hello lovely child

by Michele Ranard
360 words

How I wish I could say these triumphs—and yes, they’re a bit twisted—came simply from my imagination! Actually, they’re based on personal experience as well as confessions graciously shared by other mommies (Yep. A friend accidentally stood too close to her daughter at Home Depot and…see number three.).

The point of the list is for moms to (a) realize many little triumphs get overlooked and (b) duh!—to prove you deserve more chocolaty goodness! If like me you occasionally experience seasons of feeling discouraged and anything but gratitude, perhaps this will tickle your brain and help you recover laughter again. I bet you’ll come up with dozens more, and these small miracles will get you started:

1. You did not accidentally curse in the middle of that heated discussion during this morning’s Bible study at church.

2. Nobody threw up on you all day.

3. Somehow the tip of your firstborn’s finger was not freakishly sheared off when you enthusiastically tried out new gardening nippers a bit too close to her hands in the store.

4. You remembered to empty your teen’s pockets of gum, a $200 phone, and that extra credit assignment before throwing in a load of colors.

5. After helping your tween prepare for the pre-algebra exam, no one required reconstructive surgery or shock treatments.

6. There are toilet paper rolls on every single holder in the place.

7. One of the kids complimented “Those jeans look good and not slutty, mommy,” and somehow “I want a new mommy” was not shouted once.

8. You resisted impaling yourself on the tee-ball tee after your day from hell was capped by a text from your spouse reading “stopping for drinks with buds after work.”

9. Appearing relaxed and put together at the party, someone asked whether you had any children.

10. When the 7-year-old arrived home from school and drained the last diet soda, you did not explain “we’re going to have to let you go.”

11. Your facebook status sounds neither neurotic nor authored by Britney Spears.

12. Your chocolate stash and the secret backup one remained hidden the entire day.

Michele Ranard has three backup stashes of Peanut Butter M&Ms, a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com

Sanity-saving advice and solutions for concerned parents.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
890 words

If you are parenting a behaviorally challenged child—one who is highly inflexible, defiant, and in trouble much of the time—then you may be all too familiar with the confusion, anger, guilt, and shame that go with the territory.

Challenging kids make life significantly more difficult for their families, teachers, and others with whom they interact. They are often poor problem solvers with rigid interpersonal styles. They may have meltdowns and explosive episodes a few times a week or dozens of times daily.

But there is help—and hope.

Snapshot of the Challenging Child

Because of the variety of symptoms and severity, challenging kids may receive a diagnosis of Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, Conduct Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, or others.

Challenging kids may get in trouble for non-compliance at home, school, or both. They have difficulty following instructions, switching gears, getting along with others, and responding appropriately to a variety of social situations. They have outbursts and may swear, hit, spit, throw things, or assault others.

Parents of challenging kids often feel stuck and desperate when the use of rewards and punishment is ineffective, especially given that such strategy is often prescribed and is at times effective with less-challenging children. Challenging kids may embarrass their parents with noncompliance so much that they become convinced their child ENJOYS being hostile and mean!

What Causes the Outbursts?

Too often, parents mistakenly blame themselves for their child’s misbehavior. Blame may also come from well-meaning friends or school personnel who believe their parenting is not strict or consistent enough. But parenting techniques are only one factor impacting children’s behavior.

Author of Lost at School (Scribner, 2008) and The Explosive Child (Harper, 2010), Harvard Medical School instructor and pediatric psychologist Dr. Russ Greene writes “Challenging behavior occurs when the demands of the environment exceed a kid’s capacity to respond adaptively. In other words, it takes two to tango.”

In When Your Kids Push Your Buttons (Grand Central Publishing, 2004) parent educator Bonnie Harris explains, “Children feel under attack from negative judgments and criticisms and are often left with no choice but to engage in counterattack.”

Though on the surface, challenging kids may appear to be attention-seeking, manipulative, limit-testing, and poorly motivated, this may not be the case! Children often harbor unsolved cognitive problems which they lack the skills to solve on their own.

Experts who work extensively with defiant children and families insist that challenging kids do NOT enjoy tormenting or offending people. Harris states, “Children want to be successful. No child is happy being manipulative or out of control.” These kids frequently have trouble reading social cues and use aggression and defiance for self-preservation.

The Importance of Empathy

Being responsive and showing empathy is critical to managing challenging behavior. Dr. Greene asserts that when parents show empathy and teach skills for adaptive behavior, behavior improves.

