hello lovely child

No ‘Parent of the Year’ nomination for you.
by Michele Ranard
210 words

1. You assumed your third grader no longer believed in the Easter Bunny.

2. With amnesia for your preschooler in the backseat, you dropped the eff bomb in a fit of road rage. Instead of a follow up ‘oops,’ you mumbled s*** to complete the damning expletive marathon.

3. To express how much she is cherished, you left a love note on your daughter’s pillow. You spelled her name wrong.

4. Irrevocably dooming your son’s new relationship, you gave the girlfriend the dreaded parental stamp of approval (“You are so darn sweet…you can come over any time you like!”)

5. The leather pants and YOU HAD ME AT BACON t-shirt you wore to parent-teacher conferences.

6. Packing her lunchbox, a can of Bud Light (which resembles Pepsi) was inadvertently inserted.

7. During a kicking and screaming tantrum inside Walgreen’s you threatened your toddler you’d split. You kept your word.

8. You couldn’t make it to your daughter’s championship soccer match. It conflicted with “The Real Housewives of New York City.”

9. Before a plane ride to Nana’s, you liberally spiked the 3-year old’s sippy cup with Drowsy Formula Dimetapp.

10. You took your child with you to work for TAKE YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY. You’re a drug dealer.

Michele Ranard has never been nominated for a parenting award. She is the mother of two crazybeautiful teens and a freelance writer with blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Ideas to connect beyond possessions, sports, and texting.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
790 words

Your tween or teen may be busier than ever with school, sports, and socializing. So as parents we have to be on our game and intentional about connecting with them. (And by connecting, I don’t mean leaving a comment on that photo they posted on FaceBook.)

I remember reading a quote from Robert Downey Jr. years ago when his child turned 13. His statement went something like “My job is now to service my teen.” I thought maybe he was kidding, and if he WAS serious, it was a beyond pathetic attitude.

Then I had tweens and teens.

It IS easy to feel that as our kids navigate adolescence, we are here to simply service them (as a chauffeur, cheerleader, and bank account). But parenting is about nurturing them in simple ways.

These suggestions offer reminders of easy efforts to strengthen bonds at home.

1. Make sure their friends feel welcome. This is one of the best ways to see more of your kids. Sometimes the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

2. See a movie together. Take turns choosing the film which will give you an opportunity to share your favorite movies or actors they may otherwise never see.

3. Let them help you cook. Trying a new recipe is a great way to bond, even if your culinary attempts are a disaster. My own kids love to help bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, they linger much longer than if we were just making waffles. It is hard to be cranky when the whole house smells like heavenly fresh bread, and baking skills are a wonderful investment for the future.

4. Reminisce about old times. Tweens and teens love to hear about funny things they said and did when they were little. The stories never get old and often trigger more stories and memories you may have forgotten. Laugh it up!

5. Get hooked on one TV show. Everyone in our house is home on Wednesday nights to watch our family favorite on TV. As a bonus, the show always hits on some spiritual themes we discuss openly. We even took a family vacation to the location where our show is filmed.

6. Eat together. This can be nearly impossible as everyone heads in different directions for lessons and sports, but it is important to carve out time. It doesn’t have to be dinner. If everyone is available for a long leisurely Saturday morning breakfast, go for it. Let them take turns choosing the restaurant, and do insist they unplug.

7. Show them your work. Sometimes we forget that it’s okay and even beneficial for our children to see our other roles. It makes my children feel more grown up when my husband and I bring them into conversations about our careers. I’m not suggesting you bore them to tears with technical language that alienates but share a little to expose them to the world of work and you.

8. Watch their favorite youTubes. My kids have introduced me to some of the most hilarious videos only kids their age could discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

9. Ask about their high and low. Since adolescents are notorious for grunting and mono-syllabic responses, regularly ask them to report on their high (the best thing that happened during the day) and their low (the worst). It is as healthy for them to reflect on these experiences as it is for you to be aware of them.

10. Create special memories between holidays. Do not wait for a holiday or birthday to create special moments. Light candles and play fun music on a Tuesday night when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something special on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant would. Surprise them on a weeknight by announcing you’re all going bowling. Treat them to a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

11. Write a love note. It can be difficult to find the right moment to express what is on your heart, but teens need to know how much you cherish them. Take the time to write how thankful you are for them and leave it on their pillow. They may never mention it, but it will matter.

