hello lovely child

15 REASONS TO SMILE IF YOU HAVE A TWEEN
We all need reminders now and then!
by Michele Ranard                        380 words

If you’re parenting a tween, you have probably bid goodbye to a good measure of childhood wonder and innocence. The tween years can be awkward for kids and grown-ups alike! With your child, you may also experience growing pains and even grief as they enter adolescence.

But there are plenty of positives about these in between years, and not everything about the younger ones was rosy. We tend to forget the stuff that drove us nuts. Here are some lighthearted reminders to file away and keep us optimistic.

1. Cue the confetti—Dora has left the building!

2. Remember air travel where an in-flight tantrum drove every passenger on board to the brink of insanity? Over. Plugged into an iPod or busy with Sudoku means far less mortification.

3. Now you can share an adolescent-appropriate movie then discuss its meaning—an opportunity for personal growth for both of you.

4. What a relief you are no longer expected to read the literature they are assigned in English class (which is uber cool since Othello is not your idea of “downtime” after work).

5. Suddenly you and your spouse dress more fashionably as a matter of THEIR survival.

6. Glimpsing your tween’s joy and skill on the football/soccer/baseball field invigorates the soul.

7. Every once in awhile they cross the room just to bend and give you a hug, and your heart grows three sizes.

8. Forwarding that hilarious youTube they introduced you to elevates you to coolest cat at the office.

9. Twelve-year-olds do a significantly better job vacuuming than toddlers.

10. Sippy cups, diaper genies, and rectal thermometers are history.

11. Shelling out $20 for the concert tee they’ll wear for two years is considerably easier to swallow than the $20 onesie which fit for two weeks.

12. Your dream of seeing Europe, taking up golf, or reading the classics? It’s within the realm of possibilities now.

13. When they’re sick, they probably don’t have to be wrestled to the ground for the grape flavored syrup that stains white onesies.

14. They’re not yet driving which means you may still be sleeping at night!

15. You finally have a few minutes to scrapbook baby photos—a task leading you to fall in love with your tween all over again.

8 Headphone and Battery-free Activities!
by Michele Ranard                                           
450 words

Family road tripping has changed! I remember the big deal it was when FM joined AM on the radio, but now…DVDs, MP3s, video games—kids have more entertainment than ever to stave off boredom and enjoy the ride.

Still, all that electronic media can leave families disconnected. Can you honestly stomach watching “The Incredibles” one more time? There are plenty of healthy creative unplugged activities for kids which will keep them occupied during the long drive.

Consider these suggestions to create lasting memories before you even reach your destination, and re-connect with the ones you love most.

1. Pipe Cleaner Paradise. A pack of inexpensive pipe cleaners and a nail clipper will keep fidgety kids happy for long stretches of travel time. They can bend the fuzzy sticks or wrap them around pencils to form cheerful colorful creatures. The best part? When they’re satisfied with their creation, they can play imaginative games with them for more stimulating fun.

2. Cootie Catcher. Remember these things? You pick a color, then a number, and then you get to read your fortune. You only have to show your kids how to do this once before they’ll be able to come up with variations and stay busy for hours!

3. Figures & Games With String. Supplies required: string. They can make “Jacob’s Ladder,” “Kitty Whiskers,” “Cup and Saucer,” or play “Cat’s Cradle.” AND IT”S QUIET!!!

4. Go Nuts With Foil. Remember when shiny, reflective aluminum foil was magical to you? Give your artsy imaginative kids a cheap roll and watch them go to town! They can transform themselves into superheroes making masks and “power bracelets.” Girls may especially enjoy constructing tiaras, jewelry, and headbands. And it’s fun to sculpt foil into cool animals—with no cleanup!

5. Old School Card Games. Card games are great for traveling because a deck is easy to transport, and there are tons of games to play. Crazy Eights and Old Maid are two possible kid pleasers.

6. License Plate Game. Before you leave, print out a map of the U.S. so the kids can color in the states as they see license plates. They can even record the time and date they saw it.

