hello lovely child

7 Ideas to Encourage Imagination
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
1060 words





1.       Model a creative life. Nurturing your own creative spirit will not only improve the quality of your own life, but according to Soule, “It will also serve as a guide and model to your children on finding their creative selves.” While many avenues exist to explore your artistic side, a good start is an excellent read. Soule recommends The Starving Artist’s Way (2004) by Nava Lubelski, which offers 100 “far-out, appealing, and interesting” suggestions ( Ever make felt from cat hair?).

However you choose to nurture your spirit, Dr. Markham says children must come to understand perfection is not the goal. She asserts “Children want to emulate their parents and will learn from your example that you don’t have to be perfect at things to give them a go.”

2.       Practice gratitude. You may not automatically glimpse the link between gratitude and creativity in bloom, but it’s a strong one. Soule describes it this way: “When we feel grateful, we feel full—full of love, full of inspiration, full of ideas, and full of creative spirit.” In The Creative Family are recommended activities to cultivate gratitude in children such as writing thank-you cards, writing a gratitude alphabet, and creating joy jars (decorating a jar as a gift for someone special and filling it with positive messages).

Don’t forget the power of gratitude for your own growth. In Flourish (2011), pioneer of positive psychology Martin Seligman maps out an incredibly simple exercise to raise well-being and lower depression called “The Gratitude Visit.” Simply write a letter to someone (from your past) who said or did something that changed your life for the better. Then set up a meeting with that person, being vague about the purpose to keep it a surprise. Read the letter aloud slowly and discuss your feelings afterward. Simple, yet Seligman says you will feel happier and less depressed within a month.

3.       Prioritize unstructured time. Watching television rarely helps the imagination to bloom. Blogger Tracy O’Connor warns “Television not only encourages children and adults to be passive consumers of entertainment but it can also promote materialism and obesity.” Conversely, unstructured time allows children to engage. Dr. Markham says “Kids need practice with unstructured time, or they will never learn to manage it.” She suggests parents focus on play and process, not productivity.

Unstructured time does not mean boring or unentertaining time. Do make it fun—the process of creating should be joyful, not necessarily the end product. O’Connor says choose toys promoting creative play, such as lego bricks and blocks. These are superior choices to toys that only do one thing.

Make basic instruments available at home (hand drums, whistles, maracas, harmonicas, recorders, triangles, shakers) so as Soule writes “they’ll naturally discover and play with them as they do with their toys.”

4.       Expose them to art. Art museums and concerts? Yes. But think of activities close to home as well. “Take your child to an older cousin’s school play or high school art exhibit. Point out art in local coffee shops and take a minute to listen to street musicians before going on your way” suggests O’Connor.

An alternative to straying from home is hosting Art Night with friends. Soule suggests providing art supplies, magazines and catalogs to make collages, and including both the old and young. She says “The benefits are tremendous for our little ones, who can create alongside the adults in their lives. And what adult couldn’t use a little inspiration from children?”

5.       Head into the Kitchen. There are so many opportunities for creative cooking beyond Tollhouse cookies. Soule recommends Fairy Tale Feasts by Jane Yolen (2009) featuring 20 stories, each with at least one recipe (the recipe for “Very French Toast” accompanies the French folktale “Diamonds and Toads.”). Another fun option is Georgeanne Brennan’s Green Eggs and Ham Cookbook (2006) filled with silly recipes for Cat in the Hat pudding to Moose Juice. (You’ve got to love that the pages of this cookbook are laminated!)

6.       Make supplies accessible. If kids know where to find materials for creating, they will use them. Have an organized storage system, and teach them how to properly take care of art items. Soule recommends buying quality art supplies such as a few good quality crayons over a box full of hundreds of mediocre ones. “It’s much more satisfying to work on something when the materials you are using actually ‘work’ and assist in what you are doing, rather than hinder and slow you down.”

7.       Chill about messes. Don’t fret the mess created by creative kids! Dr. Markham says it’s important to allow them to get messy since “kids who live in households with a focus on neatness are rated as less creative.” Did you get that? A parenting expert is telling us we are doing our kids a disservice (creatively speaking) if we over-emphasize keeping the place tidy!

Children are naturally imaginative, so in addition to these ideas, be mindful of obstacles to creativity like rules to “stay within the lines.” Dr. Markham recommends reminding kids it is perfectly okay to be artsy. “Make it okay for your child to be out of step with the norms of her peer group, to be unique, to see the world through her own glasses. To develop her individuality, she needs your support against the pressures of popular culture.”

Creativity’s pay-off is huge. If improved academic achievement and deeper connection were not reward enough, all of these nurturing experiences are pure fun!

Resources:

Practical ideas to help your child become more organized.

715 words

10 Tips to Help Because Names Really Do Matter.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
730 words



Are you or someone close to you expecting a baby? Congratulations! Choosing a name is one of the most thrilling and potentially stressful duties on your long list of preparations. Stressful because names matter!

Expectant parents today are much more adventurous in terms of naming their children. There are endless trendy, traditional, Biblical, and unorthodox picks to choose from, yet it still seems many parents remain reluctant to break away from the pack in choosing a name for their baby. That’s why maternity floors are full of bassinets marked “Madison” and “Jake.”

