hello lovely child

by Michele Ranard
340 wds

1. No more diaper rash, nighttime feedings, or teething.


2. Time for conversations with adults and leisurely dinners.


3. Barney has left the building!


4. No one expects you to look young, unlined, or happy.


5. Ability to shave TWO legs, as opposed to one half, in the shower.


6. Naughty chairs and time-outs? History.


7. In-house experts for all things cyber.


8. Car seats and neon orange goldfish cracker crumbs disappear from SUV.


9. Kids have probably outgrown ear infections and maybe even asthma.


10. Sharing your favorite ‘80s DVDs like “Breakfast Club” or “Say Anything.”


11. Bidding au revoir to space eating excersaucer, swing, and highchair.


12. Freshman baseball games slightly more engaging than tee-ball.


13. Pocketing the cash shelled out to babysitters to now blow on pedicures.


14. More uninterrupted minutes to read House Beautiful or Twilight.


15. Will not have to rinse another dang sippy cup until the grandkids visit.


16. Do not require a vacation when you return home from a family vacation.


17. 30-minute lunch with a friend won’t entail 30-minute packing of diaper bag.


18. Less humiliation in restaurants, at pediatrician, and during the sermon.


19. Impossible to not be aware of what is cool, hip, and trendy.


20. Not expected to help with math homework!


21. Stitches or shots may not require straight jacket or your upper body strength.


22. Re-connecting with your inner adolescent may spell personal growth.


23. You have always wanted to take a course to learn…?


24. No more settling for JUST lipstick or JUST mascara before heading out the door.


25. Tenure as room parent (when no one else signed up) is over.


26. Built-in help for driving to the store for milk, cooking meals, and figuring out the remote.


27. When you sleep in, you’re still up before the kids.


28. Fewer temper tantrums at Target.


29. Living room reads slightly more chic after losing jewel-toned molded plastic playhouse.


30. You and your child survived the seventh grade.


31. Still a hero every time you bake chocolate chip cookies.

Michele Ranard desperately needs reminding there are things to love about parenting teens. She is the mom of two sons, a professional counselor, a math tutor, and a freelance writer. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

An Untidy Space Spells Normal Development.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
440 wds

It’s more than a tad embarrassing now when I recall how I used to brag about my neatnick son's spotless room. He was the shispshape child. The one finger-pressing wrinkles out of little polo shirts and cargo pants. In fact, he lived for color -coding apparel perfectly hanging in his closet.

Indeed his bedroom passed every white glove test I never gave it. Shame on me--there I go with the bragging again.

Fast forward to his twelfth birthday. It’s as if pod people snatched Tidy and replaced him with Tweeny Slob-a-saurus. What? The messy tween train stops at your house too?

When ‘House Beautiful’ Won’t Be Calling

Turns out, some child development experts insist impossible to ignore clutter magnetism for tweens and teens is normal—as in, developmentally appropriate and right on schedule. Not only does the changing brain chemistry of adolescents make organization more challenging, but tweens and teens naturally need to assert their autonomy as well.

Which means we shouldn't be quick to dismiss the junkyard known as their room as a sign of rebellion. Rather, it may reflect an emerging healthy independence. Our tweens are separating emotionally—and in terms of their personal messy space—physically as well.

But what about what the designers on HGTV who insist our interior spaces and decor are always symbolic and mirror our inner selves? Really? Really my son’s inner self is teetering somewhere between slightly disturbed and headed for a padded room?

Not necessarily. The mounds of dirty laundry—the ground-in cheese puffs—the stench? Perhaps we can point to these insanity posers as evidence of growth, not instability. Of normal textbook maturation, not disturbance. (But sweet moldy bath towels on damp wool carpet, that mess also shouts “KEEP THE HECK OUTTA HERE!” doesn't it?).

Why Tweens May Be Oblivious to Oblivion

Child development expert and author Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer says this about the pressures facing today’s tweens in Talking to Tweens (2005):

“We know that when we feel overwhelmed we tend to fall short of our own standards, lose our cool more often, and sometimes make any pressures worse, perversely, by ignoring them. Worries can interrupt our sleep, and tiredness increases our irritability and chips at confidence. Children are the same.”

So some tweens may tend to ignore piles or an out of control bedroom because their lives—wrought with academic pressures and over-scheduling—overwhelm them sufficiently. Hartley-Brewer suggests that since their bedrooms are their personal space, parents should make an effort to consistently allow tweens to relax in their space in their own way.

I think we all know what that means, right?

Strap on that surgical mask securely before entering.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer. Talking to Tweens. De Capo, 2005.

