hello lovely child

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
800 words

“Cultivating greater happiness not only benefits oneself, but also one’s family, community, and society at large.” (Dalai Lama)

Cultivating happiness drives us. We seek it, lose it, recover it and constantly monitor ourselves for it. Happiness is abstract but way beyond warm and fuzzy.

Remember when parents openly admitted ‘happy’ was all they wished for their kids? That was before our children were branded Generation Me, and many of us guiltily began to question the implications of our wish.

Here’s the thing. In vogue or not, we care deeply about our children’s happiness. And if history and science teach us anything it’s that we can’t sit around and wait for happiness to find us. We have to live with intention and model it.

Can Money Buy It?

Psychologist David Meyers called happiness “a deep abiding sense that all is well” in The Pursuit of Happiness (1993), and University of Illinois Professor Ed Diener, equates it with psychological wealth. In his book Happiness (2008) psychological wealth is explained as “your true net worth and includes your attitudes toward life, social support, spiritual development, material resources, health, and activities in which you engage.”

Diener studied happiness across cultures and found that money only predicts happiness sometimes. People in wealthy nations are happier than those in poor ones. In poor nations where basic needs are not met, money matters. However, money is NOT a predictor of happiness in wealthy societies like the U.S.

Author of The How of Happiness (2008) Sonja Lyubomirsky says materialism is a strong predictor of UNHAPPINESS because materialistic people become easily distracted from their close relationships, and possessions don’t bring long-term joy.

Who is Happy?

Happier people are more spiritual, have better health, and possess close social relationships. They are in happy marriages and claim religious faith.

A higher I.Q, better education, or sunny climate will not make you happier! Youth is not associated with increased happiness either. A report from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (2000) revealed people in their early twenties reported significantly more sad days in the past month (3.4) than folks in their late and early seventies (2.3). Beauty, promotions, and wealth? Great stuff. But do not predict happiness.

Wait a sec. Circumstances do not increase happiness? Inheriting a beach house in Malibu or landing a million dollar book deal will make me very happy. I’m certain! How can science be accurate?

One explanation is hedonistic adaptation. Humans have evolved to quickly adapt to circumstances, and adaptation plays to our advantage when we adjust to negative change. But adaptation is also at work for positive life changes. So we’re elated for a time when we get married or get the keys to the beach house, but then it wears off. We adapt – no matter what.

This is why we must be intentional about the pursuit of happiness for ourselves and our children.

10 Ways to Choose Happy.

Sociologist Christine Carter reminds us in Raising Happines (2010) that “happy friends, neighbors, and siblings who live in close proximity to you (as adults) increase your odds of being happy.” Borrowing from the brilliant work of Carter, Seligman, and Lyumorbisky, here are ten additional tips for parents to consciously stir up more happiness in their families:

1. Get together with friends and laugh. It’s always the simple things, isn’t it? Carter says “A good guffaw—or even a little giggle—causes our heart rate and blood pressure to drop and our muscles to relax.”

2. Get in touch literally. It’s easy for family members to feel disconnected in this age of ‘connectivity.’ Massages and hugs from loved ones cause biochemical reactions that change us.

3. Make time for quiet time. Meditation is an antidote for stress and a way to train ourselves for happiness. Step over cynicism. You can’t afford to not make time. Keep a gratitude journal since science proves it effectively improves optimism.

4. Exercise regularly. Stop making excuses. If you have a heart in your chest, you need exercise.

5. Get out in nature. It clears the mind. It doesn’t involve shopping.

6. Be thankful and have an optimistic view of the future. There are blessings right under your nose. We are going to be okay. It’s not naïve to be hopeful. It’s powerful.

7. Be the first on the scene to help other people, even strangers. Imagine if we all begin to apply this! Man oh man, it’s going to be a happy planet.

8. Stay rooted in the present and savor life. It’s not a cold dead place. It’s alive and breathing with meaning right now.

9. Try Seligman’s 3 BLESSINGS exercise. Each day record three things that went well and why. It can have an amazing effect.

10. Be committed to deeply held, lifelong goals. Keep going. You’ll get there.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Carter, Christine. Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Ballantine, 2010.

Center for Disease Control & Prevention, www.cdc.gov

Diener, Ed. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell, 2008.

Lyubomirsky, Sonja. The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin, 2008.

Meyers, David G. The Pursuit of Happiness: Discovering the Pathway to Fulfillment, Well-Being and Enduring Personal Joy. Harper, 1993.

Seligman, Martin. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. Free Press, 2004.

Be intentional in your efforts to connect right now.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
940 words

Connecting as a family should be simpler than ever. But somehow our hectic lives and work schedules trip us up. Some of us go days without a hug. Days! We must make time for more nurturance.

