hello lovely child

How to help kids develop a healthier mindset
750 words
by Michele Ranard

A few years back, my first-grader stepped off the school bus in tears. The words he squeaked out between sobs cut me to the soul. He said, “My teacher hates my reading ‘cause I’m stupid.”It was the start of the school year, and he had been placed in remedial reading—a group of five students, pulled from the classroom for specialized instruction with a reading specialist. When I asked around, it seemed my son was the only student struggling with self-image over the placement. So why do certain children fall apart when faced with negative evaluation while others seem to roll with the punches?

Fixed Mindsets Have Something to Prove
Due to the interaction of genetics and environment, some children react with more hopelessness than others, and Stanford psychology professor, Carol Dweck suggests mindsets may be at fault. In Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, she writes “People with a fixed mindset believe that their traits are just given…and nothing can change that.” These thinkers worry excessively about their inadequacy and believe intelligence, athletic ability, and talent are fixed traits rather than qualities which can be developed.

Dweck says kids with fixed mindsets are compelled to prove themselves over and over because of a strong need to confirm that they are smart, athletic, or talented in every situation. Since academic success at school is measured primarily with pass/fail, some children may be reinforced to think in narrow terms and constantly ask themselves, “Am I a winner or a loser? Will I succeed or fail?”

How to Praise
Believe it or not, Dweck says praise, more than criticism contributes to fixed mindsets in children. For example, if you repeatedly praise your daughter for being smart, she may grow to expect that school work will come easy. If she encounters failure in math or reading, the failure will feel like proof she is not smart as you characterized her. She recommends that when your child brings home an excellent grade you avoid making comments such as “Man, you are smart!” Instead, you could reference her effort and the pay off.

If your child bombs a test or comes home with a disappointing report card and says “I’m dumb,” it is important that you explain how tests and report cards are not indicators of intelligence. Children need to understand that hard work and extra help can lead to greater success.


Growth Mindsets Lead to Personal Growth“Growth mindset” is the alternative to believing there is nothing you can do with the cards you have been dealt. With this mentality “the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development.” Such thinkers recognize people can grow and succeed through experience, training, and personal effort. Dweck notes that when kids think the qualities they desire are attainable their passion is sparked for learning.

If your child does not have a growth mindset and struggles with school, their self-image could be at risk. Since fixed mindsets focus on judging (“This means I’m dumb,” “This means I’m a bad kid”), a shift needs to occur. A child’s inner voice could ask instead, “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I improve?” Dweck says developing this mindset “allows people to thrive during the most challenging times of their lives.”

Four Ways to Help Kids Develop a Healthier Mindset

*Help them heighten their sensitivity to negative self-talk. When kids grow more aware of what their fixed mindset is telling them (“Face it—you’ve got no talent!”), they will be in a better position to do something to change that internal monologue. Talk to them about the ways their self-judgments hold them back.

*Explain there are other ways to evaluate themselves. In the face of failure, there is always more than one response available. If they bomb a math test after studying hard, “You’re a horrible math student” is only one potential reaction.

*Teach them to talk back! They will love this one. Rather than allowing a fixed mindset to drag them down—they should talk back to the voice saying they are not good enough. Encourage them to embrace a growth mindset which, without judging, sees the possibilities and the opportunities that may come from the setback.

*Discuss how a new mindset may be put into practice. Dweck challenges us to embrace life’s trials and learn from our setbacks. She says, “Hear the criticism and act on it.” Action based on a healthier mindset will expand the opportunities available to our kids now and through adulthood.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelance writer. She is happy to report her son made great progress and has learned invaluable life lessons as a result of his academic struggles. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Dweck, Carol. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House 2006.

Sharpen math skills this summer without a workbook!
600 words
by Michele Ranard


I can see it now. That first morning of summer vacation, my sons will come rushing down the stairs for breakfast pleading, “Math! Sweet, dear, fractions and decimals! Please, mom! CAN WE SOLVE EQUATIONS ALL DAY?” It could happen! Or not.

Funny thing about math—it doesn’t elicit quite the same excitement as say, a trip to the Water Park or the sound of the ice cream man. No one seems to miss regrouping or finding place value when school’s out and the Slip ‘n Slide beckons. But when September rolls around, many students dread math. Memory for their facts or long division may be rusty, and the rules for simplifying fractions could be history (like the ice cream man).

As a math tutor, I have found the key to helping kids stay sharp during the summer is to stay INVOLVED. If you simply toss a workbook in front of them and disappear, chances are, it will collect more dust than completed pages. Need some ideas for the summer?

