hello lovely child

Let’s laugh and realize we’re doing an okay job.

by Michele Ranard, M.Ed.
650 words

Okay. So these fails are obviously tongue-in-cheek. As in, don’t try them at home! Parenting a teen can be confusing. It’s a different world than when we were teens. Sometimes we mess up because it’s such a challenge.

But take heart. And take a moment to laugh, knowing you’re not doing a half-bad job as a parent.

FAIL #1: Expect Perfection.

Parents of teens know gold medals and full ride Harvard scholarships are just around the corner for all our children. We understand when you set the bar way up there, the offspring rise every time.

“Be all that you can be” and “giving it your all” are soooo five minutes ago. Behind every successful trophy kid is a peerless parent, fiercely intolerant of errors and lapses in judgment.

So don’t settle for less than flawless concerning your child’s personality, backstroke, complexion, class rank, volleyball serve, Bible trivia, back handspring, IQ, cheese soufflé, Spanish accent, golf handicap, haircut, rodeo talent, handshake, and report card.

FAIL #2: Be Friends With Their Friends.

Of course their friends think you’re cool. After all, your child is simply a mini-version of you, right? What could possibly go wrong with THEIR peers becoming YOUR peers?

FAIL #3: Don’t Be Naive.

Teens are mostly liars and masters of manipulation. It is common knowledge they harbor secret agendas to blow up their schools and make you a premature grandparent.

Wake up! Next to his Algebra textbook, your teen probably has a bomb kit stashed under his bed purchased on half.com with a credit card stolen from Nana.

Can you imagine if we all just resign ourselves to you’ve earned my trust, sweetie, so no cavity search this morning!?!

FAIL #4: Analyze, Analyze, Analyze!

You were an adolescent once. Hence, you are an expert on adolescence! Your child craves all the professional advice you can muster on matters of teen psycho-social behavior. When your teen vulnerably lowers her guard to reveal she was cut from cheerleading or dumped by Romeo, this is the precise moment your analysis should commence.

Post your child’s heartbreak in your FaceBook status. Text Romeo himself! Hire a live-in life coach for around the clock teen psychoanalysis.

FAIL #5: Get Huggy in Public.

Your teen is always up for bear hugs and butterfly kisses. Don’t fall for that “really I’m good” act. My teen sons find it delightful when I surprise them by leaping onto their backs as they step through the door after school. They return the favor with polite expressions of gratitude and kiss me twice like the French.

FAIL #6: Surprise Your Teen at Work.

Who wouldn’t jump for joy at the sight of mom or dad entering the sub shop or tanning salon? If your teen is lucky enough to lifeguard, consider enthusiastically approaching her cabana tower and generously offering to reapply sunscreen.

Draw attention to your child so they feel extra special. Think poetry. If he works at a bakery, you could shout “THERE BE THE SON I LOVE! MY SANDWICH MAKER - A GIFT FROM ABOVE!”

FAIL #7: Communicate on Every Commute.

Your adolescent may be plugged into an ipod on that car ride, but his secret hope is to be plugged into the ones who gave him life.

He LIVES for deep discussions of abstinence or that article you read in The New Yorker about Emily Dickinson’s love life. He yearns for you to know where he stands sexually, politically, and existentially. So don’t tolerate lapses of peaceful silence.

FAIL #8: Believe Them When They Say They Hate You.

Teens today live virtually stress-free lives so if they become upset with you and utter the h-word, they probably mean it sincerely. I mean, how likely is it that they could be distressed about something else? No. They are consistently level-headed when expressing emotion, so you can assume they really do despise you.


Michele Ranard loves to laugh even as she fails repeatedly with her teens. She has a master’s in counseling and a blog at hellolovelychild.blogspot.com.