We Have a Wii—But We Need a ‘We’

Clinician Michael Ungar discusses the need for our children to feel noticed and loved in order to embrace “we” instead of simply “me” in The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids (De Capo, 2009).

Ungar says parents often attempt to connect through expensive material things, by becoming too permissive, or even by overprotecting. But the key to connection is to offer opportunities for compassion because “Give a child a chance to connect, and she will.” To connect, we need to nurture.

Compassion, Happiness, and Connection

Psychologist Richard Weissbourd, author of The Parents We Mean to Be (Mariner, 2010) warns we frequently miss opportunities to connect and teach valuable moral lessons to our kids.

“Too many of us are raising children first and foremost to be happy and we are failing at that project—rather than instilling in them what the novelist William Faulkner thought we as a species needed to prevail: ‘a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.’”

Happiness is great, but what we think will bring more happiness turns out NOT to. We MEAN to nurture compassionate, morally responsible kids, but our culture points us to make more money, be more educated, and even live in a sunnier climate. In fact, as positive psychology researcher, Martin Seligman reveals in Authentic Happiness (Free Press, 2004), those things don’t matter much at all when it comes to happiness.

Weissbourd believes we are capable of raising “…children who grow to be alert to signs of distress in other people, who feel responsibility for those from other classes or races or backgrounds, who feel propelled to give to the world in some way.”


The following are an expression of nurturing themes weaved through my professional and personal experience and from books referenced above.

1. Laugh ‘til your cheeks ache.

The latest research supports that laughter can decrease stress hormones and boost the immune system! As Daniel Pink points out in A Whole New Mind (Riverhead, 2005) “laughter is a social activity—and the evidence is vast that people who have regular, satisfying connections to other people are healthier and happier.” Tell jokes, watch comedy, and most importantly, model a good sense of humor yourself.

2. Play for your health.

Backyard football or Monopoly at the dining room table may register as old fashioned “just in the movies” scenarios reserved for “other” families, but they aren’t. Get outside. Touch each other. Fall in the mud. Laugh out loud. It’s not time spent being “unproductive.” It is life.

3. Bring the spiritual home.

Whether you attend religious services or not, be intentional about discussing and modeling the values of your faith. It is quite easy to get caught up in the realm of the physical world so it takes conscious effort on your part to provide balance.

4. Frequently provide a stage.

Habitually ask your child what they think they do well and then have them demonstrate. For my son, it has always thrilled him to show off his ability to effortlessly walk on his hands. What is it for your child? Writing cursive? Pouring juice without help? They love showing you new skills and strengths. Your glowing response makes them feel ten feet tall.

5. Leave work behind.

Easier said than done. Take as many family vacations as your employment allows. The opportunities which will spring from time away from the grind relaxing with your children are pure GOLD and will add up to memories for a lifetime. No one at the end of their life wishes they had just taken less vacation.

6. Eat three.

Set a new rule about family meals together: everybody is expected at the dinner table at least three times a week. While it may not always be realistic to squeeze in three dinners, think about Saturday breakfasts, Sunday brunches, or Wednesday late night cookies and milk. At our house, we have Italian Friday Nights where we are often joined by a few of our children’s friends.

7. Time Always Matters.

Give them your time. So often we underestimate how much our kids want to spend moments with us. Iit’s important to carve out family time even if you get the message their friends have passed you up on the influence scale.

8. Listen to highs and lows.

Implement this easy best/worst exercise into every meal-time conversation. Ask your child to identify their best and worst daily moments. (Don’t use this time to lecture if their ‘worst’ happens to be failing an exam.) Open your heart and connect with the feelings they express. Share their joy! Cry with them over defeat. If you haven’t tried this, you may be surprised at how much you’ll learn about your kids’ inner lives.

9. Create a “We.”

Rally your children to help with a project. Whether it is helping an elderly neighbor with gardening, painting the family room, volunteering at church, or organizing the garage, join forces and see that the fruits of your labor extend way beyond an afternoon of hard work.

10. You don’t have to be a great writer to write great love notes.

Words are powerful and sometimes easier expressed on paper. Fill the page with dreamy thoughts, your wishes and hopes, and what makes them awesome. Leave the note on their pillow, and know it will touch them deeply whether they mention it or not.

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping families live more emotionally healthy lives. She has two children, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Pink, Daniel H. A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future. Riverhead, 2005.

Seligman, Martin. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment. Free Press, 2004.

Ungar, Michael. The We Generation: Raising Socially Responsible Kids. De Capo, 2009.

Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Mariner, 2010.