hello lovely child

Ideas to connect beyond possessions, sports, and texting.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
790 words

Your tween or teen may be busier than ever with school, sports, and socializing. So as parents we have to be on our game and intentional about connecting with them. (And by connecting, I don’t mean leaving a comment on that photo they posted on FaceBook.)

I remember reading a quote from Robert Downey Jr. years ago when his child turned 13. His statement went something like “My job is now to service my teen.” I thought maybe he was kidding, and if he WAS serious, it was a beyond pathetic attitude.

Then I had tweens and teens.

It IS easy to feel that as our kids navigate adolescence, we are here to simply service them (as a chauffeur, cheerleader, and bank account). But parenting is about nurturing them in simple ways.

These suggestions offer reminders of easy efforts to strengthen bonds at home.

1. Make sure their friends feel welcome. This is one of the best ways to see more of your kids. Sometimes the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

2. See a movie together. Take turns choosing the film which will give you an opportunity to share your favorite movies or actors they may otherwise never see.

3. Let them help you cook. Trying a new recipe is a great way to bond, even if your culinary attempts are a disaster. My own kids love to help bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, they linger much longer than if we were just making waffles. It is hard to be cranky when the whole house smells like heavenly fresh bread, and baking skills are a wonderful investment for the future.

4. Reminisce about old times. Tweens and teens love to hear about funny things they said and did when they were little. The stories never get old and often trigger more stories and memories you may have forgotten. Laugh it up!

5. Get hooked on one TV show. Everyone in our house is home on Wednesday nights to watch our family favorite on TV. As a bonus, the show always hits on some spiritual themes we discuss openly. We even took a family vacation to the location where our show is filmed.

6. Eat together. This can be nearly impossible as everyone heads in different directions for lessons and sports, but it is important to carve out time. It doesn’t have to be dinner. If everyone is available for a long leisurely Saturday morning breakfast, go for it. Let them take turns choosing the restaurant, and do insist they unplug.

7. Show them your work. Sometimes we forget that it’s okay and even beneficial for our children to see our other roles. It makes my children feel more grown up when my husband and I bring them into conversations about our careers. I’m not suggesting you bore them to tears with technical language that alienates but share a little to expose them to the world of work and you.

8. Watch their favorite youTubes. My kids have introduced me to some of the most hilarious videos only kids their age could discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

9. Ask about their high and low. Since adolescents are notorious for grunting and mono-syllabic responses, regularly ask them to report on their high (the best thing that happened during the day) and their low (the worst). It is as healthy for them to reflect on these experiences as it is for you to be aware of them.

10. Create special memories between holidays. Do not wait for a holiday or birthday to create special moments. Light candles and play fun music on a Tuesday night when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something special on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant would. Surprise them on a weeknight by announcing you’re all going bowling. Treat them to a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

11. Write a love note. It can be difficult to find the right moment to express what is on your heart, but teens need to know how much you cherish them. Take the time to write how thankful you are for them and leave it on their pillow. They may never mention it, but it will matter.

12. Be brave and take a road trip. Sometimes the best way to re-connect is by putting some miles between your family and where the daily grind happens. Even if it is a day trip, find ways to make the commute more pleasant and set ground rules i.e. no arguing or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Vacation this summer with confidence!
830 words
by Michele Ranard

Most of us have taken a family summer trip only to return home in dire need of a vacation! The stress of fuel costs, construction on the highways, delayed flights, and airport security is enough to keep us all apprehensive about travel this summer. But summer vacation is a great time to visit relatives and friends or escape it all to reconnect with loved ones somewhere sunny and quiet.

Eileen Ogintz, creator of the travel site TakingTheKids.com, says “The chance to share something new together—something you’d never see or do at home—is what makes those indelible family vacation memories that last forever.” So how do we vacation and stay sane?

Planning Your Trip1. Get everyone psyched! Kids love to be involved in the trip planning process. It is easy to find small tasks such as searching online for things to do in the towns you’ll be visiting or even choosing the DVDS and books they’ll take along.

2. Outline what kids can expect. To keep them feeling secure, and especially if they’re flying for the first time, explain the details. Talk about how the airport may be crowded and the way security checks work. If your younger child has never flown, consider sharing a picture book like Airport by Byron Barton.

