hello lovely child

Is sleep apnea robbing your child's rest?
480 words
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

The night my husband fell asleep in our preschooler’s bed proved to be life altering. Awakened repeatedly by the volume of his snoring, it was more horrifying to note the lapses of fifteen seconds of complete silence. Ultimately we were compelled to videotape the labored nighttime breathing for the pediatrician.

Silence is NOT Golden
Referred to an otolaryngologist, we learned enlarged tonsils and adenoids caused our son’s obstructive sleep apnea (OSA). This is a common but serious health problem occurring during sleep when the soft tissue at the back of the throat is most relaxed. Continuous loud snoring, mouth breathing, and periods of silence when the airway is blocked are symptoms.

It is easy to become accustomed to your child’s snoring and not automatically recognize the seriousness of OSA. Tell-tale clues parents can watch for include trouble awakening in the morning, a need for excessive napping, bedwetting, failure to thrive, and problems with focusing. Children may feel extra sleepy in the morning, experience attention or behavioral problems, and gain or lose weight. Sleep deprived kids may struggle with settling down to sleep or concentrating and in some cases be misdiagnosed with ADHD as a recent study from the Journal of the Academy of Pediatrics purports.

Dr. Dennis Rosen, a pediatric sleep specialist at Children’s Hospital Boston observes the ADHD/OSA connection frequently in his practice. He reports in his blog that frequently “behavioral symptoms are dramatically improved, if not completely resolved after their nighttime breathing difficulties are definitively treated.”

Treatment for obstructive sleep apnea often involves surgical removal of the tonsils and adenoids and remedies the disturbance for ninety percent of children. In our son’s case, the improvement in air flow post-op was swift and dramatic. Not only did he sleep more peacefully, his general health improved significantly and his growth took off. Our healthier, happier four year-old rested so much better, the quality of sleep for everyone in the family was enhanced.

When You Snooze, You Win!*Kids who get lots of rest may gain less weight. A recent study conducted at Johns Hopkins University on sleep and obesity found that children who slept less than ten hours per night had a twenty-five percent chance of becoming overweight by age six. As time for sleep decreases, apparently the secretion of hormones stimulating appetite increases.

*Kids need more sleep! Doctors recommend eleven to thirteen hours of sleep for preschoolers, but a 2004 study by the National Sleep Foundation reported that most are sleeping less than ten and a half hours. Teenagers ideally need nine hours, and a University of Kentucky study found that students getting less than six hours per night earned lower grades and were at higher risk for depression and anxiety.

*Follow these steps for more heavenly sleep patterns:
S-Stick with a regular bedtime.
T-Turn off the TV.
E-Eliminate caffeine and online activity before bed
P-Prioritize sleep as highly as you do homework.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic counselor, and a freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.Resources
General info on OSA: http://www.mayoclinic.org/pediatric-sleep-apnea/

ADHD study: Chervin, Ron. Journal of American Academy of Pediatrics. April 2006.

Rosen, Dennis: http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/sleeping-angels/200903/obstructive-sleep-apnea-and-adhd-in-kids

Obesity Study: Chen, Beydoun & Wang. “Is Sleep Duration Associated with Childhood Obesity? A Systematic Review and Met-analysis.” Obesity the journal of the Obesity Society. February 2008.

National Sleep Foundation study: http://www.kintera.org/atf/cf/%7BF6BF2668-A1B4-4FE8-8D1A-A5D39340D9CB%7D/2004SleepPollFinalReport.pdf

University of Kentucky study: http://www.uky.edu/PR/News/Archives/2000/JUNE2000/teensleep.htm

Are less teens hooking up?
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

The most recent National Youth Risk Behavior survey reported that more than half of all high school students (52.2%) have not had sex. That number of virgins is significantly up from 1991, when the survey reported only 45.9% had not engaged in sex. I shared these statistics with suburban basketball mom Jade Swenson who has two teenagers, and her response was “Yeah, I doubt it.” She is not the only skeptic.

If the data are accurate, why the pervasive myth that teens are more sexually active than ever? Are adolescent orgies really lurking around every corner?

*One possible cause for doubt is that teenage pregnancy rates are up. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, teen pregnancy increased 3% in 2006, the first increase in fifteen years. But this trend alone does not support a “teens gone wild” bias. Sociologist Maria Kefalas writes in her book Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage, “This creeping up of teen pregnancy is not because so many more kids are having sex, but most likely because more kids aren’t using contraception.”

*Another factor perpetuating the myth is the belief our country is in a downward spiral. Many are reluctant to believe kids are behaving more conservatively today. As Jade indicates “I just don’t want to be naïve and believe more kids are waiting.” For those who feel our country is in rapid moral decline, there remains a resistance to accept data suggesting otherwise.

*A third reason for the perception teens are out of control is the media. Sex still sells, and when Oprah broke her “teen oral sex party” story in 2003, record numbers tuned in escalating television coverage of the subject. Rumors of teen promiscuity are difficult to quell as consumers are deluged daily with Axe body spray commercials portraying young girls as raunchy predators poised to jump on anything smelling musky.

*The attitudes of many teens today may also reinforce the myth. Clearly, many high school students engage in sexually provocative texting and online behavior. According to The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, 39% of teens have “sext-ed,” and one in five teens has sent an explicit nude or semi-nude photo of themselves. However, these teens may not actually be hooking up or engaging in sexual behavior offline. The MySpace-YouTube Generation has a relatively solid reputation for acting crazy and uninhibited online while remaining subdued and less kooky in real life.

Debunking the myth of teen promiscuity is a challenge for educators such as Dr. Kathleen Bogle, author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus who writes “hooking up more often than not, does not include intercourse.” She has encouraging words for parents who fret about teen promiscuity. The research indicates parents may play a greater role than they might imagine in the rising number of teens who are choosing to wait.

