Helping Kids Learn the Art of Apology

by M. Ranard
750 words

I’m a broken record lately with my middle-school-aged son, John. No matter what dramatic social dilemma he happens to recount after school, I hear myself respond “If you had just apologized, you could have saved yourself some grief.”

His English teacher unduly scolds him for omitting the date on his assignment. A heated scuffle follows an accidental tripping of an uncoordinated bully in gym class. A kitchen death match ensues with his older brother who discovered his Aqua Man shirt was worn without permission.

As a professional counselor, I understand well how unresolved conflict can fester, and how a simple apology can restore relationships. However, it seems impossible for my son to utter three simple words: I am sorry. The very idea of this kind of submission causes John to break out in hives – not surprising, considering the invisible armor he piles on to stay safe within the halls of middle school. So how do we help our children appreciate the importance of apologies?

The Art of the Apology
Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., and Gary Chapman, Ph.D., stress that apologies are important, because without them, our anger builds and pushes us to demand justice. In their book, The Five Languages of Apology, they propose that genuine forgiveness “removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time.”

The conscience, these psychologists say, is like a five gallon container strapped to your back. Each time you wrong someone, a gallon liquid is poured into the container. The weight of even a few gallons quickly grows uncomfortable. The great news is that the container can be emptied through apology.

This imagery is straightforward enough for kids, so I am anxious to share it with Jake who may especially relate right now. He just returned from a camping trip in the Boundary Waters where the last two-mile hike out of the forest was uphill carrying a 60-lb. back pack.

Thomas and Chapman suggest five steps to offering a genuine apology:

Give voice to your regret: “I am sorry.”
Accept Responsibility: “I was wrong.”
Make restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
Express repentance: “I’ll try not to do that again.”
Request forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”

When I string together the first letter of each step, the acronym GAMER emerges. Now this is an identity my x-Box crazed son embraces! I think I will tack this list to the kitchen wall to remind us all of the importance of a true “I’m sorry.” These simple words may be difficult to say, but they can heal a rift, lighten the load, and make every day more joyful.

Michele has a husband, two children, and a master's in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.