Younger Students
*Fruit chews & fact families. Skip the flash cards! To practice math facts, break out the crayons, markers, fruit chews, and scratch paper. Have them practice their fact families by writing four colorful sentences for each fact (2+4=6, 4+2=6, 6-2=4, and 6-4=2). The fruit chews can sit in a little pile next to the paper, and they can reward themselves with one chew for each completed “family.”

*SUV math. Even for short commutes, give your child mental math problems to solve. You could ask, “Can you name a few ways to make seven?” or “How many cookies will I have if four friends each give me two?”

*Guess the digit. This can be played anytime and almost anywhere. Think of a number, give them a range, and then let them ask yes or no questions for clues (Is it even? Is it greater than 7?).

*Kitchen floor geometry. Drag out the can of wooden blocks, and let them have at it. Seriously! Visual discrimination and geometry skills will be sharpened, and they may have forgotten about the joy of building.

Older Students
*Play the unplugged way. Think of it as a rare technology-free opportunity to connect with your kids. Yahtzee, Uno, Othello, Top it, Mancala, Connect Four, Pentago, cribbage, and blackjack are a few possible games to play.

*Middle school girly-math. Check out Danica McKellar’s book series, “Math Doesn’t Suck” from the library. Her creative approach to engage tween girls may expand her vision of math.

*Pull a Bobby Flay (or Rachel Ray). Cook or bake together, discussing the quantities in the recipes. Let them do the measuring, and quiz them (How many cups in a quart? Quarts in a gallon? Ounces in a quarter pound?).

*Rip, review & snack. Find a used textbook comparable to the one from school (eBay or Amazon) and tear out the end of chapter “reviews” or “tests.” Sometimes the answers are in the back. Why tear them out? A single page won’t overwhelm like the full text can. Assign one test per week, pair it with their favorite snack, and supervise (you could straighten kitchen cabinets or clean the frig while kids work at the counter).

All Ages
*Drill, baby drill. Together, check out websites such as http://www.aaamath.com/, where you can click on their grade for appropriate drills. It’s fun, interactive, and painless!

Remember, the summer is actually a wonderful time to explore math with your kids. The stress of exams and report cards no longer hangs over them, and they can even work outside in the sunshine. Make the summer days COUNT!

Michele Ranard is passionate about helping kids feel good about math! She is a math tutor, professional counselor, and mother of two sons. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Tips for preventing sports injuries
440 words
by Michele Ranard

Pain. Swelling. Bruising. Even the mildest injuries can throw a wrench into your child’s fun this season. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) reports that 3 million kids get injured in sports each year. Most injuries occur as a result of falls, being struck by an object, collisions, and overexertion. So if they will be playing organized or even backyard sports this summer, keep these tips in mind.

*Buy appropriate protective gear and new shoes. Helmets save lives. According to the AAP, cycling, skateboarding, and skating are responsible for the majority of sports-related head injuries, so protect those noggins! Buy proper mouth guards, protective guards, and shoes (i.e. soccer cleats won’t work for baseball). Shoes from last season are probably worn down and uneven on the bottom and could cause the ankle to twist, so don’t chance it.

*Before the season begins, get the green light from your doctor on previous injuries. Sometimes taping the injured area or wearing a supportive ankle brace during games will be recommended to prevent re-injury.

*Insist on proper REST. Especially during summer vacation when we all stay up too late. Lots of sleep prepares your kids for the match, helps them concentrate (and avoid injury) on the field, and then recover.

*Just say no to backyard sports in bare feet. Warm weather may be all about barefootin’ it, but sports isn’t! Explain to your kids how it won’t be any fun to be stuck inside with an awkward cast or bandage because they were too busy to tie on shoes.

*Think safety during practice. The APP reports that 60% of all organized sports-related injuries occur during practice.

*Make sure the playing fields are safe. Dips, divots, holes, and uneven surfaces have “sprain” written all over them. Coaches are often busy with players, so parents should walk the field and report any potential issues.

*Talk to your kids about warm-ups and stretching. You don’t want them straining those muscles. Light jogging, stretches, and warm-up exercises warm the body’s tissues and keep them flexible. Warming up also clears the mind, aids focus, and mentally prepares them for the game.

*Confirm that a first-aid kit will be accessible. Kids and sports are too dangerous a combo to be without one.

*Water, water, water! Hydration during practices and games is crucial, so go ahead and be the parent who always has an extra bottle – it’s too important.