J. Michele is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Sidebar/60wds:
Who Is Waiting?Dr. Kefalas writes “For teens, sex requires time and lack of supervision.” Many health advocates believe more attention should be paid to what we can learn from teenagers NOT having sex. The young people most likely to delay sex share the following three characteristics:

They are doing well in school.
They come from two-parent households.
They have more parental supervision.
Resources:
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention. http://www.cdc.gov/HealthyYouth/yrbs/pdf/yrbss07_mmwr.pdf

The National Campaign for Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy & Cosmogirl.com
http://TheNationalCampaign.org/sextech

Bogle, Kathleen. Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus. New York University Press. 2008.

Kefalas, Maria & Edin, Kathryn. Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. University of California Press. 2007.

Doodling benefits memory & concentration
415 wds/34 wd sidebar
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

One of my earliest memories is watching my mother sketch happy whimsical faces while talking on the phone. My sons’ binders are covered with detailed dragons, elephants, and superheroes, and I am a geometric doodler, endlessly tracing triangles and squares with a pencil to stay alert. I thought doodling was a lazy habit, but a new study says there are positive benefits for memory and concentration.

Scribble ResearchCurrent research suggests the state of the brain during boredom looks more like a busy bee than a lazy bum. In an article in the journal Applied Cognitive Psychology, Jackie Andrade, professor of psychology at the University of Plymouth, says when people are bored they actually have high levels of brain activity.

In Andrade’s recent study, participants listened to a boring phone message and half were introduced to a doodling task. The doodlers dominated non-doodlers in retaining information, recalling 29% more. She writes, "When you're bored, you think nothing much is going on, but actually your brain is looking for something to do." She says the brain is designed to constantly process information and when it encounters a lack of stimulation it’s a problem.

Bored? Doodling to the Rescue
Doodling helps in a state of boredom by minimizing the need to resort to daydreams when stimulation is low. Andrade believes her study’s results suggest that "doodling may be something we do because it helps to keep us on track with a boring task, rather than being an unnecessary distraction that we should try to resist doing."

The act of doodling seems to aid in concentration by providing just the right amount of stimulation to keep the brain busy and avoid retreating to fantasy world mode. You always knew penning those French poodles and shading those balloons during boring calls and board meetings was helpful!

Doodling Kids at SchoolThe ramifications for classroom doodling are intriguing. If doodling is a simple way for the brain to remain on task and a tool which prevents “drifting,” it could possibly become an effective memory aid for learning. Perhaps, inviting students to doodle during complex lectures will become commonplace in the future. It certainly seems worth a try in certain contexts given the prevalence of attention issues at school.

Doodling requires little mental energy and may be a smart choice for kids needing an extra tool in their concentration arsenal. Who knows? Maybe the next Picasso or Matisse will be discovered during a dry science lecture on sound waves!

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping children learn. She is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and a freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Andrade, Jackie. “What Does Doodling Do?”. Applied Cognitive Psychology (Feb 27 2009). http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/122205124/abstract

Sidebar/34 words:
Famous DoodlersErasmus….comical faces
John Keats…flowers
Ralph Waldo Emerson…ornamental scrolls
John F. Kennedy…sailboats
Richard Nixon…circles and squares
Ronald Reagan…cowboys, horses, and hearts
Winston Churchill…3-D boxes and spirals
Bill Gates…linked boxes
Vidal Sassoon….triangles and planets

Get the facts. Do the homework. Trust your judgment.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
970 words

Choosing a healthy, safe place for your child to thrive while you’re at work is a daunting decision. Daycare horror stories making national news may suddenly keep you awake at night. But take a deep breath. Safe, healthy options for childcare are out there. It’s important to gather information, do the legwork, and ultimately trust your gut.

Get the Facts: Narrow the Possibilities

There are regulated daycare centers, regulated home daycares, unregulated home daycares, and preschools. Begin your search early. Ann Douglas, author of Choosing Childcare for Dummies, suggests embarking upon your quest between eight weeks and a year before your back-to-work date.

Contact your local child care referral agency by checking Child Care Aware, a national consumer education parent hotline (1-800-424-2246) and web delivery system (www.childcareaware.org). The National Child Care Information Center (1-800-616-2242 or www.nccic.org) is also a good start.

Ask the referral agency about licensing requirements in your area and how to collect information about complaints or licensing violations. Ask about financial assistance programs for which you may qualify.

Home DayCare or Center?

Home daycare may be the best fit for your child’s “home away from home.” These providers tend to have more flexible hours (especially helpful if you work an atypical work schedule). They may have less rigid schedules and policies which set you more at ease. If it is important to you that your caregiver be open to making lots of individual accommodations (irregular naptimes, for example), a home provider might suit you and your child best. Some home providers are regulated, but many are not so it’s a personal choice dependent on whether you’re comfortable.

Licensed daycare centers offer many advantages. Centers may hire certified early childhood educators with training in child development and have more clearly outlined policies so everyone knows what to expect. Also, having more than one caregiver on the premises provides peace of mind (especially if you’re concerned about TV watching or unfamiliar adults in a home setting). Centers offer reliability so you won’t have to scramble for care if one caregiver is ill or on vacation. The spaces in a center are typically kid friendly and designed with safety in mind. Because of government regulation, child to caregiver ratios, safety requirements, and criminal record checks are standard.

Do the Homework: Visit and Assess Quality

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends you consider the following 13 guidelines as you evaluate the quality of a provider:

*Supervision. Are children supervised at all times, even when they are sleeping? Is discipline should be positive, clear, consistent, and fair?

*Handwashing/Diapering. Hands should be scrubbed with soap and water for at least 10 seconds and then rinsed and dried. The faucet should be turned off with a paper towel.

*Director Qualification. The director should hold a B.A. degree and have worked in child care for at least two years.

