10 Ways Parents Can Help
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
850 words
"I JUST KNOW I'M NOT GONNA DO WELL!" You have probably heard this a few times around the house from a fretful child. But if your child seems to worry excessively, there are proactive ways to help which may not have occurred to you.
Although less serious than anxiety disorders, excessive worry is one of the most frequent problems children face. Author of The Worried Child (2004), Paul Foxman indicates children with “beyond normal but less than severe anxiety” may be shy, withdrawn, and inhibited. Sometimes anxiety is mistaken for depression, hyperactivity, or physical illness.
Common Worries
For infants and todders, common fears include loud noises, large looming objects, strangers, separation, and changes in the house. Preschoolers often fear the dark, noises at night, masks, monsters, and animals such as dogs. Typical worries for school-age children include snakes, spiders, storms, being home alone, angry teachers, failure, rejection, scary TV shows, injury, illness, doctors, shots, and death (WebMd, 2007).
Worry is often an irrational focus on unlikely events. “There is usually a discrepancy between reality and what children worry about. For example, car and bicycle injuries are more likely to occur than any other events in childhood, yet children seldom worry about having those types of injuries" Foxman explains.
Addressing Their Worry
1. Don't try to talk them out of it. No matter what your child age, author of Freeing Your Child From Anxiety (2004) Tamar Chansky suggests discussing their fears with respect. You probably already realize this if you've ever tried to reason with a young child that there is absolutely not a ghost in their closet. She advises parents to speak calmly and confidently. While complete avoidance of the fears is not the answer, neither should they be forced to do more than what feels comfortable.
2. Explain what worry is plainly. Foxman says explain anxiety by asking them to imagine they are a small animal (such as a rabbit) living in nature among predators. “When a vulnerable animal is threatened, it senses danger and hides until it is safe again. When it is safe, the rabbit relaxes and resumes normal activities.”
3. Separate anxiety from the child. Psychologist Dawn Huebner suggests teaching children to externalize worry in order to set the stage for taking control in What to Do When You Worry Too Much (2005). “Think of anxiety with a capital A, as if it were a separate entity with its own name rather than an integral part of your child.” (Bonus: the principles in her book are relevant to anxious parents as well.)
4. Introduce age-appropriate books. For emerging readers, consider sharing stories about overcoming fear. When My Worries Get to Big (2006) is a relaxation guide to recognize feelings of anxiety and teach practical strategies to control those feelings. Is A Worry Worrying You? (2007) addresses typical and not so typical childhood worries in a humorous way (worried an eagle will build a nest in your hair?). Perfectionist tweens may benefit from What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough (2007) by psychologist Thomas Greenspoon about the harmful effects of obsessing over perfection.
Worry Management Strategies
Keep these excellent techniques from Foxman, Huebner, and Chansky in mind to help your worrying child learn to effectively manage anxieties.
5. Discuss perfectionism. Your child needs to learn to be selective and make wise choices based on urgency and importance so Foxman recommends he learn “to set reasonable limits and pace his energy.” Help your child understand the difference between excellence (putting your best effort forward based on available resources) and perfection.
6. Think distraction. Even if nothing in your child’s feared situation changes, Huebner suggests playing outside and bike riding can keep your child absorbed so “there is less room for The Worry to creep back in.”
7. Frame worry as a negative habit. Help your child see worry as a negative habit, not a reasonable way to think or prepare for upcoming events. Teach them to say “so what” and get away from all or nothing thinking. Explain “Life is complex and things do not always fit neatly into categories.”
4. Teach them about second reactions. As Chansky puts it, “Managing worry means challenging the credibility of those automatic thoughts and cultivating a strong second reaction—speed dialing that voice of reason, connecting to some truth circuits, and in so doing, bringing that magnified risk down to a manageable size.”
5. Encourage assertiveness. Chansky says kids can “boss back” the worry rather than being held hostage to it.
6. Ditch feelings for facts. Replace dwelling on how awful something could be with how unlikely it would be. “When estimating the risk, go with the facts, not your feelings” advises Chansky. You can ask these two questions: How much of you feels scared something bad will happen? How much of you really believes it will happen?”
Huebner reminds parents of worried kids to stay positive and project confidence: “You are moving toward the day where you will be able to say that your child used to worry too much, but not any more.”
Michele Ranard has experience teaching children strategies to cope with anxiety. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Buron, Kari Dunn. When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety. Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2006.
Chansky, Tamar E. Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias. Three Rivers Press, 2004.
Foxman, Paul. The Worried Child: Recognizing Anxiety in Children and Helping Them Heal. Hunter House, 2004.
Greenspoon, Thomas S. What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids. Free Spirit Publishing, 2007.
Huebner, Dawn. What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety. Magination, 2005.
Stuart, Annie. “Childhood Fears and Anxieties: Experts Describe How Parents Can Help When Their Child is Afraid.” WebMD. http://children.webmd.com/features/childhood-fears-anxieties. April 2007.
