hello lovely child

“I’m sorry.” Such lovely syllables requiring so little of us, yet so HUGE in their impact. Lately I feel as if I am a broken record with my teen son. No matter what daily dramatic social dilemma he comes home and recounts after school, I hear my stressed voice whispering “If you had just apologized immediately, you could have saved yourself so much grief.”

His anger was apparent in his reddened face recently as he ranted about a scolding from his English teacher (undeservedly, he says) for omitting the date on an assignment. He was filled with righteous indignation the other day following a heated scuffle after an accidental tripping of an uncoordinated bully in P.E. And, I can attest to the intensity of a virtual kitchen death match which ensued when his older brother discovered his Aqua Man shirt was worn without permission. So much hostility and anger and so much resistance to resolve it peacefully!

When We Resist Apology

As a professional counselor, I understand well how unresolved conflict can fester. Relationships become fractured and strained. Sometimes we turn our anger inward resulting in depression and anxiety. Or the anger is directed outwardly in the form of violence, abuse, or misbehavior.

Clinical psychologist Henry Cloud, in Changes that Heal (1993) reminds us that “We must learn to use our symptoms as signs that lead us to issues. Issues can be resolved; symptoms cannot. If we resolve the issues, the symptoms will no longer have a reason to be.”

Often, an apology and submission is a step toward resolving such issues and restoring relationships. Apologies are especially challenging for my son in his present state of emotional development. The very thought of submission (which causes his eyes to roll) makes him feel vulnerable given the invisible armor he feels he must pile on daily for high school.

A Five Gallon Container

How can we as parents help our tweens and teens more deeply appreciate the power of apologies? Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, authors of The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Areas of Your Relationship (2008), stress that apologies are important, because without them, our anger builds and pushes us to demand justice. “When one’s sense of right is violated, that person will experience anger. He or she will feel wronged and resentful at the person who has violated their trust.” In their book, they propose genuine forgiveness to remove the barrier created by the offense. It is forgiveness which re-opens the door to trust.

The conscience, these psychologists say, is like a five gallon container strapped to your back. Each time you wrong someone, a gallon of liquid is poured into the container. The weight of even a few gallons quickly grows uncomfortable. Yet the great news is that the container can be emptied simply through apology.

Five Steps

Thomas and Chapman remind us “Something within us cries out for reconciliation when wrongdoing has fractured a relationship…Genuine forgiveness removes the barrier that was created by the offense and opens the door to restoring trust over time.” They suggest five steps in order to offer a genuine apology:

1. Give voice to your regret: “I am sorry.”

2. Accept Responsibility: “I was wrong.”

3. Make restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”

4. Express repentance: “I’ll try not to do that again.”

5. Request forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”

Upon stringing together the first letter of each step I noticed the acronym GAMER emerged. If you are parenting a tween or teen, perhaps this fun discovery will mean something to you as it does to me! Gamer is an identity my X-Box obsessed son embraces! I plan to tack this list to the refrigerator as a reminder of the power of apology not just for him, but for all of us. Let’s face it. Our kids need to see us modeling these steps.

Learning the art of apology is a lifelong process, but knowing that improving this skill can heal relationship fractures, lighten our load, and make every day more joyful is more than enough reason to pursue it with passion .

Michele Ranard is a mother of two teens, a professional counselor, and a freelance writer with blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com..

Resources:

Chapman, Gary and Jennifer Thomas. 2008. The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships. Northfield Publishing.

Cloud, Henry. 1993. Changes That Heal. Zondervan.

8 Awesome Unplugged Activities For Your Next Road Trip

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
530 wds

For all the ways technology streamlines our lives and widens the possibilities for news and connection, sometimes it leaves families vulnerable. With so much constant entertainment and stimulation from sources “out there,” it’s important as parents to be intentional about providing our kids opportunities to slow down, laugh together, and OMG, I’m just gonna say it: DAYDREAM.

Vacations and road trips are an ideal time to also vacation (at least for periods of time) from electronics and plugged-in distractions. But does the thought of temporarily ditching iPods and Disney DVDs terrify you? Relax. Luckily there are plenty of healthy creative unplugged activities (you may have developed amnesia forbout!) to keep kids engaged and happy during long drives with the family.

I hope you’ll consider these suggestions to create lasting memories before you even reach your destination and to connect or re-connect with the ones you cherish most.

1. Old school games with string. Supplies required: string. Your kids will think you’re a rockstar if you teach them to make “Jacob’s Ladder,” “Kitty Whiskers,” or “Cup and Saucer.” Introduce them to “Cat’s Cradle” and bask in the beauty of unplugged quiet nirvana.

