hello lovely child

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed. -850 words

A few years ago, a bully in our neighborhood mistook my children for prey. Bullies are generally good at sizing up victims but my sons were a surprise. They weren’t willing to be smacked around on the playground, verbally assaulted on the bus, or belittled in the neighborhood. They spoke up, and it was necessary to get the school involved.

That bully’s social and physical cruelty was eventually exposed, and I wish I could tell you resolving it was a tidy affair. The reality is it can be an awkward messy road (complete with lies!) to bring deliberate, hurtful, repeated bullying behavior to an end.

Bullies Exposed

It’s important to talk to your kids about what constitutes bullying. Should they become a target, you want them to feel safe coming forward. When victims keep their torment a secret, they may feel shamed or turn their anger inward.

Fortunately, response training and bully-proofing can empower kids. Bully-proofing is bad news for bullies and can increase the likelihood children will not become a target.

The following dirty secrets (from the bully’s perspective!) reflect current literature and expert advice. They provide a framework to discuss bullying with children and will direct you to books and sites with more info.

Shhhhhhh!

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET #1: Unsupervised hangouts work to my advantage. As a bully, far corners of the playground, hallways, stairwells, restrooms, the back of the bus, and the mall are some of my favorite places to confront victims.

Antidote: Avoid a bully’s comfort zone.

Parenting expert and author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions (2009) Michele Borba recommends teaching your children specific places to avoid bullies and when they should leave the scene.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET #2:  I need you to become upset. When you react with emotion, I feel powerful.

Antidote: Don’t let her see you sweat.

In Bully-proofing Children (2006) Joanne Scaglione explains bullying gives “control and that feeling of power over their prey.”

Expert Izzy Kalman stresses kids should respond with a sense of humor and never let bullies see them upset. His book Bullies to Buddies (2005) is full of tips to recycle fear into courage, and he offers free downloadable advice here: www.bullies2buddies.com.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET #3:  If you appear confident, you probably won’t get picked on. I like my prey quiet, hanging their head, and looking nervous. Minimal eye contact and tongue-tied is cool too.

Antidote: Pay attention to posture.

Borba recommends teaching your child to be aware of strong body posture and how to deliver NO in a firm voice. It might seem odd at first to have your child rehearse “a stone faced glare,” but it’s a strategy she recommends.

Kalman is also passionate about targets using words. He says “freedom of speech is the ultimate solution--granting this to others and using it to prevent victimization.”

Barbara Coloroso in The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander urges parents to provide opportunities to develop a strong sense of self (and let’s face it, self-confidence can translate into more assertive posture they won’t have to fake!).

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET #4: Talking to a parent spoils everything. Keeping quiet is huge. If you spill, I’ll probably have to stop bullying. I tell you things will get miserable if you tell anyone, but the truth is they’ll become miserable for me.

Antidote: Don’t keep this secret.

If you notice a pattern of your daughter mentioning “she was mean…” it’s possible this is code for her being bullied. In Little Girls Can Be Mean (2010) Anthony and Lindert stress observing the social situation and connecting with your child as bully-proofing strategies.

Retrieving personal power is a tool in Jay McGraw’s no-nonsense approach to dealing with bullies in his book Life Strategies for Dealing With Bullies (2008). McGraw encourages targets of bullies to get adults involved and not go it alone.

Borba emphasizes “tell your child you’ll take it seriously” so she’ll confide in you. Your child needs to feel safe, but you should never mislead her into thinking you’ll keep the bullying a secret.

Parents should also speak up. Joanne Scaglione recommends that parents not be afraid to ask schools “what are the rules?” about their anti-bully policy.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET #5: Alone, you’re an easy target. Without at least one good friend, a group, or a seat by the bus driver, you’re making it too easy.

Antidote: Company is good, and if you’re struggling to make friends, do ask for help.

Coloroso indicates at least one good friend can be powerful and envisions bullies, the bullied, and the bystander as “three characters in a tragic play.” When victims rewrite the script and create new roles for themselves, the plot changes. This is bad news for bullies who will be forced to find another character or (hopefully) change their own. Parents play a critical role in helping their kids find opportunities for belonging whether it is sports, hobbies, or another interest. Coloroso recommends making sure kids know how to introduce themselves to a group and how to nurture strong healthy relationships.

For more great bully-proofing tips, visit Michele Borba’s blog at www.micheleborba.com.

Freelancer Michele Ranard has two sons, a master’s in counseling, and a heart for children. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Anthony, Michelle and Reyna Lindert. Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades. St. Martins Griffin, 2010

Borba, Michele. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. Jossey-Bass, 2009.
Blog: http://www.micheleborba.com/blog/2010/08/08/how-to-bully-proof-kids/

Coloroso, Barbara. The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander. Harper, 2009.

Kalman, Izzy. Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends. Wisdom Pages, 2005. www.bullies2buddies.com.

McGraw, Jay. Jay McGraw's Life Strategies for Dealing With Bullies. Aladdin, 2008.

Scaglione, Joanne and Arrica Rose Scaglione. Bully-proofing children: A Practical, Hands-on Guide to Stop Bullying. R&L Education, 2006.