12. Be brave and take a road trip. Sometimes the best way to re-connect is by putting some miles between your family and where the daily grind happens. Even if it is a day trip, find ways to make the commute more pleasant and set ground rules i.e. no arguing or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Intentional ways parents can connect.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
650 words

It’s ironic. In an age where connecting with each other is simpler than ever (think Facebook, tweets, Blackberries and skype), hectic work schedules, school, and activities mean it’s easier than ever to become disconnected with each other.

In a great book written by clinician and research professor Michael Ungar called The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids, he discusses the great need for our children to feel noticed and loved in order to embrace “we” instead of simply “me.”

Ungar says it is unfortunate that sometimes parents attempt to connect with their children via expensive toys, or becoming too permissive, or even overprotecting them. But the key to connection is to offer opportunities compassion because as Ungar says, “Give a child a chance to connect, and she will.”

The following tips to help strengthen your family connection come from ideas weaved throughout Ungar’s book, professional experience, and what has worked for my family.

1. Give them a stage to show off. Habitually ask your child what they think they do well and then have them demonstrate. For my son, it always thrilled him to show us his ability to walk on his hands. Writing a word in cursive? Pouring juice into a glass? They love showing you what they’ve learned and how strong they’ve grown. Your glowing response will make them feel ten feet tall and cherished!

2. Leave work behind. This is challenging for all of us, but take as much family vacation as work allows. The opportunities which will spring from time away from the grind relaxing with your children are GOLD and add up to memories for a lifetime. No one at the end of their life wishes they had just taken less vacation.

3. Eat three together. Set a new rule about family meals together: everybody at the dinner table at least three times a week. It’s not always realistic to squeeze in three weeknight dinners, so think about Saturday breakfasts, Sunday brunches, or Wednesday late night cookies and milk. At our house, we have Italian Friday Nights where we are often joined by a few of their friends. Have you seen the recent research results about all the emotionally healthy benefits of eating together? Prioritize it. It’s a simple gesture that packs a profound punch.

4. Time out. Give them your time. So often we underestimate how much our kids want to spend moments with us together. If you have teen children, you know exactly what I’m taking about. It’s important to carve out family time as often as possible even if you get the message their friends have passed you up on the influence scale.

5. Hear their highs and lows. Implement this best/worst exercise into every meal-time conversation. It’s easy. Ask your child to identify their best and worst daily moments. Don’t use this time to lecture if their ‘worst’ happens to be failing an exam. Instead, open your heart and connect with the feelings they are expressing. Share their joy! Cry with them over disappointments. If you haven’t tried this, you may be surprised at how much you’ll learn about your kids’ inner lives.

6. Form a team. Rally your children to help with a project. Whether it is helping an elderly neighbor with gardening, painting the family room, volunteering at church, or organizing the garage, join forces and see that the fruits of your labor extend way beyond an afternoon of hard work.

7. Write love notes. Words are powerful and are sometimes easier expressed on paper. Fill the page with what you appreciate, your wishes and hopes, and how your children are so full of potential. Leave the note on their pillow, and know it will touch them deeply whether they mention the note or not.

Connecting with your children is important not just for strengthening your family bond but for helping them develop empathy and a healthier outlook.

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping families live healthier lives. She is a mom to teenagers, and a freelancer with blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Ungar, Michael. The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. De Capo, 2009.

6 Tips for a dreamier, tidier nest.
by Michele Ranard

740 words

Who says spring is the best time for clearing the clutter and welcoming order? Getting ready for school is as brilliant a time as any to create more order and feel more peace.

Sometimes I dread the process of simplifying. Then I commit and dive in and am astonished at how little time it actually takes or how incredibly huge the payoff is.

Organizing your family and home ultimately saves you tons of time and energy, decreases your stress, and teaches your kids to live in a smart organized way.

Here are a few ideas and expert advice to get your ducks in a row.

1. Simplify your space. Revamp and de-clutter the house so it can be tidied up quickly. That means clearing clutter from tables and surfaces (even the floors—do you really need all those throw rugs?), storing away clothing items and outerwear no longer in season, and re-thinking over-furnished rooms. It is easier to vacuum or sweep wide open spaces free of clutter, and you may be surprised at how much better you feel when visual clutter is eliminated.

