Help Empathy Bloom in Your Children

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
920 words
*image, mightytosave.tumblr.com

Cyber-bullying and “mean schoolgirl” scenarios are frequently publicized in the news. More than a few kids have hogged the spotlight lately for ugly displays of aggression and lack of kindness.

Are we living through an empathy crisis?

I don’t have the answer. Despite headlines, we all witness empathetic acts daily. We see kids sharing their lunches and adults turning a cheek. But in vogue or not, I am always on board for emphasizing empathy.

Parents can be instrumental in helping children cultivate it for a lifetime.

Empathy 101

Empathy cannot be understood or gleaned from a single conversation with children; it’s a process beginning with parents committed to modeling more of it themselves. Improving our vocabularies is a good start. It’s sad, but some kids are able to articulate “road rage” more easily than the e-word: which is being sensitive to the feelings of others and emotionally living temporarily in their shoes.

Isn’t empathy being nice? Kids need to understand empathy is beyond feeling sorry for someone or reserved for times of loss. Empathy is getting past your self. “In some sense it means that you lay aside your self, and this can only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself” (Rogers, 1959).

Feeling for others appears to come naturally to some and may even be in our genes.

Wired for Empathy

Exposed to cultural messages justifying aggression for survival, our kids are often reinforced for lacking empathy. In The Age of Empathy (2010), renowned primatologist Frans De Waal cites evidence from his research with primates that empathy is innate and likely evolved from how mammals cared for their young.

“Don’t believe anyone who says that since nature is based on a struggle for life, we need to live like this as well. Many animals survive not by eliminating each other or keeping everything for themselves, but by cooperating and sharing.”

If predisposed for empathy, why do we often behave against our nature?

We over-value cognition and control. As De Waal writes “We live in an age that celebrates the cerebral and plays down emotions as mushy and messy. Worse, emotions are hard to control, and isn’t self-control what makes us human?”

De Waal ponders why evolution ever got into the empathy business in the first place if it didn’t serve an important role. “Why did natural selection design our brains so that we’re in tune with our fellow human beings, feeling distress at their distress and pleasure at their pleasure?”

Psychiatrist Bruce Perry points out in Born to Love (2010) that the way our brains respond to fear keeps us from empathy. “When calm, people can use the most ‘human’ part of their brain…to think abstractly…to be creative.” Perry explains we can walk in another’s shoes when we are in this reflective, safe, and secure mode. But when we’re living in terror our actions are driven by lower areas of the brain. “There will be no rational thinking—merely reflexive responses directed toward self-preservation.”

When Empathy Takes Root

Need more evidence that empathy pays? It turns out empathy may determine future professional success. In A Whole New Mind (2006), author Daniel Pink argues that it will be the empathizers who rule the future. “What will distinguish those who thrive will be their ability to understand what makes their fellow woman or man tick, to forge relationships, and to care for others.”

Pink is not the only one preaching empathy. Mary Gordon, longtime educator and developer of a program called Roots of Empathy has proven that increasing empathy in schoolchildren: nurtures emotional literacy, decreases aggression, drives down antisocial behavior, and makes for less bullying.

Secret to the program’s success? Babies. An infant’s visits to the classroom to facilitate discussions of feelings and “the ability to find the humanity in one another…by interrupting patterns of child abuse and neglect that are so often repeated through parenting in the next generation” (Gordon, 2009) make empathy real and teachable.

7 Ways to Help Empathy Bloom

Expert Betsy Brown Braun identifies empathy “tips and scripts” in You’re Not the Boss of Me (2010). Consider these tools as you equip your children for life.

1. Be patient. Keep your child’s age and development in mind as you consider their capacity for empathy. This process doesn’t happen over night. Understand mistakes will be made. Empathy will grow over time with experience.

2. Catch your child being empathetic. Notice and point out those little moments you see kindness shining through.

3. Build a strong bond. It is this security which will carry them so realize teaching The Golden Rule is never “five minutes ago!”

4. Respond with empathy. Whether your child is experiencing positive or negative feelings do model empathy by becoming a better listener. Ask open-ended questions and don’t rush into fixing the problem.

5. Think out loud. Say “Wasn’t your teacher extra kind writing that note today?” Ask questions to generate thoughts of how someone else might feel. “I wonder why he became so upset?”

6. Watch your criticism. When your child hears your negative judgments about the imperfections of others, it matters. Talk about social pressures to do the wrong thing. Emphasize the importance of always doing what she knows to be right.

7. Set them up for success. Consciously expose your child to influences promoting empathy and compassion. Whether it’s a nature film, books with kindness themes, or art, be intentional in counteracting selfish thinking. “Surround yourself and your family with people who are compassionate and kind. You do have a choice.”

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Braun, Betsy Brown. You’re Not the Boss of Me. Harper, 2010.

De Waal, Frans. The Age of Empathy: Nature’s Lessons for a Kinder Society. Three Rivers Press, 2010.

Gordon, Mary. Roots of Empathy: Changing the World Child by Child. The Experiment, 2009.

Perry, Bruce D. and Maia Szalavitz. Born to Love: Why Empathy is Essential and Endangered. William Morrow, 2010.

Pink, Daniel. A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future. River Head, 2006.

Rogers, Carl R. “Empathic: An Unappreciated Way of Being.” The Counseling Psychologist. Summer 1975. 5:2, doi:10.1177/001100007500500202.