*Teacher Qualifications. The lead teacher should hold a B.A. degree in a child-related field and have worked in child care for at least a year.

*Child:Staff Ratio. One family home caregiver should care for only two babies. The fewer children each caregiver care for, the better.

*Immunizations. Does the provider have records proving that other children are up to date?

*Toxic Substances. Are cleaning supplies and pest killers kept far from children?

*Emergency Plan. Are first aid kits and emergency plans in place?

*Fire Drills. Are these practiced monthly?

*Child Abuse. Can caregivers be seen by others at all times so a child is never alone with one caregiver? Have all caregivers gone through a background check? Have all caregivers been trained to prevent, recognize, and report child abuse?

*Medication. Is it kept out of reach and labeled properly?

*Staff Training. Have all caregivers been trained in first aid and CPR?

*Playground. Is it developmentally appropriate, clean, and inspected regularly for safety?
Quality Preschools

The National Association for the Education of Young Children (NAEYC) suggests the following 10 signs are indicative of a good preschool:

1. Children spend most of their time playing and working with materials or with other children.

2. Children have access to various activities throughout the day.

3. Teachers work with individual children, small groups, and the whole group at different times during the day.

4. The classroom is decorated with children's original artwork and projects.

5. Children learn numbers and the alphabet in the context of their everyday experiences.

6. Children work on projects and have long periods of time to play and explore.

7. Worksheets are used rarely, if at all.

8. Children have an opportunity to play outside in a safe play area every day.

9. Teachers read books to children individually or in small groups.

10. Curricula are adapted for those who are ahead as well as those who need additional help.

Trust Your Judgment: Notice your Gut

One of the most helpful factors to consider when choosing a provider is the interaction between caregiver and children. Is there good communication? What is the caregiver’s interpersonal style? Notice how the interaction makes you feel. Is it a place you would look forward to coming each day?

In order to find the best fit for your child, consider how the provider’s philosophy of child rearing, discipline, education, and nurturing meshes with your own. As Ann Douglas says in her book, “You can’t count on anyone else to guarantee your child’s health, safety, and well-being in a particular child care setting. Like it or not, the buck stops with you.” Do you agree with how a provider believes your child should be guided and cared for each day?

You should feel a sense of trust in the caregiver/program and that your child will learn and grow happily within a particular environment.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, tutor, and freelancer. She is a former preschool teacher. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Child Care Aware. www.childcareaware.org
Douglas, Ann. Choosing Childcare for Dummies. For Dummies, 2003.
American Academy of Pediatrics. www.aap.org
National Association for the Education of Young Children. www.naeyc.org

If you are parenting a teen.
635 words
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
I’m the first to admit having teens in the house can be challenging as a parent. It’s confusing. The experts tell us it’s dangerous and unhealthy to be their friend (“They have to see you as an authority!”), yet there are plenty of moments it feels natural to do so—to laugh, shop, share music, and learn new things together.

Instead of simply trying to “survive” this developmental chapter, it helps to become more intentional about savoring our teens. Savoring? Sure. Appreciating the goodness of this particular stage. Otherwise, we may see only the pitfalls and not the glory of raising these emerging adults.

To the rescue are a half dozen reminders from a parent who truly understands those days they forgot to open the garage door before backing out the car AND those bizarre fashion choices:

1. You both made it through childhood. Cue the confetti. It’s worth celebrating. Really. It wasn’t always rosy—remember chronic ear infections, all those meals they couldn’t cut up their pork chop, and the demonic temper tantrums in the grocery cart? Bravo. You made it.

2. You probably have more time. And time is money. Teens are lower maintenance so you likely have more time now for personal interests. Suddenly you are freed up to explore what makes your heart sing, or to devote more time to church, a career, or your spouse. The pressure to rush home to the sitter or carve out “mommy and daddy time” is over and probably a welcome change. If your kids used to make you feel guilty about doing anything fun without them, this is probably past history. Traveling or entertaining at home? Suddenly much less-stressful.

3. You have the opportunity to have meaningful discussions. It’s one thing to discuss matters of faith when they’re 10. But as young adults, the ongoing dialogue about faith, philosophy, and character has life altering potential. They may come to you for spiritual guidance or ethical dilemmas, and engaging them in such conversations (with compassion and understanding) can have soul lifting consequences.

4. Their identity crisis makes you more accountable. At first blush, this may not sound savor-worthy, but think about it. Because they are forming opinions and making discoveries about themselves, you are probably held more accountable. And that’s good for both of you. Are you worried about the dangers of alcohol and drug-use? If so, you are likely modeling better behavior since they are watching. Part of their process as they clarify who they are morally and ethically is influenced by interactions with you and what they observe at home.

5. You may have more household help. It’s nice when there are strong arms around capable of operating a vacuum, the microwave, and the washing machine. Even if you have to nag, sending them to the grocery store is a perk. And it’s easy to forget that just a short time ago you had to drag them with you on those boring errands but now they can stay behind happily.

6. There’s a whole world of sweet things to enjoy together now that they’re older. Whether it’s a sit-com you both love, baking, a sports team, scrabble, cars, a book series, or pilates—don’t forget many such activities were not options when they were little. You likely yielded to their child-related interests and developmental needs at the time (and Dora!). Now there’s new fun stuff for both of you.

If you only pay attention to the news media and the latest best-selling nonfiction you may be horrified and convinced our teens belong to Generation Slut, Generation Me, or worse. You could be distracted and possibly misled since there are plenty of wonderful qualities emerging in adolescence.

We just have to be sensitive enough to notice. So notice. And savor those young people.

Michele Ranard tries to savor her two wonderful teenagers. She is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Ditch these common discipline traps

1500 words
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

If Houdini was the “Handcuff King,” in terms of disciplining my kids, I may be the “Handcuff Queen.” It is so easy to feel trapped and even bound when it comes to discipline. Our best attempts at helping our children learn self-control reveal we are often ourselves in short supply. It’s tricky not to yell, bribe, or cave. Houdini relied on magic as an escapologist extraordinaire, but parents require straight talk and perseverance. These eight familiar traps and escapes may help.