*If you suspect an injury, seek treatment right away. Time is often of the essence. Even if it appears only to be an ankle sprain, see a doctor to avoid future issues such as instability or arthritis.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two sons, and a master's in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

www.aap.org

Tips for parents when kids call school the b-word
1,550 words
by Michele Ranard

All of us can recall moments we felt bored beyond belief in school. Maybe it was when your long-winded fifth grade teacher read aloud with a monotone from the earth science textbook. Or during that math unit on measurement conversion – you know – convert sixty-seven thousand kilometers to inches (I actually enjoyed that unit, but I am a math tutor!)?

One of my tutoring students even prefers dental surgery to learning the rules to convert improper fractions to mixed numbers. Let’s face it. Not every topic or class lecture has students on the edge of their seats. Plugged-in millenials in this 24-hour streaming news age are sophisticated and spoiled for sexy Power Points and Smart Boards in the classroom. Has that left them lazier and more prone to boredom?

The Science of Boredom

Current research indicates the state of the brain during boredom actually looks more like a busy bee than a lazy bum. In a new study published in Applied Cognitive Psychology, Jackie Andrade, professor of psychology at the University of Plymouth, says when people are bored they actually have high levels of brain activity.

Andrade writes, "When you're bored, you think nothing much is going on, but actually your brain is looking for something to do." She says the brain is designed to constantly process information and when it encounters a lack of stimulation, there is a problem. Her experiments demonstrate that doodling actually helps in a state of boredom.

Apparently doodling diminishes the need for daydreaming and aids in concentration (you always knew penciling those little circles and triangles during boring phone calls and board meetings was helpful!). The ramifications for classroom doodling are intriguing. However, if your child’s complaints of boredom are frequent and her grades are slipping, the answer is likely more complex than idle scribbles.

The Teacher’s Perspective
Two experienced elementary school teachers shared their take on the b-word. Jane Klein believes one of the keys to keeping boredom at bay in her classroom is improving upon the quality of the student-teacher relationship. “The more I invest in a student – asking about outside interests, friendly conversations, and positive phone calls home – the more that student is willing to put energy into something that may not interest them or seem relevant.”

Teacher Laurel Bryan adds, “Boredom does not really describe the truth. It may be masking ‘lazy,’ or it may be masking ‘struggle.’ Either way, take off the mask and name it so you can deal with it!” Removing the mask may reveal a student’s lack of interest, trouble grasping class material, conflict with a teacher, or even too little challenge.

Unraveling Boredom

*Just bored or lack of interest? Disinterest is actually a tricky issue in a digital culture where some students crave constant external stimulation and shut down for topics they consider dull. Engaging lectures help, but with all the pressures piled high on teachers already, should we really expect them to add stand-up comedy to their repertoire, a la Jack Black in School of Rock?

Bryan believes kids should play a more active role in the partnership of learning. As she says, “Kids need to learn it is not the responsibility of everyone else to entertain them. They need to make the most of what they have, and this is a life skill.”

*Just bored or academic struggle? Sometimes boredom can mask hurt feelings. It is common for students to whine boredom when caught in a vicious cycle of disengagement, poor performance, and negative evaluation. When they fall behind, it may be easier to fake disinterest than claim defeat. If boredom masks an academic struggle for your child, tutoring may be helpful. In my practice, success stories are common where a student’s initial patterns of failure are transformed through steady hard work in tutoring.

*Just bored or a conflict with a teacher? Sometimes, poor “fit” with a particular teacher plays a role in reported boredom. My middle school son is hyper-sensitive to his teachers’ interpersonal evaluations. When he feels he has successfully earned the approval of a teacher he over-achieves and contributes one hundred percent to his studies. But when he feels misunderstood or slighted, he tends to squeak by or adopt a negative mindset.

Klein stresses the power of the student-teacher relationship and says of this dynamic, “If students know that I care about them and that I am on their side in the classroom, they are more apt and able to put forth effort and engage in the learning process.”

*Just bored or a lack of challenge? Tim Olson is a bright eighth grader, referred to me for math tutoring last summer after failing the subject. Within a few sessions it became clear that Tim’s whiny “math is lame” attitude masked a true lack of challenge in the classroom. I cannot tell you the surprise and delight of his parents upon hearing their son was a math whiz! Not only was his placement in basic math incorrect, but a personality clash with his teacher exacerbated the issue, setting the scene for rebellion and underachievement. Fortunately, one-on-one counseling and math tutoring renewed his joy for math, and he earns mostly A’s now.