On Greene’s Lives in the Balance site, he teaches the definition of good treatment which is “being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt” and is NOT “treating every kid exactly the same.”

Philip and Nancy Hall, who wrote Parenting a Defiant Child (AMACOM, 2007) believe parents need to display empathy and “the know-how to help their children develop and sustain meaningful relationships.”

In Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids (Adams Media, 2008) Harris explains that parents’ expectations of their child must be based on who he is, not on who they wish he would be. She writes “To affect their behavior, their internal state must first be understood, then accepted, then addressed.”

Help for Families

Because of varying philosophies and approaches to helping challenging kids, parents should educate themselves to choose experts and solutions which offer a good fit.

A fairly new approach is Greene’s Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) which involves three parts: learning about your child’s perspective, clarifying your own concerns, and brainstorming solutions. The role of parents is to figure out what is getting in their child’s way of not doing well.

Greene stresses that solutions to behavior problems take great effort, bravery, and practice. But since CPS eliminates any power struggle, the outcome is win-win. To learn more about CPS visit http://www.livesinthebalance.org/what-is-collaborative-problem-solving-cps.

Harris also endorses a collaborative approach with kids who push your buttons, and her excellent tips for coping include:

1. When emotions are heated, stop dangerous actions only. Do not react.

2. Never try to teach a lesson or solve a problem in the heat of the moment.

3. Walk away if you think you will yell, blame, or shame.

4. Count to ten.

5. Inhale and exhale deeply at least three times.

6. Find a word or phrase to repeat to yourself that will hold you back from reacting even for a second.

7. Remind yourself that your child is having a problem not being a problem.

8. If your emotions are high, acknowledge that you are having a problem as well. Own it.

9. Don’t make your child responsible for your feelings or reactions.

10. Don’t take it personally. Do be a sounding board.

11. Appeal to your child’s sense of fairness and logic.

12. Remember, this too will pass.

Because challenging and defiant children come in all shapes and sizes, there is not a one-size-fits-all treatment or prescription. An important first step even if you are struggling to define the problem is to seek help, stay positive, and cling to hope.

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Greene, Russ W. The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children. Harper, 2010.

Greene, Russ W. Lost at School: Why Our Kids With Behavioral Challenges are Falling Through the Cracks and How We Can Help Them. Scribner, 2008.

Hall, Philip S., and Nancy J. Hall. Parenting a Defiant Child: A Sanity-Saving Guide to Finally Stopping the Bad Behavior. AMACOM, 2007.

Harris, Bonnie. Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live With. Adams Media, 2008.

Harris, Bonnie. When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It. Grand Central Publishing, 2004.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
600 words

As a parent, there are too many nights my head hits the pillow and my thoughts immediately turn to every misstep I took during the day with my kids. Even if dozens of things were handled expertly, my natural perfectionist inclination is to dwell on the times I blew it. Maybe you can relate.

It’s not healthy so I have to learn to consciously celebrate the small stuff. What went well? What slippery slopes were avoided or navigated with courage? We all need reminders to be more intentional, and sometimes it helps to have a twisted sense of humor about the whole business.

Take these 10 silly scenarios:

1. BROWN-BAG BRAVO...Did you successfully pack your 9-year-old’s lunch for the field trip without tossing in a can of Bud-Light (which looks eerily similar to a can of apple juice when one is bleary-eyed in the wee hours)?

AWESOME. You just prevented your child from being scarred for life and avoided a messy Family Services investigation.

2. DINNER WINNER...Was some version of “these are the best brownies in the universe” spoken after dinner rather than “I need a straw for this meatloaf?”

WAY TO GO. You actually cooked dinner. It is a big deal.

3. VODKA VICTORY...When your 16 year-old brought home the $350 speeding ticket, did you refrain from a roundhouse kick and binge drinking?

FABULOUS. Your child’s mistake may very well turn out to be an important life lesson.

4. TISSUE TRIUMPH...Did your tween announce SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT MORE TOILET PAPER ON THE ROLL after which you calmly and without sarcasm suggested that “someone” might be him?

YOU’RE ON A ROLL YOURSELF! It’s hard not to automatically respond defensively with anger. Take credit for resisting.

5. SMART SNOOZE...Did you sneak in a nap today while your infant napped?

WOO HOO. Taking good care of yourself is beneficial to your whole family, and the dust bunnies can wait.

6. HEALTHY HOPE...Did you refuse to allow anxiety to overtake you when your first-grader’s teacher called and is convinced your child has deep pathological issues because she cannot master phonics?