You don’t have to save the world in a day. Simplifying in small chunks is just fine. Samantha Buck, a professional organizer on lifeorganizeit.com, suggests setting a timer for yourself. She says “I like to set a timer for 30 minutes and work fast as I can to complete decluttering projects. You'll be amazed at how much you can get done by using the clock to challenge yourself.”

2. Create a file system. The school papers, permission slips, homework, etc. can pile up quickly so a little preliminary planning will work miracles. Clearly designate a home for school-related stuff, and make sure each student has a binder or folder for report cards, phone numbers, sports info, handbooks, etc. It’s also a good idea to have a stash of school supplies in a designated area.

3. Trash last year’s school stuff. Think about scanning or taking digital photos of your children’s art work since those precious treasures can pile up and steal precious space. Hans Hofmann is credited with saying “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.” Let this year’s stuff speak.

4. Store toys where you want them to be played with. This is huge and relates to #1. It’s far simpler to tidy up the house swiftly when it is not strewn with a zillion playthings so insist they corral toys to zones you approve.

Often the problem is too many toys, and author and editor of Organized Home Cynthia Ewer sees a toy library as the answer. She says, “Using a large lidded plastic storage container, large box or even plastic garbage bag, entrust a selection of toys to the ‘toy library.’ Store the container in an out-of-the way place for several months.”

5. Address those closets! This is a perfect time to purge closets since the kids will have a few new things to wear and be ready to part with some of the old. Don’t forget the beauty of HOOKS! Kids love ‘em, and they do the job.

Remind your kids that hangers don’t bite and that their clothes will stay wrinkle-free if they actually use them. Organizing expert Ewer reminds that toys and belongings used most should be stored on lower shelves or on the floor. Have a basket or shopping bag accessible in the closet for clothing and shoes to donate when they no longer fit.

6. Think again before buying MORE cool storage items. Some of us think that to organize means buying lots of containers. Sure there are a ton of awesome storage options claiming to make our lives easier, but it’s important to question “Why am I keeping this anyway?” or “How often do I really use this?” or “Do I love love love this?” Most of the time, we don’t even know why we’re holding on to stuff and just need to purge.

Organizing guru and author of When Organizing Isn’t Enough (2008), Julie Morgenstern, says “The process of throwing things out forces you to recognize what your attachment is.” Answering these questions will help you limit what you bring home so it won’t be necessary to invest in more storage items (or a bigger house!).

Good luck as you welcome autumn and with your family say hello to a tidier nest that works for all of you.

Michele Ranard adores a tidy nest. She is a freelancer with blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Buck, Samantha. Lifeorganizeit.com
Ewer, Cynthia. Organizedhome.com
Morgenstern, Julie. When Organizing Isn’t Enough. Fireside, 2008.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
700 wds

So much about family road trips has changed! I remember the big deal it was when FM joined AM on the radio, but now—OMG —kids have more entertainment and ways to interact and connect than ever to stave off boredom and enjoy the ride.

Still. All that electronic media can leave family members disconnected from each other. We have to be more intentional than ever in our decisions about the uses of technology. We have to be consciously sensitive to and protective of the images and information we welcome into our lives.

But Plugging Them In Keeps Things Quiet…Why Unplug?

All parents want a little more peace in the car. But there are plenty of healthy creative unplugged activities for kids to enjoy which will keep them occupied during the long drives. In fact, the old fashioned tried and true may appeal to them because it’s so—well—radically different and old school!

Here are ten suggestions to create lasting memories before you even arrive at your destination and to re-connect with the ones you cherish most. They are not complicated or costly. Best of all, there are no batteries or instruction manuals.

1. Pipe Cleaner Paradise. A pack of inexpensive pipe cleaners and a nail clipper will keep fidgety kids happy for long stretches of travel time. They can bend the fuzzy sticks or wrap them around pencils to form cheerful colorful creatures. The best part? When they’re satisfied with their creation, they can play imaginative games with them for more stimulating fun.

2. Cootie Catcher. Remember these things? You pick a color, then a number, then you get to read your fortune. You only have to show your kids how to do this once before they’ll be able to come up with variations and stay busy for hours!

3. Figures & Games With String. Only supply required: string. They can make “Jacob’s Ladder,” “Kitty Whiskers,” “Cup and Saucer,” or play “Cat’s Cradle.” AND IT”S QUIET!!!