The Beauty of Traditional Names

While traditional names may sometimes lack “cool factor,” they make up for it with their solid history. Author of Bring Back Beatrice! Jennifer Griffin would like to see more folks choose traditional names and not feel shy about ignoring trends. Griffin says good names are “names that will stand the test of time, reflect your values, and bring joy to your child” and that “You can’t go wrong with something traditional, no matter how popular the name becomes.”

Since trendy names get vogue for awhile then disappear, it is a good idea to think long and hard before using them. Traditional names are not always in vogue, but Griffin compares them to heirlooms. In other words, even if a traditional name like Emma rises in popularity, since it has stood the test of time, Griffin says your child will be better off in a classroom full of Emmas than a classroom full of a trendy name that fell from favor.

Smokin’ Hot Right Now

* Names with exotic letters. Especially X, Y, Z, J, K, V, and W. Names with more than one of these letters are fashionable right now. Examples: Maddox, Vivienne, Elijah, Olivia, Wyatt.

* Old New England names. Examples: Hannah, Sophia, Noah, Benjamin, Gabriel.

* Unisex names. Examples: Peyton, Jorday, Taylor.

* Frankennames. Mashed up names like Ashlynn, Jayla, and Kyler.

* Names from pop-culture. Characters on TV and in films as well as the names of actors.

10 Tips To Decide On the Best Name

After reading Griffin’s book, I came away with a newfound respect for the baby naming process. These are her suggestions organized in ten smart tips.

1. Give your child a tie to the past. Consider family names of beloved relatives and cultural traditions.

2. The big three. Will the name stand the test of time, reflect your values, and bring joy to your child?

3. Think meaning. Think about how you will answer your child when he asks you someday why you chose his name.

4. Think nicknames. If you’re torn between a traditional and trendy name, one option is to use the trendy name as a nickname.

5. Think contrast. “Better to pair two or three-syllables with a single-syllable last name or a short first name with a long last name.”

6. Consider the American Express card test. Rule out names that are too long to fit on plastic.

7. Think monograms. RAT doesn’t look great embroidered on a spa robe.

8. Consider the school playground. You can probably remember certain kids who were teased mercilessly because of their name.

9. Don’t forget your last name. The name needs to make sense with your last name. If your last name is long, complicated, or exotic, it may be wise to give your baby a short and easy first name.

10. You don’t have to sacrifice the trendy name you love. If there’s a trendy or unorthodox name you adore, use it for a middle name.

Does the Name You Like Pass the Flaky Test?

This is excellent advice from Bring Back Beatrice! because it is grounded in reality and puts into perspective for parents that their little bundle of joy is going to be an adult someday with a real job. Here are three of Griffin’s tests for flakiness.

*"Imagine your child saying 'Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to welcome you aborad the aircraft. I’m your captain…'"

*"Imagine your doctor tells you that you need to see a specialist about your condition and hands you a business card. Imagine your child’s name on that card with a medical specialty below it."

*"Imagine a political advertisement with your child facing the camera saying, 'I’m…and I endorse this message.'"

The writer? Agonized with her husband for days in the hospital when their second child was born before finding peace with the Biblical name they chose. She has a master’s in counseling, a freelance writing career, and blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Griffin, Jennifer. 2011. Bring Back Beatrice! Workman.

Simple suggestions to increase productivity and reduce nagging!

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
750 words

If you live with a tween or teen, it’s likely you have a procrastinator under the roof and an equally likely chance you are now an expert at nagging. Does this sound like you?

“You can’t wait until the night before the math test to cram!”


“If you don’t start rehearsing that speech on Anne Frank, you’ll choke!”


“Get going on that required reading on the Executive branch!”

A Nasty Habit

Procrastination may be as much a part of our humanness as eating and sleeping, but adolescent kids seem especially vulnerable. In The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off, Rita Emmett explains procrastination is simply a bad habit we can correct. We fall prey to the behavior when we feel overwhelmed, become distracted or feel helpless.

Here’s the rub about their procrastinating and our nagging—are we actually practicing what we preach? Or are we guilty of putting off housework, bill paying, and turning in the report before deadline?

Perfectionism: Procrastination’s BFF

Your adolescent child may seem lazy when she is actually overwhelmed. Sometimes the feeling is a result of perfectionism as it goes hand in hand with procrastination. If your child is fearful of failing an exam or a particular task, such anxiety may cause her to stall. She may feel stuck and unable to become mentally mobilized. The bad habit may continue into adulthood, jeopardizing future successes.

A consistent fear of failure can lead to a pattern of indecisive behavior author Neil Fiore notes as a warning sign in The Now Habit. He also identifies low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness as red flags for procrastinating behavior.


1. Trick your brain.

There is hope. To combat the tendency to put things off, Fiore suggests transforming the thought “I don’t want to” into “I wonder what will come?” Sounds simple, but the attitude adjustment is powerful. In a sense, that subtle shift tricks the brain into a more productive mode.