3. Pack smarter. Ogintz's travel site has great tips for smarter packing:

• Reach for a scarf instead of an additional outfit
• Lay out everything you’d like to take then choose half of those pieces
• Pack only shirts matching more than one thing
• Consider going completely “carry on” to avoid fees
• Use space bags, “Pack-it Cubes,” or Ziploc plastic bags
• Don’t pack clothes they hate
• Pack a change of clothes in a carry-on for in-flight accidents
• Remember laundry can be done in a hotel sink

In The Air
4. Fly smarter. Ogintz says be sure to read the fine print on your airline’s website before heading out the door since they all have different fees and rules. Don’t forget to pack crayons and little games to entertain them as well as a DVD player if you have one. If you’ll be traveling with a car seat, bring it on the plane so your child will be safer and more comfortable.
5. Stay sane on the plane. More realistic tips from Paula Shelton, creator of FlyingWithKids.com may also keep your anxiety in check while in the air with kids:
*Pack lipstick and a compact mirror. If you’re having a bad time, take two minutes to apply lipstick and give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.
*Take advantage of fast track security checks if you’re traveling with an infant.
*Be prepared to lose stuff, and don’t freak out when you do.
*Treat any time to relax as a bonus
*Keep smiling at your kids.
*Ignore rude people. Only you can know the right way to handle your child.

On the Road
6. Before you hit it. Eileen Ogintz says get the car checked out before you leave to avoid flats, and since automobile crashes are the leading killer of kids, make sure your children have the proper restraints for their age and size. Kids weighing between 40 and 80 pounds should use a booster seat, and this will reduce the risk of serious injury by 59 percent. Make sure your phone is charged, and plan to leave at a time you won’t hit morning or rush hour traffic. Depart when you are well rested and perhaps when the kids will sleep most of the way.

7. Consider a rental. Renting a more fuel efficient vehicle and driving to your destination is often more economical than flying and then renting a car. Ogintz also recommends http://www.fuelcostcalculator.com/ for calculating the cost of an upcoming road trip and says many hotels and resort offer gas rebates.

8. Keep ‘em comfy. Bring DVDs, treats, books, and toys to entertain them. Books on tape are great, and kids can be encouraged to “unplug” for periods of time so you can talk. If you laminate maps ahead of time, Ogintz says older kids can help navigate.

More Peaceful Stays
9. Take your time. Whether you fly or drive, upon arrival, plan to chill for awhile so kids can adjust. If your vacation activities keep you active, consider eating dinner early to save on wait times and to prevent exhausted kid melt-downs in the restaurant. Have plenty of healthy snacks (Cheerios, string cheese, bananas) and water on hand for your hungry kids who may not like the food where you dine.

10. Don’t try to save the world. It’s always tempting to over-schedule with so many exciting things for the family to do and see while away. Instead, together decide on one big outing each day so that the kids don’t become over-stimulated and sleep deprived. Your vacation should include plenty of downtime where everyone is together restfully and peacefully.

Michele Ranard is always up for a road trip! She is a professional counselor, tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
 Resources:
Ogintz, Eileen. www.TakingTheKids.com

Shelton, Paula. www.FlyingWithKids.com

Ditch these common discipline traps

1500 words
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

If Houdini was the “Handcuff King,” in terms of disciplining my kids, I may be the “Handcuff Queen.” It is so easy to feel trapped and even bound when it comes to discipline. Our best attempts at helping our children learn self-control reveal we are often ourselves in short supply. It’s tricky not to yell, bribe, or cave. Houdini relied on magic as an escapologist extraordinaire, but parents require straight talk and perseverance. These eight familiar traps and escapes may help.

1. Mr. and Mrs. Loud

The trap: Yelling to get your kids attention.

Let’s face it. When you’re yelling, you’re not in control of yourself. According to a study in The Journal of Marriage and Family (2003), 88% of the parents interviewed admitted to screaming at their kids. I’m guessing the remaining 12% surveyed were feeling arrogant.

The Houdini: When your blood pressure goes up, volume should come down.

If you are not in the same room, move physically closer to your child. State your demands with a firm, business-type tone. All parents know screaming is ineffective. Psychologist and author of Raising a Thinking Child, Myrna Shure reports yelling pulls anger from them, and “children can become immune to being yelled at and start to tune it out” (which is why his room remains trashed even after shouting the command to clean it seven times). Shouting is an automatic response, but Dr. Shure says take a problem solving approach instead, i.e. if the conflict is picking up toys, you can ask how they think their disobedient behavior makes you feel and what they can DO to change that.

2. Measurement Junkies

The trap: Frequently sizing up your kids.

It can be hurtful to voice your disappointment and frustration. When you constantly label your child, i.e. “You’re the laziest kid I’ve ever seen!” you set them up for counterproductive behavior in the future. It is unfair to compare them to siblings, friends, or cousins. Perhaps you feel justified in praising “You’re the smartest!” but it could backfire. Kids who hear these messages over and over and then confront challenge can become depressed or confused. They may avoid trying new things for fear of failure.