4. Go Nuts With Foil. Remember when shiny, reflective aluminum foil was magical to you? Give your artsy imaginative kids a cheap roll and watch them go to town! They can transform themselves into superheroes, making masks and “power bracelets.” Girls especially might enjoy constructing tiaras, jewelry, and headbands. And it’s fun to sculpt foil into cool animals—with no cleanup.

5. Old School Card Games. Card games are great for traveling because a deck is easy to transport, and there are tons of games to play. Crazy Eights and Old Maid are two possible kid pleasers.

6. Virtual Hide and Seek. This guessing game is a hoot. Pick a place inside your house to hide—and here’s the fun part—it can be any size at all! A sock drawer, the dishwasher, the medicine cabinet…everybody asks questions until they narrow it down and find you.

7. Make a Wacky Roadside Stop. Go to the website www.roadsideamerica.com to find quirky, eccentric, touristy, places to visit. The kids will remember these nutty detours with you forever.

8. Get Grooving. Families have been singing and car dancing for generations for a very good reason. It’s beyond fun, it’s liberating, and it releases stress. Tone deaf family members usually enjoy this activity as much as American Idol finalists! Car dancing involves exercising the upper body and loosening muscles that may otherwise stiffen on long car rides.

9. Take Turns Doing Stand-Up. Everybody takes a turn telling a joke until you are no longer able to recall another punchline. In my own family, there are certain jokes that my children love to hear repeated—they are tickled every single time by the wordplay and imagery, and the jokes have become virtual family heirlooms.

10. License Plate Games. One easy game is to try to spot a license plate from all 50 states. Before you leave, visit www.momsminivan.com and print their checklist for recording the sightings.

Whether you incorporate one or all of these activities, give yourself a pat on the back for your efforts. In today’s fast-paced, streaming news, over-stimulated culture, it’s the simple small things that often get overlooked. But they’re not small things. They’re the stuff of memories and togetherness.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.com.

Tips to foster communication with school and ease your anxiety
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
780 words

When my son’s first-grade teacher said she suspected a serious learning disability, I freaked. Despite my background in counseling, I let anxiety temporarily distract and paralyze me. I needed this article.

It was a bumpy road for my struggling son, but I’m happy to report that with time, tutoring, advocating, and a wait-and-see approach, he is thriving. These tips may ease your worry if your child faces a similar challenge.

Listen With an Open Mind

In their handbook The Way of Boys (Harper Collins, 2009), Anthony Rao and Michelle Seaton say parents sometimes disagree about the need for testing. They suggest parents remain open even if they’re convinced what their child is experiencing is simply a developmental glitch. The teacher brings a wealth of valuable information to the table which “may or may not be accurate long term, but describes what’s been happening recently.”

If it turns out your child is simply navigating a developmental rough spot, the feedback from his teacher seeing him every day may still lead to an educational plan to serve him better.

Learn About Learning Disabilities & Your Rights

Gathering information about learning disabilities and attention disorders and becoming familiarized with the vocabulary will help you better advocate for your child. The website LDonline.org provides up to date information and advice about LDs and ADHD.

You should not assume your child’s school will provide everything you need to know about your rights. Every state has a Parent Training and Information Center financed by the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). To contact your state's center, visit the Technical Assistance Alliance for Parent Center (taalliance.org/ptdirectory/pclist.asp) or visit Wrightslaw.com, a website for special-education law and advocacy.

Keep Emotions In Check

Depending on your interpersonal style, you may react to the news your child has a problem with panic like me, feel upset or angry, or even shut down. It is stressful to hear there may be something wrong, but in order to effectively help your child, your response is critical.

To make clear-headed decisions, keep these ideas (culled from the chapter on testing in Rao and Seaton’s new book) in mind:

1. Keep paper at hand for phone conversations with the school. “If you’re panicking, you won’t process the information, or remember the details, and you might accidentally inflame the situation with a defensive or hostile reaction.” Writing the teacher’s thoughts down will give you something other than fear to focus on.

2. Prepare questions before a parent-teacher conference. Make sure to ask about your child’s strengths and remain focused on solutions. Ask “What should we do at home, and what might you plan to do at school, so we can help him?”

3. Take notes like a journalist. Get details about the teacher’s observations, specific behaviors and incidents, the time of day, and classroom happenings when the behaviors occurred. Gathering information to become educated in this way is better than “remembering instead only a few phrases and your emotional state.”

