hello lovely child

10 Tips to Help Because Names Really Do Matter.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
730 words



Are you or someone close to you expecting a baby? Congratulations! Choosing a name is one of the most thrilling and potentially stressful duties on your long list of preparations. Stressful because names matter!

Expectant parents today are much more adventurous in terms of naming their children. There are endless trendy, traditional, Biblical, and unorthodox picks to choose from, yet it still seems many parents remain reluctant to break away from the pack in choosing a name for their baby. That’s why maternity floors are full of bassinets marked “Madison” and “Jake.”

The Beauty of Traditional Names

While traditional names may sometimes lack “cool factor,” they make up for it with their solid history. Author of Bring Back Beatrice! Jennifer Griffin would like to see more folks choose traditional names and not feel shy about ignoring trends. Griffin says good names are “names that will stand the test of time, reflect your values, and bring joy to your child” and that “You can’t go wrong with something traditional, no matter how popular the name becomes.”

Since trendy names get vogue for awhile then disappear, it is a good idea to think long and hard before using them. Traditional names are not always in vogue, but Griffin compares them to heirlooms. In other words, even if a traditional name like Emma rises in popularity, since it has stood the test of time, Griffin says your child will be better off in a classroom full of Emmas than a classroom full of a trendy name that fell from favor.

Smokin’ Hot Right Now

* Names with exotic letters. Especially X, Y, Z, J, K, V, and W. Names with more than one of these letters are fashionable right now. Examples: Maddox, Vivienne, Elijah, Olivia, Wyatt.

* Old New England names. Examples: Hannah, Sophia, Noah, Benjamin, Gabriel.

* Unisex names. Examples: Peyton, Jorday, Taylor.

* Frankennames. Mashed up names like Ashlynn, Jayla, and Kyler.

* Names from pop-culture. Characters on TV and in films as well as the names of actors.

10 Tips To Decide On the Best Name

After reading Griffin’s book, I came away with a newfound respect for the baby naming process. These are her suggestions organized in ten smart tips.

1. Give your child a tie to the past. Consider family names of beloved relatives and cultural traditions.

2. The big three. Will the name stand the test of time, reflect your values, and bring joy to your child?

3. Think meaning. Think about how you will answer your child when he asks you someday why you chose his name.

4. Think nicknames. If you’re torn between a traditional and trendy name, one option is to use the trendy name as a nickname.

5. Think contrast. “Better to pair two or three-syllables with a single-syllable last name or a short first name with a long last name.”

6. Consider the American Express card test. Rule out names that are too long to fit on plastic.

7. Think monograms. RAT doesn’t look great embroidered on a spa robe.

8. Consider the school playground. You can probably remember certain kids who were teased mercilessly because of their name.

9. Don’t forget your last name. The name needs to make sense with your last name. If your last name is long, complicated, or exotic, it may be wise to give your baby a short and easy first name.

10. You don’t have to sacrifice the trendy name you love. If there’s a trendy or unorthodox name you adore, use it for a middle name.

Does the Name You Like Pass the Flaky Test?

This is excellent advice from Bring Back Beatrice! because it is grounded in reality and puts into perspective for parents that their little bundle of joy is going to be an adult someday with a real job. Here are three of Griffin’s tests for flakiness.

*"Imagine your child saying 'Ladies and gentleman, I’d like to welcome you aborad the aircraft. I’m your captain…'"

*"Imagine your doctor tells you that you need to see a specialist about your condition and hands you a business card. Imagine your child’s name on that card with a medical specialty below it."

*"Imagine a political advertisement with your child facing the camera saying, 'I’m…and I endorse this message.'"

The writer? Agonized with her husband for days in the hospital when their second child was born before finding peace with the Biblical name they chose. She has a master’s in counseling, a freelance writing career, and blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:
Griffin, Jennifer. 2011. Bring Back Beatrice! Workman.

12 Good Reasons to Let Us Eat Cake

by M. Ranard
370 words

It’s the little things, as they say. Those assorted small victories—triumphs even—that only fellow moms can truly appreciate and equate with baked goods. I’ve come up with a list of personal favorites that are decidedly one-off, and sure, a bit twisted but always keepin’ it real. And if you can claim these mom victories, then it’s only fitting you get your just desserts. I mean props. Okay, desserts AND props! Deal?

The point of composing a list of triumphs for moms is (a) because many awesome mommy coups somehow get overlooked and (b) to supply you with a chuckle because life can be hard. If like me you occasionally experience seasons of feeling discouraged or a lack of gratitude, perhaps your brain needs tickling. Maybe you need a nudge to recover laughter again. These TRIUMPHS may be just the ticket:

1. You dragged yourself to the market to buy half and half for the kids’ french toast as opposed to lazily substituting that frozen breast milk.

2. You got through the entire day without being barfed on once.

3. Even though it was a temptation, you did NOT ask the delivery man to “please please just keep an eye on my baby in the exersaucer for 4 minutes while I shower.”

4. You remembered to empty your teen’s pockets of an iPhone and his 4th school I.D. before throwing in a load of laundry.

5. After helping your 5th grader prepare for the physical science exam, no one required traction or reconstructive surgery.

6. Everyone under the roof has clean underwear for tomorrow.

7. One of your kids commented “Your eyes don’t have that scary bugged out look like yesterday, mommy.”

8. You did not accidentally impale yourself on a transformer carelessly left near that puddle of urine you slipped on entering the loo.