2. Foil in love! Remember when shiny, reflective aluminum foil was magical to you as a kid? Give your artsy imaginative kids a cheap roll and watch them save the world. They can transform themselves into superheroes, creating masks and “power bracelets.” My sons could always be counted on to make swords, and girls often love constructing tiaras, jewelry, and headbands. It’s fun to sculpt foil into cool animals too—with no cleanup!

3. Bend it, baby. A pack of inexpensive pipe cleaners and a nail clipper will keep fidgety kids happy for long stretches of travel time. They can bend the fuzzy sticks or wrap them around pencils to form cheerful colorful creatures. The best part? When they’re satisfied with their figures, they can play imaginative games with them for more stimulating fun.

4. Cootie Catcher. Remember these things? You pick a color, then a number, and then you get to read your fortune. You only have to demonstrate for your kids once how to do this before they’ll master countless variations and stay busy for hours!

5. States and plates. Before you leave, print out a map of the U.S. so the kids can color in the states as they see license plates. They can even record the time and date they saw it.

6. It’s in the cards. Card games are especially nice for traveling because a deck is easy to transport, and there are tons of games to play. Crazy Eights and Old Maid are two possible kid pleasers.

7. Remote hide-and-seek. This imaginary guessing game is a hoot! Pick a place inside your house to hide—and here’s the fun part—it can be any size at all! A sock drawer, the dishwasher, the medicine cabinet…everybody asks questions until they narrow it down and find you.

8. Random roadside revelry. Go to the website www.roadsideamerica.com to find quirky, eccentric, touristy, places to visit. The kids will remember these nutty detours with you forever.

And they may not even miss the Wii.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Her blogs are at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

10 Tips to Save Your Sanity
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
765 wds

Even the best family summer trips can leave parents exhausted and in need of a vacation upon return. Fuel costs, highway construction, delayed flights, and airport security can rack up the stress. But trips with the kids help everyone reconnect.

With twenty years of experience as a travel journalist, Eileen Ogintz of TakingTheKids.com writes “The chance to share something new together—something you’d never see or do at home—is what makes those indelible family vacation memories that last forever.”

So how can we travel without pulling a Griswold?




1. PLAN as a clan! Kids love to be included in the trip planning so find simple tasks such as searching online for things to do in the towns you’ll visit or choosing DVDs and books to bring along.

2. PEP talk. To keep everyone feeling secure (especially if flying for the first time) break down the details. Talk about how the airports can be crowded and the way security checks work. For younger children, consider sharing a picture book such as Airport by Byron Barton.

3. PACK like a rockstar. Ogintz’s site has great tips for smarter packing:

 Reach for a scarf instead of an additional outfit.
 Lay out everything you’d like to take then choose half of those pieces.
 Pack only shirts matching more than one thing.
 Consider going completely “carry on” to avoid fees.
 Use space bags, “Pack-it Cubes,” or Ziploc plastic bags.
 Don’t pack clothes they hate.
 Pack a change of clothes in a carry-on for in-flight accidents.
 Remember laundry can be done in a hotel sink.

Sane on the Plane

4. Spy before you fly. Ogintz says be sure to read the fine print on your airline’s website before heading out the door since they all have different fees and rules. Don’t forget to pack crayons and little games to entertain them as well as a DVD player if you have one. If you’ll be traveling with a car seat, bring it on the plane so your child will be both safe and comfortable.

5. Anti-freak plan. These realistic tips from Paula Shelton, creator of FlyingWithKids.com will keep your anxiety in check while in the air with kids:

• Pack lipstick and a compact mirror. If you’re having a bad time, take two minutes to apply lipstick and give yourself a pep talk in the mirror.

• Take advantage of fast track security checks if you’re traveling with an infant.

• Be prepared to lose stuff, and don’t freak out when you do.

• Treat any time to relax as a bonus.

• Keep smiling at your kids.

• Ignore rude people—only you can know the right way to handle your child.

Prevent Woes On the Road

6. Safety first. Ogintz says get the car checked out before you leave to avoid flats, and since automobile crashes are the leading killer of kids, make sure your children have the proper restraints for their age and size. Kids weighing 40-80 pounds should use a booster seat as this will reduce the risk of serious injury by 59 percent. Make sure your phone is charged, and plan to leave at a time you won’t hit morning or rush hour traffic. Depart when you are well rested and if possible, when the kids will sleep most of the way.

7. Consider a rental. Renting a fuel efficient vehicle and driving to your destination is often more economical than flying. Ogintz recommends fuelcostcalculator.com to calculate the cost of a road trip.

8. Think comfy. Bring DVDs, treats, books, and toys to entertain them. Books on tape are great, and kids can be encouraged to “unplug” for periods of time so you can talk. Older kids can help navigate with a GPS or maps.

Peaceful Getaways

9. Pace yourself. Whether you fly or drive, upon arrival plan to chill for awhile so kids can adjust. If your vacation activities keep you active, consider eating dinner early to save on wait times and to prevent exhausted kid melt-downs in the restaurant. Have plenty of healthy snacks (Cheerios, string cheese, bananas) and water on hand for your hungry kids who may not like the food where you dine.

