Ditch these common discipline traps

1500 words
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

If Houdini was the “Handcuff King,” in terms of disciplining my kids, I may be the “Handcuff Queen.” It is so easy to feel trapped and even bound when it comes to discipline. Our best attempts at helping our children learn self-control reveal we are often ourselves in short supply. It’s tricky not to yell, bribe, or cave. Houdini relied on magic as an escapologist extraordinaire, but parents require straight talk and perseverance. These eight familiar traps and escapes may help.

1. Mr. and Mrs. Loud

The trap: Yelling to get your kids attention.

Let’s face it. When you’re yelling, you’re not in control of yourself. According to a study in The Journal of Marriage and Family (2003), 88% of the parents interviewed admitted to screaming at their kids. I’m guessing the remaining 12% surveyed were feeling arrogant.

The Houdini: When your blood pressure goes up, volume should come down.

If you are not in the same room, move physically closer to your child. State your demands with a firm, business-type tone. All parents know screaming is ineffective. Psychologist and author of Raising a Thinking Child, Myrna Shure reports yelling pulls anger from them, and “children can become immune to being yelled at and start to tune it out” (which is why his room remains trashed even after shouting the command to clean it seven times). Shouting is an automatic response, but Dr. Shure says take a problem solving approach instead, i.e. if the conflict is picking up toys, you can ask how they think their disobedient behavior makes you feel and what they can DO to change that.

2. Measurement Junkies

The trap: Frequently sizing up your kids.

It can be hurtful to voice your disappointment and frustration. When you constantly label your child, i.e. “You’re the laziest kid I’ve ever seen!” you set them up for counterproductive behavior in the future. It is unfair to compare them to siblings, friends, or cousins. Perhaps you feel justified in praising “You’re the smartest!” but it could backfire. Kids who hear these messages over and over and then confront challenge can become depressed or confused. They may avoid trying new things for fear of failure.

The Houdini: Stop labeling and comparing.

Stop saying things that could leave them feeling “less than” since they will believe you, and it causes damage. They hear everything you say, and they’re changed by it. If you have to vent, do it far away from their ears. It is tempting to dwell on the negative when a child is going through a rough patch, but everyone goes through these! Frequently what seems like a deficit or weakness is a developmental lag which time and maturity may heal.

3. Friend Zone Wannabes

The trap: Failing to see they need you to be the parent not their bud.

It’s easy and even natural to want to be a friend to our children. But friends don’t tell their friends to brush their teeth, wear a jacket, work on the book report, and get off the phone. This is parent territory and what they truly need. Similarly, your kids probably will not tell their friends “I hate you” or “You are the worst parent on the planet.”

The Houdini: Be brave and turn up the manipulation radar.

Recognize your own needs for acceptance and approval may get in the way of disciplining your kids. Children need to be guided and given plenty of boundaries and rules. Overcompensating, giving in, and allowing them to cross those boundaries will not help them make good choices.

4. ‘Rents Who Won’t Get Real

The trap: Placing unrealistic expectations on “under construction” children.

Maybe your toddler refuses to share his Legos with a visiting playmate who has no trouble sharing. You may feel frustrated and as if you’re getting nowhere, but your kids are under construction. Be mindful of whether you are simply expecting too much of your developing child.

The Houdini: Wake up.

You’re not raising a genius or a saint? Welcome to the planet Earth. Kids often do not reach milestones WHEN we think they should. They just need more time. Understanding child development is helpful, but understanding your child’s unique disposition is key. To set them up for success, you need to recognize cues they are not ready for a developmental achievement, whether it is sharing toys or sleeping away from home. If you constantly go head to head with your child on the same issue, it is likely they are not yet equipped to move forward.

5. Empty Threat Masters

The trap: Making wild promises you’ll never keep.

You can be fairly sure you’re a master if your 6-year old has a hand full of sand and a sly grin on his face as you threaten for the 25th time “we will all have to leave the beach immediately if you let it fly ONE MORE TIME in your little sister's eyes.” If you’re making idle threats, your smart kids have already figured out you’re a fraud, and they probably won’t alter their behavior. Essentially, you are teaching a dangerous disconnect: it’s okay to say one thing and do another.

The Houdini: Make your expectations clear beforehand.

Be ardent about how you want your kids to behave BEFORE they step foot on the beach, or a friend’s house, or the department store. This helps avoid the constant responding to bad behavior by getting more proactive initially. When they blow it, and you have to dole out punishment, make sure the consequence is reasonable and will be carried out. Don’t threaten “I’m going to leave you alone on this beach if you don’t straighten up.” Also, keep your expectations realistic if you’re placing kids in situations they will be unduly bored or challenged.

6. Bribers of a Bratty Brood

The trap: Motivating your kids to behave with food, toys, or money.

You can easily become a slave to your kids this way, and it throws out a choice which should not even be offered. Whenever you say “if you….I will give you…” you are entering the danger zone. You are buying their compliance, and it may not be for sale in the next given circumstance. Bribing is different than rewarding your children for good behavior.

The Houdini: Just say no to bribes.

When your child displays good behavior, give rewards and praise their efforts afterward. Promising to give stickers, candy, or cash is not a disciplinary pattern you want to create.

7. Overkill Word Factories

The trap: Thinking the more sentences you string together will pull compliance.“Dental hygiene is so so so very very important, honey. When we take care of our little teeth, the toothbugs can’t attack ‘em and we won’t have to go to Mr. Dentist who scares you and has the drill thing that’s so very very loud.” It is not wise to turn simple daily routine activities and rules into lengthy monologues where kids are given the opportunity to negotiate themselves out of good behavior. It’s not necessary, and it slows everyone down (plus it annoys everyone around you).

The Houdini: Keep your eyes on the prize and zip it.

You want your kids to form good habits so expect them to obey without excessive communication. “Brush ‘em good” is all they need to hear, and you should be consistent. There is also the danger of your own anxiety triggering a flood of verbosity as you talk to your kids. When your daughter is nervous before her violin recital, you may also feel butterflies and become carried away in your pre-performance pep talk. “It’s super super scary getting up in front of ALL those people who are going to be staring at you and expecting you to play your best…” You may introduce new anxieties! Check yourself before your wreck yourself, and keep it brief.

8. Lazybutt Listeners

The trap: Poor listening.

If your kids aren’t listening, it may be in part due to your inability to hear them. If you do all the talking and shut down when they talk, you are modeling poor listening skills. Your kids may learn these skills and suffer socially.

The Houdini: Talk less. Talk a lot less.

Mark Brady, Ph.D. is a developmental social neuroscientist and author of A Little Book of Listening Skills. He writes “Learning to stop talking so much and to listen is a powerful step in loving ourselves and other people. In a world full of talkers, a skillful listener shines like the Hope Diamond.” Listening is one of the simplest, but most powerful ways to show love to our children. It is a skill at which we can all improve, and it starts with the simple idea of shutting up.

Pastoral counseling professor David Augsberger indicates “Being listened to is so close to being loved, that most people don’t know the difference.” We can all benefit in our relationships by keeping that wise thought in the forefront of our minds as we strive to more effectively discipline our kids.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.


Resources:

Journal of Marriage & Family statistic: Adults and Children Against Violence organization. http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/specialtopics/yelling.html

Shure, Myrna. Raising a Thinking Child. Pocket. 1996.

Brady, Mark. A Little Book of Listening Skills. Paideia. 2005.

Augsberger, David. Quote found on Dr. Brady’s website, www.committedparent.com