50 Daily Triumphs!
by Michele Ranard


1. You didn’t sleepily stuff a can of Bud-Light which looks exactly like Pepsi into your 9-year-old’s lunch for the field trip.

2. Before leaving the house, you somehow remembered to slip out of pajama bottoms and into a bra before running into that snarky mom with the cycling addiction.

3. You heard “these are the best brownies in the universe” and not “I need a straw for my meatloaf.”

4. You remembered your child’s birthday.

5. The mother in-law shows up unexpectedly the one day your house does not appear to have been vandalized.

6. The lipstick remained off your front teeth the entire day.

7. None of the offspring had an ear, tooth, or tummy ache.

8. You slept eight hours last night so no traction for the 16 year-old after he brought home the $350 speeding ticket.

9. The funky green crust on the kids’ bathroom mirror turned out to be Aquafresh not six year old fungus.

10. A cute babysitter across the street reported “boy, you don’t look like a mom” on your way out the door for dinner.

11. Your bag was not packed, nor the safety removed from the revolver, when the spouse mused SOMEONE should buy more toilet paper.

12. A 4-hour nap was scored with the infant since the house was already spotless.

13. In lieu of googling boarding schools, you peaceably forgave the fifth grader for dumping the family sized pan of macaroni and cheese on her new dress.

14. A middle school principal phoned with GOOD news.

15. You refused to let a sadistic burned out first-grade teacher convince you the first-grader is pathological just because she cannot master phonics.

16. Your supply of breast milk exactly matched the demand of your nursing infant so you didn’t need formula or look like a wet t-shirt contestant.

17. Caller ID confirms the therapist was not phoned once.

18. A first prize winning Halloween costume was created as you resisted slapping a lampshade and a dozen Huggies on the third-grader calling him a “diaper genie.”

19. You didn’t call your son’s girlfriend the wrong name…again.

20. When the younger sibling threatened the older one in the backseat “I will STAB you in the HEART with this pen,” he was only bluffing.

21. The text to husband reads “stop on way hm, we need milk ” not “stop on way hm son needs bail.”

22. You had time to shave BOTH legs.

23. The nine-year-old fires a magic 8-ball down the stairs in a rage and when its turquoise ink splatterpaints the downstairs’ walls, you remarked “just the pop of color the room needed.”

24. The dog’s dingleberry which has dangled a week and must be detached is NOT the size of a smashed orange this time.

25. A psychotic break does not follow your discovery the 14-year-old has deleted this week’s “Real Housewives of NYC.”

26. You do not accidentally curse in the middle of morning Bible study.

27. You actually make dinner.

28. The tip of your 7th grader’s finger is not freakishly sheared off by you while trying out the new pair of nippers at Home Depot.

29. You remembered to scan your son’s pockets for worms and toads before throwing in a load of laundry.

30. Not one message from DCFS was left on the machine.

31. After helping the 10-year old with “new” math homework, no one requires reconstructive surgery or shock treatments.

32. There are toilet paper rolls on every single holder.

33. One of the kids says you look “good but not slutty in those jeans.”

34. You refrain from impaling yourself on the tee-ball tee when the husband’s text reads “stopping for drinks with buds after work.”

35. A portrait of you is drawn, only this time without horns or a pitchfork.

36. On the way to buy Pullups, a dazzling Generation Y-er in the right lane nods and winks, and there’s no one else in your car.

37. On the kitchen floor, you find that section of your niece’s ear she severed falling off the chair, and the tissue is somehow re-attached.

38. Appearing relaxed and put together at the party, someone asks whether you have children.

39. When the 7-year-old comes home from school and drains the last Diet Coke you do not explain “we’re going to have to let you go.”

40. The 12-year-old’s $300 retainer is miraculously recovered from the trash.

41. You remembered to lock the treadmill.

42. Your status update on FaceBook sounds neither bipolar nor authored by Britney Spears.

43. The thought “shut up about your perfect kid, bee-yotch” did not spring to mind once at the soccer game.

44. Mama’s chocolate stash remained hidden.

45. Avoiding an ER bill, you called up the strength of your mind to somehow suck out the orange candy Nerds your two-year-old shoved high up into his nasal cavities.

46. Nobody throws up on you all day.

47. The only fatalities from the fire after your 5-year-old tossed lit matches into the Rubbermaid are some ugly wallpaper and drapes.

48. “I wish I had been given the good mom” was not shouted once.

49. The windows were closed protecting the neighbors from hearing “I will frickin POUND you for this!” after the kids decoupaged kitty litter ads to the walls of the family room.

50. Drifting off to dreamland, the heaviness of mom guilt didn’t keep you awake because you are forgiven for being human and just slightly a basketcase.

Michele Ranard is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a cheeky blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.