by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
680 words
“Children who have everything done
for them and are consistently rescued from the consequences of their bad
decisions grow to be unreliable and irresponsible adults.”
~Dr. Elisa
Medhus
We all want our children to develop self-reliance and independence, yet if we are not mindful in our parenting, we may hinder their ability to do so. Frequently we do too much, we fail to step aside, or we overprotect and hover in the name of love.
For
autonomy to develop, parents must be intentional about providing opportunities.
As children gain experience and successfully (or unsuccessfully) practice
independence, they learn personal responsibility. They figure out how to negotiate
bumps in the road, bullies, stressful circumstances, and everyday frustrations.
They make mistakes. They grow up better equipped to tackle grown up life.
Early Childhood Autonomy Builders
Founder
of The Conscious Parenting Alliance, expert
Shelly Birger Phillips believes autonomy building can begin simply with a home
inventory. She suggests the following tips to help preschool-aged kids develop
a sense of autonomy at home:
1. Do kids have an easily
accessible place to put their coats and
shoes when they get home? (The easiest place to put a coat is on a low hook
near the front or back door.)
2. Is there a place (such as a kid-sized bench) for putting shoes on and off?
3. Can toys and books be reached in the living room?
4. Are they able to access art supplies, dishes, water, and snacks in the kitchen?
5. Is there a stool in the bathroom that makes using the toilet and washing hands easy? Can she reach the towel to dry her hands?
6. Is there easy access to drinking water?
7. A child’s bedroom should be the most accessible and easy to navigate. Your child should be able to access clothes, a hamper, full length mirror for grooming, toys, books, games and other supplies she enjoys.
8. For toy storage, small bins containing a few items each provide easier to access than huge overfilled bins.
9. Your child should have a reading chair that fits his body.
10. Your child should be taught practical life skills such as pouring, spooning, cutting, and cleaning up.
Autonomy Builders for Older
Children
It is likely that these ideas for
increasing independence are already a part of your parenting repertoire.
However, it never hurts to take stock. Embrace the Future is an organization in
Australia working with teachers, families, and schools to increase resiliency
in children. The program suggests these tips to promote an older child’s autonomy:
1. Encourage age appropriate responsibilities such as caring for a pet.
2. Help them think up their own solutions to problems rather than solving for them.
3. Expect them to rise to small challenges like making a phone call for themselves.
4. Encourage them to make their own choices.
5. Model and teach good coping skills for coping with stress:
*Be
able to ask for help and know where to seek it.
*Have
a sense of humor.
*Negotiate
and be assertive.
*Exercise,
play, and have hobbies.
*Be
optimistic.
Avoid Overprotecting
Author Nadine Descheaux writes “Parents
often tend to do things for their children in order to help them, to hurry
things up or because they are under the misconception that their child will not
be able to accomplish the task alone.” Descheaux identifies attitudes and
behaviors which may be detrimental to the development of autonomy:
·
Overprotecting your child
·
Constantly repeating instructions· Constantly attending your child’s extracurricular activities
· Constantly supervising your child’s group activities
· Having difficulty letting your child work in his own fashion
· Having a tendency to solve problems between your children
· Worrying when your child is away from you
Bear in mind, children make many
mistakes on the road to developing autonomy. Parents must also be mindful of
how to respond when these wrinkles happen.
Author of Raising Children Who Can Think for Themselves (2001), Dr. Elisa
Medhus reminds us “To never nag, threaten, or label when they don’t come
through on their responsibilities” and to be sure to remark when they do so successfully.
Michele Ranard has a
husband, two children, and a master’s in counseling.
POSSIBLE SIDEBAR:
Further
Reading
A Child's Book of
Responsibilities by
Marjorie R. Nelsen. MRN, 2010.
You Can Count on Me by Regina Burch.
Creative Teaching Press, 2002.Emptying the Nest by Brad Sachs. Palgrave Macmillan, 2010.
Are you an author? Learn about Author Central Resources:
Descheneaux, Nadine. “7 Tips to Stimulate Your Child’s
Autonomy.” Mother For Life. March
2012. http://www.motherforlife.com/health/child/development/learnings/3998-7-tips-to-stimulate-your-child-s-autonomy.thtml
Embrace the Future. Embracethefuture.org.au.
Medhus, Elisa. Raising
Children Who Can Think for Themselves. Atria, 2001.
Nelsen, Marjorie R. A
Child’s Book of Responsibilities: Developing Self-Reliance Through Guided
Tasks. MRN, 2010.
Phillips, Shelly Birger. “Autonomy is the Holy Grail of
Childhood.” The Awake Parent. December 2010. http://www.awakeparent.com/Shelly/autonomy-2/
Sachs, Brad. Emptying the Nest: Launching Your Young Adult Toward Success and Self-Reliance. Palgrave Macmillan, 2010.