2. Get comfy with mistakes.

Help your child understand how perfectionism stops him from greater productivity. Kids need to learn it is OK to make mistakes. Explain that “not perfect” is altogether different than “fail.” Plus, a certain comfort level with failure is necessary.

3. Model a healthy response to errors.

One of the best ways to get more comfortable about accepting mistakes is through modeling. Seeing parents acknowledge their own daily errors (and responding with humor and compassion for the missteps) is both a gift and permission for your tween to go for it.

4. Think smaller chunks.

Emmett recommends helping children break overwhelming tasks into smaller chunks. If your child has an upcoming Civil War test and simply cannot get the gears in motion, help her get organized. Look at the task of test preparation as a series of baby steps. Help her make a short list for a plan of attack, such as reread two chapters of the text Monday, study notes Tuesday and Wednesday, and cover vocabulary on Thursday. Ideally, middle school teachers would teach time management, but parents can also help children learn time-management strategies.

5. Set expectations for homework completion.

Parents can influence their tween’s productivity by setting firm rules at home, offering rewards, and making lists. Do not put off making these rules. The basic rule of “no TV until your homework is done” is an obvious place to begin to curb the procrastination. Screen time may be suspended or offered as rewards for successful time management.

6. Make lists like a bandit.

Make lists for everything so there can be no excuses. Adolescents are especially prone to selective memory even when rules are clearly articulated. Notes are more effective than nagging for gentle reminders of chores, appointments and expectations. Throw in some fun messages, too: “Megan Fox called. She said good luck on the simplifying fractions test!”

7. Remove the STING from feeling overwhelmed.

A great strategy from Emmett’s book:

*Select one task you’ve been putting off.
*Time yourself and take one hour to accomplish the task.
*Ignore everything around you, such as the phone and other tasks
*No breaks. One hour is realistic for a middle school student.
*Give yourself a reward once the task is complete.


M. Ranard is the queen mother of two princes of procrastination. She has a master’s in counseling, a freelance writing career, and blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Emmett, Rita. 2002. The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off. Walker and Company.

Fiore, Neil. 2007. The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play. Tarcher.

6 Ways to Minimize Your Child’s Risk for Eating Disorders

M. Ranard, M.Ed.
730 words

Seated on the floor with legs stretched out before her, my perfectly proportioned and petite eight year old niece recently gazed at her bare legs and sighed, “My thighs are fat!”

My friend Eileen’s son is thirteen with washboard abs from swimming but asks his mother far too often for the number of calories on his dinner plate.

Eating Disorders on the Rise

Such everyday scenarios reflect our children’s growing sensitivity to body image and weight issues. The media is saturated with unrealistic and unattainable body shapes, and our children are more vulnerable than ever to such images.

Unfortunately, the incidence of eating disturbances is increasing among children and teens across America. However, as parents we can play a major part in lowering their risk.

The National Eating Disorders Association reports the onset of eating disorders is usually in adolescence, but even KINDERGARTENERS can exhibit symptoms! So from an early age, parents should engage children in discussions of healthy bodies and healthy eating.

Symptoms

Anorexia Nervosa is a refusal to maintain a minimally normal weight for height, fear of gaining weight, and preoccupation with weight and body shape. Consequences of anorexia are muscle loss, weakening of the heart, osteoporosis, dehydration, and hair loss.

Bulimia Nervosa is over-eating in secret followed by compensatory behavior (self-induced vomiting or use of diuretics). Bulimics often fast, exercise compulsively, and become overly concerned with weight and shape. Consequences include heart irregularity due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal issues, ulcers, and tooth decay.

Binge Eating Disorder involves binge eating with an absence of compensatory behaviors. Consequences for health are the same as for obesity and include risk of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

Who Develops an Eating Disorder?

The NEDA estimates that 11 million Americans struggle with an eating disorder.

University of Minnesota Professor Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, an expert on eating disturbances in adolescence, identifies three types of risks for developing an eating disorder:

1. Poor body image/low self-esteem.
2. Messages in the environment that thin bodies are most attractive.
3. Dieting or binging.

Dr. Neumark-Sztainer suggests eating disorder prevention should begin at a very young age and writes “early messages can be as simple as learning to feel good about your body.”

Six Prevention Strategies

1. Stress health, not weight. Help your child develop a better body image by consistently stressing health, not thinness. In my niece’s case, her mother explained her thighs were “just right” and how not everyone’s legs look quite the same.

2. Explain the big payoff for sports. Talk to your kids about the importance of exercise, and encourage them to participate in team sports. Current research indicates athletes feel better about their bodies and weight than non-participants.

3. Model healthier behaviors yourself. Do not call yourself fat or talk negatively about your own body. If you are trying to lose weight, let your child know you are doing so to improve your health. You should avoid skipping meals and diet pills and instead model healthy eating and good exercise habits.

Eileen realized her adolescent son was influenced by hearing her count points for the Weight Watchers program. It was necessary to educate him about the program and the reasons he needed to consume many more calories than weight watching adults.