What Parents Can Do

*Investigate whether boredom is masking something else. Pick a calm, quiet, peaceful time to explore the issue. Have your child show you the textbook, notes, and past exams for the subject to clarify whether they grasp the content of the material. Help them identify whether they feel lazy, hurt, disengaged, or defeated. This information will help you determine whether tutoring, a conference at school, or even a few phone calls to other parents might be in order.

*Don’t lose perspective. It’s not the end of the world. Do not lose heart or over-react before getting down to some detective work. Your child may be experiencing a rough patch, and most teachers and administrators want to partner with you to help. Sometimes our children are not the best assessors of their performance. You may even discover in a conference that your child is making satisfactory progress. It is important to share such feedback with your child and to celebrate any good news.

*Be honest with the teacher. Approach the matter as a friendly investigation, not an interrogation. Without an accusatory tone, express your concerns in a calm direct manner. Share any changes you have observed in your child’s attitude and behavior and any changes at home. Be sure to mention how important their education is to you. It is okay to ask whether there may be a personality clash or misunderstanding. Most teachers will appreciate your sensitivity and respect your intentions when you remain upbeat and pleasant.

Experienced teachers are often armed with effective strategies you may not have considered to motivate your student. One of schoolteacher Jane Klein’s secret weapons is offering choices. “If I can think of two or more choices that I can live with and present them to the student, they feel empowered by having the responsibility of choice, and I get what I want.” But be prepared to hear the truth from the teacher. Laurel Bryan indicates, “Some kids use ‘bored’ as an excuse to be lazy when they need to be empowered to do more.”

*Don’t forget to stay positive about what brings your child joy. Your developing student is likely engaged in a variety of activities he or she loves, from Brownies to piano lessons to soccer. Continue to actively support and encourage these interests which bring enjoyment and balance out those which bring challenge. Their passions will likely change as they mature, so be their cheerleader as they explore new territory and take risks.

*Find connections outside of the classroom. If your son cannot get revved up while studying the Revolutionary War, go beyond the textbook to expand his perspective. While it may lack some historical accuracy, depending on his age and maturity, your student could view “The Patriot” or a documentary on the subject. Does the “boring” topic have specialized vocabulary? Encourage your student to create vocab flashcards on bright neon index cards to make preparation for an exam more stimulating and pleasant. There are wonderful math help sites on the web (try http://www.aaamath.com/) if the sight of flashcards for math facts reduces them to tears. Visit museums and the library, and do not forget the power of your own enthusiasm and energy for a topic. Be a model of joyful learning.

Talk with them about personal responsibility in the learning process and the fact that learning new things is NEVER a waste of time. Bryan wisely recommends explaining that not every subject in school will be their favorite, “but it is their challenge to find the interesting hidden within that subject, be active participants in the process, and take ownership for their learning.”

*Keep your academic expectations in check. This is especially important if you are a perfectionist. Is it possible your child feels overly burdened for not bringing home “A” work despite concerted effort? Make sure your comments and actions are not sending the message that anything less than perfect is fail. You should expect your child to work hard and strive for high marks, but we all have weak areas. Stay positive, sharing experiences from your own life which demonstrate how through perseverance you found success.

Michele Ranard is is an academic tutor, professional counselor, and a freelance writer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Andrade, Jackie. “What Does Doodling Do?”. Applied Cognitive Psychology (Feb 27 2009). http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/122205124/abstract

1120 words
Understanding middle school math angst
by Michele Ranard


As a math tutor, I once received a phone call from a mother feeling so desperate for help, she held the phone out so I could hear the shouting match ensuing as her husband attempted to help their tween son, Chase with math homework. It sounded more like the chaotic bedlam of a Jerry Springer soundstage than a suburban kitchen!

Tearful homework dramas like this one are common. Chase said he hated math, his frazzled parents were “losing it” trying to help, and emotions escalated. Throw adolescent hormones and rebellion into the mix, and it can feel like math mayhem.

Understanding the dynamics of middle school math angst may ease your pain if you have an under-achieving tween (and just may keep the kitchen less Springer-like).

Middle School Math Angst

The majority of my tutoring students are like Chase. In middle school, they have lost joy for math, have fallen behind, and feel hopeless about catching up. Many students find it difficult to engage in the abstract thinking expected of them in middle school. Then there is the cool factor—it may no longer be embarrassing or “uncool” to be bad at math. Few tweens would brag they cannot read, yet there is little stigma attached to “I can’t do math.”