7. Virtual Hide and Seek. This guessing game is a hoot! Pick a place inside your house to hide—and here’s the fun part—it can be any size at all! A sock drawer, the dishwasher, the medicine cabinet…everybody asks questions until they narrow it down and find you.

8. Make a Wacky Roadside Stop. Go to the website www.roadsideamerica.com to find quirky, eccentric, touristy, places to visit. The kids will remember these nutty detours with you forever.

And they may not even miss the Wii.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, tutor, and freelancer with a twisted blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Do symptoms get worse for kids at night?
350 wds
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

Why is it that your five-year-old’s fever, congestion, and pain suddenly worsen at nightfall when the pediatrician’s office is closed?

Is it simply a matter of your weary child noticing their symptoms while lying quiet in bed? Maybe. But there are also real changes occurring late in the evening and during sleep which may contribute to increased severity in their illness symptoms.

Emotions

At bedtime, your sick child’s anxiety may grow simply because of the dark or imagined monsters under the bed. Isolation and silence at nighttime may also contribute to how they perceive their discomfort.

Physical Changes

During sleep, a child’s symptoms may grow more severe. For example, with an ear infection, lying down is painful because of the increase in the collection of fluid in the ear canal (which places pressure on inflamed ear tissue). This explains earaches (and crying!) flaring in the middle of the night. Also, fever burns in the evening, and prevalent health conditions such as asthma worsen at night.

Asthma affects 20 million Americans and involves a narrowing and clogging of the bronchi tubes in the lungs. At night bronchi narrow in everyone, increasing resistance to air flow. Not a problem for kids without asthma, but in asthmatics such constriction at night may bring on an attack.

Chronobiology

Chronobiology relates to circadian rhythms and how internal timing mechanisms affect our biology. At night, two important internal hormones which relax the airway, cortisol (a steroid) and epinephrine (adrenaline), taper off. In fact, since both hormones have an anti-asthma effect on the body, synthetic versions are administered to break severe asthma attacks.

Allergens in Bedroom

Unfortunately the air children breathe at night in their rooms may host common allergens including pet dander and dust mites which can set off a reaction.

Comfort Ideas for Nighttime

In addition to your pediatrician on speed dial, it may be possible to ease your child’s pain and illness at night by keeping these items close at hand.

*Compassion, patience, and lullabies

*Rocking chair, ice pack, and soft music

*Children’s antihistamine

*Children’s pain reliever

*Humidifier

*Ear drops

*Popsicles

*Thermometer

*Saline nose spray

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor/tutor and a freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources:

Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America

www.aafa.org/

American Association of Chronobiology

www.aamcc.net/

SAHM gets gig as an extra for Seal.

by Michele Ranard
570 words


Since my brother-in-law is in the entertainment biz, occasionally a night of red carpet whisks me away from tutoring algebra or scrubbing filth from the kids’ shower floor. Recently I scored a gig as an extra for a Seal concert filmed for PBS.

Not only will you catch a stellar performance from Seal on the disc, you will score bonus footage of moi rocking out in a wide shot (hair relentlessly teased, highest Betsey Johnsons donned, and situated near “Right Here Waiting” artist Richard Marx and Oprah’s boyfriend).

Here’s the thing. I have teen sons, and it was impossible to COMPLETELY shed the mom angst for leaving the eldest one on the honor system to study for an important pre-calc exam (I KNOW, I KNOW, total control freak).

The concert was incredible. After “If You Don’t Know Me,” Seal confessed he had a case of the belches from a pre-show Mexican dinner. “People Get Ready” preceded a story about how he stubbornly disagreed with the producer about including the track on the CD. Seal was in rare form vocally, David Foster killed it at the piano, and still the mommy mind wandered.

My thirteen-year-old son bubbled up into consciousness like one of Seal’s burrito burps. I agonized. Would he stay up too late? Would he remember his paper due in English?

“Knock on Wood” got my booty shakin’, and I’m not gonna lie, for three minutes I was roller disco babe circa 1979, re-applying lip gloss no less than thirty times. Let’s face it. This SAHM appreciates a break from teen central, and the tall drink of water Seal is not unlike chocolate gelato for the soul.