9. Appearing relaxed and put together at storyhour at the library, no one complimented you on the "adorable grandchild."

10. When your 7th grader brought home his midterm grades, you didn’t respond with “we’re going to have to let you go.”

11. Your facebook status sounds nothing like Charlie Sheen’s.

12. Your slice of chocolate cake and last diet soda remained hidden the entire day.

M. Ranard has three backup stashes of Peanut Butter M&Ms, a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Simple suggestions to increase productivity and reduce nagging!

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
750 words

If you live with a tween or teen, it’s likely you have a procrastinator under the roof and an equally likely chance you are now an expert at nagging. Does this sound like you?

“You can’t wait until the night before the math test to cram!”


“If you don’t start rehearsing that speech on Anne Frank, you’ll choke!”


“Get going on that required reading on the Executive branch!”

A Nasty Habit

Procrastination may be as much a part of our humanness as eating and sleeping, but adolescent kids seem especially vulnerable. In The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off, Rita Emmett explains procrastination is simply a bad habit we can correct. We fall prey to the behavior when we feel overwhelmed, become distracted or feel helpless.

Here’s the rub about their procrastinating and our nagging—are we actually practicing what we preach? Or are we guilty of putting off housework, bill paying, and turning in the report before deadline?

Perfectionism: Procrastination’s BFF

Your adolescent child may seem lazy when she is actually overwhelmed. Sometimes the feeling is a result of perfectionism as it goes hand in hand with procrastination. If your child is fearful of failing an exam or a particular task, such anxiety may cause her to stall. She may feel stuck and unable to become mentally mobilized. The bad habit may continue into adulthood, jeopardizing future successes.

A consistent fear of failure can lead to a pattern of indecisive behavior author Neil Fiore notes as a warning sign in The Now Habit. He also identifies low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness as red flags for procrastinating behavior.


1. Trick your brain.

There is hope. To combat the tendency to put things off, Fiore suggests transforming the thought “I don’t want to” into “I wonder what will come?” Sounds simple, but the attitude adjustment is powerful. In a sense, that subtle shift tricks the brain into a more productive mode.

2. Get comfy with mistakes.

Help your child understand how perfectionism stops him from greater productivity. Kids need to learn it is OK to make mistakes. Explain that “not perfect” is altogether different than “fail.” Plus, a certain comfort level with failure is necessary.

3. Model a healthy response to errors.

One of the best ways to get more comfortable about accepting mistakes is through modeling. Seeing parents acknowledge their own daily errors (and responding with humor and compassion for the missteps) is both a gift and permission for your tween to go for it.

4. Think smaller chunks.

Emmett recommends helping children break overwhelming tasks into smaller chunks. If your child has an upcoming Civil War test and simply cannot get the gears in motion, help her get organized. Look at the task of test preparation as a series of baby steps. Help her make a short list for a plan of attack, such as reread two chapters of the text Monday, study notes Tuesday and Wednesday, and cover vocabulary on Thursday. Ideally, middle school teachers would teach time management, but parents can also help children learn time-management strategies.

5. Set expectations for homework completion.

Parents can influence their tween’s productivity by setting firm rules at home, offering rewards, and making lists. Do not put off making these rules. The basic rule of “no TV until your homework is done” is an obvious place to begin to curb the procrastination. Screen time may be suspended or offered as rewards for successful time management.

6. Make lists like a bandit.

Make lists for everything so there can be no excuses. Adolescents are especially prone to selective memory even when rules are clearly articulated. Notes are more effective than nagging for gentle reminders of chores, appointments and expectations. Throw in some fun messages, too: “Megan Fox called. She said good luck on the simplifying fractions test!”

7. Remove the STING from feeling overwhelmed.

A great strategy from Emmett’s book:

*Select one task you’ve been putting off.
*Time yourself and take one hour to accomplish the task.
*Ignore everything around you, such as the phone and other tasks
*No breaks. One hour is realistic for a middle school student.
*Give yourself a reward once the task is complete.


M. Ranard is the queen mother of two princes of procrastination. She has a master’s in counseling, a freelance writing career, and blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Emmett, Rita. 2002. The Procrastinating Child: A Handbook for Adults to Help Children Stop Putting Things Off. Walker and Company.

Fiore, Neil. 2007. The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play. Tarcher.

8 Tips to help your child without a workbook or tutor!

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
800 words

As a professional tutor, I meet with many distressed parents who aren’t sure where to turn when they learn their child is a struggling reader. While they are motivated to confront the issue, they rarely recognize their own role and ability to be instrumental to their child’s reading achievement.

What is the single most important step parents can take at home for remedial reading help or to enrich their child’s reading?

The Secret is Reading Aloud

Read aloud with your kids absolutely every opportunity available. Make the opportunities happen. Not only will hearing stories allow your child to experience different forms of language, rhythm, and sound, it will inform them on topics they would not otherwise learn about. Hearing your pleasant voice reading (not lecturing, not nagging) is calming and lends itself to a chance for connection. Here are some of my favorite tips for getting the most from story time.

1. Lose the insecurity that you’re not an entertaining reader.

It may seem counter-intuitive, but you honestly don’t even have to be a good reader to be effective. In fact, if you are a slower reader, this could actually be more beneficial to your child. She will hear the words more clearly.

2. Choose engaging material to read.

It is okay if you are not a naturally theatrical person, but reading aloud is not a time to be a shy performer with your kids. For younger children, select fun to read books with repetitive phrases and rhymes so kids can begin to join in and finish your sentences. Read with feeling and emotion. Pause in areas it makes sense for children to anticipate what is coming next. Let yourself get silly or dramatic.