Parents may feel discouraged too. Your own struggle with math have left you feeling helpless or biased that some folks get it, and some just don’t. In my experience, when students learn to do math and experience success, they begin to like it. While a magic bullet for math angst has yet to materialize, there is always hope for your child – even if they are failing. Everyone can get better at math!

High Anxiety and Low Confidence

Taylor Swenson is a 7th grader who could barely speak during our first tutoring session. Her eyes filled with tears as she described feeling overwhelmed on test days. Staring down at her exam, she “felt clueless where to begin.” Test anxiety is common for students like Taylor who lack confidence.

Confronted with repeated failure, math anxiety may be masked with callousness (“I’ll never use this stuff anyway”), anger (“It’s too difficult!”), or false indifference (“Whatever”). With so many mixed feelings, it is no surprise that even the most easygoing of parents finds it unnerving to help with math. Sometimes finding a tutor is the answer.

Why Tweens Shut Down

Young adolescents who struggle with math often “shut down” in math class to avoid painful feelings and defeat. They have trouble seeing the meaningfulness of solving abstract problems so removed from their real life. They have not lived long enough to develop an appreciation for the beauty of the logic in math. So it becomes a vicious cycle of poor performance, shutting down, failure of new material to become anchored, etc.

Tweens caught in the cycle need to feel safe in order to open up. A warm, friendly environment is essential to breaking the cycle. Instead of diving right into solving problems or rehearsing math facts, a good tutor will take time to build trust with your student. The tutor will explain why investing effort into math is worthwhile. If this sounds touchy-feely (“I want my child to PERFORM better in math, not necessarily FEEL better about it”), I would assure you that addressing anxiety and safety is a critical step toward improved performance and grades.

8 Strategies to Build Math Confidence

While tutoring sessions are tailored to meet the needs of each individual student, the following strategies are always weaved into my work. They may be used as a framework for discussions with a math tutor or teacher.

*Engage students in a working relationship. Most students need an answer to WHY BOTHER with math? The objective in tutoring is not to pour into the student all the formulas, theorems, and math expertise of the tutor. Better performance in math is more often a result of seeds planted in tutoring, hard work, and a strong relationship with the tutor.

* Explore strengths and obstacles to learning. Frequently, math teachers have suggestions for how a student may improve. Chase’s teacher reported his tendency to drift off during lectures and his inability to get started on assigned work. Tutoring sessions will reveal a student’s learning style (visual? auditory?), impairments (never mastered math facts? bad note taking? disorganized?), and strengths (abstract thinker? good at mental math?).

*Set them up for success. When possible, students should be given choices. Rather than articulating immediately how a math problem should be approached, students may be asked, “What math operation could be applied here?” It becomes deeply satisfying for them when they can truly own their success. This is different than being the submissive recipient of a tutor’s help.

*Improve math vocabulary. Math teachers are sometimes pressured to squeeze a math lesson into a half hour, leaving little time for vocabulary instruction. However, students need to be able to understand and discuss terms such as factors, multiples, integers, proportions, and equivalent fractions.

*Provide tools to seek help. Vocabulary for math is a valuable tool for soliciting help and answers quickly and effectively from teachers and textbooks. When vocabulary is weak, a student may say to the teacher “I don’t know what to do with these fraction thing-ies,” whereas a developed vocabulary helps them express, “I keep forgetting how to convert improper fractions to mixed numbers.”

*Explore self-image. With repeated failure in math, students may become vulnerable to negative “self-talk.” They may tell themselves “I’m just dumb” or “My teacher thinks I’m slow.” Chase’s negative catch phrase was “I’ve NEVER been good at math.” Parents may unwittingly reinforce such negativity when they say “I was never good at math either.” Students need encouragement that: nobody is perfect, a math grade does not reflect intelligence, and math can be learned in different ways.

*Restructure counter-productive self-talk. Taylor’s reading comprehension skills were unfortunately weak for word problems in math. However, the negative “I’m horrible at word problems!” became “Reading comp is tricky for me so I have to draw pictures to get what the problem is asking.” If a student’s memory is poor for the rules to add integers, “I’ll never remember all this!” can become “Until I master adding integers, I’ll refer to my notes.” Even subtle shifts in thought patterns re-shape math attitudes.

*Acknowledge there is no substitute for hard work. If there is one mantra my students hear more than any other in tutoring, it is this one. There is just no substitute! Conquering math angst is an honorable quest and never a waste of time. (By the way, Chase won a math achievement award at school last month, and Taylor has a solid A- in math!)