YES, YOU CAN CELEBRATE THIS. A struggle to grasp phonics is not the end of the world. You were able to see the big picture. What your child needs is an emotionally healthy advocate like you who won’t be paralyzed by fear.

7. TEXT TRIUMPH...Did the text you sent to your spouse tonight read “oops we r outta diapers” and not “oops the firstborn needs bail?”

YAY. Now sleep in heavenly peace.

8. RAZOR REWARD...If you’re a mom, did you actually find adequate time to shave BOTH legs in the shower?

WELL, HALLELUJAH. I’m thinkin’ Arby’s!

9. MASTERPIECE MAMA...Was the portrait of you created by your preschooler charming and without obvious horns or a pitchfork?

SEE, IT’S THE LITTLE THINGS. You are pretty darn special, and they know it.

10. ORTHODONTIC OMG...Did you miraculously retrieve your daughter’s expensive retainer accidentally thrown away in the trash bin already rolled to the curb before it was landfill bound?

CUE THE CONFETTI. Way to keep hope alive and save the day.

Granted, these are tongue in cheek, but it’s honestly important to stay positive and realistic about the task of raising a family. It’s not easy. Society is full of messages telling us and our kids we're inadequate. We don’t have to lower the bar to acknowledge the fact that many many small victories—ones we often overlook—can truly transform our attitudes and outlooks in a big way.

Michele Ranard hardly ever packs a Bud Light in her child’s lunch. She has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
770 words

“I NEEEEEEED ANOTHER BROWNIE!”
“IT HURTS. I CAAAAAN’T HAVE THIS SEATBELT ON!”
“JORDAN TOOK THE RED ONE! I WAAAAANT RED!”

Ahhhhh. Classic rants of whine country. For many parents, these rants have become the whine of daily life, and it ain’t no Pinot Noir! Preschoolers are especially famous for whinery woes; and tweens? Well, I can confirm they are busted too.

There’s hope on the horizon. Expert advice encourages us to be more proactive and intentional in our response to whining. Take it from this professional counselor and mom of teens—their vintage whines will someday be a distant memory!

Whine Sellers.

A few years ago, Psychology Today highlighted an experiment at Clark University which analyzed recordings of children’s whines. Doctoral student Rosemarie Sokol-Chang confirmed what every parent of a whiner already understands too well: whining is a heck of a lot more effective for capturing attention than a loud table saw.

Mom and writer for The Boston Globe, Joanna Weiss brilliantly expresses the effect of the aversive, part-cry, part-speech, part-nails-across-the-chalkboard song of the unhappy whiner:

“…there’s a certain noise that cuts me to the core, depletes my reservoir of patience, turns me temporarily into a meanie mom. I cannot handle the whine.”

Weiss is certainly not alone in her meanie mom-ness. “I find the trickiest part of this whining business is when we’re all exhausted,” says Adrian, a frustrated parent of three whining children under ten. “I mean, yes, I get the teachable moments thing, but when I’m tired, their voices sometimes KILL me.”

Too Much Whine! (And Not Enough Cheese.)

Just what compels our children to whine relentlessly about everything from fudgy brownies, to seatbelts, to the red crayon cousin Jordan is holding? Can’t you just hear the drawn out MOOOOOOOMMMMMM?

Whining happens when among other things, kids feel sleepy, neglected, hungry, defiant, grumpy, uncomfortable, or disconnected from you. Disconnected? Hello? Every parent knows the probability of a 4-year-old’s whining goes through the ceiling when we get busy or tied up on the phone/computer.

The art of the fine whine works like magic! It stops us cold and gets our focus back on the whiner—no loud carpentry saw necessary.

Pretend There is No Whine?

Should parents ignore the whine?

There are plenty of moments when it may be sensible to do so. In psychotherapist and parenting expert Alyson Schafer’s off-beat humorous guide Honey I Wrecked the Kids (2009)she says “our task is to ignore the whining but not the child” and parents should “gently and calmly tell them that you don’t respond to whining.”

Mom Adrian adds, “Pretending not to be fazed and counting to three in my head are two of my personal tips with my whiners.”

Nanny Deb of Nanny 911 says of ignoring the whining, “ I know this sounds nearly impossible…but you are doing this so your kids will start to use their words.” It’s the feelings behind the whine, not the tone that should be acknowledged. “Tell children to use their words. If your child starts whining, say, ‘I don't understand whining. I'm not going to listen to you until you say what you want.’"

Throw Back More Whine?