Wolff, Ferida. Is a Worry Worrying You? Tanglewood Press, 2007.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
850 words
"I JUST KNOW I'M NOT GONNA DO WELL!" You have probably heard this a few times around the house from a fretful child. But if your child seems to worry excessively, there are proactive ways to help which may not have occurred to you.
Although less serious than anxiety disorders, excessive worry is one of the most frequent problems children face. Author of The Worried Child (2004), Paul Foxman indicates children with “beyond normal but less than severe anxiety” may be shy, withdrawn, and inhibited. Sometimes anxiety is mistaken for depression, hyperactivity, or physical illness.
Common Worries
For infants and todders, common fears include loud noises, large looming objects, strangers, separation, and changes in the house. Preschoolers often fear the dark, noises at night, masks, monsters, and animals such as dogs. Typical worries for school-age children include snakes, spiders, storms, being home alone, angry teachers, failure, rejection, scary TV shows, injury, illness, doctors, shots, and death (WebMd, 2007).
Worry is often an irrational focus on unlikely events. “There is usually a discrepancy between reality and what children worry about. For example, car and bicycle injuries are more likely to occur than any other events in childhood, yet children seldom worry about having those types of injuries" Foxman explains.
Addressing Their Worry
1. Don't try to talk them out of it. No matter what your child age, author of Freeing Your Child From Anxiety (2004) Tamar Chansky suggests discussing their fears with respect. You probably already realize this if you've ever tried to reason with a young child that there is absolutely not a ghost in their closet. She advises parents to speak calmly and confidently. While complete avoidance of the fears is not the answer, neither should they be forced to do more than what feels comfortable.
2. Explain what worry is plainly. Foxman says explain anxiety by asking them to imagine they are a small animal (such as a rabbit) living in nature among predators. “When a vulnerable animal is threatened, it senses danger and hides until it is safe again. When it is safe, the rabbit relaxes and resumes normal activities.”
3. Separate anxiety from the child. Psychologist Dawn Huebner suggests teaching children to externalize worry in order to set the stage for taking control in What to Do When You Worry Too Much (2005). “Think of anxiety with a capital A, as if it were a separate entity with its own name rather than an integral part of your child.” (Bonus: the principles in her book are relevant to anxious parents as well.)
4. Introduce age-appropriate books. For emerging readers, consider sharing stories about overcoming fear. When My Worries Get to Big (2006) is a relaxation guide to recognize feelings of anxiety and teach practical strategies to control those feelings. Is A Worry Worrying You? (2007) addresses typical and not so typical childhood worries in a humorous way (worried an eagle will build a nest in your hair?). Perfectionist tweens may benefit from What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough (2007) by psychologist Thomas Greenspoon about the harmful effects of obsessing over perfection.
Worry Management Strategies
Keep these excellent techniques from Foxman, Huebner, and Chansky in mind to help your worrying child learn to effectively manage anxieties.
5. Discuss perfectionism. Your child needs to learn to be selective and make wise choices based on urgency and importance so Foxman recommends he learn “to set reasonable limits and pace his energy.” Help your child understand the difference between excellence (putting your best effort forward based on available resources) and perfection.
6. Think distraction. Even if nothing in your child’s feared situation changes, Huebner suggests playing outside and bike riding can keep your child absorbed so “there is less room for The Worry to creep back in.”
7. Frame worry as a negative habit. Help your child see worry as a negative habit, not a reasonable way to think or prepare for upcoming events. Teach them to say “so what” and get away from all or nothing thinking. Explain “Life is complex and things do not always fit neatly into categories.”
4. Teach them about second reactions. As Chansky puts it, “Managing worry means challenging the credibility of those automatic thoughts and cultivating a strong second reaction—speed dialing that voice of reason, connecting to some truth circuits, and in so doing, bringing that magnified risk down to a manageable size.”
5. Encourage assertiveness. Chansky says kids can “boss back” the worry rather than being held hostage to it.
6. Ditch feelings for facts. Replace dwelling on how awful something could be with how unlikely it would be. “When estimating the risk, go with the facts, not your feelings” advises Chansky. You can ask these two questions: How much of you feels scared something bad will happen? How much of you really believes it will happen?”
Huebner reminds parents of worried kids to stay positive and project confidence: “You are moving toward the day where you will be able to say that your child used to worry too much, but not any more.”
Michele Ranard has experience teaching children strategies to cope with anxiety. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Buron, Kari Dunn. When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety. Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2006.
Chansky, Tamar E. Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias. Three Rivers Press, 2004.
Foxman, Paul. The Worried Child: Recognizing Anxiety in Children and Helping Them Heal. Hunter House, 2004.
Greenspoon, Thomas S. What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids. Free Spirit Publishing, 2007.
Huebner, Dawn. What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety. Magination, 2005.
Stuart, Annie. “Childhood Fears and Anxieties: Experts Describe How Parents Can Help When Their Child is Afraid.” WebMD. http://children.webmd.com/features/childhood-fears-anxieties. April 2007.
Wolff, Ferida. Is a Worry Worrying You? Tanglewood Press, 2007.