1. Mr. and Mrs. Loud

The trap: Yelling to get your kids attention.

Let’s face it. When you’re yelling, you’re not in control of yourself. According to a study in The Journal of Marriage and Family (2003), 88% of the parents interviewed admitted to screaming at their kids. I’m guessing the remaining 12% surveyed were feeling arrogant.

The Houdini: When your blood pressure goes up, volume should come down.

If you are not in the same room, move physically closer to your child. State your demands with a firm, business-type tone. All parents know screaming is ineffective. Psychologist and author of Raising a Thinking Child, Myrna Shure reports yelling pulls anger from them, and “children can become immune to being yelled at and start to tune it out” (which is why his room remains trashed even after shouting the command to clean it seven times). Shouting is an automatic response, but Dr. Shure says take a problem solving approach instead, i.e. if the conflict is picking up toys, you can ask how they think their disobedient behavior makes you feel and what they can DO to change that.

2. Measurement Junkies

The trap: Frequently sizing up your kids.

It can be hurtful to voice your disappointment and frustration. When you constantly label your child, i.e. “You’re the laziest kid I’ve ever seen!” you set them up for counterproductive behavior in the future. It is unfair to compare them to siblings, friends, or cousins. Perhaps you feel justified in praising “You’re the smartest!” but it could backfire. Kids who hear these messages over and over and then confront challenge can become depressed or confused. They may avoid trying new things for fear of failure.

The Houdini: Stop labeling and comparing.

Stop saying things that could leave them feeling “less than” since they will believe you, and it causes damage. They hear everything you say, and they’re changed by it. If you have to vent, do it far away from their ears. It is tempting to dwell on the negative when a child is going through a rough patch, but everyone goes through these! Frequently what seems like a deficit or weakness is a developmental lag which time and maturity may heal.

3. Friend Zone Wannabes

The trap: Failing to see they need you to be the parent not their bud.

It’s easy and even natural to want to be a friend to our children. But friends don’t tell their friends to brush their teeth, wear a jacket, work on the book report, and get off the phone. This is parent territory and what they truly need. Similarly, your kids probably will not tell their friends “I hate you” or “You are the worst parent on the planet.”

The Houdini: Be brave and turn up the manipulation radar.

Recognize your own needs for acceptance and approval may get in the way of disciplining your kids. Children need to be guided and given plenty of boundaries and rules. Overcompensating, giving in, and allowing them to cross those boundaries will not help them make good choices.

4. ‘Rents Who Won’t Get Real

The trap: Placing unrealistic expectations on “under construction” children.

Maybe your toddler refuses to share his Legos with a visiting playmate who has no trouble sharing. You may feel frustrated and as if you’re getting nowhere, but your kids are under construction. Be mindful of whether you are simply expecting too much of your developing child.

The Houdini: Wake up.

You’re not raising a genius or a saint? Welcome to the planet Earth. Kids often do not reach milestones WHEN we think they should. They just need more time. Understanding child development is helpful, but understanding your child’s unique disposition is key. To set them up for success, you need to recognize cues they are not ready for a developmental achievement, whether it is sharing toys or sleeping away from home. If you constantly go head to head with your child on the same issue, it is likely they are not yet equipped to move forward.

5. Empty Threat Masters

The trap: Making wild promises you’ll never keep.

You can be fairly sure you’re a master if your 6-year old has a hand full of sand and a sly grin on his face as you threaten for the 25th time “we will all have to leave the beach immediately if you let it fly ONE MORE TIME in your little sister's eyes.” If you’re making idle threats, your smart kids have already figured out you’re a fraud, and they probably won’t alter their behavior. Essentially, you are teaching a dangerous disconnect: it’s okay to say one thing and do another.

The Houdini: Make your expectations clear beforehand.

Be ardent about how you want your kids to behave BEFORE they step foot on the beach, or a friend’s house, or the department store. This helps avoid the constant responding to bad behavior by getting more proactive initially. When they blow it, and you have to dole out punishment, make sure the consequence is reasonable and will be carried out. Don’t threaten “I’m going to leave you alone on this beach if you don’t straighten up.” Also, keep your expectations realistic if you’re placing kids in situations they will be unduly bored or challenged.

6. Bribers of a Bratty Brood

The trap: Motivating your kids to behave with food, toys, or money.

You can easily become a slave to your kids this way, and it throws out a choice which should not even be offered. Whenever you say “if you….I will give you…” you are entering the danger zone. You are buying their compliance, and it may not be for sale in the next given circumstance. Bribing is different than rewarding your children for good behavior.

The Houdini: Just say no to bribes.

When your child displays good behavior, give rewards and praise their efforts afterward. Promising to give stickers, candy, or cash is not a disciplinary pattern you want to create.

7. Overkill Word Factories

The trap: Thinking the more sentences you string together will pull compliance.“Dental hygiene is so so so very very important, honey. When we take care of our little teeth, the toothbugs can’t attack ‘em and we won’t have to go to Mr. Dentist who scares you and has the drill thing that’s so very very loud.” It is not wise to turn simple daily routine activities and rules into lengthy monologues where kids are given the opportunity to negotiate themselves out of good behavior. It’s not necessary, and it slows everyone down (plus it annoys everyone around you).

The Houdini: Keep your eyes on the prize and zip it.

You want your kids to form good habits so expect them to obey without excessive communication. “Brush ‘em good” is all they need to hear, and you should be consistent. There is also the danger of your own anxiety triggering a flood of verbosity as you talk to your kids. When your daughter is nervous before her violin recital, you may also feel butterflies and become carried away in your pre-performance pep talk. “It’s super super scary getting up in front of ALL those people who are going to be staring at you and expecting you to play your best…” You may introduce new anxieties! Check yourself before your wreck yourself, and keep it brief.