10. Forget trying to save the world. It’s always tempting to over-schedule with so many exciting things for the family to do and see while away. Instead, together decide on one big outing each day so that the kids don’t become over-stimulated and sleep deprived. Your vacation should include plenty of downtime where everyone is together restfully and peacefully.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Her blogs are hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Barton, Byron. Airport. Harper Collins, 1987.
Ogintz, Eileen. www.TakingTheKids.com
Shelton, Paula. www.FlyingWithKids.com

Painlessly keep math skills sharp this summer.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
615 words

I can see it now. That first morning of summer vacation, your kids will come rushing down the stairs for breakfast pleading, “Math! Sweet, dear, fractions and decimals! Please! CAN WE SOLVE EQUATIONS ALL DAY?” It could happen! Or not.

Funny thing about math—it doesn’t elicit the same excitement as say, a trip to Disney or the sound of the ice cream truck. No one seems to miss regrouping or finding place value when school’s out and the Wii beckons.

But when the school year rolls around, many students are suddenly sorry. Memory for math facts or long division may be rusty, and the rules for simplifying fractions may be history (like the ice cream man).

As a math tutor, I have found the easiest way to keep kids sharp during the summer is to stay INVOLVED. If you simply toss a workbook in front of them and disappear, chances are, it will collect more dust than completed pages. I have also discovered students have a preference to do math in the kitchen in the summer (is that because it’s a place of comfort?). Need fresh ideas for happy math kids in the sunshine?

Younger Students

*Geometry Geniuses. Drag out the container of wooden blocks, and let them have at it. Seriously! Visual discrimination and geometry skills will be sharpened, and they may have forgotten about the joy of building.

*Moto Math. Even for short commutes, give your child mental math problems to solve. You could ask, “Can you name a few ways to make seven?” or “How many cookies will I have if four friends each give me two?”

*Guess the Digit in a Minute. This can be played anytime and almost anywhere. Think of a number, give them a range, and then let them ask yes or no questions for clues (Is it even? Is it greater than 7?).

*That’s a Fact, Jack. Skip the flash cards! To practice math facts, break out the crayons, markers, fruit chews or M&Ms, and scratch paper. They practice fact families by writing four colorful sentences for each fact (2+4=6, 4+2=6, 6-2=4, and 6-4=2). The treats sit in a little pile next to the page, and they reward themselves with one treat for each completed “family.”

Older Students

*Rip, Review & Rice Krispie Treats. Snag a used textbook comparable to the one from school (eBay, Amazon, school) and tear out end of chapter “reviews” or “tests.” Answer keys are often in back. Why tear them out? A single page won’t overwhelm like the whole heavy volume can. Assign one test per week, pair it with Rice Krispy treats or a favorite snack, and supervise (maybe organize kitchen cabinets or clean out the frig while they work nearby).

*Pull a Bobby Flay. Cook or bake together, discussing quantities in the recipes. Let them do the measuring, and quiz them (How many cups in a quart? Quarts in a gallon? Ounces in a quarter pound?).

*Unplug With Abandon. Use the time as a rare tech-free opportunity to connect with your kids. Yahtzee, Uno, Othello, Top it, Mancala, Connect Four, Pentago, cribbage, and blackjack are a few possible games to play.

*Gorgeous Girly-Math. Check out Danica McKellar’s book series, “Math Doesn’t Suck” from the library. Her creative approach to engage tween and teen girls may expand her vision of math.

All Ages

*Take it to the Net. Check out sites such as www.aaamath.com, where you can click on their grade for appropriate drills. It’s fun, interactive, and painless!

Summer vacation is a wonderful time to practice math since the stress of exams and report cards no longer looms over them. Here’s hoping you’ll make the sweet summer days COUNT!

Michele Ranard is a math tutor, professional counselor, and freelancer. She has blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

How to Chat Like a Teen.

by Michele Ranard
590 words

Until recently, I must admit my textual self-esteem was rather inflated. My life is largely about words. I had always felt very Puff Chatty if you will, about my fingertip communication skills.

Not anymore.

My teen sons informed me recently that I am textually challenged, coming across as a "neurotic robot." It's confusing. I've noticed their texts to me often include redundancy and excessive laughter ("hahahahaha…um, yeah, that is hilarious.") as well as creative spelling/capitalization ("hee hee suuuuuuure, MoOoom, souNDs gROovy"). I thought I was being efficient and respectful of their time with my staccato "HA" or "K." But they tell me it is the mark of the socially-impaired who in real conversation utter the singular "HA" hence, it's awkward for texts.

