by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
700 wds
Some days are just plain easier to be an optimist than others. Lazy July afternoon when the house is clean, the kids are frolicking in the sun, and the only dilemma is what to serve for lunch? Crown me the optimism queen.
But dreary chilled weeknights when everyone needs help solving quadratic equations, there’s not a clean dish or smile in the place, and the evening news confirms it: the world is going to…well, Your Highness needs an attitude adjustment.
The Need to Change Our Minds
Psychologist Martin Seligman, pioneer of positive psychology and author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, writes “Pessimists tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault.” Pessimism is about feeling helpless and habitually believing misfortune is our fault.
Does this sound like you?
On the other hand, Seligman writes “Optimists believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its causes are confined to this one case.” Most importantly, he says pessimists can LEARN to be optimists by learning new thinking skills.
The reason it is so important to learn more optimism is not so we can delude ourselves and continue on in a dream world. Becoming a more optimistic thinker pays because “Our thoughts are not merely reactions to events; they change what ensues.” The implications for parenting our children are vast because “When we overestimate our helplessness, other forces will take control and shape our children’s future.”
1. Dwell on What is Going Right.
Re-focus. Instead of pondering the temporary unfortunate events of the day, re-orient your perspective to all that’s going right. Think of that wise quote “Happiness is not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have” and decide what it means for you. Reflect on the specialness and value of your children and family in the scheme of things.
48 hours ‘til impact. Want to try something powerful and HUGE? We all go through periods of distress where we obsess and get stuck in commiserating. Try this: if you ARE going to obsess negatively over something, give yourself a limit of just 48 hours. Two days to rant, vent with safe friends, and resolve the matter within yourself. Then let it go. No more obsessing about that issue allowed. It’s gone because you are learning to become an optimist.
2. Be a Friend to Yourself.
It’s okay to be kind to you. Make sure you are regularly doing nice things for yourself and taking breaks to ease the daily grind. For me, these breaks occasionally involve chocolate. For you it may be a trip to the spa, a lunch with the girls, or a simple manicure. Your physical and emotional health will influence your level of optimism and how you cope. When your coping skills are strong, you will be a better model for your kids so such kindness to yourself really will benefit them!
3. See the Big Picture.
Try this exercise. It’s so important to not get bogged down in the trivial and lose hope. Try this exercise: imagine everything you cherish most—your children, family, pets, home, photos, belongings—are suddenly stripped away in a single moment. It’s all gone. You are completely alone. Feel this emptiness and loss down to your bones. Let yourself sense the absence of security, love, and laughter. Allow the feeling of barrenness to pierce you and penetrate your heart for a few moments. Then imagine that in one stroke, every single one of your treasures is returned to you—absolutely all of it resumes its place unharmed. And all this is yours this very moment. Bask in the glow of your riches.
4. Connect With Optimists.
Surround yourself with optimistic company. Life is hard. Relationships and parenting are tough. But sharing with positive thinking friends and family lightens the load. Make plenty of connections with optimistic caring people who make you laugh and see the glass as half full. Better yet, seek others who see it overflowing! Be lifted by their encouragement and hope, then pay it forward in your parenting. Glow with optimism and watch not just your thoughts, but the events of your life improve.
M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Seligman, Martin. Learned Optimism.Vintage, 2006