8. Lazybutt Listeners

The trap: Poor listening.

If your kids aren’t listening, it may be in part due to your inability to hear them. If you do all the talking and shut down when they talk, you are modeling poor listening skills. Your kids may learn these skills and suffer socially.

The Houdini: Talk less. Talk a lot less.

Mark Brady, Ph.D. is a developmental social neuroscientist and author of A Little Book of Listening Skills. He writes “Learning to stop talking so much and to listen is a powerful step in loving ourselves and other people. In a world full of talkers, a skillful listener shines like the Hope Diamond.” Listening is one of the simplest, but most powerful ways to show love to our children. It is a skill at which we can all improve, and it starts with the simple idea of shutting up.

Pastoral counseling professor David Augsberger indicates “Being listened to is so close to being loved, that most people don’t know the difference.” We can all benefit in our relationships by keeping that wise thought in the forefront of our minds as we strive to more effectively discipline our kids.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.


Resources:

Journal of Marriage & Family statistic: Adults and Children Against Violence organization. http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html

Shure, Myrna. Raising a Thinking Child. Pocket. 1996.

Brady, Mark. A Little Book of Listening Skills. Paideia. 2005.

Augsberger, David. Quote found on Dr. Brady’s website, www.committedparent.com

Your child is still in there & needs connection
700 words
by Michele Ranard

If you have an adolescent, you already know how they can become too busy for you! It is more important than ever to be intentional about connecting. Maybe you feel as if all you do is service your tween or teen and watch them disappear (with the contents of your wallet) to join friends. While friendships are important, adolescents need their families, and these ideas may help to strengthen your bond.

1. Make their friends feel welcome. This is one of the best ways to see more of your teens. Sometimes the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

2. See a movie together. Take turns choosing the film which will give you an opportunity to share your favorite movies or actors they may otherwise never see.

3. Let them help you cook. Trying a new recipe is a great way to bond, even if your culinary attempts are a disaster. My own kids love to help bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, they linger much longer than if we were just making waffles. It is hard to be cranky when the whole house smells like heavenly fresh bread, and baking skills are a wonderful investment for the future.

4. Reminisce about old times. Teens love to hear about funny things they said and did when they were little. The stories never get old and often trigger more stories and memories you may have forgotten. Laugh it up!

5. Get hooked on one TV show. Everyone in our house is home on Wednesday nights to watch our family’s favorite on TV. We even took a family vacation to the location where our show is filmed in hopes of a celebrity brush or two.

6. Eat together. This can be nearly impossible as the kids head in different directions for lessons and sports, but it is important to carve out time. It doesn’t have to be dinner. If everyone is available for a long leisurely Saturday morning breakfast, go for it. Let them take turns choosing the restaurant when you go out, and insist they unplug.

7. Shop with them. It will be impossible for you not to learn a ton about your teen as you hit their favorite stores. Ask about the bands they like and any new trends at school. My younger teen still struggles with being seen with me at the mall so I don’t take it personally when he doesn’t want to stand too close as we browse.

8. Watch their favorite youTubes. My kids have introduced me to some of the most hilarious videos that only kids their age could discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

9. Ask about their high and low. Since teens are notorious for grunting and mono-syllabic responses, regularly ask them to report on their high (the best thing that happened during the day) and their low (the worst). It is as healthy for them to reflect on these experiences as it is for you to be aware of them.

10. Create special memories between holidays. Do not wait for a holiday or birthday to create special moments. Light candles and play fun music on a Tuesday night when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something special on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant would. Surprise them on a weeknight by announcing you’re all going bowling. Take them out for a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

11. Write a love note. It can be difficult to find the right moment to express what is on your heart, but teens need to know how much you cherish them. Take the time to write how thankful you are for them and leave it on their pillow. They may never mention it, but it will matter.

12. Be brave and take a road trip. Sometimes the best way to re-connect is by putting some miles between your family and where the daily grind happens. Even if it is a day trip, find ways to make the commute more pleasant and set ground rules i.e. no arguing or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Parents earn their license to mortify
600 words
by Michele Ranard

To the attractive mother with long wavy red hair in the minivan parked near me in the drop zone at middle school this morning: may I just say, “You rule the universe, and you make this mom proud.”

Was that the cabbage patch you rocked from the driver’s seat? ‘Cause your skills are fierce, Red. I am guessing “You Can’t Touch This” was blaring from the stereo, but it could have been Beyonce.

All I know is I am certain the adolescent son with the tortured expression in your passenger seat earned this performance. Surely the other eight stunned schoolmates witnessing your funky freestyle had it coming too.

Bless you, Red. Thank God there are people like you out there—parents exercising their right to mortify. I was beginning to fear the rapture for renegade ‘rents had come and left me behind. It is better with my soul now.

Here’s the deal. I’ve grown tired of hearing parents protest “Well I wouldn’t want to embarrass Blake” or “Chelsea would NEVER let me do that” or even “I don’t want to shame my kids.” Just when did the Britneys and Jasons strip us of free will and fun?

Why are sixth graders policing us, and when was the last fatality from blushing? My mother grocery shopped with her hair set in awful black brush rollers and pink plastic clips. My father once uttered the words “make love” in a station wagon full of us adolescent girls on the way to a school dance. No fatalities.

If my Irish jig in Wal-Mart (triggered by the new low low price on Cottonelle) should scar my sons for life, I can live with that. But I cannot live without dancing. I cannot stifle randomness and frivolity just because my kids think it is lame.