I should know better than to listen to these two emo texters. Clearly they don't always have my best interests at heart. (Years ago I twisted my ankle at home and fell to the ground yelping and writhing in pain while one son studied me as if he smelled butt and the other screamed I WANT MY SANDWICH!) But I'm paranoid now about my textual dysfunction so suddenly I listen more attentively to other cool teens, delve into Twitterature, and seek out sources of cooler netspeak.

The first thing I noticed about current teen slang: everything that was formerly dope is now THE SH*T. If you have teens under the roof, you're well aware. That new band from Michigan, pink ribbon booby bracelets from Hot Topic, the awesome-fo-shawsome A.P. Chem teacher, and the way our shih tzu entertains herself for an hour chasing a balloon? All THE SH*T. Better Texting Note #1: This textual revolution must begin with THE SH*T.

Also, the best things in life are SICK. Chicken Alfredo pizza? Uh-huh. Skinny straight denim restricting circulation to the crotchal zone? Soooooo sick. YouTubes of the "Go Bwaah" variety featuring a small child launching a ball for a massive canine to fetch but forgetting to drop its leash? Epic sick. Better Texting Note #2: Texts to recipients under age 25 should incorporate youTube references and "sick."

Next I visited teenchatdecoder.com to familiarize myself with acronyms beyond OMG and NVM (never mind) which my perimenopausal fuzzy midlife brain so often struggles to decipher. Some of my new favorites include STBY (sucks to be you), SCNR (sorry could not resist), and HAHA (having a hard attack), HAHA seems risky at my age though since cardiac arrest could be for realz. I don't want my sons shooting back the inevitable WE text (whatever) if I'm code blue-ing.

(The thought just occurred that I never bothered to check who is running that decoding website. What if there are a bunch of smart aleck hackers having a good laugh at the helm and no one in their right mind actually uses these acronyms? Better Texting Note #3: Be prepared for the occasional "wha?" initially.)

Finally I skimmed urbandictionary.com where I picked up more gnarly gems sure to spice up my messages. Ever heard of a FACEBOOK BUDDHA (a FB friend who frequently posts motivational sayings)? I'm thinkin': "Don't wanna go all FB Buddha, but remember what Ghandi said about…?" could be genius. And who knew there's new slang for "the cocoon of duvets and pillows you gather around yourself to keep warm whilst spending large amounts of time on the internet?" It's an INTERNEST! But the most critical text Puff Chatty will be beaming them: "ur not RIDIN' QWERTY, rite?" (texting while driving).

And she best not get a reply.

Michele Ranard has sick blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and  hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com, two teens who never ride qwerty, and a master’s in counseling. Her guilty pleasure? Spending hours surfing the net in a billowy internest!

So much slang to decode, so little motivation.

by Michele Ranard
700 words

One of my teen son’s friends recently visited my blog (this one chock full of design obsessions and pretty photos) and declared it “eclectic and SICK.” It took me a second to realize he approved. “Sick” still immediately registers “freaky in a bad way” to this midlife brain.

When I was a teen, it was understood that by the time slang flowed from a parent’s conversation, the dialogue of a made-for-TV movie, or a novel it was DOA and without a doubt, uncool. Not so anymore.

Language Today

Implications of the net, Twitterature, and modern communication mean language on the street, in texts, and throughout pop culture reaches us immediately now. David Crystal, honorary professor of linguistics at the Bangor University and author of A Little Book of Language (2010) has great enthusiasm for the way language is changing as a result of the internet. As a lover of language, Crystal believes it’s important to be aware of how we shape language and how it shapes us.

Lately I’ve heard other parents express concern about whether texting is hurting our tweens and teens in terms of English skills. Crystal believes there is no need for parents to panic that texting is destroying our kids’ ability to spell. "We are rearing a generation of kids who are more equitable and more understanding about the existence of language variety and why it is there” he explained recently in an interview with The Independent (March 2010).

Breaking Their Code

Let’s face it, language is fun! Can you believe the average adult knows 40,000 words? If you have tweens or teens you may find their slang can sometimes magnify the generation gap. Which slang is still cool? When do we scrap over-saturated “over” terms? How to decode so many blessed acronyms?!?

Our teenagers are likely more successful at mastering slang because they have a little thing called “time.” Hopefully this sampling of current text/slang will give you a laugh and help you feel cooler.

20 Texts Decoded*

ES enough said

GPB gotta pee bad

H8 hate

HAHA having a heart attack

HHIS hanging head in shame

IK I know

JP just playing

KWIM know what I mean?

L8r see you later

PAW parents are watching

POS parents over shoulder

SCNR sorry could not resist

STBY sucks to be you

TSDMC tears streaming down my cheeks

TT2T too tired to talk

W8 wait

WAY who are you

WE whatever

WTMI way too much information

Y why?

Ten Terms Decoded**

1. COD diet: losing weight from missing meals because of playing Call of Duty (the video game, folks). “After Black Ops came out, I went back on the COD diet.”

