hello lovely child

Ideas to connect beyond possessions, sports, and texting.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
790 words

Your tween or teen may be busier than ever with school, sports, and socializing. So as parents we have to be on our game and intentional about connecting with them. (And by connecting, I don’t mean leaving a comment on that photo they posted on FaceBook.)

I remember reading a quote from Robert Downey Jr. years ago when his child turned 13. His statement went something like “My job is now to service my teen.” I thought maybe he was kidding, and if he WAS serious, it was a beyond pathetic attitude.

Then I had tweens and teens.

It IS easy to feel that as our kids navigate adolescence, we are here to simply service them (as a chauffeur, cheerleader, and bank account). But parenting is about nurturing them in simple ways.

These suggestions offer reminders of easy efforts to strengthen bonds at home.

1. Make sure their friends feel welcome. This is one of the best ways to see more of your kids. Sometimes the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

2. See a movie together. Take turns choosing the film which will give you an opportunity to share your favorite movies or actors they may otherwise never see.

3. Let them help you cook. Trying a new recipe is a great way to bond, even if your culinary attempts are a disaster. My own kids love to help bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, they linger much longer than if we were just making waffles. It is hard to be cranky when the whole house smells like heavenly fresh bread, and baking skills are a wonderful investment for the future.

4. Reminisce about old times. Tweens and teens love to hear about funny things they said and did when they were little. The stories never get old and often trigger more stories and memories you may have forgotten. Laugh it up!

5. Get hooked on one TV show. Everyone in our house is home on Wednesday nights to watch our family favorite on TV. As a bonus, the show always hits on some spiritual themes we discuss openly. We even took a family vacation to the location where our show is filmed.

6. Eat together. This can be nearly impossible as everyone heads in different directions for lessons and sports, but it is important to carve out time. It doesn’t have to be dinner. If everyone is available for a long leisurely Saturday morning breakfast, go for it. Let them take turns choosing the restaurant, and do insist they unplug.

7. Show them your work. Sometimes we forget that it’s okay and even beneficial for our children to see our other roles. It makes my children feel more grown up when my husband and I bring them into conversations about our careers. I’m not suggesting you bore them to tears with technical language that alienates but share a little to expose them to the world of work and you.

8. Watch their favorite youTubes. My kids have introduced me to some of the most hilarious videos only kids their age could discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

9. Ask about their high and low. Since adolescents are notorious for grunting and mono-syllabic responses, regularly ask them to report on their high (the best thing that happened during the day) and their low (the worst). It is as healthy for them to reflect on these experiences as it is for you to be aware of them.

10. Create special memories between holidays. Do not wait for a holiday or birthday to create special moments. Light candles and play fun music on a Tuesday night when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something special on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant would. Surprise them on a weeknight by announcing you’re all going bowling. Treat them to a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

11. Write a love note. It can be difficult to find the right moment to express what is on your heart, but teens need to know how much you cherish them. Take the time to write how thankful you are for them and leave it on their pillow. They may never mention it, but it will matter.

12. Be brave and take a road trip. Sometimes the best way to re-connect is by putting some miles between your family and where the daily grind happens. Even if it is a day trip, find ways to make the commute more pleasant and set ground rules i.e. no arguing or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Intentional ways parents can connect.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
650 words

It’s ironic. In an age where connecting with each other is simpler than ever (think Facebook, tweets, Blackberries and skype), hectic work schedules, school, and activities mean it’s easier than ever to become disconnected with each other.

In a great book written by clinician and research professor Michael Ungar called The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids, he discusses the great need for our children to feel noticed and loved in order to embrace “we” instead of simply “me.”

Ungar says it is unfortunate that sometimes parents attempt to connect with their children via expensive toys, or becoming too permissive, or even overprotecting them. But the key to connection is to offer opportunities compassion because as Ungar says, “Give a child a chance to connect, and she will.”

The following tips to help strengthen your family connection come from ideas weaved throughout Ungar’s book, professional experience, and what has worked for my family.