3. Make connections consistently outside of the story.

Good readers don’t just stay focused on the words and plot of the story they are reading. They think about connections outside of the story to better comprehend what they are presently processing and reading. You can help your child develop this habit by pausing at moments and asking questions. For example, “James in our story thinks he would rather be a kangaroo. What do we know about kangaroos?”

4. Begin reading aloud before their first birthday.

Your baby is not too young for books! Focusing on pictures helps eye muscle development, and each time babies hear a word, it becomes more securely anchored in memory. You will never regret making time to read aloud.

5. Never underestimate the power of board books.

Have lots of board books on hand and in the toy box for toddlers. Brightly illustrated books without words are excellent for making up stories, pointing to objects, and repeating vocabulary. Let your preschooler imagine and recite a story about the pictures to you. Board books build fine motor skills as well, and kids find great pleasure in turning the pages.

6. Acknowledge that you must make time to read.

Many parents cannot see how they will possibly squeeze more reading from their busy lives. But you must realize it is simply too important to neglect. Research reveals consistently that preschoolers who are exposed to lots of books and conversation perform better at school.

To find more time for reading, you may have to subtract something from the family’s daily routine. Instead of watching TV before bedtime or rest time, reach for a book. Develop a habit of stopping at the library regularly—perhaps each time you go to the grocery store or every Saturday morning.

7. Read to them regardless of their age and even if they’re not struggling.

Reading aloud helps your children develop a love for literacy. As parents, we need to keep encouraging older kids to read. With older children, read books together—you’ll be surprised how much joy this brings you both. Sometimes tweens become temporarily turned off to reading and forget the magic of books they are missing. Think about reading together the latest series made into films so you can discuss discrepancies and casting choices.

8. Practice what you preach.

It’s important that you model reading for them. If you set an example and allow your kids to catch you reading—even if it’s a recipe or magazine—you’ll be setting the stage for compliance. We all get too much screen time, especially just before bed, and quiet time spent reading is a much healthier way to unwind.

Child literacy expert Nicola Morgan writes, “If something isn’t fun, children won’t do it. And they have BRILLIANT ways of avoiding what they don’t want to do: such as pretending they can’t. Or making you feel guilty. If your child doesn’t enjoy it, he won’t try. If he finds it hard, he will think he is not good at it. Your job is to make it fun and easy.”

M. Ranard has a master’s of education degree and is passionate about helping students become better readers. She is a freelance writer with blogs at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

70-word sidebar/AWESOME READ-ALOUDS


Preschoolers

Have You Seen My Cat? by Eric Carle

The Stars Will Shine by Cynthia Rylant

Sheep in a Jeep by Margot Apple

Lower Grades

Freckle Juice by Judy Blume

The Unfinished Angel by Sharon Creech

Million Dollar Throw by Mike Lupica

Middleschool

Scat by Carl Hiaasen

Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli

Granny Torrelli Makes Soup by Sharon Creech

Highschool

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

Leviathan by Scott Westerfield

Resources:
Morgan, Nicola. The Child Literacy Centre. www.childliteracy.com.

6 Ways to Minimize Your Child’s Risk for Eating Disorders

M. Ranard, M.Ed.
730 words

Seated on the floor with legs stretched out before her, my perfectly proportioned and petite eight year old niece recently gazed at her bare legs and sighed, “My thighs are fat!”

My friend Eileen’s son is thirteen with washboard abs from swimming but asks his mother far too often for the number of calories on his dinner plate.

Eating Disorders on the Rise

Such everyday scenarios reflect our children’s growing sensitivity to body image and weight issues. The media is saturated with unrealistic and unattainable body shapes, and our children are more vulnerable than ever to such images.

Unfortunately, the incidence of eating disturbances is increasing among children and teens across America. However, as parents we can play a major part in lowering their risk.

The National Eating Disorders Association reports the onset of eating disorders is usually in adolescence, but even KINDERGARTENERS can exhibit symptoms! So from an early age, parents should engage children in discussions of healthy bodies and healthy eating.

Symptoms

Anorexia Nervosa is a refusal to maintain a minimally normal weight for height, fear of gaining weight, and preoccupation with weight and body shape. Consequences of anorexia are muscle loss, weakening of the heart, osteoporosis, dehydration, and hair loss.

Bulimia Nervosa is over-eating in secret followed by compensatory behavior (self-induced vomiting or use of diuretics). Bulimics often fast, exercise compulsively, and become overly concerned with weight and shape. Consequences include heart irregularity due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal issues, ulcers, and tooth decay.

Binge Eating Disorder involves binge eating with an absence of compensatory behaviors. Consequences for health are the same as for obesity and include risk of diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease.

Who Develops an Eating Disorder?

The NEDA estimates that 11 million Americans struggle with an eating disorder.

University of Minnesota Professor Dianne Neumark-Sztainer, an expert on eating disturbances in adolescence, identifies three types of risks for developing an eating disorder:

1. Poor body image/low self-esteem.
2. Messages in the environment that thin bodies are most attractive.
3. Dieting or binging.

Dr. Neumark-Sztainer suggests eating disorder prevention should begin at a very young age and writes “early messages can be as simple as learning to feel good about your body.”

Six Prevention Strategies

1. Stress health, not weight. Help your child develop a better body image by consistently stressing health, not thinness. In my niece’s case, her mother explained her thighs were “just right” and how not everyone’s legs look quite the same.

2. Explain the big payoff for sports. Talk to your kids about the importance of exercise, and encourage them to participate in team sports. Current research indicates athletes feel better about their bodies and weight than non-participants.

3. Model healthier behaviors yourself. Do not call yourself fat or talk negatively about your own body. If you are trying to lose weight, let your child know you are doing so to improve your health. You should avoid skipping meals and diet pills and instead model healthy eating and good exercise habits.