2. Pwn (pone): video game smack talk, meaning to power own someone or something (your kids have probably used this for years).“Dude I totally pwn-ed him in Call of Duty.”

3. Facebook Buddha: a FaceBook friend who frequently posts motivational sayings. “Man, what a crappy day ahead... wonder what my Facebook Buddha friend will have to say today?”

4. Internest: the cocoon of duvets, pillows, and comfy things gathered around self to keep warm whilst spending large amounts of time on internet. “She knew eating pizza in her internest was a bad idea, but it was just too dang snuggly.”

5. Just sayin’: term used at the end of something offensive to take the heat off you when you say it. “She’s really askin’ for it wearing that skirt—just sayin’!”

6. Page clicker: an e-book that’s hard to put down. “The e-book was a real page clicker as I became so absorbed in the story.”

7. PHOBAR: acronym for “Photoshopped beyond all recognition.” “Of course she looks perfect in that profile pic, she was PHOBAR.”

8. Ridin’ qwerty: texting while driving where it’s illegal. “Sorry I couldn’t reply to your SMS, I was ridin’ qwerty.”

9. The sh*t: awesome (this article for example).

10. Strategic dipping: chip is dipped, bitten, then turned over and dipped. “I’m not double dipping! I’m strategic dipping!”

Of course, do not delude yourself into thinking that incorporating these into texts and conversations will raise your cool quotient! At best, they may increase your understanding of your teen’s secret world just a tad.

Michele Ranard has a sick blog at hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com, two teens who never ride qwerty, and a master’s in counseling—WE. Her guilty pleasure? Spending hours in a billowy internest!

Sources:

Crystal, David. A Little Book of Language. Yale University Press. 2010.
Dico, Joy Lo. “Watch what you're saying!: Linguist David Crystal on Twitter, texting and our native tongue.” The Independent. March 2010.
*Teen Chat Decoder. Teenchatdecoder.com
**Urban Dictionary. Urbandictionary.com

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
610 words

Have you noticed it’s tough getting penciled into a teen’s social calendar which is often triple-booked? If there is an adolescent living under the roof then you know it takes a little effort to not drift apart.

Meg, a good friend of mine is learning to snowboard just to find common ground with her rad kids. This shared hobby has influenced their vacation choices and keeps my friend in shape! Another mom friend inspired me when she recently said “I’m not that interested in golf, but my teen is so I’m taking lessons so we’ll be able to share it even when I’m old.”

Come Together

It’s as important as ever to make efforts to connect. Sometimes I feel all I do is service my teens and watch them disappear with the contents of my wallet! In their defense, they feel I frequently use my time with them primarily to lecture. So here are some tips for parents to create more positive connections with teens.

1. Invite them to bake. Trying a new recipe can be a riot even if your lack of culinary skill is legendary. Think of the drama and the memories! My kids help to bake yeast breads or bagels, and because of the rising time, it means they linger longer than if we were simply throwing in a pizza. It is difficult to feel moody when the whole house smells like heaven.

2. Reminisce. Whether they roll their eyes or not, teens love to hear about precious, naughty, or funny things they did as children. Keep telling the old stories and laugh at yourself when they bring up maybe not your finest hour moments.

3. Follow a sports team together. Try to have everyone home for the big game or match on TV and see your team in person if possible.

4. Shop online. It will be impossible for you not to learn a ton about your child as you both surf their favorite stores and hunt for sales. Ask about bands and/or causes they would like to support (teens are huge supporters of non-profits that sell merch to fund the cause).

5. In a word, bacon. Truly. My sons come running at the smell of bacon. I’m not clogging their arteries every day, and I don’t just serve it for breakfast. Teens show up for pork fat. They just do. So share some.

6. Submit to YouTube. Your teens are dying to introduce you hilarious videos only kids their age can discover. Laughing together is sweet relief from all the inescapable daily nagging.

7. Welcome their buds. This is one of the best ways to see more of your kids. Frequently the presence of their friends loosens them up and better facilitates certain discussions than if you were alone, so take advantage.

8. Hit the road. Sometimes to re-connect, you’ve got to put miles between your family and the daily grind. Even if it is a day trip, make the commute special and set ground rules they’ll love i.e. no lectures, arguing, or discussing sore subjects like grades and school work.

9. Create moments. Don’t wait for a birthday. Light candles and play weird music on a Wednesday when it’s just spaghetti on the menu. Bake something decadent on a random night, plating it creatively like a restaurant. Surprise them with bowling on a weeknight. Take them for a one-on-one lunch at their favorite restaurant.

10. Write a love note. Ever feel tenderness springing up but they’re not home to absorb it? Write it down. Express gratitude for them and leave the note on their pillow. Even if they don’t mention it, it matters.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two teens, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

10 Ways Parents Can Help
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
850 words

"I JUST KNOW I'M NOT GONNA DO WELL!"  You have probably heard this a few times around the house from a fretful child. But if your child seems to worry excessively, there are proactive ways to help which may not have occurred to you.