4. Keep your child’s teacher in the loop. Send a note with your child so teachers stay updated about treatment, milestones at home, tutoring, etc. Share the positive stuff too!

5. Take your time. If you show up for a parent-teacher conference and instead find a meeting of administrative staff sprung on you, feel free to reschedule. Parents have a right to be prepared for such meetings which can overwhelm with technicalities and emotion. You may be asked to sign forms, and these should be reviewed carefully at home first.

6. Prepare some statements before a meeting. For example, Rao suggests parents practice one like this: “Let’s pause here. This is all a bit overwhelming, and I’ll need to take this home and get back to you when I’ve had time to digest this. I know we all have Sam in mind here, and I appreciate that.”

Keep Your Eyes on Your Child

Founder and executive director of the Center for Learning Differences, Susan Yellin advises: “Don't think of a diagnosis of a learning disability as the end of the world. Think of it as the first step in getting your child the help he needs to survive and thrive in school.”

Rather than becoming defensive it’s important to remain upbeat and ask lots of helpful questions. School psychologist and learning disabilities expert, Ann Logsden says if you suspect your child has a learning disability, check here: http://learningdisabilities.about.com/od/disabilitylaws/qt/formalnotice.htm to learn more about your rights as a parent under the IDEA.

As authors Rao and Seaton suggest, be a cheerful skeptic and stay focused on the long-term well-being of your child “rather than on short-term interventions being thrown at you.” Additionally, remember there are always educational options beyond those proposed by the school.

Michele Ranard is a freelance writer with a background in professional counseling and academic tutoring. She has a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

LD online.org. ldonline.org.

Logsden, Ann. “Learning Disabilities – What Are Learning Disabilities?” http://learningdisabilities.about.com/od/whatisld/a/whatissld.htm.

Rao, Anthony, and Seaton, Michelle. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World. Harper Collins, 2009.

Technical Assistance for Parent Centers. taalliance.org/ptdirectory/pclist.asp

Wrightslaw.com (special education law and advocacy)

Yellin, Susan. “What to Do If You Suspect Your Child Has a Learning Disability.” Education.com

8 Strategies to help him focus & help you stay sane.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
770 words

As the mom of two sons, I know endless jumping, drumming, and spinning leaving even the most serene parent gasping for oxygen. HOLY HYPERACTIVITY, I know it well.

I know head-first sofa death dives and coffee table break-dancing. I know tender patches just beneath a boy’s chin which burst open and require butterfly bandaging. I know the desperate sound of my own voice ranting “YOU ARE NOT A SQUIRREL!” at the top of my lungs.

Boys have tons of energy. It’s our job as parents to supply enough opportunities to flush the energy from their systems. Without opportunities, boys can’t stay truly focused, sit still at school, or sleep well. For boys with ADHD, the opportunities are even more critical.

In their book Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most Out of Life With Attention Deficit Disorder (2005) Edward Hallowell and John Ratey say physical activity is crucial. “Exercise stimulates the production of epinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin, which is exactly what the medications we treat ADD with do.”

Attention disorder or simply boys being boys, parents need advice for balancing our kids’ need to leap and head-bang with our own need for…um...sanity. Here are fresh ideas to (A) help them burn energy and (B) help them learn the skill of being still.

8 Strategies to Keep Boys Active

Anthony Rao, Ph.D. coauthor of The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World (2009) advises “as long as what your son is doing is not dangerous, or dangerously annoying to you, let him do it.” The following simple suggestions culled from his book have worked for families seen in his practice.

For younger boys:

1. Take younger boys outside everyday. Let them stomp in puddles, play at the park, run around the yard, and ride bikes.

2. Time your son while he runs. My own sons loved being timed, especially when I threw in theatrics and a beaming smile on my face to help them feel like olympians.

3. Develop a twisted sense of humor about their energy. Rao says, “Many young boys bounce on the couch, crab walk across the floor, spin around in one place, hop in place, and do other odd things seemingly for no reason.” See humor rather than oddity.

4. Encourage karaoke and shaking of the booty. Singing is a great physical activity for emotional release, especially when they bust a move.

5. Think exercise ball and mini trampoline. “Often, when a child is acting up or frustrated, it can be good to redirect him to an activity such as this, rather than argue or spend countless hours coaxing him to be better behaved.”