Eileen realized her adolescent son was influenced by hearing her count points for the Weight Watchers program. It was necessary to educate him about the program and the reasons he needed to consume many more calories than weight watching adults.

4. Teach your child self-respecting strategies for coping with negative emotions and stress. Talking it out, exercise, meditation, music, counseling, or prayer are a few healthy alternatives to overeating.

5. Eat healthy meals at home. Dr. Neumark-Sztainer writes “family meals can play a major role in preventing eating disorders, especially in adolescent girls.”

6. Discuss images in magazines and on television that present unrealistic bodies. We need to help boys and girls understand (and laugh!) at these unattainable images in the media. Adolescent girls are especially vulnerable to fashion magazines. A study by Kimberly Vaughan and Gregory Fouts actually linked the relationship of decreased eating disorder symptoms to decreased magazine reading!

Explain to your child that professional athletes and actresses like Halle Berry or Keira Knightley often workout for many hours daily to maintain such low weight. Help your child to understand genetics and the fact that healthy bodies are not one size fits all.

If your child’s poor body image or low self-esteem concerns you, talk to a counselor or medical professional. For more information about eating disorders, contact the National Association of Eating Disorders (http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/) toll-free helpline at 800-931-2337.

M. Ranard is a professional counselor, an academic tutor, and a freelance writer. Visit her blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.


Resources:

The National Association of Eating Disorders, www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, toll-free helpline, 800-931-2337
The Center for the Advancement of Health, www.cfah.org
Interview of Dr. Neumark (www.cfah.org)
“What’s the best thing we can do for our kids” www.discoverumn.edu
“Changes in television and magazine exposure and eating disorder symptomatology.” Vaughan, Kimberley K. and Fouts, Gregory T. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, Oct., 2003.

Stay sane through the process.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
795 words

When it comes to college applications, I know firsthand how “getting in” can feel like a cruel test of mental and emotional stamina. How much editing help should parents give for the essay? Which extracurriculars appeal most to admissions officers? Which school provides the best fit?

Feeling Stressed and Alone

Probably the most challenging part of the college planning process has been feeling alone in the anxiety. Many fellow parents remain tight-lipped and competitive, so it was a relief to fine Getting In Without Freaking Out by Arlene Matthews.

A professional college consultant, Matthews says college bound students and their parents need to take a major chill pill. Her guide is full of practical tips for tackling college application angst, and if you have vocal chords, you WILL laugh.

The following are smart secrets to lower your blood pressure and increase your optimism from her guide and my personal experience. Think of it as free therapy!

SMART SECRET #1: College Admissions is TRENDY.

It used to be that kids who were bright and well-rounded were placed at the top of the application heap by admissions officers. The acronym BWRK was the rage just a few years ago. Then parents made the mistake of going too far pushing their kids into extracurriculars and community service, and BWRKs fell from favor. Turns out colleges now prize angular candidates who sport a sharply focused interest or talent.

Whether your child is well-rounded or angular, rest easy knowing the planet needs all shapes and sizes. Well-rounded types do well in a variety of fields from medicine to movie making, and angular types create great art and discover new technologies.

Instead of trying to package your teen based on current admission fads, you should cherish and celebrate their unique shape. Jay Mathews, an education reporter for The Washington Post, suggests stressed out parents repeat this mantra: “People succeed because of the quality of their character, not the notoriety of their college.”

SMART SECRET #2: It’s Who They Are, Not Where They Go.

Some very successful people attended some un-cool sounding colleges (A little guy named Ron Reagan went to Eureka College in Illinois and sort of did okay). Our society has become so competitive within the realm of parenting that many people believe where their kids attend college is reflective of the job they did raising them. Ever heard a version of this at a cocktail party? William wishes he could say yes to BOTH Stanford and Yale! Fabulousness just runs in the family!

We are all charmed by designer schools, but generic is underrated, and it is simply pointless to flip out about getting your kids into the “perfect” designer school since that school does not exist. Not even in the Ivy League!

Matthews, with great comic verve likens the Ivies or “trophy schools” to “trophy wives.” While the name of a trophy school may leap out on a graduate’s resume, like a trophy wife, it can also be both expensive and notorious for putting more energy into recruiting new prospects than its students.

Lloyd Thacker of The Education Conservancy, contends, “A commercialized point of view is what turns the admissions process into a game...There is very little evidence that correlates the status of a college with effective educational practice. Parents need to listen to the facts, not their friends at cocktail parties."

Matthews reminds that in the scheme of things, there is a point where college credentials cease to matter. When the college days are history, employers in the workplace want to know what you have accomplished and whether you will continue to deliver. You may not even be aware of what college your friends, co-workers, or employer attended. But you ARE cognizant of whether your friend has strong moral character or if your co-worker has a notable work ethic.

SMART SECRET #3: Late Bloomers Can Finish Strong.

If you have a late bloomer, you may feel concerned. Maybe your child is bright and multi-potentialed but has yet to discover his niche. Perhaps he has no published articles, patents, or a single hospital named in his honor. What is frustrating is sensing that colleges want to see greatness demonstrated now.

The reality is there are plenty of teenagers just getting warmed up. Deferred blooming may also have a silver lining. After all, peaking at eighteen may spell disappointment down the line. Matthews points out the deferred greatness of Cervantes who completed Don Quixote at age sixty-eight and Grandma Moses who began painting in her late seventies. History reminds us finishing strong is honorable.