Sidebar/100 words:

Got Math Angst?
Check the appropriate box of any statement which sounds like your child.

__ “I’m so bored in math, I would rather have a root canal.”

__ “When I have a math test, I am a nervous wreck and can’t remember a thing.”

__ “In math class I am always confused.”

__ “Sometimes I think I understand the math question, but then I’ll get it wrong.”

__ “Even if I understand my homework, I bomb my tests.”

(If you checked one or more of these, your student may benefit from a boost in confidence, utilizing the above strategies.)

Michele Ranard is a tutor, professional counselor, and freelance writer. Her math students mean the world to her and make her very proud. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Things were not always rosy way back when
by Michele Ranard

1. No more diaper rash, nighttime feedings, or teething.
2. Time for conversations with adults and leisurely dinners.
3. Barney has left the building!
4. No one expects you to look young, unlined, or happy.
5. Ability to shave TWO legs, as opposed to one half, in the shower.
6. Naughty chairs and time-outs? History.
7. In-house experts for all things cyber.
8. Car seats and neon orange goldfish cracker crumbs disappear from SUV.
9. Kids have probably outgrown ear infections and maybe even asthma.
10. Sharing favorite ‘80s DVDs like “Breakfast Club” or “Say Anything.”
11. Bidding au revoir to space eating excersaucer, swing, and highchair.
12. Freshman baseball games slightly more engaging than tee-ball.
13. Pocketing the cash shelled out to babysitters to now blow on pedicures.
14. More uninterrupted minutes to read House Beautiful or Twilight.
15. Will not have to rinse another dang sippy cup until the grandkids visit.
16. Do not require a vacation when you return home from a family vacation.
17. 30-minute lunch with a friend won’t entail 30-minute packing of diaper bag.
18. Less humiliation in restaurants, at pediatrician, and during the sermon.
19. Living room reads slight more chic sans jewel-toned molded plastic playhouse.
20. Impossible to not be aware of what is cool, hip, and trendy.
21. Not expected to help with math homework!
22. Stitches or shots may not require straight jacket or your upper body strength.
23. Re-connecting with your inner adolescent may spell personal growth.
24. You have always wanted to take a course to learn…?
25. No more settling for JUST lipstick or JUST mascara before heading out the door.
26. Tenure as room parent (when no one else signed up) is over.
27. Built-in help for household chores, especially clearing out the frig.
28. When you sleep in, you’re still up before the kids.
29. Fewer temper tantrums at Target.
30. You and your child survived the seventh grade.
31. Still a hero every time you bake chocolate chip cookies.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

3 Secrets When Your Kid Applies to College
by Michele Ranard


That’s me reaching for the Ambien. See the man over there with the glazed over eyes smacking his head against the wall? That's my husband. We are in the throes of helping our college-bound son with the application process. We're losin' it.

We know firsthand how “getting in” can feel like a cruel test of mental and emotional stamina. How much editing help to give on the essay? Which extracurriculars appeal most to admissions officers? Which school will provide the best fit? I feel a panic attack coming on…

Probably the toughest part of the college planning process has been feeling alone in our anxiety. Many fellow parents remain tight-lipped and competitive, so it was a relief to read Getting In Without Freaking Out.
Written by Arlene Matthews, a professional college consultant, she recommends college bound students and their parents take a major chill pill. Her guide is full of practical tips for tackling college application angst. And if you are breathing, you WILL laugh.

The following are a few secrets I culled from this former psychoanalyst and personal research. Hopefully the tips will lower your blood pressure and increase your optimism. Hey. In this recession, who can turn down free therapy?

Secret #1: WHO THEY ARE Trumps Where They Go
Our society has become so competitive within the realm of parenting that many people believe where their kids attend college is reflective of the job they did raising them. I’m sure you’ve heard a version of this at a cocktail party: “William wishes he could say yes to BOTH Stanford and Yale! But one will have to make do! Fabulousness just runs in the family!”

We are all charmed by designer schools as easily as we seek brand names for bottled water. But generic is underrated, and it is simply pointless to flip out about getting your kids into the “perfect” designer school since that school does not exist. Not even in the Ivy League!

Matthews, with great comic verve likens the Ivies or “trophy schools” to “trophy wives.” While the name of a trophy school may leap out on a graduate’s resume, like a trophy wife, it can also be both expensive and notorious for putting more energy into recruiting new prospects than its students. My husband and I both attended a trophy school. She knows her stuff.