Although less serious than anxiety disorders, excessive worry is one of the most frequent problems children face. Author of The Worried Child (2004), Paul Foxman indicates children with “beyond normal but less than severe anxiety” may be shy, withdrawn, and inhibited. Sometimes anxiety is mistaken for depression, hyperactivity, or physical illness.

Common Worries

For infants and todders, common fears include loud noises, large looming objects, strangers, separation, and changes in the house. Preschoolers often fear the dark, noises at night, masks, monsters, and animals such as dogs. Typical worries for school-age children include snakes, spiders, storms, being home alone, angry teachers, failure, rejection, scary TV shows, injury, illness, doctors, shots, and death (WebMd, 2007).

Worry is often an irrational focus on unlikely events. “There is usually a discrepancy between reality and what children worry about. For example, car and bicycle injuries are more likely to occur than any other events in childhood, yet children seldom worry about having those types of injuries" Foxman explains.

Addressing Their Worry


1. Don't try to talk them out of it. No matter what your child age, author of Freeing Your Child From Anxiety (2004) Tamar Chansky suggests discussing their fears with respect. You probably already realize this if you've ever tried to reason with a young child that there is absolutely not a ghost in their closet. She advises parents to speak calmly and confidently. While complete avoidance of the fears is not the answer, neither should they be forced to do more than what feels comfortable.

2. Explain what worry is plainly. Foxman says explain anxiety by asking them to imagine they are a small animal (such as a rabbit) living in nature among predators. “When a vulnerable animal is threatened, it senses danger and hides until it is safe again. When it is safe, the rabbit relaxes and resumes normal activities.”

3. Separate anxiety from the child. Psychologist Dawn Huebner suggests teaching children to externalize worry in order to set the stage for taking control in What to Do When You Worry Too Much (2005). “Think of anxiety with a capital A, as if it were a separate entity with its own name rather than an integral part of your child.” (Bonus: the principles in her book are relevant to anxious parents as well.)

4. Introduce age-appropriate books. For emerging readers, consider sharing stories about overcoming fear. When My Worries Get to Big (2006) is a relaxation guide to recognize feelings of anxiety and teach practical strategies to control those feelings. Is A Worry Worrying You? (2007) addresses typical and not so typical childhood worries in a humorous way (worried an eagle will build a nest in your hair?). Perfectionist tweens may benefit from What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough (2007) by psychologist Thomas Greenspoon about the harmful effects of obsessing over perfection.

Worry Management Strategies

Keep these excellent techniques from Foxman, Huebner, and Chansky in mind to help your worrying child learn to effectively manage anxieties.

5. Discuss perfectionism. Your child needs to learn to be selective and make wise choices based on urgency and importance so Foxman recommends he learn “to set reasonable limits and pace his energy.” Help your child understand the difference between excellence (putting your best effort forward based on available resources) and perfection.

6. Think distraction. Even if nothing in your child’s feared situation changes, Huebner suggests playing outside and bike riding can keep your child absorbed so “there is less room for The Worry to creep back in.”

7. Frame worry as a negative habit. Help your child see worry as a negative habit, not a reasonable way to think or prepare for upcoming events. Teach them to say “so what” and get away from all or nothing thinking. Explain “Life is complex and things do not always fit neatly into categories.”

4. Teach them about second reactions. As Chansky puts it, “Managing worry means challenging the credibility of those automatic thoughts and cultivating a strong second reaction—speed dialing that voice of reason, connecting to some truth circuits, and in so doing, bringing that magnified risk down to a manageable size.”

5. Encourage assertiveness. Chansky says kids can “boss back” the worry rather than being held hostage to it.

6. Ditch feelings for facts. Replace dwelling on how awful something could be with how unlikely it would be. “When estimating the risk, go with the facts, not your feelings” advises Chansky. You can ask these two questions: How much of you feels scared something bad will happen? How much of you really believes it will happen?”

Huebner reminds parents of worried kids to stay positive and project confidence: “You are moving toward the day where you will be able to say that your child used to worry too much, but not any more.”

Michele Ranard has experience teaching children strategies to cope with anxiety. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.


Resources:

Buron, Kari Dunn. When My Worries Get Too Big! A Relaxation Book for Children Who Live With Anxiety. Autism Asperger Publishing Company, 2006.

Chansky, Tamar E. Freeing Your Child From Anxiety: Powerful, Practical Solutions to Overcome Your Child’s Fears, Worries, and Phobias. Three Rivers Press, 2004.

Foxman, Paul. The Worried Child: Recognizing Anxiety in Children and Helping Them Heal. Hunter House, 2004.