Is it a good idea to mimic the awful whine?

No. In their commonsensical guide Whining: 3 Steps to Stop it Before the Tears and Tantrums Start (2000), Ricker and Crowder say whining makes kids feel more powerful and though we’re often automatically tempted to whine right back, there are better alternatives.

For managing the misbehavior, they recommend first that parents establish consequences. “Consequences teach kids that whining doesn’t work,” and the book recommends consequences be logical and immediate. Parents are often pulled to shout back or say too much which they shouldn’t do. Establishing consequences emphasizes parental action and requires some verbal restraint.

The second approach as suggested by the authors to stop whining in its tracks is to model assertive communication. This “encourages the substitution of calm, respectful dialogue that gives a child a mode of communication to replace whining.” Let’s be honest…for many of us, reacting to a grating whine with “respect” and “calm” won’t come naturally to our dialogue. The book reminds parents that “assertiveness teaches your child to communicate respectfully.”

Ricker and Crowder’s third suggestion is to provide your child an opportunity to contribute in order to learn empathy and responsibility. The reasoning goes when kids are allowed to contribute they will develop a sense of belonging and won’t need to act out.

“When your child whines, look at it as a golden opportunity for intervention, but only if you respond in a way that teaches the child how to behave.”

Michele Ranard knows whine country. She once sprained her ankle and lay writhing in pain on the kitchen floor as her preschooler whined: I WANT A SANDWICH! She has two teenagers, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Aaronson, Lauren. “Whine Connoisseurs,” Psychology Today, January 2005. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200503/whine-connoisseurs

Nanny Deb. “Stop Whining and Screaming.” Nanny 911. Nickelodeon Parents Connect. http://www.parentsconnect.com/questions/child-behavior-stop-whining-screaming.jhtml

Ricker, Audrey and Crowder, Carolyn. Whining: 3 Steps to Stopping it Before the Tears and Tantrums Start. Fireside, 2000.

Schafer, Alyson. Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Timeouts, Grounding, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don’t Work. Wiley, 2009.

Weiss, Joanna. “150,000 Year Old Whine,” The Boston Globe, July 2010. http://www.boston.com/community/moms/articles/2009/07/04/the_evolution_of_fine_whines/

Science confirms kids need more free-play
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
770 words

With school in full swing, homework, studying, and a steady diet of rigidly-structured activities are standard fare for many kids. Soccer, ballet, piano, and extracurriculars broaden the horizon and set the stage for personal growth. But over-scheduling our children to beef up their competitiveness or resumes for college has a downside.

While academics, lessons, and organized sports are important, kids need goof-off time too. Science tells us to remain healthy, children of all ages need plenty of unstructured play.

The Biology of Free-play

Dr. Stuart Brown, clinical researcher and author of Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul (Avery, 2009) studied the play behavior of animals and more than 6,000 people from all walks of life (serial killers to Nobel Prize winners). His research concludes that play time is critical to the emotional, social, and cognitive health of our children.

Everyone understands play is pleasurable and a good distraction from stress, but science also teaches us that play “is a profound biological process” crucial to our survival. In rats, play reduces impulsivity, which is similar to ADHD in humans. We are simply hard-wired to play. Unfortunately, recess and P.E. are disappearing from the school day at a time kids need unstructured free-play more than ever.

Brown says making play a part of our daily lives is critical to feeling fulfilled as happy, successful human beings. What constitutes play? The retired psychiatrist says play is much more than games and sports. Play involves books, music, art, jokes, movies, drama, and daydreaming.

10 Important Reasons to Create More Time for Play


1. Happier kids. Sometimes we trivialize play or fail to see its usefulness. But it’s more than fun. In addition to improving emotional health, it serves a biological purpose. When social mammals such as rats and monkeys are deprived of rough-and-tumble play, they enter adulthood emotionally fragile. Play helps them distinguish friend from foe, handle stress better, and form better skills to mate properly.

2. Social competence is enhanced. Play teaches people to master and adapt to changing circumstances. Even “dealing with or avoiding being excluded” from games like tag or dodge ball are helpful social skills to learn.

3. Physical activity may lessen the symptoms of mild ADHD. Dr. Lara Honos-Webb, author of The Gift of ADHD (2005) says of the disorder “it is important to remember that nature is medicine and activity is medicine.” She suggests that parents of children with ADHD make time for them to run around outside before school and be sure that recess is never taken away as a punishment for poor behavior.