Lloyd Thacker of The Education Conservancy, a non-profit organization aiming to improve admissions, contends, “A commercialized point of view is what turns the admissions process into a game and education into a game." He also writes, “There is very little evidence that correlates the status of a college with effective educational practice. Parents need to listen to the facts, not their friends at cocktail parties."

As an expert on all things college, Matthews reminds that in the scheme of things, there is a point where college credentials cease to matter much. When the college days are history, employers in the workplace ultimately want to know what you have accomplished and whether you will continue to deliver. Think about it. There is a good chance you may not even be aware of what college your friends, co-workers, or employer attended. But you ARE cognizant of whether that friend is of strong moral character or if that co-worker has a notable work ethic. Guess I’ll wear ear plugs to the next cocktail party.

Secret #2: LATE BLOOMERS Can Be Strong Finishers
My husband and I believe we have a late bloomer on our hands. While our son is bright and multi-potentialed, he has yet to discover his niche. No published articles, patents, or a single hospital named in his honor. And yet colleges want to see his greatness demonstrated now. It is all enough to get me worked into a tizzy...or not.

After all, aren’t there plenty of seventeen and eighteen year olds just getting warmed up? Should they honestly be prepared to save the world their freshman year? Maybe deferred blooming has a silver lining. Peaking at eighteen can spell disappointment down the line. Slow starters are in good company. Matthews points out the deferred greatness of Cervantes who completed Don Quixote at age sixty-eight and Grandma Moses who began painting in her late seventies. These folks remind us finishing strong is an honorable goal for the developing student. And maybe there is still time for your secret lounge singing dream career!

Secret #3: College Admissions is as TRENDY as Denim
It used to be a widely accepted truth that kids who were bright and well-rounded were placed at the top of the application heap by admissions officers. The acronym BWRK was all the rage just a few years ago.

Then parents made the mistake of going too far pushing their kids into extracurriculars and community service, and BWRKs became bellbottoms. Who knew? Turns out colleges now prize the angular candidate who sports a sharply focused interest or talent.

But what if my kid is more flared than skinny straight? The expert says calm down. The world needs loose-fit, relaxed, and all shapes and sizes (except maybe mom jeans). Well-rounded types do well in a variety of fields from medicine to movie making, and angular types create great art and discover new technologies.

It would be truly unwise to try to package our college bound teens based on any current fad in college admissions. We should cherish and celebrate their unique shape. Jay Mathews, an education reporter for The Washington Post, suggests stressed out parents repeat the following mantra: “In America, people succeed because of the quality of their character, not the notoriety of their college.” After all, some very cool people went to some un-cool sounding colleges. A little guy named Ron Reagan went to Eureka College in Illinois, and he did okay.

Muddling through the “getting in” process requires stamina, and if you’re me, peanut butter M&Ms. But a sense of humor and keeping perspective are healthier coping alternatives than say, psychotropic drugs or pulling out your already thinning hair. Let’s face it. Worrying about college won’t increase anyone’s chances of acceptance. Deep cleansing breath – it’s about who they are, not where they go.

Michele Ranard  has two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Matthews, Arlene. Getting In Without Freaking Out. Three Rivers Press. 2006.

Thacker, Lloyd. http://www.educationconservancy.org/

Mathews, Jay. “Ten Ways to Reduce College Application Stress.” The Washington Post. July 3, 2007.

Simple Suggestions Combat Procrastination
by Michele Ranard


If you have a tween or young teen at home, chances are you sometimes sound like a broken record reminding your middle school student of the importance of studying well before the day of the math test. You find yourself preaching endlessly about allowing adequate time to rehearse that persuasive speech for English and how she should never wait until the last minute to start the required reading for social studies.

But do you practice what you preach? Do you put off housework, paying bills or getting that report into your boss’s hands before deadline?

Procrastination may be as much a part of our humanness as eating and sleeping. But what makes our adolescent kids so vulnerable? In The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off, author Rita Emmett explains that procrastination is simply a bad habit we can correct. We fall prey to the behavior when we feel overwhelmed, become distracted or feel helpless.

Perfectionism and the fear of failure
Your tween may seem lazy when she is actually overwhelmed. Sometimes the feeling is a result of perfectionism. Indeed, perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand. So if your child is fearful of failing an exam or a particular task, this anxiety may cause her to stall. She may feel stuck and unable to get mentally mobilized. Such a bad habit may continue into adulthood, jeopardizing future successes.

A consistent fear of failure can lead to a pattern of indecisive behavior that author Neil Fiore notes as a warning sign in his book The Now Habit. He also names low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness as red flags for procrastinating behavior.

