hello lovely child

Ideas to connect beyond possessions, sports, and texting.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
790 words

Your tween or teen may be busier than ever with school, sports, and socializing. So as parents we have to be on our game and intentional about connecting with them. (And by connecting, I don’t mean leaving a comment on that photo they posted on FaceBook.)

I remember reading a quote from Robert Downey Jr. years ago when his child turned 13. His statement went something like “My job is now to service my teen.” I thought maybe he was kidding, and if he WAS serious, it was a beyond pathetic attitude.

Then I had tweens and teens.

It IS easy to feel that as our kids navigate adolescence, we are here to simply service them (as a chauffeur, cheerleader, and bank account). But parenting is about nurturing them in simple ways.

These suggestions offer reminders of easy efforts to strengthen bonds at home.

1. Make sure their friends feel welcome. This is one of the best ways to see more of your kids. Sometimes the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

2. See a movie together. Take turns choosing the film which will give you an opportunity to share your favorite movies or actors they may otherwise never see.

3. Let them help you cook. Trying a new recipe is a great way to bond, even if your culinary attempts are a disaster. My own kids love to help bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, they linger much longer than if we were just making waffles. It is hard to be cranky when the whole house smells like heavenly fresh bread, and baking skills are a wonderful investment for the future.

4. Reminisce about old times. Tweens and teens love to hear about funny things they said and did when they were little. The stories never get old and often trigger more stories and memories you may have forgotten. Laugh it up!

5. Get hooked on one TV show. Everyone in our house is home on Wednesday nights to watch our family favorite on TV. As a bonus, the show always hits on some spiritual themes we discuss openly. We even took a family vacation to the location where our show is filmed.

6. Eat together. This can be nearly impossible as everyone heads in different directions for lessons and sports, but it is important to carve out time. It doesn’t have to be dinner. If everyone is available for a long leisurely Saturday morning breakfast, go for it. Let them take turns choosing the restaurant, and do insist they unplug.

7. Show them your work. Sometimes we forget that it’s okay and even beneficial for our children to see our other roles. It makes my children feel more grown up when my husband and I bring them into conversations about our careers. I’m not suggesting you bore them to tears with technical language that alienates but share a little to expose them to the world of work and you.

8. Watch their favorite youTubes. My kids have introduced me to some of the most hilarious videos only kids their age could discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

9. Ask about their high and low. Since adolescents are notorious for grunting and mono-syllabic responses, regularly ask them to report on their high (the best thing that happened during the day) and their low (the worst). It is as healthy for them to reflect on these experiences as it is for you to be aware of them.

10. Create special memories between holidays. Do not wait for a holiday or birthday to create special moments. Light candles and play fun music on a Tuesday night when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something special on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant would. Surprise them on a weeknight by announcing you’re all going bowling. Treat them to a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

11. Write a love note. It can be difficult to find the right moment to express what is on your heart, but teens need to know how much you cherish them. Take the time to write how thankful you are for them and leave it on their pillow. They may never mention it, but it will matter.

12. Be brave and take a road trip. Sometimes the best way to re-connect is by putting some miles between your family and where the daily grind happens. Even if it is a day trip, find ways to make the commute more pleasant and set ground rules i.e. no arguing or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

15 REASONS TO SMILE IF YOU HAVE A TWEEN
We all need reminders now and then!
by Michele Ranard                        380 words

If you’re parenting a tween, you have probably bid goodbye to a good measure of childhood wonder and innocence. The tween years can be awkward for kids and grown-ups alike! With your child, you may also experience growing pains and even grief as they enter adolescence.

But there are plenty of positives about these in between years, and not everything about the younger ones was rosy. We tend to forget the stuff that drove us nuts. Here are some lighthearted reminders to file away and keep us optimistic.

1. Cue the confetti—Dora has left the building!

2. Remember air travel where an in-flight tantrum drove every passenger on board to the brink of insanity? Over. Plugged into an iPod or busy with Sudoku means far less mortification.

3. Now you can share an adolescent-appropriate movie then discuss its meaning—an opportunity for personal growth for both of you.

4. What a relief you are no longer expected to read the literature they are assigned in English class (which is uber cool since Othello is not your idea of “downtime” after work).

5. Suddenly you and your spouse dress more fashionably as a matter of THEIR survival.

6. Glimpsing your tween’s joy and skill on the football/soccer/baseball field invigorates the soul.

7. Every once in awhile they cross the room just to bend and give you a hug, and your heart grows three sizes.

8. Forwarding that hilarious youTube they introduced you to elevates you to coolest cat at the office.

9. Twelve-year-olds do a significantly better job vacuuming than toddlers.

10. Sippy cups, diaper genies, and rectal thermometers are history.

11. Shelling out $20 for the concert tee they’ll wear for two years is considerably easier to swallow than the $20 onesie which fit for two weeks.

12. Your dream of seeing Europe, taking up golf, or reading the classics? It’s within the realm of possibilities now.

13. When they’re sick, they probably don’t have to be wrestled to the ground for the grape flavored syrup that stains white onesies.

14. They’re not yet driving which means you may still be sleeping at night!

15. You finally have a few minutes to scrapbook baby photos—a task leading you to fall in love with your tween all over again.

Things were not always rosy way back when
by Michele Ranard

1. No more diaper rash, nighttime feedings, or teething.
2. Time for conversations with adults and leisurely dinners.
3. Barney has left the building!
4. No one expects you to look young, unlined, or happy.
5. Ability to shave TWO legs, as opposed to one half, in the shower.
6. Naughty chairs and time-outs? History.
7. In-house experts for all things cyber.
8. Car seats and neon orange goldfish cracker crumbs disappear from SUV.
9. Kids have probably outgrown ear infections and maybe even asthma.
10. Sharing favorite ‘80s DVDs like “Breakfast Club” or “Say Anything.”
11. Bidding au revoir to space eating excersaucer, swing, and highchair.
12. Freshman baseball games slightly more engaging than tee-ball.
13. Pocketing the cash shelled out to babysitters to now blow on pedicures.
14. More uninterrupted minutes to read House Beautiful or Twilight.
15. Will not have to rinse another dang sippy cup until the grandkids visit.
16. Do not require a vacation when you return home from a family vacation.
17. 30-minute lunch with a friend won’t entail 30-minute packing of diaper bag.
18. Less humiliation in restaurants, at pediatrician, and during the sermon.
19. Living room reads slight more chic sans jewel-toned molded plastic playhouse.
20. Impossible to not be aware of what is cool, hip, and trendy.
21. Not expected to help with math homework!
22. Stitches or shots may not require straight jacket or your upper body strength.
23. Re-connecting with your inner adolescent may spell personal growth.
24. You have always wanted to take a course to learn…?
25. No more settling for JUST lipstick or JUST mascara before heading out the door.
26. Tenure as room parent (when no one else signed up) is over.
27. Built-in help for household chores, especially clearing out the frig.
28. When you sleep in, you’re still up before the kids.
29. Fewer temper tantrums at Target.
30. You and your child survived the seventh grade.
31. Still a hero every time you bake chocolate chip cookies.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.