Muddling through “getting in” requires stamina, maybe some chocolate, and a sense of humor. Let’s face it. Worrying won’t appease the admissions gods or increase anyone’s chances of acceptance. So arm yourself with reality-based facts instead.

M. Ranard has a husband, two teens, and a master’s in counseling. Her blogs are hellolovelychild.blogspot.com and hellolovelyinc.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Matthews, Arlene. Getting In Without Freaking Out. Three Rivers Press. 2006.
Thacker, Lloyd. www.educationconservancy.org
Mathews, Jay. “Ten Ways to Reduce College Application Stress.” The Washington Post. July 3, 2007.

Help them develop a healthier mindset to thrive during challenges

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
835 words

A few years back, my first-grader stepped off the school bus in tears. The words he squeaked out between sobs cut me to the soul. He said, “My teacher hates my reading ‘cause I’m stupid.”

It was the start of the school year, and he had been placed in remedial reading—a group of five students, pulled from the classroom for specialized instruction with a reading specialist. When I asked around, it seemed my son was the only student struggling with self-image over the placement. So why do certain children fall apart when faced with negative evaluation while others seem to roll with the punches?

A Fixed Mindset

Part of the answer may be due to what Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck refers to as a fixed mindset. Due to the interaction of genetics and environment, some children react with more hopelessness than others. Since academic success at school is evaluated pass/fail, some children may be reinforced to regularly think in narrow terms and constantly monitor themselves, “Am I a winner or a loser? Will I succeed or fail?”

In Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Dweck writes “People with a fixed mindset believe that their traits are just given…and nothing can change that.” Here are some indications your child may have a fixed mindset:

 They worry excessively about their inadequacy.

 They believe intelligence/athletic ability/talent are fixed traits rather than qualities which can be developed.

 They are compelled to prove themselves over and over because of a strong need to confirm that they are smart, athletic, or talented in every situation.

 They over-focus on judging.

 They often react with hopelessness.

Responding to a Fixed Mindset

Be careful how you praise your child. Believe it or not, Dweck says praise, more than criticism contributes to fixed mindsets in children. If you repeatedly praise your daughter for being smart, she may grow to expect that school work will come easy. If she goes on to encounter failure in math or reading, this failure may feel like proof she is not smart as you characterized her.

Praise more effectively. Dweck recommends that when your child brings home an excellent grade you should avoid making comments of the variety “Wow, you are smart!” Instead, reference her effort and the pay off. “You worked so hard on that subject, and this is a great reward for it.”

Educate them about intelligence. If your child bombs a test or comes home with a disappointing report card and says “I’m dumb” it is important that you explain how tests and report cards are indicators of performance but not intelligence. Children need to understand that hard work and extra help can lead to greater success. It may also help to have a conversation about emotional intelligence and the value of it to their life’s success.

7 Ways to Help Them Develop a Growth Mindset

1. Upgrade to a growth mindset. The alternative to believing there is nothing you can do with the cards you have been dealt is called a “Growth mindset.” Within this mentality “the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development.”

2. Think PET. Growth mindset thinkers recognize people can grow and succeed through Personal effort, Experience, and Training. Dweck notes that when kids think the qualities they desire are attainable their passion is sparked for learning.

3. Ask, don’t judge. Without a growth mindset, when your child struggles with school their self-image may be at risk. Fixed mindsets focus on judging (“This means I’m dumb,” “This means I’m a bad kid”) so a shift to a growth mindset needs to occur. A child’s inner voice could ask instead, “What can I learn from this?” or “How can I improve?” Dweck says developing this mindset “allows people to thrive during the most challenging times of their lives.”

4. Help them heighten their sensitivity to negative self-talk. When kids grow more aware of what their fixed mindset is telling them (“Face it—you’ve got no talent!”), they will be in a better position to do something to change that internal monologue. Talk to them about the ways their self-judgments hold them back.

5. Explain alternative ways to evaluate themselves. In the face of failure, there is always more than one response available. If they bomb a math test after studying hard, “You’re a horrible math student” is only one potential reaction.

6. Teach them to talk back! They will love this. Rather than allowing a fixed mindset to drag them down—they should talk back to the voice who says they are not good enough. Encourage them to embrace a growth mindset which, without judging, sees the possibilities and the opportunities that come from a setback.

7. Discuss how a new mindset may be put into practice. Dweck challenges individuals to embrace life’s trials and learn from setbacks. She says, “Hear the criticism and act on it.” Action based on a healthier mindset will expand the opportunities available to our kids now and through adulthood.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. She is happy to report her son made great progress and has learned invaluable life lessons as a result of his academic struggles. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Dweck, Carol. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House, 2006.

Easing the pain of kids' nighttime symptoms.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
580 words

Why is it that your five-year-old’s fever, congestion, and pain suddenly worsen at nightfall when the pediatrician’s office is closed?

Is it simply a matter of your weary child noticing their symptoms while lying quiet in bed? Maybe. But there are also real changes occurring late in the evening and during sleep which may contribute to increased severity in their illness symptoms. Here are some tips on how to respond to those changes.

1. Emotional Factors

Things seem scarier at night. At bedtime, your sick child’s anxiety may grow simply because of the dark or imagined monsters under the bed. Isolation and silence at nighttime may also contribute to how they perceive or cope with discomfort.

Make things less scary. Reading their favorite storybook or playing soft music as they drift off may lower their anxiety. Also don’t underestimate the power of a gentle shoulder, back, or foot massage. Your own anxiety will affect them so be sure to speak softly and calmly in your bedtime ritual.