For older boys:

6. Consider martial arts. As an alternative to often over-stimulating team sports, martial arts provides healthy physical movement. In addition to conditioning, boys learn to use their voices assertively, develop better listening skills, and feel more competent.

7. Don’t forget swim lessons and soccer. Soccer burns a lot of energy, and swimming is one of those sports where kids get to move the whole time rather than wait in line or stand out in a field. Rao says parents should think beyond traditional sports to get them really moving.

8. Try gymnastics or dance. Both of these activities build confidence and coordination. While there may be stigma attached for boys, they remain excellent disciplines for boys who may not thrive in football or baseball.

Learning the Skill of Being Still

The Way of Boys contains these tried and true ideas to teach impulse control:

1. Sit still drill. Designate a particular time each day to practice. Decide on a small reward to offer (i.e. a cookie or a penny), set an egg timer, and allow him to hold and focus on the timer as he sits “It really helps boys to feel that the time they have to conquer is real, something they can hold” indicates Rao. For younger boys, start off with one minute, and if he can stay calmly in his seat, reward and praise him. Do this everyday, increasing the time by thirty seconds.

2. 20 minutes of daily outdoor play is good medicine. Rao says for kids with ADHD, as little as twenty minutes OUTSIDE yields hours of improved focus which may be as good as medicine. Research shows that emotional control and decreased aggression are associated with outdoor play.

As a mother of two formerly stillness-impaired sons, my advice is: model calm yourself and trust that your son will not still be coffee table break-dancing when he is in college (wait…that’s not…maybe just listen to the experts!).

Michele Ranard is a freelancer with a background in professional counseling and academic tutoring. She blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Hallowell, Edward and Ratey, John. Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most Out of Life With Attention Deficit Disorder. Ballantine, 2005.

Rao, Anthony and Seaton, Michelle. The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World. Harper Collins, 2009.

Simple things you'll treasure forever.
620 words
by Michele Ranard

Life is precious and full of wonder, but it moves fast. With so much distraction day to day, sometimes we need a reminder to slow down. Here are some heartfelt ideas for savoring the beauty of your momhood, their childhood, and the special bond you share.

1. On a dreary morning, don’t get dressed. Spread a quilt over your bed, and invite your crew to pile on for a long leisurely breakfast. Don’t answer the phone. Read something magical or your favorite story from childhood. If they are able, let them read that story to you.

2.  Enjoy a long lovely soak in the tub with your infant. Memorize those irresistible creases and the luxurious softness of your baby’s skin. So much of parenthood is unglamorous, and this is an intimate memory to lock up in your heart and return to when that precious soul begins sassing you as a tween.

3. Request an impromptu fashion show. So many creative variations: towels only, toilet paper, pantyhose…My own children favored a “London-France” show for the catwalk. They layered on every pair of underwear in the household until they could barely waddle. Then they tied on a blanket cape and donned one last pair of undies as a hat. It never failed to make this mom’s cheeks ache.

4. Write a love note to your child. Make sure to date it and place the note on their pillow. Even if they have reached an age where it borders on “uncool,” they will drift off to sleep knowing they are cherished. Later, steal back the note to safely store in a box.

5. Sacrifice your tastefully decorated living room and build the ultimate fort utilizing every blanket in the house. When complete, head inside to play “Don’t Break the Ice” and “Candy Land” a dozen times or more. They never tire of the classic games, and you are their favorite player. Remember the day will arrive when your kids will be too busy for you.

6. If you have teens or tweens, order pizza and watch their favorite comedy or youTubes, even if it’s not your cup of tea. Don’t forget there was a time you thought Pretty in Pink should win the Oscar. They will appreciate the gesture because they know it’s a little painful, and you may even be rewarded with joyful expressions and laughter.

7. In your planner, pencil in a “celebrity photo shoot” every two months. Have your spouse or friend take a picture of just you and your child and then change places. Go outside if possible to capture the season. You will have a wonderful treasury of smiles as you both grow up, and no mom on the planet has ever felt she took too many photos.

8. Whip up an indulgent snack together. Allow them to help make a decadently rich cookie dough from scratch, but forget the eggs and the baking. Eat the dough as dip for apple wedges and pretzels or mix into ice cream. While everyone gets sticky and gooey devouring it, document the smiles on film.

