hello lovely child

Facing what it means to parent a teen.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
800 wds

Raising teens while navigating the uncharted territory of midlife can be challenging for any parent. It’s confusing. Experts warn of the dangers of too permissive parenting or being their friend (“You’re an authority, not their bud!”). Yet there are plenty of moments it feels perfectly natural to be friendly—to laugh, shop, share music, and learn new things together.

Richard Weissbourd, in The Parents We Mean to Be (Mariner, 2010), explains how the issues associated with our own developmental stage can interact negatively with the issues of our adolescent’s. He writes:

“One reason that relationships between adults and teenagers can become so toxic is that adults can be caught up in the intense self-concerns of a midlife crisis at exactly the same time that their children are caught up in the intense self-concerns of adolescence.”

Changing Our Mindset

If we truly value the moral and emotional development of our teens, we cannot resign ourselves to simply “survive” this chapter raising young adults. We must be sensitive, educated, and more intentional about mentoring. About savoring what is redeeming in this season of the parent-teen relationship.

The relationship is a constantly developing one, and Weissbourd reminds “It’s vital to see ourselves not as static role models but as imperfect human beings, continually developing, in our dynamic relationships with our children, our own moral and mentoring capacities.”

As a counselor and parent who is aware of my imperfections and those of my teens, I think there are intentional ways we may improve the quality of our connections with them.

It’s the Most Important Job on the Planet. Let’s Be Intentional!

Weissbourd describes intentional parenting as “reaching for our better selves,” and I love this idea that the goal is to be reflective rather than reactive. Reflective would be the opposite of automatic responding, or getting lazy, or becoming nostalgic about how good things used to be.

Hopefully these positive reflections will soothe and fill you with hope as you continually make conscious efforts to increase the quality of interaction and learning at home with your teens.

1. Childhood was conquered.

This is no small matter. It wasn’t always rosy—recall chronic tonsillitis, family dinners they could not cut their own pork chop, or demonic temper tantrums thrown in a grocery cart? I bet you both faced and managed much greater stressors than those little snags. Bravo. You both made it.

2. More personal time can be a blessing.

No longer requiring constant supervision (well, sort of), teens are not under your feet so you may have more time now for personal interests. You may be freed up to explore what makes your heart sing, or to devote more time to church, a career, or your spouse.

The pressure to rush home to the sitter or carve out “mommy and daddy time” has passed and is possibly a welcome change. Traveling or entertaining at home? Suddenly in the realm of possibility.

3. The potential for meaningful discussions is there.

As young adults, the ongoing dialogue about morality, faith, ethics, and character has life altering potential. They may call on you for guidance or spiritual dilemmas, and engaging them in such conversations (with compassion and openness) can have soul lifting consequences.

4. Their identity crisis makes you accountable.

As they form opinions and make discoveries about themselves, you are probably under more scrutiny. This can be beneficial for both of you if you acknowledge you too are changing and improving throughout adulthood.

Weissbourd says “Parents may learn to deal with their selfish qualities or defects because they see the damage they cause to their children, or because they see these qualities reflected in their children’s qualities or actions.”

5. Household help helps.

Strong arms around capable of operating a vacuum, the microwave, or the washing machine is a welcome change. It’s good for them to help. Even if you have to nag, sending them out to pick up a pizza is a perk. And it’s easy to forget that just a short time ago you had to drag them with you on those boring errands.

6. A world of sweet things to enjoy now that they’re older.

Whether it’s a sitcom you both find hilarious, a sports team, cars, a book series, or pilates—don’t forget such activities were not options when they were younger. You likely yielded to their child-related interests and developmental needs of the time. Now new options await you.

Listen to Your Heart

Pay attention only to media often skilled at scaring you to death about teens, and you may be horrified or convinced you are raising Generation Slut, Generation Me, or the Lost Generation. But our children are counting on us to see them with loving eyes as they are: full of potential, worthy, and cherished.

We just have to be sensitive enough to notice. So notice.

Michele Ranard has two fabulous teenagers, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Mariner, 2010.

Be intentional in your efforts to connect right now.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
940 words

Connecting as a family should be simpler than ever. But somehow our hectic lives and work schedules trip us up. Some of us go days without a hug. Days! We must make time for more nurturance.

