hello lovely child: humor

DECODING THEIR INTERNET SLANG

6:15 PM

10 Terms Your Teen May Text

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

680 words

If you live with plugged-in teens or young adults like me, then you have likely been exposed to more text acronyms, Facebook emoticons, and Tumblr memes than you can shake a stick at (now THERE’S an expression to annoy and stump Generation TMI!). It’s overwhelming! (In slang terms…I can’t even!)

If, as Gen Xers, we were faced only with learning new Millennial slang once and for all, we might actually feel on fleek (see below). Problem is: internet-speak and social media slang in particular not only varies from traditional conversational language, it constantly reinvents itself. So while it was totally safe to type “totes” a few years ago, you will totes text away your dignity should you message it today.

Why even bother to keep up with the slang? It’s a fun way to connect and laugh with your kids, to meet them where they are, and to keep our aging brains massaged and sharp. Here is a social media slang primer gleaned from my experience as the often dazed and confused parent of swaggy kids and frequent traveler to blogland:

1. Fleek: When something is perfect, going right or on point, it is on fleek. Sort of synonymous with awesome except not entirely. “Fleek” or “On fleek” can describe beautiful eyebrows (an infamous Vine by Peaches Monroee is responsible), delicious pancakes, Taco Bell, or exceptional greatness. Usage: Bae, you look amazing—those boots are on FLEEK!

2. Basic: Unoriginal, uninteresting, uncool, unsophisticated, boring or mainstream; with transparent motives. Usage: She’s sooooo BASIC…she just drinks pumpkin spice lattes and plays Candy Crush.

3. Bae: This word has infiltrated all social media and is probably on its way out so you probably know it, but just in case: technically stands for "before anyone else" but has been adapted to be synonymous with "baby" or "sweetie." Usage: Liam Hemsworth is my BAE, even though he may not know it.

4. Mood: Mood is a literal use of the word. Amelia Diamond of ManRepeller describes it this way: “A mood ring or one of those curling paper fish can help you determine your emotions if you’re having trouble and your therapist is on vacation. Usage: “Mood” accompanies a posted photo (ironic or not) to best describe your mood.

5. Turnt Up: This term refers to a person’s level of hyperactivity, is frequently associated with alcohol or drugs, and is often referenced in music. It can also be used to describe the level of a party. Usage: Man Bro that party was TURNT UP last night!

6. When You ___ Like: This is a phrase to pair with an image that will act as a visual punchline. Usage: A gif of a sleeping cat who appears dead might be accompanied with the text: When you take too much Nyquil like…

7. Vibes: This one is straightforward and seems to have enduring appeal. Refers to feelings, atmosphere, something that makes you feel good, or a way to express sorrow for someone when something bad has happened to them. Usage: Good VIBES from this place. Song's got a good VIBE. Sorry your cat died, VIBES dude.

8. Nah: A Gangsta way to respond "No." Usage: NAH, that ain't right!

9. Thirsty: To crave attention; visual or verbal demonstrations of how interested you are in someone. Often refers to trying to talk to the opposite sex. Usage: Why he so THIRSTY? He's always in my inbox trying to talk to me!

10. Doe: An alternative term for the word "though.” Usage: Word! What up DOE? How u been l8ly?

Warning: Learning a list of current internet slang is a start; however, context is everything. Let’s say, for example, your highschooler has posted an image on social media with the sole word GOALS. Goals? She means the visual she posted depicts something she would like to be or do. Straightforward, right? Except the photo may actually reflect something for which she has zero aspiration, in which case she is being ironic. Her peers will immediately detect the irony or what she is conveying, but you doe? Nah.

Sources:

(Terms 1-3) Oshry, Claudia. The Huffington Post. December 12, 2014.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/12/slang-words-2015-approved-_n_6288546.html

(Terms 4-6) Diamond, Amelia. Man Repeller. December 29, 2014. http://www.manrepeller.com/2014/12/the-14-words-of-2014-best-and-worst.html

(Terms 7-10) Urban Dictionary. Urbandictionary.com

Michele Ranard would like to believe her parenting skills are on fleek though she fails to keep up with her sons’ slang. She relishes in breaking Millennial code every chance she gets. Find more of her articles at http://hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

humor

HOLY TEEN SLACKERS

12:01 PM

Holy Teen Slackers
A Rant for Parents Living With the Unclean.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
600 words

(First published in "My Life as a Parent" in Parentwise Austin)

Think Mary had to nag teen Jesus to the point of psychotic break to get him to hang his wet towel on the bathroom hook installed by Joseph? I mean, we know the Savior at twelve was feisty and independent-minded (remember his little disappearing act for three days in the Temple? Can you even imagine the level of parental anxiety and amber alerts?).

The Bible doesn’t mention whether the fifteen-year-old Prince of Peace navigated a slovenly phase. But it somehow helps to think he did.