9. Let your child have a blast styling your hair. Supply them with colorful clips, rollers, bobby pins, and scrunchies. When your makeover is complete, go to the mirror and rave you look fabulous. Pretend you love it and say you plan to wear it this way forever. Now let them apply the makeup.

10. On an evening you are not beyond exhausted, sneak into your child’s room and watch them as they dream. Take in the beauty of those delicate eyelashes and precious tiny fingers. Whisper a prayer of gratitude and ask for protection from all harm. Blow a quiet kiss to the one who holds your heart.

Michele Ranard has been savoring momhood for more than 19 wonderful years. She has a husband, two sons, and a master's in counseling. She blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Deconstructing Gratitude for Our Children.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
850 words

Are you happier now that you are a parent?

A couple years ago, Florida State University sociology professor Robin Simon created a stir with her suggestion that “bundle of joy” is perhaps inaccurate for most parents.

“Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,” indicated Simon, whose parenting study concluded folks with the significantly greatest emotional well-being were those who had never had children.

Wait a second! Can all those baby shampoo commercials with shiny happy moms bathing smiling Stepford children be wrong?

Sure kids trigger negative emotions. But Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert and author of Stumbling on Happiness (2007) suggests although kids may not increase our average daily enjoyment, “they bring transcendent moments that outweigh all the hard work.”

Beyond Warm and Fuzzy

The day-in, day-out job of parenting is far from romantic. But if you’ve ever watched a toddler chase a butterfly or been asked, “Will I need my clothes in heaven?” then you also know happiness can wash over you in little moments here and there. In fact, such moments are not really so little.

Blissful, fleeting moments make life rich. Psychologists Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener coined “psychological wealth” in Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth (2008) and define it as “the experience of well-being and a high quality of life.”

How do we become more psychologically wealthy? See what’s good in the world (those magical times with our kids) but be grounded in reality (kids are expensive and stressful!). The wealthy are engaged in activities they believe are meaningful. They apply their strengths to these activities.

As Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (2010), reminds: “What we say and do with our children is far more important in determining their success and happiness than any God-given talent or innate disposition.”

Contentment is Cool

Contentment may not have a sexy ring to it, but Don Lucas, Ph.D. in his book Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure and Contentment (2009), says it is worth aspiring to. “Contentment is associated with everlasting positive emotions. Contentment is not associated with being idle, lazy or giving up.”

Think about it. Much of parenting involves positive, enduring emotions. It entails hard work and perseverance. For parents, contentment motivates our behavior and empowers us to get more accomplished.

Lucas asserts, “True happiness is a social thing. If the people who are close to you are not happy or not happy with you — you’ll have a tough time being happy.”

Finding Your Happy Place

How do we increase happiness? By becoming more focused on the positive, more intentional in our attempts to savor parenthood and more grateful for the gift that is our kids. These tips may also help.

Sleep more. “Put on your own oxygen mask first and then help those around you” is how sociologist Christine Carter terms it. Taking care of your family takes a lot out of you. You’ve heard “nap when baby naps” a thousand times, but it’s important. It’s tempting to stay up when the house is peaceful, but try to go to sleep at the decent hour your school kids go to bed. If possible, work out a shift schedule to get up with your infant. Try to sleep an extra hour each night and watch the magical effect a less tired, new and improved you has on your family.

Recognize parenting is stressful. It’s easy to feel guilt for all those moments you don’t “feel” happy, but it’s completely normal. In their book The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (2008), Russ Harris and Steven Hayes reassure that feeling unhappy does not mean you are defective. “The normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective; your mind’s just doing what it evolved to do.” Happiness doesn’t mean eliminating negative feelings; it is being prepared to cope with those feelings.

Communicate better with your partner. Parenting is stressful on a relationship. Diener and Biswas-Diener remind us that the quality of our lives will suffer if we neglect to develop all the aspects of our true psychological wealth — one of which is loving relationships. Encourage each other. Talk about the highs and low of raising kids. Laugh at the daily craziness which is family life!

Think gratitude. It’s more than saying grace at mealtime. Counting your blessings every day helps you remember happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. Carter writes “We can teach our children happiness habits, such as consciously practicing gratitude….Most important we can model happiness in ourselves.”

Consider writing a love note expressing your gratitude for your kids when you have a free moment. Leave the note on a pillow, and if your child is young, read it aloud. See the big picture. Gilbert says, “It’s easy to get caught up in the details, but you need to step back and realize how empty your life would be without these people in it.”

