*image, mighty to save
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
465 wds
It’s more than a tad embarrassing when I recall how I used to brag about my neatnick son’s spotless room. He was the shipshape child. The kid finger-pressing wrinkles out of little polo shirts and cargo pants. In fact, he lived for color-coding perfectly hanging apparel in his closet.
His bedroom pretty much passed every white glove test I never gave it. Shame on me—there I go with the bragging again.
Fast forward to this child’s twelfth birthday. It’s as if pod people snatched Boy Tidy and replaced him with Tweeny Slob-a-saurus. What? The messy tween train stops at your house too?
Why ‘House Beautiful’ May Not Be Calling
Turns out, many child development experts agree that although tweens may be clutter magnets, messy rooms for tweens and teens are normal—as in, developmentally appropriate and right on schedule. Not only does the changing brain chemistry of adolescents make organization more challenging, but tweens and teens exhibit a natural need to assert their autonomy as well.
Which means we shouldn't be too quick to dismiss the toxic wasteland known as their room as a sign of rebellion. The mess may reflect a healthy emerging independence. Our tweens are separating emotionally—and in terms of their personal messy space—physically as well.
But what about what those designers on HGTV who insist our interior spaces and decor symbolically mirror our inner selves? Perhaps this analysis does not apply to minors. Otherwise, my child is teetering somewhere between slightly disturbed and headed for a padded room (which you just know he’s going to litter with half empty cans of Mountain Dew).
The mounds of dirty laundry—the ground-in cheese puffs—the stench? Perhaps we can point to these and more adolescent unmentionables as evidence of growth, not instability. Of normal textbook maturation, not disturbance. (But sweet mother, the mess also shouts “KEEP THE HECK OUTTA HERE!” does it not?).
Why Tweens Seem Oblivious to Oblivion
Child development expert and author Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer says this about the pressures facing today’s tweens in Talking to Tweens (2005):
“We know that when we feel overwhelmed we tend to fall short of our own standards, lose our cool more often, and sometimes make any pressures worse, perversely, by ignoring them. Worries can interrupt our sleep, and tiredness increases our irritability and chips at confidence. Children are the same.”
So some tweens may tend to ignore piles or an out of control bedroom because their lives—wrought with academic pressures and over-scheduling—overwhelm them sufficiently. Hartley-Brewer suggests that since their bedrooms are their personal space, parents should make an effort to consistently allow tweens to relax in their space in their own way.
I think we all understand what that means, right? Strap on that surgical mask securely before entering their space.
Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.com.
Resources:
Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer. Talking to Tweens. De Capo, 2005.
10 Ways to Consciously Choose Happiness For You. For Your Kids
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed. 800 words
“Cultivating greater happiness not only benefits oneself, but also one’s family, community, and society at large.” (Dalai Lama)
Cultivating happiness drives us. We seek it, lose it, recover it and constantly monitor ourselves for it. Happiness is abstract but way beyond warm and fuzzy.
Remember when parents openly admitted ‘happy’ was all they wished for their kids? That was before our children were branded Generation Me, and many of us guiltily began to question the implications of our wish.
Here’s the thing. In vogue or not, we care deeply about our children’s happiness. And if history and science teach us anything it’s that we can’t sit around and wait for happiness to find us. We have to live with intention and model it.
Can Money Buy It?
Psychologist David Meyers called happiness “a deep abiding sense that all is well” in The Pursuit of Happiness (1993), and University of Illinois Professor Ed Diener, equates it with psychological wealth. In his book Happiness (2008) psychological wealth is explained as “your true net worth and includes your attitudes toward life, social support, spiritual development, material resources, health, and activities in which you engage.”
Diener studied happiness across cultures and found that money only predicts happiness sometimes. People in wealthy nations are happier than those in poor ones. In poor nations where basic needs are not met, money matters. However, money is NOT a predictor of happiness in wealthy societies like the U.S.
Author of The How of Happiness (2008) Sonja Lyubomirsky says materialism is a strong predictor of UNHAPPINESS because materialistic people become easily distracted from their close relationships, and possessions don’t bring long-term joy.
Who is Happy?
Happier people are more spiritual, have better health, and possess close social relationships. They are in happy marriages and claim religious faith.
A higher I.Q, better education, or sunny climate will not make you happier! Youth is not associated with increased happiness either. A report from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2000) revealed people in their early twenties reported significantly more sad days in the past month (3.4) than folks in their late and early seventies (2.3). Beauty, promotions, and wealth? Great stuff. But do not predict happiness.
Wait a sec. Circumstances do not increase happiness? Inheriting a beach house in Malibu or landing a million dollar book deal will make me very happy. I’m certain! How can science be accurate?
One explanation is hedonistic adaptation. Humans have evolved to quickly adapt to circumstances, and adaptation plays to our advantage when we adjust to negative change. But adaptation is also at work for positive life changes. So we’re elated for a time when we get married or get the keys to the beach house, but then it wears off. We adapt – no matter what.
This is why we must be intentional about the pursuit of happiness for ourselves and our children.
10 Ways to Choose Happy.
Sociologist Christine Carter reminds us in Raising Happines (2010) that “happy friends, neighbors, and siblings who live in close proximity to you (as adults) increase your odds of being happy.” Borrowing from the brilliant work of Carter, Seligman, and Lyumorbisky, here are ten additional tips for parents to consciously stir up more happiness in their families:
1. Get together with friends and laugh. It’s always the simple things, isn’t it? Carter says “A good guffaw—or even a little giggle—causes our heart rate and blood pressure to drop and our muscles to relax.”
2. Get in touch literally. It’s easy for family members to feel disconnected in this age of ‘connectivity.’ Massages and hugs from loved ones cause biochemical reactions that change us.
3. Make time for quiet time. Meditation is an antidote for stress and a way to train ourselves for happiness. Step over cynicism. You can’t afford to not make time. Keep a gratitude journal since science proves it effectively improves optimism.
4. Exercise regularly. Stop making excuses. If you have a heart in your chest, you need exercise.
5. Get out in nature. It clears the mind. It doesn’t involve shopping.
6. Be thankful and have an optimistic view of the future. There are blessings right under your nose. We are going to be okay. It’s not naïve to be hopeful. It’s powerful.
7. Be the first on the scene to help other people, even strangers. Imagine if we all begin to apply this! Man oh man, it’s going to be a happy planet.
8. Stay rooted in the present and savor life. It’s not a cold dead place. It’s alive and breathing with meaning right now.
9. Try Seligman’s 3 BLESSINGS exercise. Each day record three things that went well and why. It can have an amazing effect.
10. Be committed to deeply held, lifelong goals. Keep going. You’ll get there.
Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Carter, Christine. Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Ballantine, 2010.
Center for Disease Control & Prevention, www.cdc.gov
Diener, Ed. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell, 2008.
Lyubomirsky, Sonja. The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin, 2008.
Meyers, David G. The Pursuit of Happiness: Discovering the Pathway to Fulfillment, Well-Being and Enduring Personal Joy. Harper, 1993.
Seligman, Martin. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. Free Press, 2004.
