How to Chat Like a Teen.

by Michele Ranard
590 words

Until recently, I must admit my textual self-esteem was rather inflated. My life is largely about words. I had always felt very Puff Chatty if you will, about my fingertip communication skills.

Not anymore.

My teen sons informed me recently that I am textually challenged, coming across as a "neurotic robot." It's confusing. I've noticed their texts to me often include redundancy and excessive laughter ("hahahahaha…um, yeah, that is hilarious.") as well as creative spelling/capitalization ("hee hee suuuuuuure, MoOoom, souNDs gROovy"). I thought I was being efficient and respectful of their time with my staccato "HA" or "K." But they tell me it is the mark of the socially-impaired who in real conversation utter the singular "HA" hence, it's awkward for texts.

I should know better than to listen to these two emo texters. Clearly they don't always have my best interests at heart. (Years ago I twisted my ankle at home and fell to the ground yelping and writhing in pain while one son studied me as if he smelled butt and the other screamed I WANT MY SANDWICH!) But I'm paranoid now about my textual dysfunction so suddenly I listen more attentively to other cool teens, delve into Twitterature, and seek out sources of cooler netspeak.

The first thing I noticed about current teen slang: everything that was formerly dope is now THE SH*T. If you have teens under the roof, you're well aware. That new band from Michigan, pink ribbon booby bracelets from Hot Topic, the awesome-fo-shawsome A.P. Chem teacher, and the way our shih tzu entertains herself for an hour chasing a balloon? All THE SH*T. Better Texting Note #1: This textual revolution must begin with THE SH*T.

Also, the best things in life are SICK. Chicken Alfredo pizza? Uh-huh. Skinny straight denim restricting circulation to the crotchal zone? Soooooo sick. YouTubes of the "Go Bwaah" variety featuring a small child launching a ball for a massive canine to fetch but forgetting to drop its leash? Epic sick. Better Texting Note #2: Texts to recipients under age 25 should incorporate youTube references and "sick."

Next I visited teenchatdecoder.com to familiarize myself with acronyms beyond OMG and NVM (never mind) which my perimenopausal fuzzy midlife brain so often struggles to decipher. Some of my new favorites include STBY (sucks to be you), SCNR (sorry could not resist), and HAHA (having a hard attack), HAHA seems risky at my age though since cardiac arrest could be for realz. I don't want my sons shooting back the inevitable WE text (whatever) if I'm code blue-ing.

(The thought just occurred that I never bothered to check who is running that decoding website. What if there are a bunch of smart aleck hackers having a good laugh at the helm and no one in their right mind actually uses these acronyms? Better Texting Note #3: Be prepared for the occasional "wha?" initially.)

Finally I skimmed urbandictionary.com where I picked up more gnarly gems sure to spice up my messages. Ever heard of a FACEBOOK BUDDHA (a FB friend who frequently posts motivational sayings)? I'm thinkin': "Don't wanna go all FB Buddha, but remember what Ghandi said about…?" could be genius. And who knew there's new slang for "the cocoon of duvets and pillows you gather around yourself to keep warm whilst spending large amounts of time on the internet?" It's an INTERNEST! But the most critical text Puff Chatty will be beaming them: "ur not RIDIN' QWERTY, rite?" (texting while driving).

And she best not get a reply.

Michele Ranard has sick blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and  hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com, two teens who never ride qwerty, and a master’s in counseling. Her guilty pleasure? Spending hours surfing the net in a billowy internest!