During a tape break, he took requests, and the segment became an engaging medley of fan favorites. “Fly Like An Eagle” transported me to sixth grade when my worst anxiety was deciding which platform sandals to wear to the spring dance. But before the tune ended, my mind drifted again—this time to the driving age son who was hopefully not flying like an eagle on the road. How do other parents cope anyway? Do you EVER take a deep breath again when your kid starts driving?

“Kiss from a Rose” did little to distract mommy. It stirred a memory of listening to the tune playing on the radio in our old station wagon when my babies were one and four. As Seal belted the hauntingly dramatic ballad, my eyes closed at times, images of those little boys smiling from their car seats flashing through my brain.

We joined Seal backstage after the show, and after my sister tattled that I love his wife Heidi Klum, I seized the opportunity to proclaim her work on Project Runway “genius.” Seal humbly replied, “Yeah, what is she doing with me, right?” Definitely chocolate gelato.

The contrast of silly swim team mom and sacred superstar? Bananas. Shakin’ it for a few hours with Mrs. Klum’s husband? Truly does not suck. But all the Hollywood glitz and glamour? Apparently no competition for my guys at home (even if they blew off homework, drove too fast, played hours of Metal Gear Solid, and never thought of mama once).

I guess you can slap some false eyelashes and stilettos on mom and even get her shakin’ the money maker. Suuuuuure, you can take her bootyliciousness out of the home.

But good luck taking home out of the mom.

When Michele Ranard is not shakin her groove thing, she is a professional counselor/ tutor and a freelancer with a twisted blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

These 5 Tips Will Help You Rock Out
640 words
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.

Read aloud with your kids. A lot. Not only does reading allow your child to experience different types of language, rhythm, and sounds, it informs them on topics they wouldn’t otherwise learn about, it’s calming, and it’s a wonderful way to BOND.

We all know we need to be reading more with our kids, but it’s so much easier to throw in a DVD and come up with excuses when we’re short on time and patience. But what if we equated reading with our kids to becoming a rockstar? Literacy expert and author, Nicola Morgan, says reading to your child is the single most valuable thing you can do.

Excuses and Tips to Make You a Star

THE EXCUSE: “I’m not good at reading aloud.”

Wrong. Nicola says you don’t have to be a good reader. The fact you may be a slow reader might actually be more beneficial to your child! She’ll hear the words clearly.

*Tip #1: This is no time to be a shy performer, mamas and papas. Select fun to read books, especially ones with repetitive phrases so kids can begin to join in and finish your sentences. Read with feeling and emotion. Pause in areas for children to anticipate what comes next. Be crazy dramatic! Think of connections outside of the story and relate them to what you’re reading.

THE EXCUSE: “My baby’s too young for books.”

No, she’s not. Focusing on pictures develops eye muscles, and each time babies hear a word, it becomes anchored more securely in their brains.

*Tip # 2: Board books rock. Have lots of board books on hand and in the toy box. Brightly illustrated books without words are great for you to make up stories or point to objects and repeat vocabulary. Let toddlers and preschoolers dream up and recite their own story about the pictures to you. They also find great pleasure in turning the pages. Take them to story hour at the library or the bookstore.

THE EXCUSE: “I’m too strapped for time.”

Many parents can’t see how they can possibly squeeze more reading into their busy lives. But it’s too important to skip. Research shows that preschoolers who are exposed to lots of books and conversation perform better in school.

*Tip # 3: Books pay off ‘Time After Time.’ Make reading with your child a routine. Instead of watching TV at bedtime or rest time, grab a book. Develop a habit of stopping at the library regularly—maybe every time you go to the grocery store or every Saturday morning.

THE EXCUSE: “My child is already an excellent reader.”

*Tip #4: A love for literacy (like a love for music) is an everlasting love. As parents, we need to keep encouraging older kids to read. With older children, read books together—you’ll be surprised how much joy this can bring to you both. Sometimes tweens get temporarily turned off to reading and forget the magic they’re missing. Read the latest books made into films so you can discuss discrepancies and casting choices.

THE EXCUSE: “I get tired of nagging.”

