hello lovely child

Deconstructing Gratitude for Our Children.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
850 words

Are you happier now that you are a parent?

A couple years ago, Florida State University sociology professor Robin Simon created a stir with her suggestion that “bundle of joy” is perhaps inaccurate for most parents.

“Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers,” indicated Simon, whose parenting study concluded folks with the significantly greatest emotional well-being were those who had never had children.

Wait a second! Can all those baby shampoo commercials with shiny happy moms bathing smiling Stepford children be wrong?

Sure kids trigger negative emotions. But Harvard psychology professor Daniel Gilbert and author of Stumbling on Happiness (2007) suggests although kids may not increase our average daily enjoyment, “they bring transcendent moments that outweigh all the hard work.”

Beyond Warm and Fuzzy

The day-in, day-out job of parenting is far from romantic. But if you’ve ever watched a toddler chase a butterfly or been asked, “Will I need my clothes in heaven?” then you also know happiness can wash over you in little moments here and there. In fact, such moments are not really so little.

Blissful, fleeting moments make life rich. Psychologists Ed Diener and Robert Biswas-Diener coined “psychological wealth” in Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth (2008) and define it as “the experience of well-being and a high quality of life.”

How do we become more psychologically wealthy? See what’s good in the world (those magical times with our kids) but be grounded in reality (kids are expensive and stressful!). The wealthy are engaged in activities they believe are meaningful. They apply their strengths to these activities.

As Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (2010), reminds: “What we say and do with our children is far more important in determining their success and happiness than any God-given talent or innate disposition.”

Contentment is Cool

Contentment may not have a sexy ring to it, but Don Lucas, Ph.D. in his book Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure and Contentment (2009), says it is worth aspiring to. “Contentment is associated with everlasting positive emotions. Contentment is not associated with being idle, lazy or giving up.”

Think about it. Much of parenting involves positive, enduring emotions. It entails hard work and perseverance. For parents, contentment motivates our behavior and empowers us to get more accomplished.

Lucas asserts, “True happiness is a social thing. If the people who are close to you are not happy or not happy with you — you’ll have a tough time being happy.”

Finding Your Happy Place

How do we increase happiness? By becoming more focused on the positive, more intentional in our attempts to savor parenthood and more grateful for the gift that is our kids. These tips may also help.

Sleep more. “Put on your own oxygen mask first and then help those around you” is how sociologist Christine Carter terms it. Taking care of your family takes a lot out of you. You’ve heard “nap when baby naps” a thousand times, but it’s important. It’s tempting to stay up when the house is peaceful, but try to go to sleep at the decent hour your school kids go to bed. If possible, work out a shift schedule to get up with your infant. Try to sleep an extra hour each night and watch the magical effect a less tired, new and improved you has on your family.

Recognize parenting is stressful. It’s easy to feel guilt for all those moments you don’t “feel” happy, but it’s completely normal. In their book The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living (2008), Russ Harris and Steven Hayes reassure that feeling unhappy does not mean you are defective. “The normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective; your mind’s just doing what it evolved to do.” Happiness doesn’t mean eliminating negative feelings; it is being prepared to cope with those feelings.

Communicate better with your partner. Parenting is stressful on a relationship. Diener and Biswas-Diener remind us that the quality of our lives will suffer if we neglect to develop all the aspects of our true psychological wealth — one of which is loving relationships. Encourage each other. Talk about the highs and low of raising kids. Laugh at the daily craziness which is family life!

Think gratitude. It’s more than saying grace at mealtime. Counting your blessings every day helps you remember happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. Carter writes “We can teach our children happiness habits, such as consciously practicing gratitude….Most important we can model happiness in ourselves.”

Consider writing a love note expressing your gratitude for your kids when you have a free moment. Leave the note on a pillow, and if your child is young, read it aloud. See the big picture. Gilbert says, “It’s easy to get caught up in the details, but you need to step back and realize how empty your life would be without these people in it.”

Michele Ranard has a husband, two children, a master’s in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Resources

Carter, Christine. Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Ballantine, 2010.

Diener, Ed and Robert Biswas-Diener. Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth. Wiley-Blackwell, 2008.

Gilbert, Daniel. Stumbling on Happiness. Vintage, 2007.