1. Give them a stage to show off. Habitually ask your child what they think they do well and then have them demonstrate. For my son, it always thrilled him to show us his ability to walk on his hands. Writing a word in cursive? Pouring juice into a glass? They love showing you what they’ve learned and how strong they’ve grown. Your glowing response will make them feel ten feet tall and cherished!

2. Leave work behind. This is challenging for all of us, but take as much family vacation as work allows. The opportunities which will spring from time away from the grind relaxing with your children are GOLD and add up to memories for a lifetime. No one at the end of their life wishes they had just taken less vacation.

3. Eat three together. Set a new rule about family meals together: everybody at the dinner table at least three times a week. It’s not always realistic to squeeze in three weeknight dinners, so think about Saturday breakfasts, Sunday brunches, or Wednesday late night cookies and milk. At our house, we have Italian Friday Nights where we are often joined by a few of their friends. Have you seen the recent research results about all the emotionally healthy benefits of eating together? Prioritize it. It’s a simple gesture that packs a profound punch.

4. Time out. Give them your time. So often we underestimate how much our kids want to spend moments with us together. If you have teen children, you know exactly what I’m taking about. It’s important to carve out family time as often as possible even if you get the message their friends have passed you up on the influence scale.

5. Hear their highs and lows. Implement this best/worst exercise into every meal-time conversation. It’s easy. Ask your child to identify their best and worst daily moments. Don’t use this time to lecture if their ‘worst’ happens to be failing an exam. Instead, open your heart and connect with the feelings they are expressing. Share their joy! Cry with them over disappointments. If you haven’t tried this, you may be surprised at how much you’ll learn about your kids’ inner lives.

6. Form a team. Rally your children to help with a project. Whether it is helping an elderly neighbor with gardening, painting the family room, volunteering at church, or organizing the garage, join forces and see that the fruits of your labor extend way beyond an afternoon of hard work.

7. Write love notes. Words are powerful and are sometimes easier expressed on paper. Fill the page with what you appreciate, your wishes and hopes, and how your children are so full of potential. Leave the note on their pillow, and know it will touch them deeply whether they mention the note or not.

Connecting with your children is important not just for strengthening your family bond but for helping them develop empathy and a healthier outlook.

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping families live healthier lives. She is a mom to teenagers, and a freelancer with blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Ungar, Michael. The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. De Capo, 2009.

Simple things you'll treasure forever.
620 words
by Michele Ranard

Life is precious and full of wonder, but it moves fast. With so much distraction day to day, sometimes we need a reminder to slow down. Here are some heartfelt ideas for savoring the beauty of your momhood, their childhood, and the special bond you share.

1. On a dreary morning, don’t get dressed. Spread a quilt over your bed, and invite your crew to pile on for a long leisurely breakfast. Don’t answer the phone. Read something magical or your favorite story from childhood. If they are able, let them read that story to you.

2.  Enjoy a long lovely soak in the tub with your infant. Memorize those irresistible creases and the luxurious softness of your baby’s skin. So much of parenthood is unglamorous, and this is an intimate memory to lock up in your heart and return to when that precious soul begins sassing you as a tween.

3. Request an impromptu fashion show. So many creative variations: towels only, toilet paper, pantyhose…My own children favored a “London-France” show for the catwalk. They layered on every pair of underwear in the household until they could barely waddle. Then they tied on a blanket cape and donned one last pair of undies as a hat. It never failed to make this mom’s cheeks ache.

4. Write a love note to your child. Make sure to date it and place the note on their pillow. Even if they have reached an age where it borders on “uncool,” they will drift off to sleep knowing they are cherished. Later, steal back the note to safely store in a box.

5. Sacrifice your tastefully decorated living room and build the ultimate fort utilizing every blanket in the house. When complete, head inside to play “Don’t Break the Ice” and “Candy Land” a dozen times or more. They never tire of the classic games, and you are their favorite player. Remember the day will arrive when your kids will be too busy for you.

6. If you have teens or tweens, order pizza and watch their favorite comedy or youTubes, even if it’s not your cup of tea. Don’t forget there was a time you thought Pretty in Pink should win the Oscar. They will appreciate the gesture because they know it’s a little painful, and you may even be rewarded with joyful expressions and laughter.