*Tip #5: Be more than a broken record—model reading for them. If you set an example and allow your kids to catch you reading—even if it’s a magazine—you’ll be setting the stage for compliance. We all watch too much television, especially just before bed, and quiet time reading is a much wiser way to unwind.

As literacy expert Nicola Morgan says, “If something isn’t fun, children won’t do it. And they have BRILLIANT ways of avoiding what they don’t want to do: such as pretending they can’t. Or making you feel guilty. If your child doesn’t enjoy it, he won’t try. If he finds it hard, he will think he is not good at it. Your job is to make it fun and easy.”

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor/tutor who is passionate about helping students become better readers. She is a freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Sidebar: 113 words

TIPS FROM NICOLA FOR HELPING YOUR CHILD

READ A LOT! Lots of stories, poems and rhymes. Let him see your finger following the text. Ask questions about the story and pictures. Let him join in where possible. Children are never too old to enjoy and benefit from listening to written language.

DISCUSS BOOKS. Talk - and listen to your child, even when the question is one you've heard a million times.

PRAISE. Praise your child at every opportunity. The more he feels successful, the more he'll want to practise; and the better he'll get.

CHILL OUT. Don't transfer any worries onto your child. Be relaxed. Have fun!

PLAN AHEAD. Don't work when one of you is tired, hungry or bored.

Resources:

Nicola Morgan. The Child Literacy Centre. www.childliteracy.com.

50 Daily Triumphs!
by Michele Ranard


1. You didn’t sleepily stuff a can of Bud-Light which looks exactly like Pepsi into your 9-year-old’s lunch for the field trip.

2. Before leaving the house, you somehow remembered to slip out of pajama bottoms and into a bra before running into that snarky mom with the cycling addiction.

3. You heard “these are the best brownies in the universe” and not “I need a straw for my meatloaf.”

4. You remembered your child’s birthday.

5. The mother in-law shows up unexpectedly the one day your house does not appear to have been vandalized.

6. The lipstick remained off your front teeth the entire day.

7. None of the offspring had an ear, tooth, or tummy ache.

8. You slept eight hours last night so no traction for the 16 year-old after he brought home the $350 speeding ticket.

9. The funky green crust on the kids’ bathroom mirror turned out to be Aquafresh not six year old fungus.

10. A cute babysitter across the street reported “boy, you don’t look like a mom” on your way out the door for dinner.

11. Your bag was not packed, nor the safety removed from the revolver, when the spouse mused SOMEONE should buy more toilet paper.

12. A 4-hour nap was scored with the infant since the house was already spotless.

13. In lieu of googling boarding schools, you peaceably forgave the fifth grader for dumping the family sized pan of macaroni and cheese on her new dress.

14. A middle school principal phoned with GOOD news.

15. You refused to let a sadistic burned out first-grade teacher convince you the first-grader is pathological just because she cannot master phonics.

16. Your supply of breast milk exactly matched the demand of your nursing infant so you didn’t need formula or look like a wet t-shirt contestant.

17. Caller ID confirms the therapist was not phoned once.

18. A first prize winning Halloween costume was created as you resisted slapping a lampshade and a dozen Huggies on the third-grader calling him a “diaper genie.”

19. You didn’t call your son’s girlfriend the wrong name…again.

20. When the younger sibling threatened the older one in the backseat “I will STAB you in the HEART with this pen,” he was only bluffing.

21. The text to husband reads “stop on way hm, we need milk ” not “stop on way hm son needs bail.”

22. You had time to shave BOTH legs.

23. The nine-year-old fires a magic 8-ball down the stairs in a rage and when its turquoise ink splatterpaints the downstairs’ walls, you remarked “just the pop of color the room needed.”

24. The dog’s dingleberry which has dangled a week and must be detached is NOT the size of a smashed orange this time.

25. A psychotic break does not follow your discovery the 14-year-old has deleted this week’s “Real Housewives of NYC.”

26. You do not accidentally curse in the middle of morning Bible study.

27. You actually make dinner.

28. The tip of your 7th grader’s finger is not freakishly sheared off by you while trying out the new pair of nippers at Home Depot.