4 Tips to Increase Optimism
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
460 wds

I don’t know about you, but some days are just easier to be an optimist than others. Lazy July afternoon when the house is clean, the kids are frolicking in the sun, and I’m sipping lemonade on the porch? Dude! I’m the optimism queen!

But a dreary winter evening everyone needs help with math homework, the kitchen’s a wreck, and the Holiday bills just rolled in…well, Your Highness has trouble seeing the light.

Psychologist Martin Seligman, a pioneer of positive psychology and author of
Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, says “pessimists tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault.”

Does this sound like you?

On the other hand, he says optimists “believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its causes are confined to this one case.” Most importantly, Seligman says pessimists can LEARN to be optimists by learning new thinking skills.

Here are some ideas to put us all in a more positive frame of mind:

*Dwell on what’s going right.
Re-focus. Instead of pondering the temporary bad events of the day, re-orient your perspective to all that’s going right. Think of that wise quote “Happiness is not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have” and decide what it means for you. Reflect on the specialness of your children and family in the scheme of things. If you are going to obsess negatively over something, give yourself a limit of just 48 hours to resolve the matter within yourself. Then let it go.

*Be Good to Yourself.
Make sure you are regularly doing good things for yourself and taking breaks from the daily grind. For me, these breaks inevitably involve chocolate. A trip to the spa, lunch with the girls, or a simple manicure may do it for you. Your physical and emotional health is important to the well-being of your kids so don’t neglect it!

*Look at the Big Picture.
It’s so important to not get bogged down in the trivial. Try this exercise: imagine everything you cherish most—your children, family, pets, photos, art—are suddenly stripped away. Feel the loss down to your bones. Let yourself sense the withdrawal of security. Allow the feeling of emptiness to penetrate your heart for a few moments. Now imagine that suddenly all of your treasures are returned to you unharmed. Bask in the glow of your riches.

*Reach Out to Optimists.
Parenting is tough, but sharing with other parents lightens the load. Make connections with positive caring people who make you laugh and see the glass as half full. Better yet, seek others who see it overflowing! Be lifted and then pay it forward, spreading the optimism love.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, tutor, and freelancer who is passionate about improving the lives and outlook of children and their parents. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Seligman, Martin. Learned Optimism.Vintage, 2006.

5 Ways to Ease Their Anxiety.
Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
560 wds

If your child will be visiting the hospital for a procedure, they may feel fretful about what to expect and any pain they may experience. These expert tips will help guide you in calming their nerves.

Why They Worry About Hospital Stays

According to Dr. Judith A. Jones of Kidshealth.org, many children are fearful of needles and whether they will feel pain. Depending on the procedure, Dr. Jones suggests it may be possible for them to get medicine to feel more relaxed. Young children may struggle with separation anxiety and will likely feel more at ease if they are held by their parents while falling asleep before surgery. Older children may experience “exposure of body parts during surgery, cutting and scarring of the body, waking up during surgery, loss of control, pain after surgery, and even death.”

5 Tips to Ease Worry

Many children will benefit from a calm conversation before their hospital stay about what to expect. Kidshealth.org suggests the following tips for such a talk with your child:

1. Let your child know where you'll be during the whole experience. Kids will feel better knowing you won’t be far and will be there when they wake up. “You may also be able to sit with your child until he or she falls asleep before the surgery. Discuss this with your anesthesiologist. And explain that (in many outpatient procedures), your child can come home soon after the surgery is done. In cases that require hospitalization, most hospitals avoid separation anxiety by permitting at least one parent to stay with the child day and night.”

2. Give your child age-appropriate and developmental stage-appropriate info. Less information is usually more appropriate for younger children. “That doesn't mean lying — it just means giving the most appropriate information for your child's age and developmental stage.” Too many details may increase your child’s anxiety so take their age and personality into account. Tweens and teens may worry they will wake up during the procedure, so they should be reassured they will not.

3. Be sensitive about how you say it. You will want to avoid using the term “nap” so they don’t become anxious about naps in the future. Also avoid “cut,” “stuck with a needle,” or “put to sleep.”

4. Reassure them it is normal to feel “funny” after surgery. “Explain that there may be some pain and discomfort after the surgery, but that the doctor can give medicine to help. It's important for kids to understand that they don't have to try to be brave or ‘put on a happy face’ after surgery.” Help your child understand they may feel groggy, scared, or sad after the anesthesia, but everything will be fine because you’ll be there with them, and it won’t last long.

5. Be calm for your child. If you stay relaxed (breathe!), your child is less likely to feel nervous about the hospital. “If you need to vent your emotions, try to take a few minutes to step out of the room where your child can't see or hear you.”