7. In your planner, pencil in a “celebrity photo shoot” every two months. Have your spouse or friend take a picture of just you and your child and then change places. Go outside if possible to capture the season. You will have a wonderful treasury of smiles as you both grow up, and no mom on the planet has ever felt she took too many photos.

8. Whip up an indulgent snack together. Allow them to help make a decadently rich cookie dough from scratch, but forget the eggs and the baking. Eat the dough as dip for apple wedges and pretzels or mix into ice cream. While everyone gets sticky and gooey devouring it, document the smiles on film.

9. Let your child have a blast styling your hair. Supply them with colorful clips, rollers, bobby pins, and scrunchies. When your makeover is complete, go to the mirror and rave you look fabulous. Pretend you love it and say you plan to wear it this way forever. Now let them apply the makeup.

10. On an evening you are not beyond exhausted, sneak into your child’s room and watch them as they dream. Take in the beauty of those delicate eyelashes and precious tiny fingers. Whisper a prayer of gratitude and ask for protection from all harm. Blow a quiet kiss to the one who holds your heart.

Michele Ranard has been savoring momhood for more than 19 wonderful years. She has a husband, two sons, and a master's in counseling. She blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Your child is still in there & needs connection
700 words
by Michele Ranard

If you have an adolescent, you already know how they can become too busy for you! It is more important than ever to be intentional about connecting. Maybe you feel as if all you do is service your tween or teen and watch them disappear (with the contents of your wallet) to join friends. While friendships are important, adolescents need their families, and these ideas may help to strengthen your bond.

1. Make their friends feel welcome. This is one of the best ways to see more of your teens. Sometimes the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

2. See a movie together. Take turns choosing the film which will give you an opportunity to share your favorite movies or actors they may otherwise never see.

3. Let them help you cook. Trying a new recipe is a great way to bond, even if your culinary attempts are a disaster. My own kids love to help bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, they linger much longer than if we were just making waffles. It is hard to be cranky when the whole house smells like heavenly fresh bread, and baking skills are a wonderful investment for the future.

4. Reminisce about old times. Teens love to hear about funny things they said and did when they were little. The stories never get old and often trigger more stories and memories you may have forgotten. Laugh it up!

5. Get hooked on one TV show. Everyone in our house is home on Wednesday nights to watch our family’s favorite on TV. We even took a family vacation to the location where our show is filmed in hopes of a celebrity brush or two.

6. Eat together. This can be nearly impossible as the kids head in different directions for lessons and sports, but it is important to carve out time. It doesn’t have to be dinner. If everyone is available for a long leisurely Saturday morning breakfast, go for it. Let them take turns choosing the restaurant when you go out, and insist they unplug.

7. Shop with them. It will be impossible for you not to learn a ton about your teen as you hit their favorite stores. Ask about the bands they like and any new trends at school. My younger teen still struggles with being seen with me at the mall so I don’t take it personally when he doesn’t want to stand too close as we browse.

8. Watch their favorite youTubes. My kids have introduced me to some of the most hilarious videos that only kids their age could discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

9. Ask about their high and low. Since teens are notorious for grunting and mono-syllabic responses, regularly ask them to report on their high (the best thing that happened during the day) and their low (the worst). It is as healthy for them to reflect on these experiences as it is for you to be aware of them.

10. Create special memories between holidays. Do not wait for a holiday or birthday to create special moments. Light candles and play fun music on a Tuesday night when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something special on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant would. Surprise them on a weeknight by announcing you’re all going bowling. Take them out for a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

11. Write a love note. It can be difficult to find the right moment to express what is on your heart, but teens need to know how much you cherish them. Take the time to write how thankful you are for them and leave it on their pillow. They may never mention it, but it will matter.

12. Be brave and take a road trip. Sometimes the best way to re-connect is by putting some miles between your family and where the daily grind happens. Even if it is a day trip, find ways to make the commute more pleasant and set ground rules i.e. no arguing or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.