29. You remembered to scan your son’s pockets for worms and toads before throwing in a load of laundry.

30. Not one message from DCFS was left on the machine.

31. After helping the 10-year old with “new” math homework, no one requires reconstructive surgery or shock treatments.

32. There are toilet paper rolls on every single holder.

33. One of the kids says you look “good but not slutty in those jeans.”

34. You refrain from impaling yourself on the tee-ball tee when the husband’s text reads “stopping for drinks with buds after work.”

35. A portrait of you is drawn, only this time without horns or a pitchfork.

36. On the way to buy Pullups, a dazzling Generation Y-er in the right lane nods and winks, and there’s no one else in your car.

37. On the kitchen floor, you find that section of your niece’s ear she severed falling off the chair, and the tissue is somehow re-attached.

38. Appearing relaxed and put together at the party, someone asks whether you have children.

39. When the 7-year-old comes home from school and drains the last Diet Coke you do not explain “we’re going to have to let you go.”

40. The 12-year-old’s $300 retainer is miraculously recovered from the trash.

41. You remembered to lock the treadmill.

42. Your status update on FaceBook sounds neither bipolar nor authored by Britney Spears.

43. The thought “shut up about your perfect kid, bee-yotch” did not spring to mind once at the soccer game.

44. Mama’s chocolate stash remained hidden.

45. Avoiding an ER bill, you called up the strength of your mind to somehow suck out the orange candy Nerds your two-year-old shoved high up into his nasal cavities.

46. Nobody throws up on you all day.

47. The only fatalities from the fire after your 5-year-old tossed lit matches into the Rubbermaid are some ugly wallpaper and drapes.

48. “I wish I had been given the good mom” was not shouted once.

49. The windows were closed protecting the neighbors from hearing “I will frickin POUND you for this!” after the kids decoupaged kitty litter ads to the walls of the family room.

50. Drifting off to dreamland, the heaviness of mom guilt didn’t keep you awake because you are forgiven for being human and just slightly a basketcase.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Inside fun when it’s grey out there.
by Michele Ranard
570 wds

“Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.”
                                                                                           --anonymous

There are so many simple pleasures of life to enjoy with your children, and dreary weather outside provides an opportunity to re-discover some of them. Whether you decide to make it a lazy day with popcorn and a movie, a more productive one organizing the playroom, or on one of the ideas below, don’t forget to squeeze in a little dance in the rain.

1. Bake up a storm in the storm! Let this cloudy day inspire you to make magic in the kitchen. Can’t decide on gooey cookies or fancy cupcakes? Make both. You can always freeze extras to throw in school lunches. If they can read, let the kids recite the recipe to you and allow them to do the measuring for excellent math practice. Remember you don’t need fancy pans or equipment to whip up culinary masterpieces—a wooden spoon and a mixing bowl will serve you well.

2. Think indoor picnic lunch. Make sandwiches, spread celery sticks with peanut butter, and dream up a yummy dessert. Lay out a quilt on the family room floor and play a board game or two. Since indoor Frisbee is probably out of the question, think about balloon volleyball instead. If your kids have not volleyed with balloons in the past, you may be surprised at how long this dreamily quiet activity will keep them engaged. BONUS: no ants, itchy grass, or perishable mayonnaise to worry about on this picnic.

3. Dance Party. Forget inside voices! Crank up the stereo. Kids never seem to tire of the freeze dance game. You control the cd player or radio, and they dance until you silence it at which time they freeze and hold their position until the music starts again.

4. Outdoor Photo Shoot. There’s no such thing as too many photos of the kids, and overcast skies can be great weather for taking great ones. If there’s no lightning and it won’t damage your camera, consider capturing some puddle splish splashing Kodak moments. The cuteness factor of kids in rubber boots? Hard to beat.

5. Indoor Fantasy Photo Shoot. Instead of forcing the kids into uncomfortable clothes and asking them to say “stinky feet,” make it truly fun. Help them dress up in creative costumes, braid or spike their hair, and maybe pull out some face paint if you have it. Ask them to make funny faces, and make sure to get at least one shot with you in it. (Huddle together, hold the camera high and away, and point the lens downward. Click!)