A jig is mortifying? Please. Mortified is the day the defiant three year old refused to leave our community pool and could not be lured with a frozen Snickers to the exit. Mortified was patient good mommy promising, “We’ll come back tomorrow, sweetie!” only to be further humiliated by a toddler. Mortified was the reaction of poolside parents when he yanked down his trunks, stepped over them, and ran streaking on deck raving “I WON’T GO. I WON’T GO!”

Mortified is crawling into a hole after the other son callously insulted a neighbor as she placed her lethargic 8-month old in a playground swing. The son’s French was decent at age five, but his sensitivity was not. He was compelled to share that the new mom’s precious bundle of joy “REALLY reminds me of a slug.” We were never invited to a barbecue.

Is it necessary to walk on eggshells, self-edit, and unduly question my wardrobe for the same adolescents who tarnish my momhood daily? Yesterday I signed a detention slip for one son’s “loud profanity” in P.E., while the other son wore leg warmers, costume jewelry, and a Jimmy Connors headband to make a statement on a non-spirit day at school. I’m sorry, but where in the official parenting handbook does it state parents must relinquish their fun card when the kids hit puberty?

I am hanging on to my fun card. Which is why the cross dressing son will not flinch when I approach his lifeguard tower this summer wearing my tie-dye cover-up, singing Colbie Caillat loudly. And if I happen to appear in the cafeteria wearing mismatched pjs to deliver his forgotten lunch, the potty mouthed son will not avert his eyes.

Not even when I pull up to school tomorrow morning and bust a new move in honor of Red.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

OMG: Sexting is all the rage
by Michele Ranard

“I’ll never forget the first time I glanced down at my son’s cell phone and read a girlfriend’s text!” Jackie Patterson has a 15-year old son and was shocked by the sexually aggressive message sent to her son. “It was raunchy and turned my stomach. I felt like the end of childhood arrived in one moment.”

Jackie is in good company. Most parents of MySpace generation teens can relate to discomfort with what seems like an excess of sexually explicit images and messages “sexted.”

Nude Photos & Lewd Sexting
A new survey commissioned by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and Cosmogirl.com asked 1,280 teenagers and young adults about sexy photos and messages.

The study reveals one in five teens use technology to send explicit nude or semi-nude photos via online or phone to someone else, and the number jumps to one in three for young adults.

But sexually suggestive messages are even more prevalent. 39% of teens and 59% of young adults reported sending them. Almost half of all the participating teens said they had received a sexually suggestive email, text, or IM. Of course, most teens say they these messages are sent to boyfriends or girlfriends.

A greater concern may be the SHARING of so many provocative images and texts. For those kids receiving sex messages, almost 40% said they have had lusty messages shared with them by friends. A whopping 75% of teens say they believe sending such messages “can have serious negative consequences” which is curious—why risk it?

Does Sexting Lead to Hookups?

Eileen Mattson is the parent of a 17-year old and is more concerned about her daughter’s indifference toward sexting. “She says it’s a big joke, and kids just feel braver being shocking in texts. I always get reassured it’s just talk.”

In the National Campaign’s study, one in five kids said “they are personally more forward and aggressive using sexually suggestive words and images than they are in ‘real life’.” About 40% of teens and young adults said sexy exchanges made dating or hook-ups more likely, and about one third of teens expected the messages to lead to hook-ups or dating.

One of the factors contributing to such bravery in cyberspace may be the online disinhibition effect which lowers inhibitions in some, causing them to communicate more openly. It explains why some teens share personal information they would not otherwise say in person.

Why They Open Up Online

Psychology professor John Suler, researches the psychological features of cyberspace. Concerning online disinhibition, he says multiple factors trigger people to behave more outgoing online, such as the following:

“You don’t know me.” Dr. Suler writes “When people have the opportunity to separate their actions from their real world and identity, they feel less vulnerable about opening up. Whatever they say or do can’t be directly linked to the rest of their lives.” It is fairly easy for anyone to feel such anonymity while using simply a screenname or phone number and not their real name. Unfortunately, this false sense of anonymity may cause your teen to feel less responsible for his or her behavior in cyberspace.

“You can’t see me.” Suler says “Text communication offers a built-in opportunity to keep one’s eyes averted.” The opportunity to be invisible physically enhances the online disinhibition effect. Without face to face interaction, the worry about how you look or sound is removed, and you do not have to see how the recipient reacts to your message. Suler indicates, “Seeing a frown, a shaking head, a sigh, a bored expression, and many other subtle and not so subtle signs of disapproval or indifference can slam the breaks on what people are willing to express.”

“See you later.” With texting, emails, and IMs, teens do not have to interact in real time. When someone opens up online, they can walk away and not have to deal with a recipient’s immediate reaction. This is entirely different from real life encounters where the immediate response often has a powerful effect on how the rest of the conversation unfolds.

Before They Hit Send

Dr. John Grohol, an expert on online psychology issues, recommends teens think hard before sending provocative images into cyberspace. “Imagine your mom, big brother or sister, or a best friend who looks up to you finding this sort of thing online…Imagine running for public office or becoming an actor or newscaster or writer and having such pictures turn up 10 or 20 years from now.”

Not everyone is disheartened by the findings of the National Campaign’s research. Attorney Ann Mitchell, president of The Institute for Spam and Internet Public Policy, suggests on her website, “rather than trying to fight the trend, teens should be encouraged to consider cybersex as the safe alternative to real sex.”

The National Campaign offers suggestions to teens before pressing “send.”
*Don’t assume anything you send or post is going to remain private. Your messages and images will get passed around, even if you think they won’t: 40% of teens and young adults say they have had a sexually suggestive message (originally meant to be private) shown to them and 20% say they have shared such a message with someone other than the person for whom is was originally meant.

*There is no changing your mind in cyberspace—anything you send or post will never truly go away. Something that seems fun and flirty and is done on a whim will never really die. Potential employers, college recruiters, teachers, coaches, parents, friends, enemies, strangers and others may all be able to find your past posts, even after you delete them. And it is nearly impossible to control what other people are posting about you. Think about it: Even if you have second thoughts and delete a racy photo, there is no telling who has already copied that photo and posted it elsewhere.

