hello lovely child

Stay sane through the process.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
795 words

When it comes to college applications, I know firsthand how “getting in” can feel like a cruel test of mental and emotional stamina. How much editing help should parents give for the essay? Which extracurriculars appeal most to admissions officers? Which school provides the best fit?

Feeling Stressed and Alone

Probably the most challenging part of the college planning process has been feeling alone in the anxiety. Many fellow parents remain tight-lipped and competitive, so it was a relief to fine Getting In Without Freaking Out by Arlene Matthews.

A professional college consultant, Matthews says college bound students and their parents need to take a major chill pill. Her guide is full of practical tips for tackling college application angst, and if you have vocal chords, you WILL laugh.

The following are smart secrets to lower your blood pressure and increase your optimism from her guide and my personal experience. Think of it as free therapy!

SMART SECRET #1: College Admissions is TRENDY.

It used to be that kids who were bright and well-rounded were placed at the top of the application heap by admissions officers. The acronym BWRK was the rage just a few years ago. Then parents made the mistake of going too far pushing their kids into extracurriculars and community service, and BWRKs fell from favor. Turns out colleges now prize angular candidates who sport a sharply focused interest or talent.

Whether your child is well-rounded or angular, rest easy knowing the planet needs all shapes and sizes. Well-rounded types do well in a variety of fields from medicine to movie making, and angular types create great art and discover new technologies.

Instead of trying to package your teen based on current admission fads, you should cherish and celebrate their unique shape. Jay Mathews, an education reporter for The Washington Post, suggests stressed out parents repeat this mantra: “People succeed because of the quality of their character, not the notoriety of their college.”

SMART SECRET #2: It’s Who They Are, Not Where They Go.

Some very successful people attended some un-cool sounding colleges (A little guy named Ron Reagan went to Eureka College in Illinois and sort of did okay). Our society has become so competitive within the realm of parenting that many people believe where their kids attend college is reflective of the job they did raising them. Ever heard a version of this at a cocktail party? William wishes he could say yes to BOTH Stanford and Yale! Fabulousness just runs in the family!

We are all charmed by designer schools, but generic is underrated, and it is simply pointless to flip out about getting your kids into the “perfect” designer school since that school does not exist. Not even in the Ivy League!

Matthews, with great comic verve likens the Ivies or “trophy schools” to “trophy wives.” While the name of a trophy school may leap out on a graduate’s resume, like a trophy wife, it can also be both expensive and notorious for putting more energy into recruiting new prospects than its students.

Lloyd Thacker of The Education Conservancy, contends, “A commercialized point of view is what turns the admissions process into a game...There is very little evidence that correlates the status of a college with effective educational practice. Parents need to listen to the facts, not their friends at cocktail parties."

Matthews reminds that in the scheme of things, there is a point where college credentials cease to matter. When the college days are history, employers in the workplace want to know what you have accomplished and whether you will continue to deliver. You may not even be aware of what college your friends, co-workers, or employer attended. But you ARE cognizant of whether your friend has strong moral character or if your co-worker has a notable work ethic.

SMART SECRET #3: Late Bloomers Can Finish Strong.

If you have a late bloomer, you may feel concerned. Maybe your child is bright and multi-potentialed but has yet to discover his niche. Perhaps he has no published articles, patents, or a single hospital named in his honor. What is frustrating is sensing that colleges want to see greatness demonstrated now.

The reality is there are plenty of teenagers just getting warmed up. Deferred blooming may also have a silver lining. After all, peaking at eighteen may spell disappointment down the line. Matthews points out the deferred greatness of Cervantes who completed Don Quixote at age sixty-eight and Grandma Moses who began painting in her late seventies. History reminds us finishing strong is honorable.

Muddling through “getting in” requires stamina, maybe some chocolate, and a sense of humor. Let’s face it. Worrying won’t appease the admissions gods or increase anyone’s chances of acceptance. So arm yourself with reality-based facts instead.