6. Head to the shopping mall. Go to the one with the indoor play area so you can supervise and maybe even skim a magazine. Make sure to bring healthy snacks or indulge and treat them to one of those enormous decadent sticky cinnamon rolls.

7. Fashion Show. First, they will need to select their wardrobe. Encourage them to be as flamboyant and crazy as possible (offer them sports jerseys, pantyhose, purses, pumps, and hats). Tape off a catwalk with masking tape and play some energetic music before they strut their stuff for the paparazzi—you!

8. Build memories and a special fort. There’s nothing like a tent for climbing in and dreaming, playing Legos, reading books, or taking a snooze. With sheets, blankets, and clothespins (or duct tape!) help them construct a cozy fort to chill out in. They will never forget days like these.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic counselor, and freelancer. You can read her cheeky blog at hellolovellychild.blogspot.com.

Disco? Emo? We're the same-o.
by Michele Ranard
600 wds
Connecting with your inner adolescent just happens when you’re raising teens. The thirteen year old who lived for dance is alive and well in this mom. She is still a craver of drama, an open wound, and a dreamer like her sons.

In 1979, ten of us eighth-graders were recruited to make a dance video for our school. Burgundy and gold polyester skirts and tunics were home sewn, and a “Studio 54” routine choreographed. My dance partner was the foxy Steve, who reminded me of Mick Jagger. My status on Earth had peaked as we lost ourselves in darkness under a glittery disco sphere.

There are days I still long to shake it on the stage, but opportunities for disco have thinned out like my pre-menopausal eyelashes. Sure, there’s the occasional wedding reception or step aerobics, but a Charleston step at the Y always turns my hair prematurely blue.

I love the night life; I like to boogie, but my children insist Donna Summer and these living room moves are irrelevant. In fact, my sons don’t dance. They mosh. They thrash. They bleed.

The 13-year-old son attended his first hardcore concert days ago and proudly parades assorted bruises sustained in the pit. The screamo band was sweet, but for him the evening’s highlight was his buddy’s knuckles connecting with the jaw of a fellow mosher. The mosher fell to the dance floor knocked out cold. My son reports it was awesome as the dude was helped to stand before again collapsing unconscious.

Wow. Perhaps thirteen is too young for slamming in the pits. As a fresh thrasher, he might inadvertently bloody the wrong brow or tug the wrong piercing. His older brother is a veteran mosher and celebrator of mild concussions. He is fearless for the “wall of death” where moshers near the stage are encouraged to part the waters then rush each other at full speed.

I’m told the energy and adrenaline in such arenas is otherworldly, but me, I like to jam with my American Bandstanders Red Bull-free.

The genre of music my eldest son’s band plays is bone chilling and sends most adults sprinting for Xanax or the Bible. Practicing downstairs several times a week, I have yet to hear syncopation tempting me to shake my groove thing. It does beckon more insulation for unfinished basement walls.

Our dance practices before the video shoot were enchanting. Twirled and dipped by Jagger, I lived my PG-13 Saturday Night Fever out loud. Pages in my Judy Blume diary were flooded with “STEVE AND I WILL HAVE THREE CHILDREN AND A PUG!”

But hormones and newfound glamour rattled my fragile angsty soul. Maybe the pressure to dance in my first film is why I crashed and burned, annihilating any chance of adopting a pug with Mick.

A trace of DNA on the gene I would someday pass to male offspring with a preference for physical damage mixed with dance—showed up in one critically mortifying moment during dress rehearsal.

My inner mosh princess drilled a bony elbow backwards into Steve’s eye socket.

Somewhere Judy Blume echoed, “No teen ever dies of embarrassment. Awkward and aimless, you’re still beautiful.”

But freekin' Judy Blume was full of crap. Even with icepacks, the swelling of his eye was fast and furious. I wanted to die.

Maybe I share more in common with my teens than I imagined. I remember living for Friday nights and losing myself in dance. Their stage diving, crowd surfing, and headbanging are what the hustle and freak were for us.