Harris, Russ and Steven Hayes. The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Trumpeter, 2008.

Lucas, Don. Being: Your Happiness, Pleasure, and Contentment. Hayden-McNeil, 2009.

Simon, Robin W., “The Joys of Parenthood, Reconsidered,” in Contexts (2008). Reprrnted in a 2008 issue of  UTNE Reader and Psychology Today.

image, via mighty2save

Decoding their slang and culture.
by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
680 words

I live with teenagers. The other morning at breakfast, my 15-year old son mentioned sorrowfully that he may have “tossed a fork.” Because I have grown so very accustomed to feeling clueless for what my kids and their friends are talking about (“Dude, that song is way sicker with that stupid hotness yo!”), I assumed “tossed a fork” was new lingo for “blew chunks.”

In reality, my son had literally thrown a piece of our cutlery in the trash. On accident. Clearly I over-analyze, but it feels like every day new slang from their ever-evolving vocabularies is introduced. The internet sees to it. Maybe you feel my pain.

Here are a few terms with definitions gleaned from my teen sons, my experience as the parent of millenials, and the world wide web:

Awesomation: The point at which something becomes awesome. “Brah, as soon as the show started, it was total awesomation.” Enough said.

Ballin: This term has been thrown around our house for years so I am a sort of ‘ballin’ connoisseur. It means to be living the high life, to be well respected, to be wealthy OR to be a basketball player. “That dude is ballin.”

Emo: You may think you understand emo; however, according to urbandictionary.com, emo is sometimes capitalized, sometimes not, and it can mean softcore punk music for melodramatic 17 year olds who don’t smile OR an overly emotional individual. My favorite emo definition from the site? “An excuse for guys to wear tight pants.”

If you still feel unclear about emo, ask your kids to define it (after which you’ll feel more lost than ever).

Facebook Ammo: A humiliating or incriminating photo saved on a friend’s camera to be potentially posted on Facebook that could be used for blackmail purposes.

Generation TMI (Too Much Information): While not slang, it is a concept parents of teens likely understand but may need a term for. Urbandictionary.com defines it roughly as kids who are overloaded with too much information because of the rapid growth of technology and the incessant need people have to share information online.

Generation TMI kids would all understand: "Wanna come over to myspace tonight to google my yahoo and twitter all over your facebook?"

Text Anxiety: The worry after texting someone when they don’t text right back. Are they alive? Mad? What could possibly be taking so long?

Text Away Your Dignity: Familiar with drunk dialing? This is the equivalent with texting.

Throw Down: (NOTE: Pay close attention to this one—throw down or throwdown means a million different things to different teens depending on the context!)

meaning #1: To contribute money to pay for something. Colton: “Dude, I’m gonna make a McDonald’s run, want some?” Jake: “Sure, dude, I’ll throw down.”

#2: To mosh or slam dance. “He totally threw down in the pit.”

#3: To street fight, like “throwing down the gauntlet.” (TRUE STORY: Definition #3 was the only definition I knew until I playfully threatened to throw down with my disrespectful 18-year-old, and his buddy remarked, “I’d love to see that at a show.”)

#4: To throw a large party. (WARNING: it may not be ‘dancing’ they’re planning to do this weekend if you hear your kid mention throwdown on the phone.)

#5: To fight and win. “Who knew that dude would have that kinda throwdown in him?”

#6: To drink excessively; see warning in #4.

#7: To perform brilliantly; my kids use it this way all the time as in, “He was epic! He threw DOWN!”

Tiger’s Wife Mad: So angry that you find the item which the object of your anger cherishes the most and proceed to beat him/her with it. “Did you see that dude ask for the manager at Taco Bell? He was Tiger’s wife mad with the burrito!”

BTW, do NOT under any circumstances try out these expressions with your teens! Trust. They could easily become TW mad and reach for…whatever. Use this knowledge solely to decode, sympathize, and delude yourself into feeling cool. (If you parent a teen, you already know a delusion is the closest you’ll come.)

Because Michele Ranard is paranoid, she still worries ‘tossed a fork’ is secret code. She is a professional counselor, academic tutor, and freelancer with a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.

Sources: The Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com) and her sons