4. Teach your child self-respecting strategies for coping with negative emotions and stress. Talking it out, exercise, meditation, music, counseling, or prayer are a few healthy alternatives to overeating.

5. Eat healthy meals at home. Dr. Neumark-Sztainer writes “family meals can play a major role in preventing eating disorders, especially in adolescent girls.”

6. Discuss images in magazines and on television that present unrealistic bodies. We need to help boys and girls understand (and laugh!) at these unattainable images in the media. Adolescent girls are especially vulnerable to fashion magazines. A study by Kimberly Vaughan and Gregory Fouts actually linked the relationship of decreased eating disorder symptoms to decreased magazine reading!

Explain to your child that professional athletes and actresses like Halle Berry or Keira Knightley often workout for many hours daily to maintain such low weight. Help your child to understand genetics and the fact that healthy bodies are not one size fits all.

If your child’s poor body image or low self-esteem concerns you, talk to a counselor or medical professional. For more information about eating disorders, contact the National Association of Eating Disorders (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/) toll-free helpline at 800-931-2337.

M. Ranard is a professional counselor, an academic tutor, and a freelance writer. Visit her blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.


Resources:

The National Association of Eating Disorders, www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, toll-free helpline, 800-931-2337
The Center for the Advancement of Health, www.cfah.org
Interview of Dr. Neumark (www.cfah.org)
“What’s the best thing we can do for our kids” www.discoverumn.edu
“Changes in television and magazine exposure and eating disorder symptomatology.” Vaughan, Kimberley K. and Fouts, Gregory T. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Oct., 2003.

Stay sane through the process.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
795 words

When it comes to college applications, I know firsthand how “getting in” can feel like a cruel test of mental and emotional stamina. How much editing help should parents give for the essay? Which extracurriculars appeal most to admissions officers? Which school provides the best fit?

Feeling Stressed and Alone

Probably the most challenging part of the college planning process has been feeling alone in the anxiety. Many fellow parents remain tight-lipped and competitive, so it was a relief to fine Getting In Without Freaking Out by Arlene Matthews.

A professional college consultant, Matthews says college bound students and their parents need to take a major chill pill. Her guide is full of practical tips for tackling college application angst, and if you have vocal chords, you WILL laugh.

The following are smart secrets to lower your blood pressure and increase your optimism from her guide and my personal experience. Think of it as free therapy!

SMART SECRET #1: College Admissions is TRENDY.

It used to be that kids who were bright and well-rounded were placed at the top of the application heap by admissions officers. The acronym BWRK was the rage just a few years ago. Then parents made the mistake of going too far pushing their kids into extracurriculars and community service, and BWRKs fell from favor. Turns out colleges now prize angular candidates who sport a sharply focused interest or talent.

Whether your child is well-rounded or angular, rest easy knowing the planet needs all shapes and sizes. Well-rounded types do well in a variety of fields from medicine to movie making, and angular types create great art and discover new technologies.

Instead of trying to package your teen based on current admission fads, you should cherish and celebrate their unique shape. Jay Mathews, an education reporter for The Washington Post, suggests stressed out parents repeat this mantra: “People succeed because of the quality of their character, not the notoriety of their college.”

SMART SECRET #2: It’s Who They Are, Not Where They Go.

Some very successful people attended some un-cool sounding colleges (A little guy named Ron Reagan went to Eureka College in Illinois and sort of did okay). Our society has become so competitive within the realm of parenting that many people believe where their kids attend college is reflective of the job they did raising them. Ever heard a version of this at a cocktail party? William wishes he could say yes to BOTH Stanford and Yale! Fabulousness just runs in the family!

We are all charmed by designer schools, but generic is underrated, and it is simply pointless to flip out about getting your kids into the “perfect” designer school since that school does not exist. Not even in the Ivy League!

Matthews, with great comic verve likens the Ivies or “trophy schools” to “trophy wives.” While the name of a trophy school may leap out on a graduate’s resume, like a trophy wife, it can also be both expensive and notorious for putting more energy into recruiting new prospects than its students.

Lloyd Thacker of The Education Conservancy, contends, “A commercialized point of view is what turns the admissions process into a game...There is very little evidence that correlates the status of a college with effective educational practice. Parents need to listen to the facts, not their friends at cocktail parties."

Matthews reminds that in the scheme of things, there is a point where college credentials cease to matter. When the college days are history, employers in the workplace want to know what you have accomplished and whether you will continue to deliver. You may not even be aware of what college your friends, co-workers, or employer attended. But you ARE cognizant of whether your friend has strong moral character or if your co-worker has a notable work ethic.

SMART SECRET #3: Late Bloomers Can Finish Strong.

If you have a late bloomer, you may feel concerned. Maybe your child is bright and multi-potentialed but has yet to discover his niche. Perhaps he has no published articles, patents, or a single hospital named in his honor. What is frustrating is sensing that colleges want to see greatness demonstrated now.

The reality is there are plenty of teenagers just getting warmed up. Deferred blooming may also have a silver lining. After all, peaking at eighteen may spell disappointment down the line. Matthews points out the deferred greatness of Cervantes who completed Don Quixote at age sixty-eight and Grandma Moses who began painting in her late seventies. History reminds us finishing strong is honorable.