2. Physical Changes

Symptoms really are worse. During sleep, a child’s symptoms may grow more severe. For example, with an ear infection, lying down is painful because of the increase in the collection of fluid in the ear canal (which places pressure on inflamed ear tissue). This explains earaches (and crying from pain) flaring in the middle of the night. Also, fever burns in the evening, and prevalent health conditions such as asthma worsen at night.

Asthma affects 20 million Americans and involves a narrowing and clogging of the bronchi tubes in the lungs. At night bronchi narrow in everyone, increasing resistance to air flow. Not a problem for kids without asthma, but in asthmatics such constriction at night may bring on an attack.

Ask the doctor. Find out what sleeping position would be best for your child’s presenting symptoms (elevated pillow, etc.). Also, check up on them while they are sleeping to be sure their position is not making it hard to breathe.

3. Chronobiology

We are different chemically at night. Chronobiology relates to circadian rhythms and how internal timing mechanisms affect our biology. At night, two important internal hormones which relax the airway, cortisol (a steroid) and epinephrine (adrenaline), taper off. In fact, since both hormones have an anti-asthma effect on the body, synthetic versions are administered to break severe asthma attacks.

Help your child understand. Your 4-year-old doesn’t need a lecture about steroids, but you can encourage her by explaining that her symptoms feel worse because they are worse at night and that things will feel better in the morning.

4. Allergens in Bedroom

Their bedroom may make things worse. Unfortunately the air children breathe at night in their rooms may host common allergens including pet dander and dust mites which can set off a reaction.

Learn more about allergies. Ask your doctor what you can do to minimize the chance of setting off a reaction. Ask about humidifiers. Make sure you dust and vaccum (without them in the room) to clear out the mites.

Comfort Ideas for Nighttime

In addition to your pediatrician on speed dial, it may be possible to ease your child’s pain and illness at night by keeping these items close at hand.

*Compassion, patience, and lullabies

*Rocking chair, ice pack, and soft music

*Children’s antihistamine

*Children’s pain reliever

*Humidifier

*Ear drops

*Popsicles

*Thermometer

*Saline nose spray

*cheerful storybooks

*hot water bottle

Good luck, and remember your children will forget much of their childhood but never those times you were there tenderly caring for them when they felt miserable.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com

Resources:
Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America
www.aafa.org/

American Association of Chronobiology
www.aamcc.net/

4 Tips to Transform Your Thinking and Your Parenting

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
700 wds

Some days are just plain easier to be an optimist than others. Lazy July afternoon when the house is clean, the kids are frolicking in the sun, and the only dilemma is what to serve for lunch? Crown me the optimism queen.

But dreary chilled weeknights when everyone needs help solving quadratic equations, there’s not a clean dish or smile in the place, and the evening news confirms it: the world is going to…well, Your Highness needs an attitude adjustment.

The Need to Change Our Minds

Psychologist Martin Seligman, pioneer of positive psychology and author of Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life, writes “Pessimists tend to believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything they do, and are their own fault.” Pessimism is about feeling helpless and habitually believing misfortune is our fault.

Does this sound like you?

On the other hand, Seligman writes “Optimists believe defeat is just a temporary setback, that its causes are confined to this one case.” Most importantly, he says pessimists can LEARN to be optimists by learning new thinking skills.

The reason it is so important to learn more optimism is not so we can delude ourselves and continue on in a dream world. Becoming a more optimistic thinker pays because “Our thoughts are not merely reactions to events; they change what ensues.” The implications for parenting our children are vast because “When we overestimate our helplessness, other forces will take control and shape our children’s future.”

1. Dwell on What is Going Right.

Re-focus. Instead of pondering the temporary unfortunate events of the day, re-orient your perspective to all that’s going right. Think of that wise quote “Happiness is not having what you want, it’s wanting what you have” and decide what it means for you. Reflect on the specialness and value of your children and family in the scheme of things.

48 hours ‘til impact. Want to try something powerful and HUGE? We all go through periods of distress where we obsess and get stuck in commiserating. Try this: if you ARE going to obsess negatively over something, give yourself a limit of just 48 hours. Two days to rant, vent with safe friends, and resolve the matter within yourself. Then let it go. No more obsessing about that issue allowed. It’s gone because you are learning to become an optimist.

2. Be a Friend to Yourself.

It’s okay to be kind to you. Make sure you are regularly doing nice things for yourself and taking breaks to ease the daily grind. For me, these breaks occasionally involve chocolate. For you it may be a trip to the spa, a lunch with the girls, or a simple manicure. Your physical and emotional health will influence your level of optimism and how you cope. When your coping skills are strong, you will be a better model for your kids so such kindness to yourself really will benefit them!

3. See the Big Picture.

Try this exercise. It’s so important to not get bogged down in the trivial and lose hope. Try this exercise: imagine everything you cherish most—your children, family, pets, home, photos, belongings—are suddenly stripped away in a single moment. It’s all gone. You are completely alone. Feel this emptiness and loss down to your bones. Let yourself sense the absence of security, love, and laughter. Allow the feeling of barrenness to pierce you and penetrate your heart for a few moments. Then imagine that in one stroke, every single one of your treasures is returned to you—absolutely all of it resumes its place unharmed. And all this is yours this very moment. Bask in the glow of your riches.

4. Connect With Optimists.

Surround yourself with optimistic company. Life is hard. Relationships and parenting are tough. But sharing with positive thinking friends and family lightens the load. Make plenty of connections with optimistic caring people who make you laugh and see the glass as half full. Better yet, seek others who see it overflowing! Be lifted by their encouragement and hope, then pay it forward in your parenting. Glow with optimism and watch not just your thoughts, but the events of your life improve.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Seligman, Martin. Learned Optimism.Vintage, 2006

Respond supportively and empower them for social setbacks.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
790 wds

Eight-year-old Abby’s green eyes pool with tears when she is asked about her day at dinner. “Maddy made fun of my haircut in front of Blake!”