4. It burns calories. Trends for childhood obesity are staggering. According to the CDC, the prevalence of childhood obesity for 6-11 year-olds has increased from 6.5% (1976-80) to 17% (2003-2006). Obese kids have increased risk for cardiovascular disease, asthma, sleep apnea, and Type 2 diabetes.

5. The idea is not to raise rigid, humor-less adults. After analyzing thousands of “play histories,” Brown stresses that play deficiencies can lead to closed-mindedness, inflexibility, and unhappiness. Lifelong play is part of the antidote. Play may even prevent a smoldering depression! Play is not just a trivial escape. It provides a vehicle for learning to problem solve, and as Dr. Brown writes, “reshapes our rigid views of the world.”

6. Rough and tumble play is developmentally critical. We knew it was helpful to development, but Dr. Brown’s research revealed that for young homicidal males and drunk drivers, rough-and-tumble play was missing from their childhoods.

7. Stronger academic performance. This may be especially relevant for boys. Anthony Pellegrini, an educational psychology professor at the University of Minnesota and author of Recess (2005) discovered that successful peer interaction at recess was an excellent predictor of success on standardized tests. When boys established competence on the playground, they also did better in the classroom and paid attention better.

8. Play keeps curiosity and wonder alive. Kids today spend 50% less time outside than they did just twenty years ago. The lure of animation, videogames, and online networking is so tempting and culturally reinforced that the beauty of nature and fresh air right outside our doors is often overlooked.

9. Successful people play A LOT. Playfulness sparks creativity and innovation. Analysis of the play histories of successful adults reveals “Highly successful people have a rich play life.”

10. Play is honorable. Play is not just a mindless activity—it is active learning. As Brown puts it: “From an evolutionary perspective, the smarter the animal, the more they play…it gets us in touch with our core selves and the joy of life.”

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. She is passionate about helping parents and children lead richer lives. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Brown, Stuart. Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. Avery, 2009.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (http://www.cdc.gov)

Honos-Webb, Lara. The Gift of ADHD. New Harbinger, 2005.

Pellegrini, Anthony. Recess: It’s Role in Education and Development. Laurence Erlbaum, 2005.

Cut, cut, cut. But don't waste the Jesus bandaids. And read everything by Kurt Vonnegut.

Don't use up all the fancy bandages in a day. I know. It's hard. They're pretty and bring more comfort than Hello Kitty ones.

I love Vonnegut's voice, don't you? Here's what he once said about writing:

1. Find a subject you care about.
2. Do not ramble, though.
3. Keep it simple.
4. Have the guts to cut.
5. Sound like yourself.
6. Say what you mean to say.
7. Pity the readers.

As quoted in Science Fictionisms (1995), compiled by William Rotsler.

Quiet your thoughts by picturing mice or don't.

Anne Lamott references a great tip in Bird by Bird (the most helpful book I've read about writing).

Many writers experience chatter in their brains even away from the notebook or laptop, and she says in order to bid goodbye to it (and SLEEP!), she imagines the thoughts are little mice. She picks each one up by its tail and drops it into a jar before replacing the lid.

I find this exercise to be effective EXCEPT when I'm mouse phobic. Which is all the time. Carefully weigh your options before picturing rodents or touching those miserable tails.

Instead, go online and devour the work of cupcake bloggers. Or imagine Edward Cullen breaking the neck of each racing bad vampirish thought.

But you know what honestly works? Deciding to record these ramblings (however odd they come to you) for future exploitation and fortune. KNOW that this chatter is going to make you millions. Then a miracle happens. Lucky for you, all the juiciness and the voices and the potential for wealth will be gone.

image, Christina Romeo

Help Empathy Bloom in Your Children

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
920 words
*image, mightytosave.tumblr.com

Cyber-bullying and “mean schoolgirl” scenarios are frequently publicized in the news. More than a few kids have hogged the spotlight lately for ugly displays of aggression and lack of kindness.

Are we living through an empathy crisis?

I don’t have the answer. Despite headlines, we all witness empathetic acts daily. We see kids sharing their lunches and adults turning a cheek. But in vogue or not, I am always on board for emphasizing empathy.

Parents can be instrumental in helping children cultivate it for a lifetime.

Empathy 101

Empathy cannot be understood or gleaned from a single conversation with children; it’s a process beginning with parents committed to modeling more of it themselves. Improving our vocabularies is a good start. It’s sad, but some kids are able to articulate “road rage” more easily than the e-word: which is being sensitive to the feelings of others and emotionally living temporarily in their shoes.