We Have a Wii—But We Need a ‘We’

Clinician Michael Ungar discusses the need for our children to feel noticed and loved in order to embrace “we” instead of simply “me” in The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids (De Capo, 2009).

Ungar says parents often attempt to connect through expensive material things, by becoming too permissive, or even by overprotecting. But the key to connection is to offer opportunities for compassion because “Give a child a chance to connect, and she will.” To connect, we need to nurture.

Compassion, Happiness, and Connection

Psychologist Richard Weissbourd, author of The Parents We Mean to Be (Mariner, 2010) warns we frequently miss opportunities to connect and teach valuable moral lessons to our kids.

“Too many of us are raising children first and foremost to be happy and we are failing at that project—rather than instilling in them what the novelist William Faulkner thought we as a species needed to prevail: ‘a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.’”

Happiness is great, but what we think will bring more happiness turns out NOT to. We MEAN to nurture compassionate, morally responsible kids, but our culture points us to make more money, be more educated, and even live in a sunnier climate. In fact, as positive psychology researcher, Martin Seligman reveals in Authentic Happiness (Free Press, 2004), those things don’t matter much at all when it comes to happiness.

Weissbourd believes we are capable of raising “…children who grow to be alert to signs of distress in other people, who feel responsibility for those from other classes or races or backgrounds, who feel propelled to give to the world in some way.”


The following are an expression of nurturing themes weaved through my professional and personal experience and from books referenced above.

1. Laugh ‘til your cheeks ache.

The latest research supports that laughter can decrease stress hormones and boost the immune system! As Daniel Pink points out in A Whole New Mind (Riverhead, 2005) “laughter is a social activity—and the evidence is vast that people who have regular, satisfying connections to other people are healthier and happier.” Tell jokes, watch comedy, and most importantly, model a good sense of humor yourself.

2. Play for your health.

Backyard football or Monopoly at the dining room table may register as old fashioned “just in the movies” scenarios reserved for “other” families, but they aren’t. Get outside. Touch each other. Fall in the mud. Laugh out loud. It’s not time spent being “unproductive.” It is life.

3. Bring the spiritual home.

Whether you attend religious services or not, be intentional about discussing and modeling the values of your faith. It is quite easy to get caught up in the realm of the physical world so it takes conscious effort on your part to provide balance.

4. Frequently provide a stage.

Habitually ask your child what they think they do well and then have them demonstrate. For my son, it has always thrilled him to show off his ability to effortlessly walk on his hands. What is it for your child? Writing cursive? Pouring juice without help? They love showing you new skills and strengths. Your glowing response makes them feel ten feet tall.

5. Leave work behind.

Easier said than done. Take as many family vacations as your employment allows. The opportunities which will spring from time away from the grind relaxing with your children are pure GOLD and will add up to memories for a lifetime. No one at the end of their life wishes they had just taken less vacation.

6. Eat three.

Set a new rule about family meals together: everybody is expected at the dinner table at least three times a week. While it may not always be realistic to squeeze in three dinners, think about Saturday breakfasts, Sunday brunches, or Wednesday late night cookies and milk. At our house, we have Italian Friday Nights where we are often joined by a few of our children’s friends.

7. Time Always Matters.

Give them your time. So often we underestimate how much our kids want to spend moments with us. Iit’s important to carve out family time even if you get the message their friends have passed you up on the influence scale.

8. Listen to highs and lows.

Implement this easy best/worst exercise into every meal-time conversation. Ask your child to identify their best and worst daily moments. (Don’t use this time to lecture if their ‘worst’ happens to be failing an exam.) Open your heart and connect with the feelings they express. Share their joy! Cry with them over defeat. If you haven’t tried this, you may be surprised at how much you’ll learn about your kids’ inner lives.

9. Create a “We.”

Rally your children to help with a project. Whether it is helping an elderly neighbor with gardening, painting the family room, volunteering at church, or organizing the garage, join forces and see that the fruits of your labor extend way beyond an afternoon of hard work.

10. You don’t have to be a great writer to write great love notes.

Words are powerful and sometimes easier expressed on paper. Fill the page with dreamy thoughts, your wishes and hopes, and what makes them awesome. Leave the note on their pillow, and know it will touch them deeply whether they mention it or not.