Greenspoon, Thomas S. What to Do When Good Enough Isn’t Good Enough: The Real Deal on Perfectionism: A Guide for Kids. Free Spirit Publishing, 2007.

Huebner, Dawn. What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety. Magination, 2005.

Stuart, Annie. “Childhood Fears and Anxieties: Experts Describe How Parents Can Help When Their Child is Afraid.” WebMD. http://children.webmd.com/features/childhood-fears-anxieties. April 2007.

Wolff, Ferida. Is a Worry Worrying You? Tanglewood Press, 2007.

We all want to provide our preschoolers with opportunities leading to later academic success. But as well meaning parents sometimes we’re vulnerable to thinking “inside information” or alternative fast tracks will get us there.

Research and advice from early childhood experts on emerging literacy are more reliable than the latest hype. The advice doesn’t often have a sexy ring to it, but these professionals suggest the best foundation—those steps that lead your child to the point she’s ready to read—comes from daily experiences at home.

Two Opportunities to Seize

In his Children’s Learning Opportunities Report (2000) Carl Dunst conceptualizes the opportunities for language development and early literacy in terms of incidental and intentional opportunities.

Incidental opportunities might include watching leaves blow while on a walk, blowing on food when it’s too hot, or talking about body parts during bath time. Intentional activities might include story hour at the library or a trip to the zoo. Dunst says children need activity settings matched to their interests and competencies to practice existing skills and learn new abilities. He suggests:

TIP #1: Identify your young child’s INTERESTS:

• What makes your child smile or laugh?

• What makes your child happy and feel good?

• What are your child’s favorite things?

• What is enjoyable to your child?

• What does your child work hard at doing?

TIP #2: Identify your young child’s COMPETENCIES:

• What gets and keeps your child’s attention?

• What is your child good at doing?

• What “brings out the best” in your child?

• What does your child like to do a lot?

• What gets your child to try new things?

Everyday Learning Gives Them an Edge

It’s the everyday stuff! Repetition during meal time, bath time, diaper changes, and bedtime story routines primes young children for later school success. Sound lazy or too simple? It’s huge. Rosenkoetter and Barton’s Bridges to Literacy (2002) encourages parents to think of building bridges to literacy by providing experiences that include print, responsiveness, repetition, modeling and motivation, and oral language.

TIP #3: Think PRINT.

Reading time may be brief but must happen everyday. Learning helps kids explore new worlds, laugh across generations, and learn about amazing and ordinary things. Sharing stories can be a balm for irritable or fussy children. Rosenkoetter and Barton indicate “Shared reading also provides security and calms children’s restlessness.” Reading together should be relaxing and fun. It is not just about the exposure to language, it’s about creating happy reading memories which set the stage for a love of reading.

TIP #4: Stay RESPONSIVE.

For early literacy, you want your child to learn: language is fun, she can do it well, and she can get results from using it. When your child speaks, help her feel successful by giving her the attention and lots of positive affirmation.

TIP #5: Provide REPETITION with routine schedules.

Provide routine schedules that use familiar phrases (such as “let’s have some lunch” or “scrub-a-dub-dub”) and cues at key times during the day. Nap and bedtime routines should be kept the same, and reading the same book over and over helps strengthen the foundation for later academic success.

TIP #6: Be a consistent MODEL and MOTIVATOR.

It’s important that your child sees you reading. “Such routines demonstrate that reading is important in the lives of older people and draws attention to the value of reading for coping with everyday life.” At home, point out that you are reading the newspaper or a recipe. On car rides, be intentional as you point out signs on the road or the names on store fronts. It’s also important to write and draw with your child. “When children draw pictures, their verbal comments should regularly be written on the page and read aloud.”

TIP #7: Use ORAL LANGUAGE.

Quantity matters so talk a lot. You want to expose your child to as many words an hour as possible. Talk to your child during work and play. Chit chat has a big payoff and translates into broader vocabularies and higher levels of reading later.

In Learning to Read the World (Zero to Three, 2004) Rosenkoetter and Knapp-Philo write “From this foundation of basic learning and subsequent daily explorations with everyday people and objects, the young child builds many other understandings of self and others…young children begin to ‘read their world’ and to have wider and greater impact upon it.”

As parents we can help them read their world long before they learn to read.

Michele Ranard has been helping students and families as an academic tutor for a decade. She has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Dunst, Carl. “Everyday Children’s Learning Opportunities: Characteristics and Consequences.” Children’s Learning Opportunities Report, Volume Two, Number One. 2000.

Rosenkoetter, S.E., and Barton, L. (2002) Bridges To Literacy: Early Routines That Promote Later School Success. Zero To Three.

Rosenkoetter, S.E., and Knapp-Philo, J. (2004). Learning to read the world: Literacy in the first 3 years. Zero to Three (25)1.