But there is hope. To combat the tendency to put things off, Fiore suggests transforming the thought “I don’t want to” into “I wonder what will come?” Sounds simple enough, but the attitude adjustment is powerful. In a sense, that shift tricks the brain into a more productive mode.

Accept mistakes
It is important to help your child understand how perfectionism keeps him from greater productivity. Kids need to learn it is OK to make mistakes. Explain that “not perfect” is altogether different than “fail.” Plus, a certain comfort level with failure is necessary.

One of the best ways to foster this lesson is through modeling. Seeing parents acknowledge their own daily errors (and responding with humor and compassion for the missteps) is both a gift and permission for your tween to go for it.

Make tasks manageable
Emmett recommends helping children break overwhelming tasks into smaller chunks. If your child has an upcoming Civil War test and simply cannot get the gears in motion, help her get organized. Look at the task of test preparation as a series of baby steps. Help her make a short list for a plan of attack, such as reread two chapters of the text Monday, study notes Tuesday and Wednesday, and cover vocabulary on Thursday. Ideally, middle school teachers would teach time management, but parents can also help children learn time-management strategies.

Set expectations for homework completionParents may also influence their tween’s productivity by setting firm rules at home, offering rewards, and making lists. Do not put off making these rules. The basic rule of “no TV until your homework is done” is an obvious place to begin to curb the procrastination. Cyber time and iPod privileges may be suspended or offered as rewards for successful time management.

Make lists for everything so there can be no excuses. Adolescents are especially prone to selective forgetfulness even when rules are clearly articulated. Notes are more effective than nagging for gentle reminders of chores, appointments and expectations. Throw in some fun messages, too: “Jonas Brothers called. They said good luck on the simplifying fractions test!”

Middle school is an optimal time to help the ones you love most shed some bad habits that could trip them up in high school and beyond. It may only take a few months to see positive results and begin celebrating your more productive child.

Michele Ranard has two children, a master's in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Sidebar:

FROM PROCRASTINATING TO PRODUCTIVERita Emmett, author of The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off, has a strategy for children to take the STING out of feeling overwhelmed:

*Select one task you’ve been putting off.

*Time yourself and take one hour to accomplish the task.

*Ignore everything around you, such as the phone and other tasks

*No breaks. One hour is realistic for a middle school student.

*Give yourself a reward once the task is complete.

Helping Kids Learn the Art of Apology

by M. Ranard
750 words

I’m a broken record lately with my middle-school-aged son, John. No matter what dramatic social dilemma he happens to recount after school, I hear myself respond “If you had just apologized, you could have saved yourself some grief.”

His English teacher unduly scolds him for omitting the date on his assignment. A heated scuffle follows an accidental tripping of an uncoordinated bully in gym class. A kitchen death match ensues with his older brother who discovered his Aqua Man shirt was worn without permission.

As a professional counselor, I understand well how unresolved conflict can fester, and how a simple apology can restore relationships. However, it seems impossible for my son to utter three simple words: I am sorry. The very idea of this kind of submission causes John to break out in hives – not surprising, considering the invisible armor he piles on to stay safe within the halls of middle school. So how do we help our children appreciate the importance of apologies?

The Art of the Apology
Jennifer Thomas, Ph.D., and Gary Chapman, Ph.D., stress that apologies are important, because without them, our anger builds and pushes us to demand justice. In their book, The Five Languages of Apology, they propose that genuine forgiveness “removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time.”

The conscience, these psychologists say, is like a five gallon container strapped to your back. Each time you wrong someone, a gallon liquid is poured into the container. The weight of even a few gallons quickly grows uncomfortable. The great news is that the container can be emptied through apology.

This imagery is straightforward enough for kids, so I am anxious to share it with Jake who may especially relate right now. He just returned from a camping trip in the Boundary Waters where the last two-mile hike out of the forest was uphill carrying a 60-lb. back pack.

Thomas and Chapman suggest five steps to offering a genuine apology:

Give voice to your regret: “I am sorry.”
Accept Responsibility: “I was wrong.”
Make restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
Express repentance: “I’ll try not to do that again.”
Request forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”

When I string together the first letter of each step, the acronym GAMER emerges. Now this is an identity my x-Box crazed son embraces! I think I will tack this list to the kitchen wall to remind us all of the importance of a true “I’m sorry.” These simple words may be difficult to say, but they can heal a rift, lighten the load, and make every day more joyful.

Michele has a husband, two children, and a master's in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.