6 Parenting Myths About Teens, Lying & Rebellion
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
715 wds
Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman deconstruct the science of teen rebellion and lying in an eye-opening chapter of their groundbreaking book NurtureShock. See if any of the following myths they deconstruct apply to you then get real with the current scientific evidence.
Myth #1: I know a lot of teenagers lie, but my kid doesn’t lie to me.
According to Bronson and Merryman's book, Nancy Darling of Penn State University studied high schoolers to learn more about what they hide from their parents. One of the most shocking discoveries in her study was the sheer number of teens who lie: 96%!
Does your child struggle in school? Is she gifted? Kids who lie don’t fall into one demographic—honor students, overscheduled kids—they all reported deception. Of 36 potential topics, the average teen lies to his parents about 12 of them.
Teens lie about what they spend allowance on, whether their homework is done, whether they are dating, the clothes they wear away from home, the movie they’re seeing, and who they’re spending time with. They also lie about drinking and drug use, what music they listen to, how they spend afternoons, whether a party is being supervised, and riding in a car driven by a drunk teen.
Myth #2: My teen loves me way too much to lie.
NurtureShock reveals teens reported telling an outright lie about 25% of the time, avoiding the topic another 25% of the time, and simply withholding relevant details about half the time.
Before her research, Darling writes she believed kids probably lied to avoid getting into trouble. So it was surprising to learn the most common reason for the teens’ deception was actually: “I’M TRYING TO PROTECT THE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY PARENTS; I DON’T WANT THEM TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN ME.” In their mind, loving you might mean protecting you—by lying.
Myth #3: My kids don’t have to lie; I’m cool and give plenty of freedom.
Darling as quoted in NurtureShock was surprised by the number of parents with anxiety about pushing their kids into rebellion. She indicates “Many parents today believe the best way to get teens to disclose is to be more permissive and not set outright rules.” However, being permissive does not open the door to learning more about a teen’s life! When parents lower the standard, teens interpret the lack of rules to mean parents don’t care and don’t want the job of being a parent. It definitely does not pay to be permissive.
Myth #4: I can’t imagine how my already rebellious tween will be in high school.
You may actually not have to worry. Current research in Bronson's book suggests teens objecting to their parents’ authority peaks at around age 14 to 15. What is shocking is that this need for autonomy is stronger at age 11 than at age 18. So if you’ve been thinking the high school years are the high risk years, think again.
Myth #5: I’m a super strict parent so my kids probably don’t lie.
“The parents who are the most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most warm and have the most conversations with their kids,” indicates Darling (in NurtureShock). Such parents set a few key rules (it’s too unrealistic and impossible to enforce twenty rules) and explain why the rules are in place.
These parents demonstrate flexibility. They extend freedom to their teen so he can make his own decisions. Instead of hiding 12 areas from their parents, kids of these types of parents might only be hiding as few as five. There is a spirit of collaboration which encourages the teen to not lie.
Myth #6: I have a great relationship with my teen since we hardly argue.
Even though most parents get stressed out by arguing with their teen, Bronson and Merryman note it appears that in families with the least amount of lying, there is a higher ratio of such arguing or complaining. Why? Teens don’t necessarily see arguing and fighting as harmful or destructive.
The authors suggest the flipside to arguing for many teens is lying! So a teen can either lie to the parent and then go do what they want behind the parent’s back, or argue—negotiate with the parent—and avoid lying. More than anything else, it seems to be how an argument gets resolved and whether a teen feels heard that is most important.
Michele Ranard is the parent of two teens. She is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Bronson, Po and Merryman, Ahsley. NurtureShock. Hachette, 2009.