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping families live more emotionally healthy lives. She has two children, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Pink, Daniel H. A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future. Riverhead, 2005.

Seligman, Martin. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. Free Press, 2004.

Ungar, Michael. The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. De Capo, 2009.

Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Mariner, 2010.

Without Letting Them Down
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
770 words

BING-BING-BING! Ever feel like you richochet violently like a pinball—being your child’s friend AND boss? We love our kids. Thoroughly saturated in their busy lives, sometimes we hover. We fret. We juggle it all with the best intentions for their happiness.

Our culture is more devoted to children’s happiness and emotional development than any other in history. We’re invested in their hopes and dreams—and deeply involved.

But how much involvement is healthy?

When It’s Mom & Dad with Separation Anxiety

Harvard psychologist Richard Weissbourd argues that despite good intentions, parents may unwittingly set the stage for children to develop into self-involved adults who lack moral character.

In his new book The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development (2009) he explains why parents struggle.

Weissbourd reminds us that for kids to separate, parents must separate first. Such separation is tricky if parents idealize their kids. Parenting can be narcissistic and self-centered. What constitutes helpful and harmful closeness to kids is often unclear.

The author explains, “While we need to continue to assert high moral expectations, we also need to recede to the edge of our children’s consciousness—even to endure temporarily feeling like nobody, being “invisible” to our child—while we enable a child’s peers and other adults to influence our children’s self-definitions and to become the focus of their lives.”

But receding to the edge of their lives is easier said than done! Ask anyone with an adolescent under the roof. It hurts. It can be ego-crushing. It can feel downright unnatural. Yet Weissbourd argues it is critical to cultivate emotional and moral maturity in those we love.

How Close is Too Close?

Weissbourd believes for healthy moral development to occur, children must idealize their parents. That means seeing them as authority figures with wisdom and experience they have not yet achieved. There are several ways parents unknowingly hinder moral development.

*Friend Wannabes. Getting caught up in the idea of being a child’s “friend” mixes up the idealization process. Fun and relaxation is fine, but kids need their parents to be different. When children view parents as equals with the same arsenal of emotional coping skills as themselves, the world may seem too frightening a place. Viewing you as separate, capable, and strong imparts confidence they will one day possess to tackle the world.

*Too Fragile. Parents may also unintentionally mess up the idealization process by displaying too much vulnerability or failure to cope. When kids feel they need to take care of us instead of the other way around, maturation may not occur. Setting emotional boundaries is not withdrawing love or concealing truth; rather it protects their developing sense of morality.

*Hovering Helicopters. We are a generation who understand this pitfall well. If we are constantly micromanaging kids, they cannot feel we trust them, that we have confidence in them. Children cannot respect parents who are consistently serving and catering to them.

Becoming Better Nurturers

How do we parent more intentionally so children progress in emotionally healthy ways and grow stronger in moral character?

*Recognize moral development continues through adulthood. Frequently parents view themselves as unchanging role models rather than flawed humans who are transforming through a dynamic relationship with their children. “Appreciating and being generous with others, acting with fairness and integrity, and formulating mature and resilient ideals are a life’s work.”

*Connect with other parents. Parents in touch with other parents can monitor and guide one another’s children. Parenting is insanely tough enough without having to go it alone!

*Prioritize moral development. When we become too invested in the happiness of our children—their achievement, their self-esteem, their comfort—we may unknowingly underestimate the value of their moral lives. What makes a person morally virtuous anyway? Weissbourd paints a portrait of someone who is moved by kindness, generosity, and integrity. They know and value others and are capable of loving on a deep level.

In his book The Parents We Mean to Be, the author maintains we are entirely capable of raising children who “Search for and follow their higher natures, and engage in vibrant, caring relationships with family and friends…who grow to be alert to signs of distress in other people, who feel responsibility for those from other classes or races or backgrounds, who feel propelled to give to the world in some way.”

As parents, following our higher nature involves letting them go. When we do it correctly—when we achieve closeness in helpful not harmful ways with our children—there is bound to be heartache. But character building yields immeasurably rich rewards.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor/tutor/freelancer with a passion for enriching the parenting journey. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well-Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Houghton Mifflin. 2009