The Houdini: Stop labeling and comparing.

Stop saying things that could leave them feeling “less than” since they will believe you, and it causes damage. They hear everything you say, and they’re changed by it. If you have to vent, do it far away from their ears. It is tempting to dwell on the negative when a child is going through a rough patch, but everyone goes through these! Frequently what seems like a deficit or weakness is a developmental lag which time and maturity may heal.

3. Friend Zone Wannabes

The trap: Failing to see they need you to be the parent not their bud.

It’s easy and even natural to want to be a friend to our children. But friends don’t tell their friends to brush their teeth, wear a jacket, work on the book report, and get off the phone. This is parent territory and what they truly need. Similarly, your kids probably will not tell their friends “I hate you” or “You are the worst parent on the planet.”

The Houdini: Be brave and turn up the manipulation radar.

Recognize your own needs for acceptance and approval may get in the way of disciplining your kids. Children need to be guided and given plenty of boundaries and rules. Overcompensating, giving in, and allowing them to cross those boundaries will not help them make good choices.

4. ‘Rents Who Won’t Get Real

The trap: Placing unrealistic expectations on “under construction” children.

Maybe your toddler refuses to share his Legos with a visiting playmate who has no trouble sharing. You may feel frustrated and as if you’re getting nowhere, but your kids are under construction. Be mindful of whether you are simply expecting too much of your developing child.

The Houdini: Wake up.

You’re not raising a genius or a saint? Welcome to the planet Earth. Kids often do not reach milestones WHEN we think they should. They just need more time. Understanding child development is helpful, but understanding your child’s unique disposition is key. To set them up for success, you need to recognize cues they are not ready for a developmental achievement, whether it is sharing toys or sleeping away from home. If you constantly go head to head with your child on the same issue, it is likely they are not yet equipped to move forward.

5. Empty Threat Masters

The trap: Making wild promises you’ll never keep.

You can be fairly sure you’re a master if your 6-year old has a hand full of sand and a sly grin on his face as you threaten for the 25th time “we will all have to leave the beach immediately if you let it fly ONE MORE TIME in your little sister's eyes.” If you’re making idle threats, your smart kids have already figured out you’re a fraud, and they probably won’t alter their behavior. Essentially, you are teaching a dangerous disconnect: it’s okay to say one thing and do another.

The Houdini: Make your expectations clear beforehand.

Be ardent about how you want your kids to behave BEFORE they step foot on the beach, or a friend’s house, or the department store. This helps avoid the constant responding to bad behavior by getting more proactive initially. When they blow it, and you have to dole out punishment, make sure the consequence is reasonable and will be carried out. Don’t threaten “I’m going to leave you alone on this beach if you don’t straighten up.” Also, keep your expectations realistic if you’re placing kids in situations they will be unduly bored or challenged.

6. Bribers of a Bratty Brood

The trap: Motivating your kids to behave with food, toys, or money.

You can easily become a slave to your kids this way, and it throws out a choice which should not even be offered. Whenever you say “if you….I will give you…” you are entering the danger zone. You are buying their compliance, and it may not be for sale in the next given circumstance. Bribing is different than rewarding your children for good behavior.

The Houdini: Just say no to bribes.

When your child displays good behavior, give rewards and praise their efforts afterward. Promising to give stickers, candy, or cash is not a disciplinary pattern you want to create.

7. Overkill Word Factories

The trap: Thinking the more sentences you string together will pull compliance.“Dental hygiene is so so so very very important, honey. When we take care of our little teeth, the toothbugs can’t attack ‘em and we won’t have to go to Mr. Dentist who scares you and has the drill thing that’s so very very loud.” It is not wise to turn simple daily routine activities and rules into lengthy monologues where kids are given the opportunity to negotiate themselves out of good behavior. It’s not necessary, and it slows everyone down (plus it annoys everyone around you).

The Houdini: Keep your eyes on the prize and zip it.

You want your kids to form good habits so expect them to obey without excessive communication. “Brush ‘em good” is all they need to hear, and you should be consistent. There is also the danger of your own anxiety triggering a flood of verbosity as you talk to your kids. When your daughter is nervous before her violin recital, you may also feel butterflies and become carried away in your pre-performance pep talk. “It’s super super scary getting up in front of ALL those people who are going to be staring at you and expecting you to play your best…” You may introduce new anxieties! Check yourself before your wreck yourself, and keep it brief.

8. Lazybutt Listeners

The trap: Poor listening.

If your kids aren’t listening, it may be in part due to your inability to hear them. If you do all the talking and shut down when they talk, you are modeling poor listening skills. Your kids may learn these skills and suffer socially.

The Houdini: Talk less. Talk a lot less.