I just wear my mosh scars on the inside.

Michele Ranard sincerely hopes moshing is just a phase. She is a professional counselor/tutor and freelancer with a twisted blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

The 14-year-old hippie surfer son and I had a date two days ago. With lunch and the mall on the agenda, I was over-enthusiastic since these outings are infrequent. He was uncharacteristically shy accompanying me in public, lagged ten paces behind, and became catatonic when asked the simplest question in Hot Topic.

“Do you like this thing with the skulls?”

Eyes grow wide with no response.

“Hey—aren’t these skulls way cute? And look, it’s your size.”

Eyes grow crazy terrified and jaw tenses as he scans Hot Topic for hiding places.

“How ‘bout this studded belt…?”

Ditches me for Urban Outfitters.

When I catch up, he whispers “I’ve NEVER liked skulls. YOU like them. Plus they’re green. I will NEVER wear green skulls.”

His rolling eyes never fail to catch me off guard. Internally, all kinds of questions bubble up.

Did I ditch MY mother when shopping at 14? Did I cruelly treat her like toxic waste for favoring skulls? When did I become the completely obnoxious mom limping past Cinnabon in beaded Indian platforms with untreated scoliosis and a pedicure wound? When did the kids begin to be disgusted by the "sexy rose” lip stain which now strangely stripes my front teeth 90% of the time? And when did I morph into this suffocating nag, bribing her kids for their time?

Maybe the metamorphosis occurred around the time we discovered my parental love language. It is “smothering control freak.”

"Where would you like to eat, sweetie?”

“I don’t care.”

“Panera it is then.”

“Not Panera.”

“It’s your pick – what sounds good?”

“I’m hooked on Crunchwrap-Supremes.”

“Dude, that is so unhealthy. How badly is your heart set on a Crunchwrap?”

“Panera is fine. Whatev’.”

“No, Taco Bell’s okay. We’ll have more time to shop.”

I concede to live dangerously so it’s Crunchwraps all around. We listen to Bless the Fall while devouring over-sized grilled envelopes of processed cheese, and I feel better about how our date is going.

We head out for more shopping, and I become a hero when I say yes to new headphones he cannot live without at T. J. Maxx. Though I am still limping with the pedicure lesion, I swear he is glaring less. Then it happens.

It bears mentioning my son is pretty von pretty like Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire. He has shoulder length hair he tosses for dramatic effect. As we approach the fitting rooms to try on jeans, I make it a point to say "HE would like to try these," stressing HEEEE to the fitting room attendant. She misses the gender identification entirely and leads him to the ladies’side.

Mortified, the eighth grader doubles back to the men’s area as I shout “Boy! He needs a boy room!” The poor woman’s perplexed expression told us she remained unconvinced.

The jeans he selects are not my favorite, but I graciously give them the green light. I say “graciously” since I agreed to them without ever having seen them modeled which is breaking momcode as far as I am concerned. In addition to being fatally frugal, it is difficult for me to agree to any apparel purchase without a virtual fashion show. I need the catwalk, some Zoolander blue steel, and a few spins before I am convinced.

Last on our “to do” list was a Target run for underwear. We throw boxers and Bandaids into the cart since the bloody skater goes through bandages quicker than grass through a goose. We nearly escape without issue.

Ahead of us in line, a petite 60ish blonde smiles then flings an arm around my sons' shoulders, sneaking a peek into the cart. “Look who we have here!” Ambushed by his Honors English teacher, the surfer immediately regrets ever leaving the house.

I am a slow study, but some parenting wisdom is taking root. For example, there appears NOT to be a no-fail formula for bonding with adolescents. Who knew this?

One-on-one time? An admirable concept ON PAPER, but mano-a-mano in public places without disguises? At your own risk for non-sadist types.

I am no parenting expert, but I will leave you with one more lesson learned. Teenagers prefer expensive techie gadgets, new headphones, smoking weed, and even decapitation to a public drive-by parent-teacher conference in the express lane at Target.

You're welcome.

Michele Ranard loves shopping online. She has a husband, two sons, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.