The experts at kidshealth.org remind parents that keeping their own anxiety in check will ease a child’s pre-op worries and positively influence their post-op recovery. As Dr. Jones suggests, “Remember to use nonverbal cues to communicate assurance: your tone of voice, facial expressions, gestures, and body language convey powerful messages.”

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, tutor, and freelancer. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Kidshealth.org
http://kidshealth.org/parent/system/surgery/anesthesia_prepare.html#
reviewer: Judith A. Jones, M.D.

Seriously! Reminders for kids & parents.
250 wds
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

1. Arithmetic practice stimulates and exercises the prefrontal cortex in your brain (and you don’t even get all sweaty).


2. No memorizing historical dates for the Civil War.


3. Don’t have to be a great public speaker or a standup comedian to be good at it.


4. Requires no ugly uniform or shower after class.


5. Points not subtracted for poor spelling.


6. Answering math questions rarely requires five paragraph essays or rhyming.


7. No complicated verb conjugation.


8. Makes you a better musician.


9. Everybody can learn it—math is a universal language.


10. Logic is refreshing; so much in life is grey!


11. Knowing math leads to wiser financial decisions (cha-ching!).


12. Recipes always involve math measurement.


13. Projects around the house are simplified…how much paint will I need to cover 300 square feet?


14. No need for pondering deep philosophy like what Kierkegaard meant about the need to engage in a state of despair before becoming stuck in a state of inertia…fractions anyone?


15. Calculating sale prices at the mall impresses your companions.


16. Engineers and quantum physicists rake in the dough.


17. ‘The Count’ on Sesame Street? One of the coolest dudes in the entire cast.


18. Numbers offer relief from rehearsing “Go Tell it On the Mountain” on the recorder.


19. Building with wooden blocks counts as geometry homework.


20. Understanding and using patterns in math leads to advanced problem solving and higher level thinking across all subjects.

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping kids improve at math. She is a professional counselor/tutor and freelancer. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Shipshape relief for families in the real world!
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
640 words

As a parent, your brain probably swims with an endless list of chores and responsibilities this very second. It’s madness! How will you get it all done? Deep cleansing breath. That’s better. Now consider the following shortcuts from a mom who understands frazzled.

1. Discover Ditching Dinner-time Drama.

“OMG, I hate homemade lasagne!”

“Who wants fish tacos!?!”

Stop asking the family what they want for dinner. Decide what you’ll serve and cease to make separate dishes for each member. If they hate the dish, offer cereal and yogurt as the alternative. It’s not evil. It’s called mommy is nicer when she’s not totally insane.

2. Witness the Wonder of Wardrobe Wee-cycling.

Doing laundry is fulfilling. Not. Who says the kids’ clothes must be washed after wearing something once? Do Kevin’s jeans emit a funky smell? Is Nicole’s sweater bloodstained? Was Blake’s concert tee dragged through the muddy swamp? If not, insist they wear the stuff again (and, okay, again!) to minimize dirty laundry. This is a very Tommy Lee rockstar way to live, by the way.

3. Change How You Change ‘Em.

Don’t buy just one package of wipes or diapers at a time. Stock the changing table/station with diapers, cream, and essentials, but do have supplies in other places too. This will save time by preventing a trip running upstairs or out to the van for the diaper bag.

4. ‘Off the Chain’ Outfit Options (that’s urban-speak for awwwwwesome!).

There’s nothin’ quite like ultimate fighting with your kids over the “perfect outfit” in the morning, is there? Put an end to time wasteful hissy fit a.m.’s where they cannot decide what garments FEEL right to slip into. Without guilt (it’s your mental health at stake, for cryin’ out loud) use Sunday nights to pick out a week’s worth of clothes. Buy a nifty cubby type thing to hold the outfits if it reinforces the smart habit. Then USE the thing.

5. Crush on Carpools.

Gas is expensive. Carpooling is great for the environment and your mental health. Your time is valuable. Get used to sharing the responsibility with other parents of driving (as a bonus, you’ll get to know your kids’ cool buds and teammates better!).

6. Beyond Birthday Brooding.

Keep your eyes peeled for smart non-expensive unisex birthday gifts when you’re out shopping. Snatch up the bargains. You’ll save yourself from angst-filled last minute scenarios before the bash because you’ll already have something ready to wrap.

7. Feel Free to Fake it.

It’s okay to buy the cookies for the bake sale, party, or fundraiser if you don’t have time to bake. Kids have loved Oreos for years and years for a reason, and “from scratch” has never meant “because I love you more.”