Muddling through “getting in” requires stamina, maybe some chocolate, and a sense of humor. Let’s face it. Worrying won’t appease the admissions gods or increase anyone’s chances of acceptance. So arm yourself with reality-based facts instead.

M. Ranard has a husband, two teens, and a master’s in counseling. Her blogs are hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Matthews, Arlene. Getting In Without Freaking Out. Three Rivers Press. 2006.
Thacker, Lloyd. www.educationconservancy.org
Mathews, Jay. “Ten Ways to Reduce College Application Stress.” The Washington Post. July 3, 2007.

Respond supportively and empower them for social setbacks.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
790 wds

Eight-year-old Abby’s green eyes pool with tears when she is asked about her day at dinner. “Maddy made fun of my haircut in front of Blake!”

It’s difficult to hear about our child suffering a social setback when they’re very young. It’s even trickier to know how to respond to setbacks once they reach about third grade. Frequently, we’re tempted to step in and attempt to fix things, but after a certain age (unless it’s chronic bullying), this can be disempowering to the child.

In their book Little Girls Can Be Mean (2010) Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert identify four steps for dealing with bullying.


Step 1: Observe

They suggest parents watch how their child interact with friends on the playground or playdates in order to assess social skills. Look for changes in the child’s overall demeanor, facial expression, and word choice to form an impression of what is going on.

Step 2: Connect

“Connecting with your child regardless of her age and empowering her to make active, informed decisions will help you and her build the strongest possible foundation from which to tackle social issues for the next decade and beyond.” The authors suggest using active listening skills and responding with statements such as “it sounds like…”

Step 3: Guide

Work with your child to better understand the situation and allow them to see” numerous possible solutions to a seemingly impossible problem.” Guiding them involves: identifying the real issue, depersonalizing the situation, scaling the worry down or up to size, brainstorming a number of possibilities, and helping her understand the dynamics of her friendship group (her place within it, how she feels about that, and how best to respond to her new knowledge).

Step 4: Support to Act

The goal is to increase your child’s sense of personal power. Engage in a dialogue about the pros and cons of possible actions. “Most important in this step is that she chooses a solution (or two or three) that she can live with and feel comfortable about.”

More Supportive Strategies

Clinical psychologists Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore offer tips honoring the “whole-child” for parents in The Unwritten Rules of Friendship.

*Get a teacher’s opinion. Your child’s teacher may be able to shed light on teasing or exclusion. Teachers can often connect the dots and provide helpful information about your child’s social behavior. You may learn your non-stop talker at home is tight-lipped at school. It helps to have a teacher’s objectivity.

*Provide plenty of socializing practice. Your child needs opportunities to simply play with others—not just structured activities and lessons. To learn to get along well, they need practice. The psychologists recommend short play dates focusing on a planned activity (bowling, going out for ice cream) for those children who are struggling socially.

*Maintain optimism. Being left off a guest list or ridiculed can feel like the end of the world. Remember that most teasing incidents are isolated situations. Help kids gain back perspective by expressing with confidence things will work out. If your child is upset because “everyone hates me” it’s important to listen and empathize but also offer hope and focus on future success.

Skip the ‘Interview for Pain’

School consultant and psychologist Michael Thompson suggests in Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children that when speaking with your child about their day you should avoid questions interviewing them for pain. “Was anyone mean to you today?” sets the wrong tone since it causes them to search their memory for negativity to report.

Keep the focus limited to how they may successfully handle the situation. Thompson suggests asking the following questions to explore their ability to cope after a social setback.

What do you think you’ll do if this happens again?
How do other kids handle teasing by so-and-so? Can you do the same?
Have you ever played with so-and-so before? Did a friend comfort you after you were teased?

Explore Together What Friendship Means

It’s tough to relax and step aside when we see our kids hurting. The desire to pick up the phone immediately and contact the parents of children associated with a conflict can be strong. But it’s important to help your child stay focused on the big picture: kindness, respect, and true friendship.

In her book When Friendship Hurts, Dr. Jan Yager discusses the role of empathy in friendship. She says “the feeling of empathy for a friend…stems from a deep-rooted emotion toward that friend, but it also reflects a basic ability to listen to others and truly care about what they are going through.”

By modeling empathy for our children, we are teaching a meaningful lesson in love they may then pay forward in their social lives and friendships.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Her blog is at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Anthony, Michelle and Reyna Lindert. 2010. Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades. St. Martin’s Griffin.

Elman, Natalie Madorsky and Eileen Kennedy-Moore. 2003. The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends. Little Brown & Co.

Thompson, Michael. 2002. Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. Ballantine.

Yager, Jan. 2002. When Friendship Hurts. Fireside.

Strategies to Cope Better.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
700 words

Do you need reminding what a high energy child looks like? I can help. As a parent, it was a struggle to cope with our youngest son, the poster child of “high energy volcanoes.”

Intense, passionate, over-sensitive, moody, and troubled by transitions, he was the toddler who required every tag cut from clothing, ran away at age three in Pullups and red galoshes, and once drove my mother to the brink of a nervous breakdown with a deafening crazed tantrum from hell in a minivan.