M. Ranard has a husband, two teens, and a master’s in counseling. Her blogs are hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Matthews, Arlene. Getting In Without Freaking Out. Three Rivers Press. 2006.
Thacker, Lloyd. www.educationconservancy.org
Mathews, Jay. “Ten Ways to Reduce College Application Stress.” The Washington Post. July 3, 2007.

Why They Feel Overwhelmed & How to Help
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by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

As a mother and former preschool teacher, I understand stress. Every parent does. But it can be a real issue for kids too. It turns out the hormone our bodies release to deal with stressors—cortisol—is one way to measure and explore stress in children.

Adults cope with stress by learning to calm themselves, and three to six-year-olds need to learn coping too. Understanding some of the underlying structures of stress may help us better guide them.

Cortisol Levels at Home & Away
Why does cortisol matter? Cortisol controls our responses to stress and aids in digestion, the immune system, and energy usage. When we face challenges, cortisol levels spike and provide us with energy. It can suppress immunity when stress is chronic so we need stable levels to remain healthy.

Sarah Watamura of the Child Health & Development Lab at the University of Denver looked at cortisol and stress in toddlers and preschoolers. She found young kids were aware of stress within the family even if parents tried to hide it. Paying attention to a preschooler’s stress signals (crying after separation, exhaustion after day care, trouble sleeping, frequent illness) and reacting with support helps.

What stresses them out? Watamura discovered that even more than separation anxiety, it was their interaction with peers. Levels of cortisol often increased as they attempted to play with lots of other kids.

“At home, preschool-age children typically show a decreasing pattern of cortisol production across the day,” Watamura says. “At child care, many children show a rising pattern,” probably since they are more challenged there.

Nurturance At Home to Combat Stress

Science shows nurturance matters. The amount of nurturing rat pups receive from their mothers (licking and grooming in infancy) has lasting effects on the stress response over the life cycle. Laurie Miller Brotman and researchers at the NYU School of Medicine found in studies of parenting and children’s stress response that in fact, there is a cause-effect relationship.

They aimed to see whether intervention for preschoolers at risk for antisocial behavior could alter the kids’ biological response to a stressful social situation (playing with a group of unfamiliar peers). After the intervention, cortisol levels of preschoolers who were taught coping skills were found to be lower than for those without instruction.

Brotman says “The results provide further evidence that early intervention can have a profound effect on children.”

Stress at Home

Preschoolers are affected by the stress of family members. A new study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that almost 15 percent of preschoolers have atypically high levels of depression and anxiety. This five-year exploration of Sylvana M. Cote and fellow international researchers in Canada and France found that children with atypical levels were more likely to have mothers with a history of depression.

“We found that lifetime maternal depression was the second most important predictor of atypically high depressive and anxiety problems during preschool years,” says Cote. The researchers stress preventive interventions are needed to see a long-term impact on the well-being of kids at risk.

Tips to Help Stressed Out Preschoolers Cope

*Assure your child. If the stressor for your child is at home, Watamura says talk to your child about how you will be able to figure it out and that there’s no need for worry.

*Assess the connection. If your stressed child goes to day care or preschool, investigate to make sure your child’s teacher is bonding with her. Science shows that cortisol levels are more stable when there is a secure attachment.

*Ask around. Watamura suggests asking your care provider: “Does my child play well when she wants to play? How does she do when I leave? When are the roughest times of day?”

*Choices. Give your child appropriate ones i.e. let her pick a friend for a playdate.

*Offer a heads up. To prevent a meltdown, make sure she knows what to expect—she’ll be better able to adjust to circumstances which could trigger stress.

*Forget about creating CONSTANT nirvana. Watamura reminds that “Like adults, kids don’t always have to be happy” so you shouldn’t automatically try to “fix” things.

Michele Ranard has two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Cote, Sylvana M. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Feb 2009.

Watamura, Sarah, Ph.D. Director of the Child Health & Development Lab at the University of Denver. http://www.du.edu/psychology/child_health_and_development/

Laurie Miller Brotman, Ph.D. “Effects of a Psychosocial Family-Based Preventive Intervention on Cortisol Response to a Social Challenge in Preschoolers at High Risk for Antisocial Behavior.” Archives of General Psychiatry. Oct 2007.