the upside of parenting teens

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THE UPSIDE OF PARENTING TEENS
Seeing the joy and savoring this phase.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.                                                                            
670 wds

Living with teenagers can have its challenging moments for parents. They frequently want more freedom than what they are prepared to handle. There are boundary issues, rebellion, and identity crises. Parents may experience their own identity crises as well. Experts say it’s dangerous and unhealthy to take on the role of “friend” as they must see you as an authority. Yet there are plenty of moments it feels more than natural to do so—to laugh, share music, and learn new things together.

In spite of the rollercoaster adolescence can feel like, I am not a fan of simply trying to “survive” this developmental chapter. There is too much to celebrate about parenting these young adults, and the trick is becoming more intentional about savoring them. It’s easy to forget things were not always so rosy when they were younger and more dependent.

Six Reminders to Stay Optimistic

To the rescue? A half dozen reminders from a parent who truly understands days when they forget to open the garage door before backing out with the car AND some bizarre fashion choices.

 
1. There’s a whole world of sweet things to enjoy together now that they’re older.  Whether it’s a sit-com you both love, baking, a sports team, scrabble, cars, a book series, or pilates—don’t forget many such activities were not options when they were little. You likely yielded to their child-related interests and developmental needs at the time (and Dora!). Now there’s new fun stuff for both of you.

2. You both navigated childhood successfully. Cue the confetti. It’s worth celebrating. Really. It wasn’t always unicorns and rainbows—remember chronic ear infections, all those meals they couldn’t cut up their pork chop, and the demonic temper tantrums in the grocery cart? Bravo. You made it.

3. Their identity crisis makes you more accountable. At first blush, this may not sound savor-worthy, but think about it. Because they are forming opinions and making discoveries about themselves, you are probably held more accountable. And that’s good for both of you. Are you worried about the dangers of alcohol and drug-use for them? If so, you are likely modeling better behavior since they are watching. Part of their process as they clarify who they are morally and ethically is influenced by interactions with you and what they observe at home.

4. You have more time. And time is money. Teens are less dependent on you so you likely have extra time now for personal interests. Suddenly you are freed up to explore what makes your heart sing, devote more time to church, and spend uninterrupted time with your spouse. The pressure to rush home to the sitter or carve out “mommy and daddy time” is over and probably a welcome change. If your kids made you feel guilty about doing anything fun without them, this is probably past history. Traveling or entertaining at home? Suddenly much less-stressful.

5. You have the opportunity for meaningful discussions. It’s one thing to discuss matters of faith when they’re 10. But as young adults, the ongoing dialogue about faith, philosophy, and character has life altering potential. They may come to you for spiritual guidance or ethical dilemmas, and engaging them in such conversations (with compassion and understanding) can have soulful consequences.

6. You may have more household help. It’s nice when there are strong arms around capable of operating a vacuum, the microwave, and the washing machine. Even if you have to nag, sending them to the grocery store is a perk. And it’s easy to forget that just a short time ago you had to drag them with you on those boring errands but now they can stay behind happily.

If you pay attention only to the media and the latest best-selling nonfiction, you may be horrified and convinced our teens belong to Generation Slut, Generation Me, or worse. You could be misled since there are plenty of wonderful qualities emerging in adolescence. We just have to be sensitive enough to notice.  

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling.

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