Facing what it means to parent a teen.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
800 wds
Raising teens while navigating the uncharted territory of midlife can be challenging for any parent. It’s confusing. Experts warn of the dangers of too permissive parenting or being their friend (“You’re an authority, not their bud!”). Yet there are plenty of moments it feels perfectly natural to be friendly—to laugh, shop, share music, and learn new things together.
Richard Weissbourd, in The Parents We Mean to Be (Mariner, 2010), explains how the issues associated with our own developmental stage can interact negatively with the issues of our adolescent’s. He writes:
“One reason that relationships between adults and teenagers can become so toxic is that adults can be caught up in the intense self-concerns of a midlife crisis at exactly the same time that their children are caught up in the intense self-concerns of adolescence.”
Changing Our Mindset
If we truly value the moral and emotional development of our teens, we cannot resign ourselves to simply “survive” this chapter raising young adults. We must be sensitive, educated, and more intentional about mentoring. About savoring what is redeeming in this season of the parent-teen relationship.
The relationship is a constantly developing one, and Weissbourd reminds “It’s vital to see ourselves not as static role models but as imperfect human beings, continually developing, in our dynamic relationships with our children, our own moral and mentoring capacities.”
As a counselor and parent who is aware of my imperfections and those of my teens, I think there are intentional ways we may improve the quality of our connections with them.
It’s the Most Important Job on the Planet. Let’s Be Intentional!
Weissbourd describes intentional parenting as “reaching for our better selves,” and I love this idea that the goal is to be reflective rather than reactive. Reflective would be the opposite of automatic responding, or getting lazy, or becoming nostalgic about how good things used to be.
Hopefully these positive reflections will soothe and fill you with hope as you continually make conscious efforts to increase the quality of interaction and learning at home with your teens.
1. Childhood was conquered.
This is no small matter. It wasn’t always rosy—recall chronic tonsillitis, family dinners they could not cut their own pork chop, or demonic temper tantrums thrown in a grocery cart? I bet you both faced and managed much greater stressors than those little snags. Bravo. You both made it.
2. More personal time can be a blessing.
No longer requiring constant supervision (well, sort of), teens are not under your feet so you may have more time now for personal interests. You may be freed up to explore what makes your heart sing, or to devote more time to church, a career, or your spouse.
The pressure to rush home to the sitter or carve out “mommy and daddy time” has passed and is possibly a welcome change. Traveling or entertaining at home? Suddenly in the realm of possibility.
3. The potential for meaningful discussions is there.
As young adults, the ongoing dialogue about morality, faith, ethics, and character has life altering potential. They may call on you for guidance or spiritual dilemmas, and engaging them in such conversations (with compassion and openness) can have soul lifting consequences.
4. Their identity crisis makes you accountable.
As they form opinions and make discoveries about themselves, you are probably under more scrutiny. This can be beneficial for both of you if you acknowledge you too are changing and improving throughout adulthood.
Weissbourd says “Parents may learn to deal with their selfish qualities or defects because they see the damage they cause to their children, or because they see these qualities reflected in their children’s qualities or actions.”
5. Household help helps.
Strong arms around capable of operating a vacuum, the microwave, or the washing machine is a welcome change. It’s good for them to help. Even if you have to nag, sending them out to pick up a pizza is a perk. And it’s easy to forget that just a short time ago you had to drag them with you on those boring errands.
6. A world of sweet things to enjoy now that they’re older.
Whether it’s a sitcom you both find hilarious, a sports team, cars, a book series, or pilates—don’t forget such activities were not options when they were younger. You likely yielded to their child-related interests and developmental needs of the time. Now new options await you.
Listen to Your Heart
Pay attention only to media often skilled at scaring you to death about teens, and you may be horrified or convinced you are raising Generation Slut, Generation Me, or the Lost Generation. But our children are counting on us to see them with loving eyes as they are: full of potential, worthy, and cherished.
We just have to be sensitive enough to notice. So notice.
Michele Ranard has two fabulous teenagers, a master’s in counseling, and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.
Resources:
Weissbourd, Richard. The Parents We Mean to Be: How Well Intentioned Adults Undermine Children’s Moral and Emotional Development. Mariner, 2010.