I am fully aware teenagers are famous for their untidiness and that I’m in good company as a parent. But as a hotflashing mom of highschoolers, their slacking pushes me to the limit. Sure, venting, cardio, and prescriptions help calm my hormonal midlife frenzy—in fact, pharmaceuticals work such magic that at times I am too mellow to battle these kids and you might actually mistake me for Christ’s mother. (A blasphemous lie! Though often fatigued, I confess I am never too short on energy to battle an inconsiderate teen.)

The other day I confronted our son L. “You need to clean this room immediately! How could you possibly stand to live like this?”

L. earnestly responded with the ridiculous explanation he always delivers. “I really like to be able to see all my stuff.”

When I pointed out the ‘perspiration and garlic’ odor emanating from the space, he reassured me that ‘beyond stanky’ is not an issue for him. “It’s all those years of nose spray,” he sincerely explained. “Can’t smell a thing.”

Leave it to a teen to paint chronic sinusitis and the abuse of decongestants as blessings in disguise.

My younger son J. can still smell; he’s simply lost his senses of order and dignity. It’s shocking in light of his history as a saintly neatnick. He was one of those religiously obsessive ‘put every crayon back in the box perfectly’ children who finger-pressed his fresh laundry. Then J. turned thirteen.

We never heard from Mr. Clean again.

Although he knows full well about my approaching menopause and the biblical intensity of my OCD, everyday this formerly tidy teen scorns me. He sinfully tosses his backpack on the floor, as near as physically possible to our hall closet, without scooting it inside where it belongs.

This lack of courtesy might be forgivable were it not for the unrighteous supernatural phenomenon which inevitably follows: that cursed backpack camouflages itself on the hardwood floor precisely long enough for a dizzy-and-estrogenic-mother-of-Christ-like-female to trip on it.

Do you know how long it takes a toenail to grow back? I’ll let you know.

I wasn’t always so hell, fire, and brimstone about clutter and chaos. There was a season when, hormonally balanced and high on Windex, I whistled through housework. That was also the season the kids were still singing the gospel of Barney's clean up song. (Everybody do your share. Ha!)

My current ranting and raving is the result of years of listening to the same three-word adolescent responses to my impassioned protests for more household help: “NOT MY FAULT” is second only in popularity to “STOP FREAKING OUT.”

I’ve grown pathetically aware that I have drastically lowered the cleanliness bar lately. Yep. Now I am just so grateful whenever my sons rinse their dirty paws before eating that I simply turn off the tap when they lazily forget. I don’t complain about their selective memory loss for closing drawers either.

(Blasphemy again! Let’s be honest: Mary was grateful. I’m just too menopausally weary and sick to death of my own freakin voice to deal.)

Michele Ranard is probably not as obnoxious as she paints herself. She has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling.

*image above by sheknows.com

humor

21 parental triumphs

7:49 PM

21 Parental Triumphs

Good Reasons to Let Us Eat Cake

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
620 words

It’s the little things, as they say. Assorted daily small victories—triumphs even—that only parents who aren’t perfect or posers can truly celebrate. This list of personal favorites is decidedly one-off and twisted…not unlike living with the children we cherish.

Can you claim any of the following parental victories? Well then, it is only fitting you get your just desserts.

1. Queen of Milk. Upon discovering you were all out, you dragged yourself to the market in the pouring rain to buy organic soy milk for the kids’ French toast rather than lazily substituting that frozen breast milk.

2. You’re All That. You managed to sail through an entire day without being barfed on or called “an inferior being who supplied these genes” once.

3. Responsible is Your Middle Name. Even though it was a temptation, you did NOT ask the UPS guy to “Please please please just keep an eye on Aidan in the ExcerSaucer for five minutes while I shower.”

4. It Really is the Little Things. You miraculously remembered to empty your teen’s pockets of his iPhone and driver’s permit before throwing in a load of laundry.

5. Patience is Yours. After helping your 5th grader prepare for the physical science exam, no one required traction or reconstructive surgery.

6. Your Awesome-ish is Legendary. Everyone under the roof has clean underwear to wear tomorrow.

7. Oh Yeahhhhhh, You’ve Still Got it. One of the kids commented “Your eyes aren’t as bloodshot and scary like yesterday, mommy.”

8. Cuz You’re Graceful. Last night when you tripped, you did not accidentally impale yourself on a Lego sculpture carelessly lying near that puddle of urine in which you slipped.

9. You’ve Always Been Well-groomed. Appearing relaxed and chic at the library’s story hour, no one complimented you on the "adorable grandchild."

10. When You’ve Got it, You’ve Got it. After 7th grader Ashley handed you her midterm grade report, you didn’t respond with “We are going to have to let you go.”

11. Social Networking Proves It. Your Facebook status reads more Mr. Rogers than Charlie Sheen.

12. It’s All in the Details. You prevented your child from being scarred for life and avoided a messy Family Services investigation by successfully packing your 9-year-old’s lunch without tossing in a can of Bud-Light (which looks eerily similar to blue cans of apple juice at 5:30 a.m.).