8. Pinch Precious Pennies Properly.

Don’t lose your mind driving from store to store seeking the best price on small ticket items. Use coupons when you can, but the cost of gas and your time may not make all that running around worth it in the end.

9. Cleverly Cook a Couple.

Begin thinking in twos when you cook a meal. Roast extra chicken for the next night’s casserole. Make enough Swedish meatballs so you can toss some in with tomorrow evening’s spaghetti. Double the recipe. Cut your manic mommy-stress in half.

10. Calendars, Cork, and Chaos Control.

You know that super annoyingly organized friend of yours who reminds you of Martha? The one with the genius dry-erase board near her back door with every family activity sketched out for the next three months? Just a thought…but maybe she’s on to something. Go ahead and invest in something similar or a good old-school corkboard. Encourage your kids to jump on the “look we actually have a schedule” bandwagon.

Breathe in the sweet oxygen of a life that may not be perfect, but feels way less disorganized.

Michele Ranard has two children, a master's in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Science confirms kids need more free-play.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
780 words

With school in full swing, homework, studying, and a steady diet of rigidly-structured activities are standard fare for many kids. Soccer, ballet, piano, and extracurriculars broaden the horizon and set the stage for personal growth. But if we’re honest with ourselves, a lot of us over-schedule out of anxiety about beefing up our children’s competitiveness or their resumes for college.

Science reminds us we need to chill. While academics, lessons, and organized sports ARE important, kids need goof-off time too. To stay healthy, children of all ages need plenty of unstructured play.

Hard-wired for Play

Dr. Stuart Brown, clinical researcher and author of Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul (Avery, 2009) studied the play behavior of animals and more than 6,000 people from all walks of life (serial killers to Nobel Prize winners). His research concludes that play time is critical to the emotional, social, and cognitive health of our children.

Everyone understands play is pleasurable and a good distraction from stress, but science also teaches us that play “is a profound biological process” crucial to our survival. In rats, play reduces impulsivity, which is similar to ADHD in humans. We are simply hard-wired to play. Unfortunately, recess and P.E. are disappearing from the school day at a time kids need unstructured free-play more than ever.

Brown says making play a part of our daily lives is critical to feeling fulfilled as happy, successful human beings. What constitutes play? The retired psychiatrist says play is much more than games and sports. Play involves books, music, art, jokes, movies, drama, and daydreaming.

12 Reasons to Push Play

1. Happier kids. Sometimes we trivialize play or fail to see its usefulness. But it’s more than fun. In addition to improving emotional health, it serves a biological purpose.

2. Emotional control and resilience. When social mammals such as rats and monkeys are deprived of rough-and-tumble play, they enter adulthood emotionally fragile. Play helps them distinguish friend from foe, handle stress better, and form better skills to mate properly.

3. Social competence is enhanced. Play teaches people to master and adapt to changing circumstances. Even “dealing with or avoiding being excluded” from games like tag or dodge ball are helpful social skills to learn.

4. Physical activity may lessen the symptoms of mild ADHD. Dr. Lara Honos-Webb, author of The Gift of ADHD says of the disorder “it is important to remember that nature is medicine and activity is medicine.” She suggests that parents of children with ADHD make time for them to run around outside before school and be sure that recess is never taken away as a punishment for poor behavior.

5. May prevent a smoldering depression. Play is not just a trivial escape. It provides a vehicle for learning to problem solve, and as Dr. Brown writes, “reshapes our rigid views of the world.”

6. It burns calories. Trends for childhood obesity are staggering. According to the CDC, the prevalence of childhood obesity for 6-11 year-olds has increased from 6.5% (1976-80) to 17% (2003-2006). Obese kids have increased risk for cardiovascular disease, asthma, sleep apnea, and Type 2 diabetes.

7. We don’t want kids to become humor-less adults. After analyzing thousands of “play histories,” Brown stresses that play deficiencies can lead to closed-mindedness, inflexibility, and unhappiness. Lifelong play is part of the antidote.

8. Rough and tumble play is developmentally critical. We knew it was helpful to development, but Dr. Brown’s research revealed that for young homicidal males and drunk drivers, rough-and-tumble play was missing from their childhoods.

9. Stronger academic performance. This may be especially relevant for boys. Anthony Pellegrini, an educational psychology professor at the University of Minnesota and author of Recess, discovered that successful peer interaction at recess was an excellent predictor of success on standardized tests. When boys established competence on the playground, they also did better in the classroom and paid attention better.

10. Play keeps curiosity and wonder alive. Kids today spend 50% less time outside than they did just twenty years ago. The lure of animation, xBox, and online networking is so tempting and culturally reinforced that the beauty of nature and fresh air right outside our doors is often overlooked.