Even though I am a highly patient and positive parent, I found myself frustrated beyond words that my efforts did very little to change his difficult behavior.

Snapshot of a High Energy Child

These kids tend to have:

 Difficulty with transitions
 Difficulty with boundaries
 Intense emotions

They are sometimes called “explosive,” “difficult,” and “high maintenance.” Psychologist Linda Budd wrote Living with the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents and refers to this unique temperament as “the active alert child.”

Active alerts “find it difficult to let go of control, to deal with the intensity of emotions, to admit mistakes, to see a disagreement from another's perspective and to slow down to gain another's perspective.” They feel criticism more harshly and blow their mistakes out of proportion.

High energy kids pose a challenge to even the most patient parents. During the most turbulent years with my son, the advice I encountered more than any other was “be more patient and consistent.” (There were also plenty of unkind comments from other parents of the variety “Wow, just wait til he’s a teenager!”) However, there are additional strategies beyond simply that lip service which may help you cope.

Nurturing Strategies

1. Frame the Issue as a Family Matter. Budd’s approach to help focuses on tackling the subject from a family perspective rather than singling out the child as a “problem.” She suggests that for these children to feel more in control, they need more of the Three R’s: routine, rules, and rituals. Budd points to the positive personality traits associated with active alert kids such as intensity, intelligence, and activity—traits which may serve them well in adolescence and adulthood.

2. Don’t Assume You’re a Horrible Parent or Alone. I recall nights trying to fall asleep when I felt like I was the worst parent in the world because all day long I had put out fires, scolded, given time-outs, and yelled in frustration. It helps to talk to the parents of other high energy kids. You are definitely in good company.

3. Help Your Child Develop Coping Skills. To help an active alert child cope, parents can "assist the child in developing internal coping resources so that when she makes mistakes or doesn't know all the answers she will still feel okay about herself." One of the ways parents can powerfully nurture such development is to teach the attitude "Oh, well, mistakes can happen to anyone."

4. Keep in mind What Your Child Needs Most. Budd believes there are four elements to a child feeling parental love: Security, Protection, Importance, and Respect.

5. Understand Your Own Temperament. In Raising Your Spirited Child, longtime expert Mary Sheedy Kurcinka refers to high energy kids as “spirited.” She explains that understanding how your temperament matches with your child’s is key to living more peacefully together and appreciating the positive qualities their temperament encompasses.

6. Teach Skills to Recognize Triggers. Kurcinka says parents of spirited kids need to teach them skills to recognize their triggers. In this way, they learn to cope and communicate what they feel. Parents can also help kids see their temperament is to be valued and that it will serve them well later. In the mean time, their intensity can be channelled into a positive outlet.

7. Read Books on the Subject. There are excellent sources which will encourage you and help you feel there are active steps and changes to make in your thinking and discipline which will ease this burden. In addition to the two mentioned, Ross W. Greene’s The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children (2010) offers an excellent collaborative problem solving approach.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master's in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Budd, Linda. 1993. Living With the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents. Parenting Press.

Greene, Ross W. 2010. The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper.

Kurcinka, Mary S. 1998. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Energetic. Harper.

Finding gratitude for our greatest blessing.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
825 words

Are you happier now that you are a parent? A few years back, sociologist Robin Simon created a stir with her suggestion in the Journal for Health and Social Behavior (2005) that “bundle of joy” was a misnomer for most parents.

“Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," indicated Simon, whose study concluded that folks with the significantly greatest emotional well being had never had children.

Surprised?

Plenty of parents were for good reason. Sure kids trigger negative emotions. But Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert and author of Stumbling on Happiness (2007) says although kids may not increase our average daily enjoyment, “they bring transcendent moments that outweigh all the hard work.”

Psychological Wealth

The day in, day out job of parenting may be far from romantic, but if you’ve ever watched a toddler chase a butterfly or been asked “Will I need my clothes in heaven?” you know it can be sacred. You know happiness can wash over you from little moments with your children here and there, and in truth these moments are anything but little.

Children enhance our lives significantly, and in our busyness sometimes we fail to reflect upon them. Psychologists Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener refer to “psychological wealth” in their book Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth (2008) which is “the experience of well-being and a high quality of life.” Surely children add rich quality and increased psychological wealth to the lives of their parents.

The authors have advice for how we may become even more psychologically wealthy. They suggest seeing what’s good in the world (i.e. all those magical times with our kids) but remaining grounded in reality (i.e. kids are expensive and stressful!). The psychologically wealthy stay engaged in activities they believe are meaningful and apply their strengths to those activities.

Treasuring Contentment

Contentment gets a bad rap at times maybe because it doesn’t have a sexy ring to it. In Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure and Contentment (2009) Don Lucas says contentment is worth aspiring to. “Contentment is associated with everlasting positive emotions. Contentment is not associated with being idle, lazy, or giving up.”

Parenting is largely about experiencing positive, enduring emotions. Caring for children entails hard work and perseverance. Contentment from parenting motivates our behavior and empowers us to accomplish more than if we lacked contentment.

