by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
790 wds
Eight-year-old Abby’s green eyes pool with tears when she is asked about her day at dinner. “Maddy made fun of my haircut in front of Blake!”
It’s difficult to hear about our child suffering a social setback when they’re very young. It’s even trickier to know how to respond to setbacks once they reach about third grade. Frequently, we’re tempted to step in and attempt to fix things, but after a certain age (unless it’s chronic bullying), this can be disempowering to the child.
In their book Little Girls Can Be Mean (2010) Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert identify four steps for dealing with bullying.
Step 1: Observe
They suggest parents watch how their child interact with friends on the playground or playdates in order to assess social skills. Look for changes in the child’s overall demeanor, facial expression, and word choice to form an impression of what is going on.
Step 2: Connect
“Connecting with your child regardless of her age and empowering her to make active, informed decisions will help you and her build the strongest possible foundation from which to tackle social issues for the next decade and beyond.” The authors suggest using active listening skills and responding with statements such as “it sounds like…”
Step 3: Guide
Work with your child to better understand the situation and allow them to see” numerous possible solutions to a seemingly impossible problem.” Guiding them involves: identifying the real issue, depersonalizing the situation, scaling the worry down or up to size, brainstorming a number of possibilities, and helping her understand the dynamics of her friendship group (her place within it, how she feels about that, and how best to respond to her new knowledge).
Step 4: Support to Act
The goal is to increase your child’s sense of personal power. Engage in a dialogue about the pros and cons of possible actions. “Most important in this step is that she chooses a solution (or two or three) that she can live with and feel comfortable about.”
More Supportive Strategies
Clinical psychologists Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore offer tips honoring the “whole-child” for parents in The Unwritten Rules of Friendship.
*Get a teacher’s opinion. Your child’s teacher may be able to shed light on teasing or exclusion. Teachers can often connect the dots and provide helpful information about your child’s social behavior. You may learn your non-stop talker at home is tight-lipped at school. It helps to have a teacher’s objectivity.
*Provide plenty of socializing practice. Your child needs opportunities to simply play with others—not just structured activities and lessons. To learn to get along well, they need practice. The psychologists recommend short play dates focusing on a planned activity (bowling, going out for ice cream) for those children who are struggling socially.
*Maintain optimism. Being left off a guest list or ridiculed can feel like the end of the world. Remember that most teasing incidents are isolated situations. Help kids gain back perspective by expressing with confidence things will work out. If your child is upset because “everyone hates me” it’s important to listen and empathize but also offer hope and focus on future success.
Skip the ‘Interview for Pain’
School consultant and psychologist Michael Thompson suggests in Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children that when speaking with your child about their day you should avoid questions interviewing them for pain. “Was anyone mean to you today?” sets the wrong tone since it causes them to search their memory for negativity to report.
Keep the focus limited to how they may successfully handle the situation. Thompson suggests asking the following questions to explore their ability to cope after a social setback.
What do you think you’ll do if this happens again?
How do other kids handle teasing by so-and-so? Can you do the same?
Have you ever played with so-and-so before? Did a friend comfort you after you were teased?
Explore Together What Friendship Means
It’s tough to relax and step aside when we see our kids hurting. The desire to pick up the phone immediately and contact the parents of children associated with a conflict can be strong. But it’s important to help your child stay focused on the big picture: kindness, respect, and true friendship.
In her book When Friendship Hurts, Dr. Jan Yager discusses the role of empathy in friendship. She says “the feeling of empathy for a friend…stems from a deep-rooted emotion toward that friend, but it also reflects a basic ability to listen to others and truly care about what they are going through.”
By modeling empathy for our children, we are teaching a meaningful lesson in love they may then pay forward in their social lives and friendships.
M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Her blog is at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Anthony, Michelle and Reyna Lindert. 2010. Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades. St. Martin’s Griffin.
Elman, Natalie Madorsky and Eileen Kennedy-Moore. 2003. The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends. Little Brown & Co.
Thompson, Michael. 2002. Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. Ballantine.
Yager, Jan. 2002. When Friendship Hurts. Fireside.