13. Move Over, Top Chef. Some version of “Best brownies in the galaxy!” was declared after dinner and not “Daaaaaad! Hand me a straw for Ma's meatloaf!”

14. Because You’re Amazing. When the 16 year-old sent the text about the $350 speeding ticket, you refrained from reacting with roundhouse kicks and binge drinking.

15. They Are all Just Teaching Moments. When your tween announced SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT MORE TOILET PAPER ON THE ROLL, you calmly, without sarcasm suggested that “someone” might be “him.”

16. Hallelujah, You Rock. You managed the impossible: you took a nap today while your infant napped.

17. Advocacy is Your Strong Suit. Neither anxiety nor rage overtook you when your first-grader’s teacher announced your child’s impulsivity and failure to master phonics seem likely to lead to a life of crime.

18. Always the Bearer of Sweet News! The text sent to your spouse tonight read “Oops we r outta diapers” and not “Oops firstborn needs bail.”

19. Diva, Diva, Diva. If you’re a mom, you actually found adequate minutes to shave BOTH legs in the shower.

20. Handsome Devil. If you’re a dad, a portrait of you created by your preschooler is charming, without obvious horns or a pitchfork.

21. King of Orthodontia. You retrieved your 6^th grader’s expensive retainer accidentally thrown away in the trash bin three days ago.

Michele Ranard has three backup stashes of Peanut Butter M&Ms, a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. She has a blog at http://hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

humor

the upside of parenting teens

3:16 PM

humor

parlez vous teen?

2:16 PM

Parlez Vous Teen?

Decoding Millennial Slang
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
615 words

I live with teenagers. The other morning at breakfast, my 15-year old son mentioned sorrowfully he may have “tossed a fork.” I grimaced. Because I have grown so accustomed to feeling clueless for what my kids and their friends are talking about (“Dude, that song is way sick widdit stupid hotness yo!”), I assumed “tossed a fork” was new lingo for “blew chunks.”

In reality, my son literally threw a piece of cutlery in the trash. Clearly I over-analyze, but it feels like every day new jargon from their ever-evolving vocabularies is introduced. Here are a few terms with definitions learned from my teen sons, my experience as the parent of millenials, and the world wide web:

Going Screensaver: When you notice a coworker spacing out or dozing off in a meeting.

“Check it out, look at Joe. He’s going screensaver.”

Rosetta-stoned: One who gets so high, he or she begins to speak in a foreign language.

Phone-yawn: The act of taking out a cell phone from one's pocket or purse, resulting in other people in the vicinity taking out and checking their phones as well.

Ballin: The term has been thrown around our house (pun intended) for years so I am sort of a ‘ballin’ connoisseur. It means to be living the high life, to be well respected, to be wealthy or to be a basketball player. “That dude is ballin.”

Tranq: 1. A sedative, or the act of sedating.

2. Any chemical substance used for calming a human or animal through injection or ingestion.

n. "The TRANQs are kept in the emergency medical locker by the gauze."

v. "The bear was TRANQed so that officials could safely transport it back into the wild."
v. "You need to TRANQ out, man, it isn't the end of the world."

Totes: Short for totally.

Facebook Ammo: A humiliating or incriminating photo saved on a friend’s camera to be potentially posted on Facebook for blackmail purposes.

Generation TMI (Too Much Information): While not slang, it is a concept parents of teens likely understand but may need a term for. Urbandictionary.com defines it roughly as kids overloaded with too much information because of the rapid growth of technology and the incessant need people have to share information online.

Text Anxiety: The worry after texting someone when they don’t text right back. Are they alive? Mad? What could possibly be taking so long?

Text Away Your Dignity: Familiar with drunk dialing? It’s the equivalent with texting.

Throw Down: (NOTE: Pay close attention to this one—throw down or throwdown means a million different things depending on context!)

#1: To contribute money to pay for something.

Colton: “Dude, I’m gonna make a McDonald’s run, want some?”
Jake: “Sure, dude, I’ll throw down.”

#2: To mosh or slam dance.

“He totally threw down in the pit.”

#3: To street fight, like “throwing down the gauntlet.”

#4: To throw a large party. (WARNING: it may not be ‘dancing’ they’re planning to do this weekend if you hear your kid mention throwdown on the phone.)

#5: To drink excessively; see warning in #4.

Tiger’s Wife Mad: Or TW Mad. So angry that you find the item which the object of your anger cherishes the most and proceed to beat him/her with it.

“Did you see that dude ask for the manager at Taco Bell? He was Tiger’s wife mad with the burrito!”

By the way, do not under any circumstances try out these expressions on your teens! Trust. They could easily become TW mad and reach for…whatever. Use this knowledge solely to decode, sympathize, and delude yourself into feeling cool. (If you parent a teen, you already know a delusion is the closest you’ll come.)

Because Michele Ranard is paranoid, she still worries ‘tossed a fork’ is secret code. She is an epic sick blogger at http://hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com and http://hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Sources: The Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com) and sons