Lucas says “True happiness is a social thing. If the people who are close to you are not happy or not happy with you—you’ll have a tough time being happy.”

Increasing Parenting Happiness

How can parents increase their happiness? By becoming more focused on the positive. By consciously getting more intentional about savoring parenthood. And by feeling more gratitude for the gift of their children. Additionally, these simple ideas cannot be underestimated to help:

1. Get More Sleep. Taking care of your family takes a lot out of you. You’ve heard the “nap when baby naps” advice a million times, but it’s important. If possible, work out a shift schedule to get up with your infant. If you have school age children, it’s tempting to stay up late when they’re in bed and the house is peaceful. But try to go to sleep at the same decent hour they do. Beginning today, try to get one extra hour of sleep each night and notice the effect a less tired, new and improved you has on your outlook and relationships.

2. Recognize How Stressful Parenting Often Is. It’s easy to feel guilt for moments you don’t “feel” happy. In their book The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (2008) Russ Harris and Steven Hayes reassure that feeling unhappy does not mean you are defective. “The normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective; your mind’s just doing what it evolved to do.” Happiness isn’t about eliminating negative feelings; it’s being prepared to cope with those feelings.

3. Join Forces With Your Partner. Diener reminds us that the quality of our lives is diminished when we neglect to develop all the aspects of our true psychological wealth—especially our loving relationships. Parents should encourage each other and talk often about the highs and low of raising kids. Laugh together at the daily craziness which is family life!

4. Let Gratitude Always Be at the Forefront of Your Thoughts. Counting our blessings everyday helps us remember happiness is not having what we want, but wanting what we have. One way to reflect on gratitude is to journal. Another is to write love notes expressing gratitude for your kids. Leave a note on a pillow, and if your child is young, read it aloud. See the big picture. Gilbert says “It’s easy to get caught up in the details, but you need to step back and realize how empty your life would be without these people in it.”

Michele Ranard is so grateful for parenthoodl! She has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Diener, Ed, and Biswas-Diener, Robert. 2008. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell.

Gilbert, Daniel. 2007. Stumbling on Happiness. Vintage.

Harris, Russ, and Hayes, Steven. 2008. The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter.

Lucas, Don. 2009. Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure, and Contentment. Hayden-MacNeil.

Simon, Robin. 2005. National Survey of Family and Households. Journal of Health and Social Behavior.

Free play is critical to health.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
690 words

Don’t you love it when science confirms what we want it to? Like consuming more chocolate and red wine are good for us. Or that adding more play to our lives is critical for better emotional, social, and cognitive health.

Science indeed provides evidence that kids need a fair amount of unstructured chill out time. Perhaps even more than what they’re getting now due to rigid school and activity schedules. While academics, lessons, and organized sports are important, goof-off time is too. Children are hard-wired for play, and to stay healthy they need plenty of unstructured opportunities.



Why Play?

Dr. Stuart Brown, clinical researcher and author of Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul (2009) studied the play behavior of animals and more than 6,000 people from all walks of life—serial killers to Nobel Prize winners. His research concluded that play time is critical to the emotional, social, and cognitive health of children.

Everyone understands play is pleasurable and a good distraction from stress, but science also teaches us that play “is a profound biological process” crucial to our survival. In rats, play reduces impulsivity, which is similar to ADHD in humans. We are simply hard-wired to play. Unfortunately, recess and P.E. are disappearing from the school day at a time kids need unstructured free-play more than ever.

Brown says making play a part of our daily lives is critical to feeling fulfilled as happy, successful human beings. What constitutes play? The retired psychiatrist says play is much more than games and sports. Play involves books, music, art, jokes, movies, drama, and daydreaming.

Play to Win

1. We’re built to play. Sometimes we trivialize play or fail to see its usefulness. But it’s more than fun. In addition to improving emotional health, it serves a biological purpose.

2. Emotional intelligence grows from play. When social mammals such as rats and monkeys are deprived of rough-and-tumble play, they enter adulthood emotionally fragile. Play builds resilience and helps them distinguish friend from foe, handle stress better, and form better skills to mate properly.

3. Play improves social competence. Play teaches people to master and adapt to changing circumstances. Even “dealing with or avoiding being excluded” from games like tag or dodge ball are helpful social skills to learn.

4. Play and physical activity improve symptoms of mild ADHD. Dr. Lara Honos-Webb, author of The Gift of ADHD (2005) says of the disorder “It is important to remember that nature is medicine and activity is medicine.” She suggests parents of children with ADHD make time for them to run around outside before school and be sure that recess is never taken away as a punishment for poor behavior.

5. Play can prevent a smoldering depression. Play is not simply a trivial escape. It provides a vehicle for learning to problem solve, and as Dr. Brown writes, “reshapes our rigid views of the world.”

6. Play burns calories. Trends for childhood obesity are staggering. According to the CDC, the prevalence of childhood obesity for 6-11 year-olds has increased from 6.5% (1976-80) to 17% (2003-2006). Obese kids have increased risk for cardiovascular disease, asthma, sleep apnea, and Type 2 diabetes.