*Don’t give in to the pressure to do something that makes you uncomfortable, even in cyberspace. More than 40% of teens and young adults say “pressure from guys” is a reason girls and women send and post sexually suggestive messages and images. More than 20% of teens and young adults say “pressure from friends” is a reason guys send and post sexually suggestive messages and images.

*Consider the recipient’s reaction. Just because a message is meant to be fun doesn’t mean the person who gets it will see it that way. Four in ten teen girls who have sent sexually suggestive content did so “as a joke” but many teen boys (29%) agree that girls who send such content are “expected to date or hook up in real life.” It’s easier to be more provocative or outgoing online, but whatever you write, post or send does contribute to the real life impression you’re making.

*Nothing is truly anonymous. Nearly one in five young people who send sexually suggestive messages and images, do so to people they only know online. It is important to remember that even if someone only knows you by screen name, online profile, phone number or email address, that they can probably find you if they try hard enough.

The National Campaign’s Advice for Parents
1. Talk to your kids about what they are doing in cyberspace.
Just as you need to talk openly and honestly with your kids about real life sex and relationships, you also want to discuss online and cell phone activity. Make sure your kids fully understand that messages or pictures they send over the Internet or their cell phones are not truly private or anonymous. Also make sure they know that others might forward their pictures or messages to people they do not know or want to see them, and that school administrators and employers often look at online profiles to make judgments about potential students/employees. It’s essential that your kids grasp the potential short-term and long-term consequences of their actions.

2. Know who your kids are communicating with.
Of course it’s a given that you want to know who your children are spending time with when they leave the house. Also do your best to learn who your kids are spending time with online and on the phone. Supervising and monitoring your kids’ whereabouts in real life and in cyberspace doesn’t make you a nag; it’s just part of your job as a parent. Many young people consider someone a “friend” even if they’ve only met online. What about your kids?

3. Consider limitations on electronic communication.
The days of having to talk on the phone in the kitchen in front of the whole family are long gone, but you can still limit the time your kids spend online and on the phone. Consider, for example, telling your teen to leave the phone on the kitchen counter when they’re at home and to take the laptop out of their bedroom before they go to bed, so they won’t be tempted to log on or talk to friends at 2a.m.

3. Be aware of what your teens are posting publicly.
Check out your teen’s MySpace, Facebook and other public online profiles from time to time. This isn’t snooping—this is information your kids are making public. If everyone else can look at it, why can’t you? Talk with them specifically about their own notions of what is public and what is private. Your views may differ but you won’t know until you ask, listen, and discuss.

4. Set expectations.
Make sure you are clear with your teen about what you consider appropriate “electronic” behavior. Just as certain clothing is probably off-limits or certain language unacceptable
in your house, make sure you let your kids know what is and is not allowed online either. And give reminders of those expectations from time to time. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust your kids, it just reinforces that you care about them enough to be paying attention.

J. Michele is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelance writer.

 SIDEBAR/140 words:

Why Do Teens Send Frisky Texts?
To be “fun or flirtatious." 66% of teen girls, and 60% of teen boys say they “sext” to be “fun or flirtatious.” That percentage jumped to 70% for young adults polled.

As a gift to someone they like. More than half of the teen girls surveyed said they posted sexy messages to their boyfriends as a gift.

Pressured by other people. 51% of girls said they felt pressured by other males to post the messages. Only 18% of boys cited pressure from girls as a reason. About one in four teens said they felt pressured by their friends.

To respond to a sexy message. 44% of the teens surveyed said they sent sexually suggestive messages as a response to ones they received.

To feel sexy. 34% of teen girls said they use sexting to feel sexy.


Resources:

The National Campaign for Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy & Cosmogirl.com
http://TheNationalCampaign.org/sextech

John Grohol, PsyD (CEO and founder of Psychcentral.com). “Teens, Sex and Technology.” http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/06/teens-sex-and-technology/

Mitchell, Ann. “Is Cybersex a Viable Alternative to Risky Behavior for Teens?” The Institute for Spam and Internet Public Policy. http://www.theinternetpatrol.com/is-cyber-sex-a-viable-alternative-to-risky-behavior-for-teens

Suler, John. 2004. Cyberpsychology and Behavior, 7, 321-326.
http://www-usr.rider.edu/~suler/psycyber/psycyber.html

Before the guests arrive, Martha melts down
600 words

by Michele Ranard

Two years have passed since I cleaned the inside of my refrigerator. I am otherwise immaculate. I feel I have simply earned the right to a certain measure of filth in my castle.

It is true I am blessed with OCD and enjoy a beautiful uncluttered nest. Most days the place appears to be tidy, if not spare on the surface. But since I live with teenagers who lack the gene for OCD, our home's condition today suggests Mr. and Mrs. Clean have been out of the country for months.

Exhibit A? The basement. A filthy mancave where milkshakes and mud have comingled without de-fungal interference from anyone. Tie-dye parties, bloody ultimate forts (don’t ask), and heavy metal band rehearsals with un-showered groupies contribute to the foul aroma permeating this teen dungeon. When my immune system is stronger I intend to venture “into the unclean” with Lysol and a gas mask.

Exhibits B and C? Kitchen cupboards and closets so utterly crammed with overflow we have simply ceased using them. If you require a dish, please wear the helmet located next to the liability waiver there on the crusty countertop.

I confess I could co-exist for weeks within this teen-trashed homemaker hell were it not for the occasional itch to entertain friends. It always seems like an excellent idea to invite people over for dinner. Daydreams of us cozying up to a crackling fire lift my mood in the dead of winter.