11. Successful people play A LOT. Playfulness sparks creativity and innovation. Analysis of the play histories of successful adults reveals “Highly successful people have a rich play life.”

12. Play is honorable. Play is not just a mindless activity—it’s active learning. As Brown says: “From an evolutionary perspective, the smarter the animal, the more they play…it gets us in touch with our core selves and the joy of life.”

Michele Ranard has two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Brown, Stuart. Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. Avery, 2009.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (http://www.cdc.gov)
Honos-Webb, Lara. The Gift of ADHD. New Harbinger, 2005.
Pellegrini, Anthony. Recess: It’s Role in Education and Development. Laurence Erlbaum, 2005.

Without Letting Them Down
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
770 words

BING-BING-BING! Ever feel like you richochet violently like a pinball—being your child’s friend AND boss? We love our kids. Thoroughly saturated in their busy lives, sometimes we hover. We fret. We juggle it all with the best intentions for their happiness.

Our culture is more devoted to children’s happiness and emotional development than any other in history. We’re invested in their hopes and dreams—and deeply involved.

But how much involvement is healthy?

When It’s Mom & Dad with Separation Anxiety

Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd argues that despite good intentions, parents may unwittingly set the stage for children to develop into self-involved adults who lack moral character.

In his new book The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development (2009) he explains why parents struggle.

Weissbourd reminds us that for kids to separate, parents must separate first. Such separation is tricky if parents idealize their kids. Parenting can be narcissistic and self-centered. What constitutes helpful and harmful closeness to kids is often unclear.

The author explains, “While we need to continue to assert high moral expectations, we also need to recede to the edge of our children’s consciousness—even to endure temporarily feeling like nobody, being “invisible” to our child—while we enable a child’s peers and other adults to influence our children’s self-definitions and to become the focus of their lives.”

But receding to the edge of their lives is easier said than done! Ask anyone with an adolescent under the roof. It hurts. It can be ego-crushing. It can feel downright unnatural. Yet Weissbourd argues it is critical to cultivate emotional and moral maturity in those we love.

How Close is Too Close?

Weissbourd believes for healthy moral development to occur, children must idealize their parents. That means seeing them as authority figures with wisdom and experience they have not yet achieved. There are several ways parents unknowingly hinder moral development.

*Friend Wannabes. Getting caught up in the idea of being a child’s “friend” mixes up the idealization process. Fun and relaxation is fine, but kids need their parents to be different. When children view parents as equals with the same arsenal of emotional coping skills as themselves, the world may seem too frightening a place. Viewing you as separate, capable, and strong imparts confidence they will one day possess to tackle the world.

*Too Fragile. Parents may also unintentionally mess up the idealization process by displaying too much vulnerability or failure to cope. When kids feel they need to take care of us instead of the other way around, maturation may not occur. Setting emotional boundaries is not withdrawing love or concealing truth; rather it protects their developing sense of morality.

*Hovering Helicopters. We are a generation who understand this pitfall well. If we are constantly micromanaging kids, they cannot feel we trust them, that we have confidence in them. Children cannot respect parents who are consistently serving and catering to them.

Becoming Better Nurturers

How do we parent more intentionally so children progress in emotionally healthy ways and grow stronger in moral character?

*Recognize moral development continues through adulthood. Frequently parents view themselves as unchanging role models rather than flawed humans who are transforming through a dynamic relationship with their children. “Appreciating and being generous with others, acting with fairness and integrity, and formulating mature and resilient ideals are a life’s work.”

*Connect with other parents. Parents in touch with other parents can monitor and guide one another’s children. Parenting is insanely tough enough without having to go it alone!

*Prioritize moral development. When we become too invested in the happiness of our children—their achievement, their self-esteem, their comfort—we may unknowingly underestimate the value of their moral lives. What makes a person morally virtuous anyway? Weissbourd paints a portrait of someone who is moved by kindness, generosity, and integrity. They know and value others and are capable of loving on a deep level.

In his book The Parents We Mean to Be, the author maintains we are entirely capable of raising children who “Search for and follow their higher natures, and engage in vibrant, caring relationships with family and friends…who grow to be alert to signs of distress in other people, who feel responsibility for those from other classes or races or backgrounds, who feel propelled to give to the world in some way.”

As parents, following our higher nature involves letting them go. When we do it correctly—when we achieve closeness in helpful not harmful ways with our children—there is bound to be heartache. But character building yields immeasurably rich rewards.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor/tutor/freelancer with a passion for enriching the parenting journey. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Houghton Mifflin. 2009

For some kids, school is frightening.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.    
740 words                                                      





Social worker and author of Overcoming School Anxiety (AMACOM, 2008), Diane Peters Mayer writes that over 6 million school children have school anxiety—a mind-body reaction ranging from butterflies to blanking out or having a panic attack.