It’s difficult to hear about our child suffering a social setback when they’re very young. It’s even trickier to know how to respond to setbacks once they reach about third grade. Frequently, we’re tempted to step in and attempt to fix things, but after a certain age (unless it’s chronic bullying), this can be disempowering to the child.

In their book Little Girls Can Be Mean (2010) Michelle Anthony and Reyna Lindert identify four steps for dealing with bullying.


Step 1: Observe

They suggest parents watch how their child interact with friends on the playground or playdates in order to assess social skills. Look for changes in the child’s overall demeanor, facial expression, and word choice to form an impression of what is going on.

Step 2: Connect

“Connecting with your child regardless of her age and empowering her to make active, informed decisions will help you and her build the strongest possible foundation from which to tackle social issues for the next decade and beyond.” The authors suggest using active listening skills and responding with statements such as “it sounds like…”

Step 3: Guide

Work with your child to better understand the situation and allow them to see” numerous possible solutions to a seemingly impossible problem.” Guiding them involves: identifying the real issue, depersonalizing the situation, scaling the worry down or up to size, brainstorming a number of possibilities, and helping her understand the dynamics of her friendship group (her place within it, how she feels about that, and how best to respond to her new knowledge).

Step 4: Support to Act

The goal is to increase your child’s sense of personal power. Engage in a dialogue about the pros and cons of possible actions. “Most important in this step is that she chooses a solution (or two or three) that she can live with and feel comfortable about.”

More Supportive Strategies

Clinical psychologists Natalie Madorsky Elman and Eileen Kennedy-Moore offer tips honoring the “whole-child” for parents in The Unwritten Rules of Friendship.

*Get a teacher’s opinion. Your child’s teacher may be able to shed light on teasing or exclusion. Teachers can often connect the dots and provide helpful information about your child’s social behavior. You may learn your non-stop talker at home is tight-lipped at school. It helps to have a teacher’s objectivity.

*Provide plenty of socializing practice. Your child needs opportunities to simply play with others—not just structured activities and lessons. To learn to get along well, they need practice. The psychologists recommend short play dates focusing on a planned activity (bowling, going out for ice cream) for those children who are struggling socially.

*Maintain optimism. Being left off a guest list or ridiculed can feel like the end of the world. Remember that most teasing incidents are isolated situations. Help kids gain back perspective by expressing with confidence things will work out. If your child is upset because “everyone hates me” it’s important to listen and empathize but also offer hope and focus on future success.

Skip the ‘Interview for Pain’

School consultant and psychologist Michael Thompson suggests in Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children that when speaking with your child about their day you should avoid questions interviewing them for pain. “Was anyone mean to you today?” sets the wrong tone since it causes them to search their memory for negativity to report.

Keep the focus limited to how they may successfully handle the situation. Thompson suggests asking the following questions to explore their ability to cope after a social setback.

What do you think you’ll do if this happens again?
How do other kids handle teasing by so-and-so? Can you do the same?
Have you ever played with so-and-so before? Did a friend comfort you after you were teased?

Explore Together What Friendship Means

It’s tough to relax and step aside when we see our kids hurting. The desire to pick up the phone immediately and contact the parents of children associated with a conflict can be strong. But it’s important to help your child stay focused on the big picture: kindness, respect, and true friendship.

In her book When Friendship Hurts, Dr. Jan Yager discusses the role of empathy in friendship. She says “the feeling of empathy for a friend…stems from a deep-rooted emotion toward that friend, but it also reflects a basic ability to listen to others and truly care about what they are going through.”

By modeling empathy for our children, we are teaching a meaningful lesson in love they may then pay forward in their social lives and friendships.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Her blog is at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Anthony, Michelle and Reyna Lindert. 2010. Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades. St. Martin’s Griffin.

Elman, Natalie Madorsky and Eileen Kennedy-Moore. 2003. The Unwritten Rules of Friendship: Simple Strategies to Help Your Child Make Friends. Little Brown & Co.

Thompson, Michael. 2002. Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children. Ballantine.

Yager, Jan. 2002. When Friendship Hurts. Fireside.

10 Tips to boost their reading daily.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
700 words

Many parents feel overwhelmed thinking about the summer vacation weeks when children need reading practice to stay fresh and prepared for the next school year. Tutoring is an excellent option, but there are plenty of ways to promote reading skills at home.

The most important thing you can do is consistently provide exposure to reading and language every single day. Integrating more reading into their daily lives will expand their vocabularies, help them develop a sense of sequence and patterns, and increase their attention spans.

Keep these tips in mind.

1. Think variety. Instead of sticking with chapter books or the fiction they usually gravitate toward, consider a trip to the library for a variety of diverse books and magazines. The exposure to multiple types of print and genres will stretch them and offer options they may not have considered otherwise.

2. Cozy down. Set up cozy reading areas in different parts of your home (every room if possible!) so that they are drawn to devour books without being asked. Let them build forts equipped with books, flashlights, and pillows for hours of escape. A simple huge pile of pillows makes the perfect nest to get lost in a story.

3. Be a matchmaker. Be sensitive to their interests to match them up with books. If they are passionate about playing baseball in the summer, go to the library and let them explore titles on the subject. If there is a television show or movie they are especially moved by, find related books so they can go deeper into the material.