Mark Brady, Ph.D. is a developmental social neuroscientist and author of A Little Book of Listening Skills. He writes “Learning to stop talking so much and to listen is a powerful step in loving ourselves and other people. In a world full of talkers, a skillful listener shines like the Hope Diamond.” Listening is one of the simplest, but most powerful ways to show love to our children. It is a skill at which we can all improve, and it starts with the simple idea of shutting up.

Pastoral counseling professor David Augsberger indicates “Being listened to is so close to being loved, that most people don’t know the difference.” We can all benefit in our relationships by keeping that wise thought in the forefront of our minds as we strive to more effectively discipline our kids.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.


Resources:

Journal of Marriage & Family statistic: Adults and Children Against Violence organization. http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html

Shure, Myrna. Raising a Thinking Child. Pocket. 1996.

Brady, Mark. A Little Book of Listening Skills. Paideia. 2005.

Augsberger, David. Quote found on Dr. Brady’s website, www.committedparent.com

Make the days with your children count
by Michele Ranard

1. Take as many luxurious bubble baths with your infant that you can possibly squeeze into your schedule. Memorize the luxurious softness and gorgeous scent of your baby’s skin. So much of motherhood is unromantic, and this can be a truly intimate time for you to lock up in your memory and return to when that infant is driving you crazy as a teen.

2. On a bitterly cold weekday, take a mommy-mental-health-improvement-connect- with-your-loved-ones morning. Stay in your pajamas. Spread a quilt over your bed, and let everyone pile on for a long leisurely breakfast. Don’t answer the phone. Read something magical or your favorite story from childhood. Then, if they are able, ask them to read that story to you.

3. Write a love note to your child during the day. Include the date, and place the note on their pillow. Even if they have reached an age where this borders on cheesy, they will love the thought and drift off to sleep feeling cherished. Tuck the notes away safely in a box.

4. When you or your child has a particularly terrible day, whip up an indulgent snack together. Let them help you make decadently rich cookie dough from scratch, but leave out the eggs and the baking. Eat the dough as dip for apple wedges and pretzels or mix it into ice cream. Allow them to get sticky and gooey while devouring it, and document it all on film.

5. Keep a diary or journal. When your child melts you with something precious like Mommy I just bless-you’d and da juice cames ride outta ma nose, you’ll be ready to record it. When you feel absolutely frazzled, write exactly what you’re feeling, caps, exclamation marks, drama and all. Don’t hold back. You may find you’ll instantly feel better after writing, and you can return to the entry on a calm day when you’re up for a good laugh.

6. Ask your kids and their friends to put on an impromptu fashion show. There are endless variations – towels only, toilet paper, pantyhose…My own sons invented their own “London-France” show for the catwalk. They layered on every pair of underwear from their drawers until they could only waddle, tied on a blanket cape, and donned one last pair of undies as a hat. It never failed to make my cheeks ache.

7. Sacrifice your tastefully decorated family room for a day and let the kids build the ultimate fort with every blanket and sheet in the house. When complete, head inside and play “Don’t Break the Ice” (my kids’ personal favorite) and “Chutes and Ladders” a thousand times or more. They never tire of the classic games, and you are their favorite player. The day will arrive when your children will be too busy for you.

8. In your planner, pencil in an entry every two months that reads “celebrity photo shoot.” Have your spouse or friend take a picture of just you and your child, and then switch places. Go outside if at all possible to capture the season. You will have a wonderful treasury of smiles as you both grow up, and no mom on the planet has ever said she took too many photos.

9. Let your child have a blast styling your hair. Supply them with colorful clips, rollers, bobby pins, whatever is on hand. When your makeover is done, go to the mirror and rave you look fabulous. Pretend that you love it and say you plan to wear it this way forever. Now let them apply the makeup.

10. If you have teens or tweens, sit down with them and a pizza and watch their favorite funny dvd, no matter how lame. Remember there was a time you thought Pretty in Pink should win the Oscar. They will appreciate the gesture because they know it’s a little painful for you, and though the activity may seem mindless, you might be rewarded with joyful expressions and laughter.

11. When they have reached an age where it is safe, partake in one of my family's traditions. Place your infant in the large oval roasting pan usually dusted off only for the Thanksgiving turkey. Place baby in roaster and give him a gentle but thrilling ride of a lifetime across the kitchen floor. Have your camera ready to preserve his joy for future generations.

12. On an evening you are not beyond exhausted, sneak into your child’s room and watch them as they dream. Let yourself fall in love with delicate eyelashes and precious tiny fingers all over again. Say a silent prayer of gratitude and ask for protection from all harm. Blow a quiet kiss to the one who holds your heart.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.