1. Demands at school. Standards within the school curriculum are higher than ever. Kids who aren’t great test takers may feel the pressure of so much assessment and competition. Sometimes heavy homework loads and falling behind create the anxiety.

2. Parental anxiety. Many children are sensitive to their parent’s own fear and anxiety. When a parent projects their concerns onto the child, anxiety may be exacerbated.

3. Stress at home. The burdened economy is one factor adding to the stress of families. Because of unemployment and financial hardship, many kids may be struggling along with their caregivers. Other children may be over-scheduled and lacking sufficient time for freeplay.

4. Fitting in. Kids who have trouble socially at school are at risk for school anxiety. Mayer says tweens are especially vulnerable. Bullying at school may also contribute.

5. Set up for failure at school. Not all schools have programs in place to help kids with anxiety. This makes treatment and success at school more difficult.

 

1. Listen and don’t freak out. Mayer says listen to your child talk about the anxiety. She says “Reassure your child that together you are going to solve the problem and make things better.” Since your child may be feeling out of control, it is important for you to keep your own worry and anxiety in check. To make things better for her, stay calm in spite of what she may say or do.

2. Communicate with school. Your child’s teachers and counselors will want to brainstorm with you about the problem. Sometimes it is necessary to see a child therapist or a doctor outside of school. Let your child know seeking this sort of help is honorable, not a sign of failure.

3. Relaxation techniques. Various deep breathing, meditation, and relaxation exercises may help. A school counselor or psychologist can be a helpful resource for such techniques.

 

4. Reduce stress at home. This is a tough one. It’s important to become a role model of good coping skills when it comes to stress and managing problems.

 

5. Convey hope and why managing the setback is important. “I believe in you” is a powerful phrase for your child to hear. Talk to her about how you are confident she will overcome this snag and be stronger for it. Discuss with your child how learning something new is never a waste of time and a critical part of her development.

 
Diane Peters Mayer, M.S.W., L.S.W. Overcoming School Anxiety. AMACOM, 2008.
Marie Hartwell Walker, ED.D. “School Phobia: I’m Not Stupid, I’m Scared.” www.psychcentral.com

6 Parenting Myths About Teens, Lying & Rebellion
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
715 wds

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman deconstruct the science of teen rebellion and lying in an eye-opening chapter of their groundbreaking book NurtureShock. See if any of the following myths they deconstruct apply to you then get real with the current scientific evidence.

Myth #1: I know a lot of teenagers lie, but my kid doesn’t lie to me.

According to Bronson and Merryman's book, Nancy Darling of Penn State University studied high schoolers to learn more about what they hide from their parents. One of the most shocking discoveries in her study was the sheer number of teens who lie: 96%!

Does your child struggle in school? Is she gifted? Kids who lie don’t fall into one demographic—honor students, overscheduled kids—they all reported deception. Of 36 potential topics, the average teen lies to his parents about 12 of them.

Teens lie about what they spend allowance on, whether their homework is done, whether they are dating, the clothes they wear away from home, the movie they’re seeing, and who they’re spending time with. They also lie about drinking and drug use, what music they listen to, how they spend afternoons, whether a party is being supervised, and riding in a car driven by a drunk teen.

Myth #2: My teen loves me way too much to lie.

NurtureShock reveals teens reported telling an outright lie about 25% of the time, avoiding the topic another 25% of the time, and simply withholding relevant details about half the time.

Before her research, Darling writes she believed kids probably lied to avoid getting into trouble. So it was surprising to learn the most common reason for the teens’ deception was actually: “I’M TRYING TO PROTECT THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS; I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME.” In their mind, loving you might mean protecting you—by lying.

Myth #3: My kids don’t have to lie; I’m cool and give plenty of freedom.

Darling as quoted in NurtureShock was surprised by the number of parents with anxiety about pushing their kids into rebellion. She indicates “Many parents today believe the best way to get teens to disclose is to be more permissive and not set outright rules.” However, being permissive does not open the door to learning more about a teen’s life! When parents lower the standard, teens interpret the lack of rules to mean parents don’t care and don’t want the job of being a parent. It definitely does not pay to be permissive.

Myth #4: I can’t imagine how my already rebellious tween will be in high school.

You may actually not have to worry. Current research in Bronson's book suggests teens objecting to their parents’ authority peaks at around age 14 to 15. What is shocking is that this need for autonomy is stronger at age 11 than at age 18. So if you’ve been thinking the high school years are the high risk years, think again.

