by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
825 words
Are you happier now that you are a parent? A few years back, sociologist Robin Simon created a stir with her suggestion in the Journal for Health and Social Behavior (2005) that “bundle of joy” was a misnomer for most parents.
“Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers," indicated Simon, whose study concluded that folks with the significantly greatest emotional well being had never had children.
Surprised?
Plenty of parents were for good reason. Sure kids trigger negative emotions. But Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert and author of Stumbling on Happiness (2007) says although kids may not increase our average daily enjoyment, “they bring transcendent moments that outweigh all the hard work.”
Psychological Wealth
The day in, day out job of parenting may be far from romantic, but if you’ve ever watched a toddler chase a butterfly or been asked “Will I need my clothes in heaven?” you know it can be sacred. You know happiness can wash over you from little moments with your children here and there, and in truth these moments are anything but little.
Children enhance our lives significantly, and in our busyness sometimes we fail to reflect upon them. Psychologists Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener refer to “psychological wealth” in their book Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth (2008) which is “the experience of well-being and a high quality of life.” Surely children add rich quality and increased psychological wealth to the lives of their parents.
The authors have advice for how we may become even more psychologically wealthy. They suggest seeing what’s good in the world (i.e. all those magical times with our kids) but remaining grounded in reality (i.e. kids are expensive and stressful!). The psychologically wealthy stay engaged in activities they believe are meaningful and apply their strengths to those activities.
Treasuring Contentment
Contentment gets a bad rap at times maybe because it doesn’t have a sexy ring to it. In Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure and Contentment (2009) Don Lucas says contentment is worth aspiring to. “Contentment is associated with everlasting positive emotions. Contentment is not associated with being idle, lazy, or giving up.”
Parenting is largely about experiencing positive, enduring emotions. Caring for children entails hard work and perseverance. Contentment from parenting motivates our behavior and empowers us to accomplish more than if we lacked contentment.
Lucas says “True happiness is a social thing. If the people who are close to you are not happy or not happy with you—you’ll have a tough time being happy.”
Increasing Parenting Happiness
How can parents increase their happiness? By becoming more focused on the positive. By consciously getting more intentional about savoring parenthood. And by feeling more gratitude for the gift of their children. Additionally, these simple ideas cannot be underestimated to help:
1. Get More Sleep. Taking care of your family takes a lot out of you. You’ve heard the “nap when baby naps” advice a million times, but it’s important. If possible, work out a shift schedule to get up with your infant. If you have school age children, it’s tempting to stay up late when they’re in bed and the house is peaceful. But try to go to sleep at the same decent hour they do. Beginning today, try to get one extra hour of sleep each night and notice the effect a less tired, new and improved you has on your outlook and relationships.
2. Recognize How Stressful Parenting Often Is. It’s easy to feel guilt for moments you don’t “feel” happy. In their book The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (2008) Russ Harris and Steven Hayes reassure that feeling unhappy does not mean you are defective. “The normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective; your mind’s just doing what it evolved to do.” Happiness isn’t about eliminating negative feelings; it’s being prepared to cope with those feelings.
3. Join Forces With Your Partner. Diener reminds us that the quality of our lives is diminished when we neglect to develop all the aspects of our true psychological wealth—especially our loving relationships. Parents should encourage each other and talk often about the highs and low of raising kids. Laugh together at the daily craziness which is family life!
4. Let Gratitude Always Be at the Forefront of Your Thoughts. Counting our blessings everyday helps us remember happiness is not having what we want, but wanting what we have. One way to reflect on gratitude is to journal. Another is to write love notes expressing gratitude for your kids. Leave a note on a pillow, and if your child is young, read it aloud. See the big picture. Gilbert says “It’s easy to get caught up in the details, but you need to step back and realize how empty your life would be without these people in it.”
Michele Ranard is so grateful for parenthoodl! She has a husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling. Visit her at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Diener, Ed, and Biswas-Diener, Robert. 2008. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell.
Gilbert, Daniel. 2007. Stumbling on Happiness. Vintage.
Harris, Russ, and Hayes, Steven. 2008. The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter.
Lucas, Don. 2009. Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure, and Contentment. Hayden-MacNeil.
Simon, Robin. 2005. National Survey of Family and Households. Journal of Health and Social Behavior.