Ever spent an exhausting day at a theme park with your kids and arrived home to hear someone whine “I’M BORED?" Maybe they use the b-word whenever the topic of school comes up.

I feel your pain. Here’s what you need to know about boredom.

Behind the Boredom

Current research indicates the state of the brain during boredom actually looks more like a busy bee than a lazy bum. In a recent study in Applied Cognitive Psychology (2009) psychologist Jackie Andrade says when people are bored they actually have high levels of brain activity. "When you're bored, you think nothing much is going on, but actually your brain is looking for something to do" writes Andrade. She says the brain is designed to constantly process information and when it encounters a lack of stimulation, there is a problem. Ah! This explains the post-amusement park whine fest, does it not?

Boredom Buster #1:

Doodle! Her experiments demonstrate that doodling actually helps in a state of boredom. Doodling diminishes the need for daydreaming and aids in concentration (you always knew penciling little circles and triangles during boring phone calls and board meetings was helpful!). The ramifications for classroom doodling are intriguing. However, if your child’s complaints of boredom are frequent and his grades are slipping, the answer is likely more complex than idle scribbles.

The Art of Entertaining (Themselves) at Home

Parenting expert and author of Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (2009) Michele Borba blames overstimulation, micromanagement, and scheduling for why kids struggle to enjoy their own company and entertain themselves. Borba is keen on introducing kids to choices, taking baby steps, and weaning them from supervision.

Boredom Buster #2:

Teach Solitary Unplugged Play. Specific activities (puzzles, solitaire) depend on the child’s age. Borba says “First show how to do the game together. Next watch and guide to ensure he knows the rules. Finally, wean him from you being there.” Is there any solo activity better than a good book? Stock up at the library and encourage reading. Help your child choose a hobby that is the right match whether that’s playing guitar, knitting, drawing, photography, or cooking. Borba reminds parents that “Hobbies not only nurture a child’s talent, but also become a wonderful relaxer and can last a lifetime!”

Boredom Buster #3:

Breathe Fresh Air. Send them outside! Beat boredom while at the same time optimizing social, emotional, cognitive, and physical development. Some kids need to be nudged out the door. Have a container with balls, marbles, jacks, hoola hoops, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, pails, and shovels accessible. My own kids entertained themselves outside for hours with a simple mini basketball hoop and a foam ball. Even a simple spoon works to dig in the dirt—but many kids need to be reminded! Borba recommends boxes—glorious cardboard boxes—to provide hours of fort building play.

Boredom at School

If your child tells you he is bored in class, it’s important to discuss how school work is WORK and not meant to be entertaining. That said, sometimes boredom masks a completely different issue such as disinterest, academic struggle, lack of challenge, or conflict with a teacher. In turn, these obstacles to learning may trigger underachievement, low grades, or a diminished self-image. As a professional tutor, I have learned that when students complain of boredom, it’s often necessary to dig deeper.

Boredom Buster #4:

Explore Whether Boredom is Masking Disinterest or Fear. It is important for kids to play an active role in the partnership of learning so discuss the difference between boredom and lack of interest. Boredom can mask feelings of failure. When a child falls behind, it may be easier to fake disengagement than claim defeat. If demands at school weigh on him, offer encouragement and work with teachers and tutors.

What Teachers Say About Boredom

Be prepared to hear the truth from teachers. Teacher Laurel Bryan indicates, “Some kids use ‘bored’ as an excuse to be lazy when they need to be empowered to do more.” Bryan wisely recommends explaining that not every subject in school will be their favorite, “But it is their personal challenge to find the interesting hidden within that subject, be active participants in the process, and take ownership for their learning.”

Boredom Buster #5:

Present Choices. One of schoolteacher Jane Klein’s secret weapons is to offer choices. “If I can think of two or more choices that I can live with and present them to the student, they feel empowered by having the responsibility of choice, and I get what I want.”

Fear Not Boredom!

Other experts recommend parents relax and not be fearful of their kids’ boredom. Authors of I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy! (2008) Aaron Cooper and Eric Keitel say one of the mistakes parents often make is assuming boredom for children is the enemy and is a symptom of unhappiness.

Boredom Buster #6:

“Don’t be afraid of boredom. Don’t think you have to remedy your kids’ moments with a buffet of activity choices. ‘I’m bored’ often serves as the prelude to the exercise of imagination and creativity, an opportunity for play.”

Michele Ranard is a private tutor who understands bored kids. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Andrade, Jackie. “What Does Doodling Do?” Applied Cognitive Psychology (Feb 27 2009). http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/122205124/abstract

Borba, Michele. The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. Jossey-Bass, 2009.

Cooper, Aaron and Eric Keitel. I Just Want My Kids to Be Happy! Why You Shouldn’t Say it, Why You Shouldn’t Think it, What You Should Embrace Instead. Late August Press, 2008.