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources

Carter, Christine. Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Ballantine, 2010.

Diener, Ed and Robert Biswas-Diener. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell, 2008.

Gilbert, Daniel. Stumbling on Happiness. Vintage, 2007.

Harris, Russ and Steven Hayes. The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter, 2008.

Lucas, Don. Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure, and Contentment. Hayden-McNeil, 2009.

Simon, Robin W., “The Joys of Parenthood, Reconsidered,” in Contexts (2008). Reprrnted in a 2008 issue of  UTNE Reader and Psychology Today.

image, via mighty2save

Decoding their slang and culture.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
680 words

I live with teenagers. The other morning at breakfast, my 15-year old son mentioned sorrowfully that he may have “tossed a fork.” Because I have grown so very accustomed to feeling clueless for what my kids and their friends are talking about (“Dude, that song is way sicker with that stupid hotness yo!”), I assumed “tossed a fork” was new lingo for “blew chunks.”

In reality, my son had literally thrown a piece of our cutlery in the trash. On accident. Clearly I over-analyze, but it feels like every day new slang from their ever-evolving vocabularies is introduced. The internet sees to it. Maybe you feel my pain.

Here are a few terms with definitions gleaned from my teen sons, my experience as the parent of millenials, and the world wide web:

Awesomation: The point at which something becomes awesome. “Brah, as soon as the show started, it was total awesomation.” Enough said.

Ballin: This term has been thrown around our house for years so I am a sort of ‘ballin’ connoisseur. It means to be living the high life, to be well respected, to be wealthy OR to be a basketball player. “That dude is ballin.”

Emo: You may think you understand emo; however, according to urbandictionary.com, emo is sometimes capitalized, sometimes not, and it can mean softcore punk music for melodramatic 17 year olds who don’t smile OR an overly emotional individual. My favorite emo definition from the site? “An excuse for guys to wear tight pants.”

If you still feel unclear about emo, ask your kids to define it (after which you’ll feel more lost than ever).

Facebook Ammo: A humiliating or incriminating photo saved on a friend’s camera to be potentially posted on Facebook that could be used for blackmail purposes.

Generation TMI (Too Much Information): While not slang, it is a concept parents of teens likely understand but may need a term for. Urbandictionary.com defines it roughly as kids who are overloaded with too much information because of the rapid growth of technology and the incessant need people have to share information online.

Generation TMI kids would all understand: "Wanna come over to myspace tonight to google my yahoo and twitter all over your facebook?"

Text Anxiety: The worry after texting someone when they don’t text right back. Are they alive? Mad? What could possibly be taking so long?

Text Away Your Dignity: Familiar with drunk dialing? This is the equivalent with texting.

Throw Down: (NOTE: Pay close attention to this one—throw down or throwdown means a million different things to different teens depending on the context!)

meaning #1: To contribute money to pay for something. Colton: “Dude, I’m gonna make a McDonald’s run, want some?” Jake: “Sure, dude, I’ll throw down.”

#2: To mosh or slam dance. “He totally threw down in the pit.”

#3: To street fight, like “throwing down the gauntlet.” (TRUE STORY: Definition #3 was the only definition I knew until I playfully threatened to throw down with my disrespectful 18-year-old, and his buddy remarked, “I’d love to see that at a show.”)

#4: To throw a large party. (WARNING: it may not be ‘dancing’ they’re planning to do this weekend if you hear your kid mention throwdown on the phone.)

#5: To fight and win. “Who knew that dude would have that kinda throwdown in him?”

#6: To drink excessively; see warning in #4.

#7: To perform brilliantly; my kids use it this way all the time as in, “He was epic! He threw DOWN!”

Tiger’s Wife Mad: So angry that you find the item which the object of your anger cherishes the most and proceed to beat him/her with it. “Did you see that dude ask for the manager at Taco Bell? He was Tiger’s wife mad with the burrito!”

BTW, do NOT under any circumstances try out these expressions with your teens! Trust. They could easily become TW mad and reach for…whatever. Use this knowledge solely to decode, sympathize, and delude yourself into feeling cool. (If you parent a teen, you already know a delusion is the closest you’ll come.)

Because Michele Ranard is paranoid, she still worries ‘tossed a fork’ is secret code. She is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Sources: The Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com) and her sons