by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
640 words
“Too many of us are raising children first and foremost to be happy and we are failing at that project—rather than instilling in them what the novelist William Faulkner thought we as a species needed to prevail: ‘a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.’”
(Richard Weissbourd in The Parents We Mean to Be)
In our busyness, as parents we often miss opportunities for teaching valuable moral lessons to our children. Conscious effort to teach kids compassion, for example, strengthens our connection to them and sets them up for future happiness.
Happiness, Connection, and Compassion
Recent happiness research has some surprising implications for parenting. It turns out that what we think will actually bring more happiness, doesn’t. As parents, we mean to nurture compassionate, morally responsible kids, but we live in a culture pressuring us to make more money, be more educated, and even live in a sunnier climate. As positive psychologist Martin Seligman acknowledges in Authentic Happiness (2004), the research reveals those things aren’t associated with increased happiness.
The happiest among us are in good marriages, have faith, and have strong social connections. Many experts stress the key to strong connections with our children involves providing them with opportunities for compassion.
Psychologist Richard Weissbourd believes we are capable of raising “…children who grow to be alert to signs of distress in other people, who feel responsibility for those from other classes or races or backgrounds, who feel propelled to give to the world in some way.”
The following ideas for planting seeds of compassion will also strengthen emotional connections and nurture social development.
1. Play For Better Emotional Health.
Backyard football or Monopoly may not automatically spring to mind when you think “better emotional health” but they should. Get outside together. Touch each other. Fall in the mud. Laugh out loud. It’s not time spent being “unproductive,” it is nurturing behavior.
2. Make Yours a Spiritual Home.
Whether you attend religious services or not, be intentional about discussing and modeling the values of your faith. It is quite easy to get caught up in the realm of the physical world so it takes conscious effort on your part to provide balance.
3. Set a Stage for Success.
Habitually ask your child what they think they do well and have them demonstrate. For my son, it has always thrilled him to show off his ability to effortlessly walk on his hands. What is it for your child? Writing cursive? Pouring juice without help? They love showing you new skills and strengths. Your glowing response makes them feel ten feet tall.
4. Your Time Matters.
Give them your time. We sometimes underestimate how much our kids want to spend moments with us. They’re not going to come out and say “I’d like more time with you” because they are not always aware of what they need. Just know your time matters.
5. Laugh Together.
The latest research supports that laughter can decrease stress hormones and boost the immune system! As Daniel Pink points out in A Whole New Mind (2005) “laughter is a social activity—and the evidence is vast that people who have regular, satisfying connections to other people are healthier and happier.” Tell jokes, watch comedy, and most importantly, model a good sense of humor yourself.
6. Create “We” Moments.
Clinician Michael Ungar discusses the need for our children to feel noticed and loved in order to embrace “we” instead of simply “me” in The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids (2009).
Rally your children to help with a project. It can be a community service project painting a school, helping an elderly neighbor with housework, serving meals to the homeless, or volunteering at church. The compassion which your kids will develop from such activities is priceless and will influence their futures.
Michele Ranard has two children, a master’s in counseling, and blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Pink, Daniel H. 2005. A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future. Riverhead.
Seligman, Martin. 2004. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. Free Press.
Ungar, Michael. 2009. The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. De Capo.
Weissbourd, Richard. 2010. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Mariner.