Isn’t empathy being nice? Kids need to understand empathy is beyond feeling sorry for someone or reserved for times of loss. Empathy is getting past your self. “In some sense it means that you lay aside your self, and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself” (Rogers, 1959).

Feeling for others appears to come naturally to some and may even be in our genes.

Wired for Empathy

Exposed to cultural messages justifying aggression for survival, our kids are often reinforced for lacking empathy. In The Age of Empathy (2010), renowned primatologist Frans De Waal cites evidence from his research with primates that empathy is innate and likely evolved from how mammals cared for their young.

“Don’t believe anyone who says that since nature is based on a struggle for life, we need to live like this as well. Many animals survive not by eliminating each other or keeping everything for themselves, but by cooperating and sharing.”

If predisposed for empathy, why do we often behave against our nature?

We over-value cognition and control. As De Waal writes “We live in an age that celebrates the cerebral and plays down emotions as mushy and messy. Worse, emotions are hard to control, and isn’t self-control what makes us human?”

De Waal ponders why evolution ever got into the empathy business in the first place if it didn’t serve an important role. “Why did natural selection design our brains so that we’re in tune with our fellow human beings, feeling distress at their distress and pleasure at their pleasure?”

Psychiatrist Bruce Perry points out in Born to Love (2010) that the way our brains respond to fear keeps us from empathy. “When calm, people can use the most ‘human’ part of their brain…to think abstractly…to be creative.” Perry explains we can walk in another’s shoes when we are in this reflective, safe, and secure mode. But when we’re living in terror our actions are driven by lower areas of the brain. “There will be no rational thinking—merely reflexive responses directed toward self-preservation.”

When Empathy Takes Root

Need more evidence that empathy pays? It turns out empathy may determine future professional success. In A Whole New Mind (2006), author Daniel Pink argues that it will be the empathizers who rule the future. “What will distinguish those who thrive will be their ability to understand what makes their fellow woman or man tick, to forge relationships, and to care for others.”

Pink is not the only one preaching empathy. Mary Gordon, longtime educator and developer of a program called Roots of Empathy has proven that increasing empathy in schoolchildren: nurtures emotional literacy, decreases aggression, drives down antisocial behavior, and makes for less bullying.

Secret to the program’s success? Babies. An infant’s visits to the classroom to facilitate discussions of feelings and “the ability to find the humanity in one another…by interrupting patterns of child abuse and neglect that are so often repeated through parenting in the next generation” (Gordon, 2009) make empathy real and teachable.

7 Ways to Help Empathy Bloom

Expert Betsy Brown Braun identifies empathy “tips and scripts” in You’re Not the Boss of Me (2010). Consider these tools as you equip your children for life.

1. Be patient. Keep your child’s age and development in mind as you consider their capacity for empathy. This process doesn’t happen over night. Understand mistakes will be made. Empathy will grow over time with experience.

2. Catch your child being empathetic. Notice and point out those little moments you see kindness shining through.

3. Build a strong bond. It is this security which will carry them so realize teaching The Golden Rule is never “five minutes ago!”

4. Respond with empathy. Whether your child is experiencing positive or negative feelings do model empathy by becoming a better listener. Ask open-ended questions and don’t rush into fixing the problem.

5. Think out loud. Say “Wasn’t your teacher extra kind writing that note today?” Ask questions to generate thoughts of how someone else might feel. “I wonder why he became so upset?”

6. Watch your criticism. When your child hears your negative judgments about the imperfections of others, it matters. Talk about social pressures to do the wrong thing. Emphasize the importance of always doing what she knows to be right.

7. Set them up for success. Consciously expose your child to influences promoting empathy and compassion. Whether it’s a nature film, books with kindness themes, or art, be intentional in counteracting selfish thinking. “Surround yourself and your family with people who are compassionate and kind. You do have a choice.”

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Braun, Betsy Brown. You’re Not the Boss of Me. Harper, 2010.

De Waal, Frans. The Age of Empathy: Nature’s Lessons for a Kinder Society. Three Rivers Press, 2010.

Gordon, Mary. Roots of Empathy: Changing the World Child by Child. The Experiment, 2009.

Perry, Bruce D. and Maia Szalavitz. Born to Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered. William Morrow, 2010.

Pink, Daniel. A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future. River Head, 2006.

Rogers, Carl R. “Empathic: An Unappreciated Way of Being.” The Counseling Psychologist. Summer 1975. 5:2, doi:10.1177/001100007500500202.