Myth #5: I’m a super strict parent so my kids probably don’t lie.

“The parents who are the most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” indicates Darling (in NurtureShock). Such parents set a few key rules (it’s too unrealistic and impossible to enforce twenty rules) and explain why the rules are in place.

These parents demonstrate flexibility. They extend freedom to their teen so he can make his own decisions. Instead of hiding 12 areas from their parents, kids of these types of parents might only be hiding as few as five. There is a spirit of collaboration which encourages the teen to not lie.

Myth #6: I have a great relationship with my teen since we hardly argue.

Even though most parents get stressed out by arguing with their teen, Bronson and Merryman note it appears that in families with the least amount of lying, there is a higher ratio of such arguing or complaining. Why? Teens don’t necessarily see arguing and fighting as harmful or destructive.

The authors suggest the flipside to arguing for many teens is lying! So a teen can either lie to the parent and then go do what they want behind the parent’s back, or argue—negotiate with the parent—and avoid lying. More than anything else, it seems to be how an argument gets resolved and whether a teen feels heard that is most important.

Michele Ranard is the parent of two teens. She is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Bronson, Po and Merryman, Ahsley. NurtureShock. Hachette, 2009.

6 Tips to Help!
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
660 words

“When I got out of bed this morning I tripped on the skateboard and by mistake I dropped my sweater in the sink while the water was running.”--hero from Alexander and the Terrible…

Tantrums over tuna. Meltdowns in Macy’s. Bedtime blow-ups. Seismic storms after soccer. Adolescent animosity. Behind every spirited child in distress is a parent tempted to reach for pain reliever—or Pinot Noir—which ever is closest.

Okay, that last part might just be me, but the moods of our children can shift from cheer to rage so swift and fiercely that we’re left dazed and confused. And unfortunately kids don’t grow out of bad moods like they do their one-sies.

Remember Alexander’s totally sucky day? All of us have moments we want to run away to Australia! But who knew? Apparently Australian parents and kids get moody too. Here are some common ‘very bad mood’ triggers and tips to avoid them.

Why Terrible Horrible Moods Happen to Good Children

*Changes in routine. All parents understand it, but we still act surprised when our kids react to change with distress. “But you said we’d get ice cream right after school!” WE think they need to go with the flow. THEY want predictable.

*Overstimulation. Too much of a good thing can be bad. Noise, interference, and stimulation in their surroundings can cause some kids to become irritable. Children often don’t realize it’s their environment making them edgy.

*Exhaustion. Hello? Sleep deprivation makes children of all ages emotionally weird and less resilient. Teens especially do not get enough shut eye!

*Tummy’s agrowlin’. The tricky part about cranky hungry kids? They may not recognize they’re hungry! You have to do the thinking and be armed with snacks especially when you’re away from home.

*Growing pains. Yep. Blame it on hormones. Physical and neurological growth can cause children to be moody.

*Injustice. “Hey! Sophie got a bigger slice!” Even if Sophie didn’t get a more sizeable helping, perceiving she did can trigger a nasty mood.

Turning Moody Frowns Upside Down

Poor Alexander can’t even get away from his bad day when he settles down for the night. He bites his tongue and the cat deserts him! Fortunately he has a parent who reassures him everyone has bad days.

A few principles suggested by Rick and Jan Hanson, authors of Mother Nurture (Penguin, 2002)may ease those sour moods.

1. One-on-one attention. Make sure your moody child is getting plenty of nurturance in the form of quality attention for at least 20 minutes daily (ideally, more time than that).

2. Soak up the sunshine. Children need to build up a positive emotional memory so they can access those happy places when life isn’t going smoothly. Dr. Hanson suggests spending a few minutes at bedtime reviewing all the things that make her feel good and reminding her to savor those things.

3. Watch out for stress. Some moody kids have a hard time coping with stressors such as long days of childcare, overscheduling, and too-high expectations. While you can’t eliminate stress for your kids, be a good model of coping. Reassure them they don’t need to worry and teach strategies to calm themselves.

4. Seek out objectivity. Frequently it helps to ask a teacher, family friend, or counselor for an opinion about your child’s moods—is there a bully at school? Is it possible you’re missing something?

5. Assess their diet. Think about whether your child is eating enough protein or consuming too much sugar. Make sure she is offered nutritious meals, consider vitamins, and watch for symptoms of food allergies.

6. Take care of yourself. Don’t forget that you need nurturance too. Moody kids bring lots of stress into the home, so take good care of your marriage and your own emotional well-being.