4. Bend the rules. Occasionally bend the rules at bedtime (maybe an extra 20 minutes) to encourage reading in bed. Make sure their reading material at night is not scary or apt to give them bad dreams.

5. Bag o’ books. Have a tote full of books in the car or near the door so that there are always books on hand to read for errands, appointments, and times waiting is involved.

6. Don’t freak about levels. Do not be overly concerned with the reading level of the material your child chooses over the summer. We want kids to fall in love with books, not be turned off because of limits. So don’t be concerned if your child turns to some selections you consider too juvenile.

7. Read aloud. Be willing to read aloud to your child even if a part of you feels they are way too old for it. They’re not! As a tutor, I have found that reading aloud even to my older students has incredible value. You can stop and ask them questions and check for understanding. Hearing language and new vocabulary and forming images as they listen all counts and matters! Don’t limit reading aloud to bedtime either. You could make it an after dinner or a breakfast ritual.

8. Don’t be a hypocrite. Get caught reading. You need to practice what you are preaching to reinforce it. Let them see you read novels, the paper, magazines, recipes, and mail. Point out signs and billboards when you’re in the car and ask them questions to check for understanding.

9. Celebrate. Use your judgment for this one. Your kids may not need any reward program in place to motivate them. If they do, instead of setting a huge goal (100 books read by end of summer!), think realistically and shorter term. Set an achievable weekly goal and a reasonable weekly reward (Cupcakes? Trip to the zoo?).

10. Be prepared for occasional whining. There will be moments they just will not be in the mood to read. Have alternative language building activities in mind for these times. Let them dictate a story and then read it back to them. Ask them to write 50 words that begin with “B.” Work on a crossword puzzle together. The idea is to stay immersed in words, letters, and language every day.

All of these tips will help your child feel more confident about practicing newly acquired reading skills and more prepared for the school year. The added bonus is these ideas lend themselves to opportunities for high quality connection with your child—which is never a waste of time.

M. Ranard has worked as an academic tutor for a decade. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Strategies to Cope Better.

by M. Ranard, M.Ed.
700 words

Do you need reminding what a high energy child looks like? I can help. As a parent, it was a struggle to cope with our youngest son, the poster child of “high energy volcanoes.”

Intense, passionate, over-sensitive, moody, and troubled by transitions, he was the toddler who required every tag cut from clothing, ran away at age three in Pullups and red galoshes, and once drove my mother to the brink of a nervous breakdown with a deafening crazed tantrum from hell in a minivan.

Even though I am a highly patient and positive parent, I found myself frustrated beyond words that my efforts did very little to change his difficult behavior.

Snapshot of a High Energy Child

These kids tend to have:

 Difficulty with transitions
 Difficulty with boundaries
 Intense emotions

They are sometimes called “explosive,” “difficult,” and “high maintenance.” Psychologist Linda Budd wrote Living with the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents and refers to this unique temperament as “the active alert child.”

Active alerts “find it difficult to let go of control, to deal with the intensity of emotions, to admit mistakes, to see a disagreement from another's perspective and to slow down to gain another's perspective.” They feel criticism more harshly and blow their mistakes out of proportion.

High energy kids pose a challenge to even the most patient parents. During the most turbulent years with my son, the advice I encountered more than any other was “be more patient and consistent.” (There were also plenty of unkind comments from other parents of the variety “Wow, just wait til he’s a teenager!”) However, there are additional strategies beyond simply that lip service which may help you cope.

Nurturing Strategies

1. Frame the Issue as a Family Matter. Budd’s approach to help focuses on tackling the subject from a family perspective rather than singling out the child as a “problem.” She suggests that for these children to feel more in control, they need more of the Three R’s: routine, rules, and rituals. Budd points to the positive personality traits associated with active alert kids such as intensity, intelligence, and activity—traits which may serve them well in adolescence and adulthood.

2. Don’t Assume You’re a Horrible Parent or Alone. I recall nights trying to fall asleep when I felt like I was the worst parent in the world because all day long I had put out fires, scolded, given time-outs, and yelled in frustration. It helps to talk to the parents of other high energy kids. You are definitely in good company.

3. Help Your Child Develop Coping Skills. To help an active alert child cope, parents can "assist the child in developing internal coping resources so that when she makes mistakes or doesn't know all the answers she will still feel okay about herself." One of the ways parents can powerfully nurture such development is to teach the attitude "Oh, well, mistakes can happen to anyone."

4. Keep in mind What Your Child Needs Most. Budd believes there are four elements to a child feeling parental love: Security, Protection, Importance, and Respect.

5. Understand Your Own Temperament. In Raising Your Spirited Child, longtime expert Mary Sheedy Kurcinka refers to high energy kids as “spirited.” She explains that understanding how your temperament matches with your child’s is key to living more peacefully together and appreciating the positive qualities their temperament encompasses.

6. Teach Skills to Recognize Triggers. Kurcinka says parents of spirited kids need to teach them skills to recognize their triggers. In this way, they learn to cope and communicate what they feel. Parents can also help kids see their temperament is to be valued and that it will serve them well later. In the mean time, their intensity can be channelled into a positive outlet.

7. Read Books on the Subject. There are excellent sources which will encourage you and help you feel there are active steps and changes to make in your thinking and discipline which will ease this burden. In addition to the two mentioned, Ross W. Greene’s The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children (2010) offers an excellent collaborative problem solving approach.

M. Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master's in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Budd, Linda. 1993. Living With the Active Alert Child: Groundbreaking Strategies for Parents. Parenting Press.

Greene, Ross W. 2010. The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper.

Kurcinka, Mary S. 1998. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Energetic. Harper.