7. Play deficiency may result in serious consequences. After analyzing thousands of “play histories,” Brown stresses that play deficiencies can lead to closed-mindedness, inflexibility, and unhappiness. Lifelong play is part of the antidote.

8. Rough and tumble play is developmentally critical. We knew it was helpful to development, but Dr. Brown discovered that for young homicidal males and drunk drivers, rough-and-tumble play was missing from their childhoods.

9. Play can lead to stronger academic performance. This may be especially relevant for boys. Anthony Pellegrini, educational psychologist and author of Recess (2005) discovered that successful peer interaction at recess was an excellent predictor of success on standardized tests. When boys established competence on the playground, they also did better in the classroom and paid attention better.

10. Successful people play A LOT. Playfulness sparks creativity and innovation. Brown’s analysis of the play histories of successful adults led him to discover “Highly successful people have a rich play life.”

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. She has blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Brown, Stuart. 2009. Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. Avery.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (http://www.cdc.gov)

Honos-Webb, Lara. 2005. The Gift of ADHD. New Harbinger.

Pellegrini, Anthony. 2005. Recess: It’s Role in Education and Development. Laurence Erlbaum.

Brilliant Ideas to Save Time, Money, and Sanity.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
740 words

As a parent, unless you have “real housewife” Camille Grammer’s four nannies and support staff, your brain probably swims with an endless list of chores and household responsibilities this very second. It can be exhausting. How will it all get done? There is hope.

Consider these shortcuts to save your sanity.

1. Ditch Dinner-time Drama.

“Mom! You know I can’t stand homemade lasagne!”
“Should we have fish tacos tonight, guys?”

It’s time to stop asking the family what they want for dinner. At least temporarily if it’s making you crazy. Dinner-time democracy always sounds like a good idea until it erupts into revolution.

Keep your focus on which healthy, balanced meal you will serve and not on multiple dishes to please each family member. If they hate the dish, you can offer cereal and yogurt as the alternative. This is not evil. This is called “mommy is lots nicer when she’s not totally insane.”

Also consider thinking in twos when you cook a meal. Roast extra chicken for the next night’s casserole. Make enough Swedish meatballs so you can toss some in with tomorrow’s spaghetti. Double the recipe. Cut manic mommy-stress in half.

2. Less Laundry Lovely.

Doing laundry is fulfilling! Not. Who says the kids’ clothes must be washed after one wear? Do Kevin’s jeans emit a funky smell? Is Nicole’s sweater bloodstained? Was Blake’s polo dragged through the muddy swamp? If not, explain they can wear clothing again (and, okay, again!) to minimize dirty laundry and water consumption. In addition to green living, this is a very Tommy Lee rockstar way to live.

3. Changing Table Change-Up.

It can drive you crazy when your child needs a diaper change and supplies are not at hand. Instead of buying just one package of wipes or diapers at a time, buy multiples. Stock the changing table/station with diapers, cream, and essentials and also have supply stashes in other places around the house. This saves you time by preventing trips running upstairs or out to the van for the diaper bag. It will also make it safer for your little one since it can be tempting when you’re missing something to step away from the table.

4. Outstanding Outfit Ooh-La-Las.

Is there anything quite like ultimate fighting with your child over the “perfect outfit” at the break of day? Put an end to time wasting morning meltdowns because they cannot decide what garments FEEL right for that particular day. Without guilt (we’re talking about your mental health here, Not-Mrs.-Grammer, for cryin’ out loud) use Sunday nights to pick out a week’s worth of clothes. Buy a nifty cubby organizer to hold the outfits if it reinforces the smart habit. Then actually USE the thing.

5. Stay Cool and Carpool.

Fuel is expensive, carpooling is great for the environment, and our time is valuable. So give yourself a break and become accustomed to sharing driving responsibility with other parents. The bonus is you’ll get to know your kids’ friends and teammates better and stay in the loop.

6. Birthday Bargain Brilliance.

While shopping, keep your eyes peeled for smart non-expensive unisex birthday gifts. Snatch up the bargains and save yourself from angst-filled last minute scenarios before the bash. You can even really show off and wrap the gifts before you even need them.

Speaking of shopping, don’t lose your mind driving from store to store seeking the best price on small ticket items. Use coupons when you can, but the cost of gas and your time may not make all that running around worth it in the end.

7. Fake Bake.

It is more than okay to buy the cookies or cupcakes for the bake sale, party, or fundraiser should you not have time to bake. Kids have loved Oreos for years and years for a reason, and “from scratch” has never meant “because I love you more.”

8. Controlled Chaos Keeper.

You know that super annoyingly organized friend of yours who reminds you of Martha? She has that genius dry-erase board near her back door with every family activity sketched out for the next three months? Just a thought…but maybe she’s on to something. Invest in something similar or a good old-school corkboard. Encourage your kids to jump on the “look we actually have a schedule” bandwagon.

Breathe in the sweet oxygen of a life that may not be free of cares but feels way less disorganized.

Michele Ranard loves an organized nest. She has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling, and blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.