In addition to the above, make sure you and your children get enough sleep to keep up your energy and stamina for those terrible, horrible, no good days.

Michele Ranard understands Alexander. She is a professional counselor/tutor and a freelancer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Rick Hanson, Jan Hanson, and Ricki Pollycover. Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships. Penguin, 2002.

Viorst, Judith. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. ALA, 1972.

Why They Feel Overwhelmed & How to Help
690 wds
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

As a mother and former preschool teacher, I understand stress. Every parent does. But it can be a real issue for kids too. It turns out the hormone our bodies release to deal with stressors—cortisol—is one way to measure and explore stress in children.

Adults cope with stress by learning to calm themselves, and three to six-year-olds need to learn coping too. Understanding some of the underlying structures of stress may help us better guide them.

Cortisol Levels at Home & Away
Why does cortisol matter? Cortisol controls our responses to stress and aids in digestion, the immune system, and energy usage. When we face challenges, cortisol levels spike and provide us with energy. It can suppress immunity when stress is chronic so we need stable levels to remain healthy.

Sarah Watamura of the Child Health & Development Lab at the University of Denver looked at cortisol and stress in toddlers and preschoolers. She found young kids were aware of stress within the family even if parents tried to hide it. Paying attention to a preschooler’s stress signals (crying after separation, exhaustion after day care, trouble sleeping, frequent illness) and reacting with support helps.

What stresses them out? Watamura discovered that even more than separation anxiety, it was their interaction with peers. Levels of cortisol often increased as they attempted to play with lots of other kids.

“At home, preschool-age children typically show a decreasing pattern of cortisol production across the day,” Watamura says. “At child care, many children show a rising pattern,” probably since they are more challenged there.

Nurturance At Home to Combat Stress

Science shows nurturance matters. The amount of nurturing rat pups receive from their mothers (licking and grooming in infancy) has lasting effects on the stress response over the life cycle. Laurie Miller Brotman and researchers at the NYU School of Medicine found in studies of parenting and children’s stress response that in fact, there is a cause-effect relationship.

They aimed to see whether intervention for preschoolers at risk for antisocial behavior could alter the kids’ biological response to a stressful social situation (playing with a group of unfamiliar peers). After the intervention, cortisol levels of preschoolers who were taught coping skills were found to be lower than for those without instruction.

Brotman says “The results provide further evidence that early intervention can have a profound effect on children.”

Stress at Home

Preschoolers are affected by the stress of family members. A new study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that almost 15 percent of preschoolers have atypically high levels of depression and anxiety. This five-year exploration of Sylvana M. Cote and fellow international researchers in Canada and France found that children with atypical levels were more likely to have mothers with a history of depression.

“We found that lifetime maternal depression was the second most important predictor of atypically high depressive and anxiety problems during preschool years,” says Cote. The researchers stress preventive interventions are needed to see a long-term impact on the well-being of kids at risk.

Tips to Help Stressed Out Preschoolers Cope

*Assure your child. If the stressor for your child is at home, Watamura says talk to your child about how you will be able to figure it out and that there’s no need for worry.

*Assess the connection. If your stressed child goes to day care or preschool, investigate to make sure your child’s teacher is bonding with her. Science shows that cortisol levels are more stable when there is a secure attachment.

*Ask around. Watamura suggests asking your care provider: “Does my child play well when she wants to play? How does she do when I leave? When are the roughest times of day?”

*Choices. Give your child appropriate ones i.e. let her pick a friend for a playdate.

*Offer a heads up. To prevent a meltdown, make sure she knows what to expect—she’ll be better able to adjust to circumstances which could trigger stress.

*Forget about creating CONSTANT nirvana. Watamura reminds that “Like adults, kids don’t always have to be happy” so you shouldn’t automatically try to “fix” things.

Michele Ranard has two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Cote, Sylvana M. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Feb 2009.

Watamura, Sarah, Ph.D. Director of the Child Health & Development Lab at the University of Denver. http://www.du.edu/psychology/child_health_and_development/

Laurie Miller Brotman, Ph.D. “Effects of a Psychosocial Family-Based Preventive Intervention on Cortisol Response to a Social Challenge in Preschoolers at High Risk for Antisocial Behavior.” Archives of General Psychiatry. Oct 2007.

This is my delicious cookie recipe published in Country Home magazine last year that won me lots of loot and sparked excitment about publishing and led to freelancing. Been making them FOREVER, my kids are crazy for them, and they’re JUST THAT GOOD. Here's the link to the article and recipe so you can make 'em.
http://www.countryhome.com/recipes/bakingdesserts/best-loved-cookies_6.html