Except as soon as the invitations have been sent, the daydream turns to terror, and Mrs. Clean has a panic attack. Her contamination will soon be on display! Evidence of her lazy teens will be revealed in broad daylight! Less disturbed and more civilized souls will be poised to judge the potentially condemning condition of her abode!

She visualizes herself manually guiding horrified guests toward the one room she found time to hose down. The thought will occur that the beachy chic décor of this living room quite borders on acceptable until her gaze and that of her guests meets the empty black box. It is indeed full of soot and not the romantic crackling fire she completely forgot to build.

Mrs. Clean is 48 hours away from welcoming guests to a dinner party for which she has neither cleaned, nor planned a menu. It occurs to her that if she fakes a brain aneurism, she may avoid addressing the urine-infused magnet for scum known as her powder room. And if she accidentally drops a tube of biscuit dough on her pinky, the clumsy cast would surely preclude her ability to clean toilets and mop floors.

The tube is returned to the sludge filled frig. There will be no visit to the ER today. Today Mrs. Clean will save the world. She will pen a list of chores, assigning a few to the three RockBand addicts in the mancave. Then she will execute them (the chores, not the addicts) as she channels Ms. Stewart and Julia. After all, she has performed this dance a hundred times and should know it by heart.

Today Mrs. Clean will dig deep. And there she will discover extra reserves of strength welling from a prideful place deep within her that is terrified her friends will see her for who she truly is: a procrastinating, poorly groomed, homemaking imposter who lives with three men in filth day to day, cleaning only for visitors. And drawing from those reserves, she will rise up and toil and sweat and shop and bake until she is certain all tracks have been covered and her secret remains.

That is, until one of her guests opens the refrigerator door.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Preventing eating disorders in children

700 words
by Michele Ranard

Seated on the floor with legs stretched out before her, my perfectly proportioned and petite eight year old niece recently gazed at her bare legs and sighed, “My thighs are fat.”

My son is thirteen, has washboard abs from swimming, and has asked us far too often for the number of calories on his dinner plate.

Such everyday scenarios reflect our children’s growing sensitivity to body image and weight issues. The media is saturated with unrealistic and unattainable body shapes, and our children are more vulnerable than ever to such images.

Unfortunately, the incidence of eating disturbances is increasing among children and teens across America. However, as parents we can play a major part in lowering their risk.

The National Eating Disorders Association reports the onset of eating disorders is usually in adolescence, but EVEN KINDERGARTENERS can exhibit symptoms. So from an early age, parents should engage children in discussions of healthy bodies and healthy eating.

What are the Symptoms?

Anorexia Nervosa is a refusal to maintain a minimally normal weight for height, fear of gaining weight, and preoccupation with weight and body shape. Consequences of anorexia are muscle loss, weakening of the heart, osteoporosis, dehydration, and hair loss.

Bulimia Nervosa is over-eating in secret followed bycompensatory behavior (self-induced vomiting or use of diuretics). Bulimics often fast, exercise compulsively, and become overly concerned with weight and shape. Consequences include heart irregularity due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal issues, ulcers, and tooth decay.

Binge Eating Disorder involves binge eating with an absence of compensatory behaviors. Consequences for health are the same as for obesity and include risk of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

Who Develops an Eating Disorder?

The NEDA estimates that 11 million Americans struggle with an eating disorder.

University of Minnesota Professor Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, an expert on eating disturbances in adolescence, identifies three types of risks for developing an eating disorder. These include poor body image/low self-esteem, messages in the environment that thin bodies are most attractive, and dieting or binging.

Dr. Neumark-Sztainer suggests eating disorder prevention begin at a very young age and “early messages can be as simple as learning to feel good about your body.”

Three Prevention Strategies

1. Help your child develop a better body image by consistently stressing health, not thinness. In my niece’s case, her mother explained her thighs were “just right” and how not everyone’s legs look quite the same.Talk to your kids about the importance of exercise, and encourage them to participate in team sports. Current research indicates athletes feel better about their bodies and weight than non-participants.If your child’s poor body image or low self-esteem concerns you, talk to a counselor or medical professional.

2. Model healthy behavior. Do not call yourself fat or talk negatively about your own body. If you are trying to lose weight, let your child know you are doing so to improve your health. You should avoid diets, skipping meals, and diet pills and instead model healthy eating and good exercise habits.

I realized my own adolescent son was influenced by hearing others count points for the Weight Watchers program. It was necessary to educate him about the program and the reasons he needed to consume many more calories than weight watching adults.

Teach your child self-respecting strategies for coping with negative emotions and stress. Eat healthy meals at home since Dr. Neumark-Sztainer writes “family meals can play a major role in preventing eating disorders, especially in adolescent girls.” We already knew the importance of eating family meals together, so here’s another added benefit.

3. Discuss images in magazines and on television that present unrealistic body images. We need to help boys and girls reject these unattainable images in the media. Adolescent girls are especially vulnerable to fashion magazines. A recent study by Kimberly Vaughan and Gregory Fouts actually linked the relationship of decreased eating disorder symptoms to decreased magazine reading!

Explain to your child that professional athletes and actresses like Miley Cyrus Berry or Keira Knightley often workout for many hours daily to maintain such low weight.

Help your child to understand genetics and the fact that healthy bodies are not one size fits all. For more information about eating disorders, contact the National Association of Eating Disorders (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/) toll-free helpline at 800-931-2337.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, an academic tutor, and a freelance writer.
Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:
The National Association of Eating Disorders, http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/, toll-free helpline, 800-931-2337
The Center for the Advancement of Health, http://www.cfah.org/
Interview of Dr. Neumark (www.cfah.org)
“What’s the best thing we can do for our kids” http://www.discoverumn.edu/
“Changes in television and magazine exposure and eating disorder symptomatology.” Vaughan, Kimberley K. and Fouts, Gregory T. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Oct., 2003.